Wednesday, July 27, 2011

New Ben & Jerry's Flavors We'd Like to See

During L.A.’s recent “Carmageddon” – the 53-hour shutdown of a 10-mile stretch of I-405 -- Ben & Jerry’s ice cream offered commuters in the Los Angeles area free scoops of the flavor, “What a Cluster.”

Really? What a Cluster? That’s the best they could do? What’s wrong with Ben & Jerry’s? Do they have brain freeze from eating too much Barack Obama's Yes Pecan? Have they just given up trying to create amusing names for their pop-culture-themed ice creams? Why not Ben & Jerry’s Caramelgeddon Crunch? Or Ben & Jerry’s Gridlox and Cream Cheese? Well, okay, there’s nuttin’ funny about those either, but you get the idea. Ben & Jerry’s isn’t even trying anymore! Has the pressure of the high-stress frozen treat business finally gotten to them? Whatever the problem, it looks like they need a little help. So we’ve come up with a list of new Ben & Jerry’s flavors we’d like to see.


Casey Anthony’s Nut Guilty Surprise

Rum Raisin the Debt Ceiling

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Home Maid Infidelity Fudge (Rich Austrian chocolate rippled with a custardy swirl)

CaraMel Gibson’s Raging Nut Crumble

Charlie Sheen’s Fricking Rock Star from Marzipan Swirl (Whiskey-flavored ice cream with gobs of bananas and nuts, sprinkled with tiger’s blood and covered with a white mystery powder)

Donald Trump’s Coconut Combover Swirl

Harold Camping’s Raspberry Rapture Jubilee (Rich raspberry ice cream with expired dates)

Anthony Weiner’s Bulging Beefcake Surprise

John Boehner’s Orange Sherbet

- or -

John Boehner’s Hell No Pecan’t!

Justin Bieberry

Kim Kardashian’s Rump Raisin

Lindsay Lohan’s Arrested Develop-Mint

Michele Bachmann’s Old Fashioned Nut Bar

Mitt Romney’s Vanilla Smoothie (Smooth vanilla with a vanilla center, topped with vanilla frosting)

Paul Ryan’s Medicaramel Crunch (no ice cream, just vouchers you can use to buy ice cream on the open market)

Planet of the Apricots

Ruppert Murdoch’s Phone Tapuccino Explosion (Capuccino ice cream stuffed with shriveled prunes and sprinkled with $1,000 bills)

Sarah Palin’s Half-Baked Alaska

Nut Gingrich

Robert Brownie Junior

Good ‘n Pawlenty

Jim de Minthe

Glenn Beck’s Just Nuts

Andy Macarooni

Kiwi Herman

Eric Pecantor

Fudge Judy

J. Lo Pudding

Tonya Harding’s Kneecapuccino Surprise

Sunday, July 24, 2011

On Dumbass Day, Republicans Refuse to Raise Debt Ceiling, Pants

Happy Dumbass Day, everybody! Yes, today the great French writer, Alexandre Dumbass (or, Dumas, as the French spell it), author of such classics as “The Three Musketeers” and “The Count of Monte Cristo,” would turn 209 years old, if he could still turn.

To celebrate Dumbass Day, Congressional Republicans, led by their Three Musketeers -- House Speaker John Boehner, Majority Leader Eric Cantor and Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell -- dropped their pants and refused to raise them again until President Obama makes the Bush tax cuts for the rich permanent.

Speaking before reporters at the Capitol, a pantsless John Boehner said: “It is absolutely essential in this economy that we not raise taxes on the job creators.”

When it was pointed out that the Bush tax cuts have been in effect for the past 10 years and yet the “job creators” have not created any jobs, Boehner threatened to drop his underwear. “I’ll do it! Don’t push me!” he said, grabbing the waistband of his tighty-whiteys.

In response, President Obama immediately walked out of the White House with his hands in the air and began turning out his pockets. He then offered his counter-proposal.

“Look, I know how tough it is for Republicans,” the President said in a hastily-called press conference on the White House lawn. “They’ve given their pledge to Grover Norquist, a portly, bearded tax cheat who spent his teenage years in the 60’s working for Richard Nixon. I mean, c’mon, how cool is that? So in order to keep Republicans from having to break that pledge to super cool Grover, that they would never, ever, ever raise taxes on millionaires and billionaires, no matter what, I’m going to give them a break, and ask the nation’s elderly and poor to shoulder all of the burden again. My offer is this: I’ll make the Bush tax cuts permanent, so that millionaires and billionaires can go on paying less in taxes than their gardeners and secretaries until the sun fizzles and drops out of the sky. But in return, the Republicans have to accept my offer: I will only slash Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid benefits by half. No more than that. Okay? Please don’t hit me.”

Meanwhile, House Republicans met with their pants around their ankles on Sunday and continued to resist any tax increases on the nation’s richest citizens and corporations, instead pushing for price hikes on student loans.

“These students are sucking off the government teat, living high on the hog on their free Top Ramen and Macaroni and Cheese, while the job creators are suffering,” said Cantor, speaking from the House floor in a Speedo. “Why, the Koch Brothers could only afford to buy three yachts last month! Three!”

Coincidentally, it was announced that the 400 richest Americans could pay off every student loan in the country and still have $370 billion left over to divvy up amongst themselves – or about $925 million per person.

The House Minority Leader scoffed at that suggestion. “They wouldn’t even be billionaires at that point,” sneered Cantor. “I mean, why go on living if you’re just going to be a lousy millionaire? It’s preposterous!”

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Murderers Flock to Florida After Casey Anthony Trial, Citing World’s Dumbest Jurors

Murderers from around the world are moving to Florida after a Tampa Bay jury found Casey Anthony not guilty of murdering her 2-year-old daughter, Caylee. The jury somehow believed Anthony’s defense, that the girl drowned in the family pool and that her father, a former police officer, decided to make the death look like a homicide by placing duct tape over the child’s mouth and dumping the body in some nearby woods.

“Wow!” said Ralph Rousseau, 27, formerly of Tarzana, Calif., as he stepped off a Trailways bus in downtown Orlando. “I thought the O.J. jury was dumb, but these Florida juries take the cake. They gotta have the dumbest juries in the world here. I mean, who makes an accident look like a murder? It’s crazy! And they bought it!” Rousseau then let out a whoop, pulled out a .38-caliber handgun, and began firing. “I’m gonna blame it on Bigfoot!” he yelled.

Meanwhile, at the Miami International Airport’s Baggage Claim carousels, 57-year-old Harold Crumb was collecting his luggage after a flight from Topeka, Kan. “I plan to stab some folks, my brother-in-law and probably a few more, and blame it on the space aliens,” said Crumb. “They’ll believe me. Why wouldn’t they? If that Anthony jury believed that load of garbage, they’ll believe anything. This is a great day for murderers!”

In Tampa, Josh Huggins, 34, of Ames, Iowa, was arrested after several witnesses saw him push his 32-year-old wife off of a 14th-floor balcony of the downtown Hilton Hotel. “She drowned in the pool!” Huggins yelled as police led him away. “I was just trying to make it look like murder!”

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Halperin calling President Obama “a dick” continues tradition of frat-boy insults

The other day, conservative MSNBC “analyst” Mark Halperin called President Obama “a dick” on live TV, setting off a firestorm of criticism. Halperin, who also writes for TIME Magazine, was suspended indefinitely from the network. Honestly, what’s the big deal? After all, Halperin was just following in a time-honored tradition of presidential frat-boy name-calling by America’s journalists.

Take, for instance, the time in 1797 when Thomas Paine called George Washington “a douche” for refusing to run for a third term in office. Or when Edward R. Murrow responded to a 1959 speech by Dwight D. Eisenhower by saying that Ike was “kind of an ass pie.” Then there was Joseph Pulitzer’s reaction to Theodore Roosevelt’s launching of the Bull Moose party in 1912. “Teddy,” wrote Pulitzer, “is acting like a real fartknocker.” And who could forget the time that Walter Cronkite called out John F. Kennedy over the failed Bay of Pigs invasion at the end of a 1961 telecast. “JFK,” said Cronkite, “is a giant jerkwad.”

More instances of journalistic insults:

• Charles Dickens, in 1837, writing in Bentley’s Miscellany, wrote of England’s Prime Minister William Lamb, 2nd Viscount Melbourne: “Melbourne is a huge wanker.”

• Horace Greeley, publisher of The New York Tribune, writing in an 1864 editorial: “Abe Lincoln, you, sir, are a humongous jag-off.”

• Nellie Bly, in an 1887 article in The Pittsburgh Dispatch, called President Grover Cleveland a “big, fat dipshit.”

• French philosopher and writer Jean-Paul Sartre called French President Charles de Gaulle “a ginormous A-hole” in 1959.

• David Brinkley, co-host of NBC’s Huntley-Brinkley Report, said in 1967 of President Lyndon Johnson: “What a butthead!”