Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Pile of Manure Left on Debate Stage Surges to Lead in GOP Race

There’s a new leader in the race for the Republican presidential nomination. A pile of horse manure left on the stage before last night’s outdoor debate in Casper, Wyoming, was the runaway debate winner, according to a new poll out today. Perhaps even more surprising, “Joe the Manure Pile,” as the pile of horse poop has been dubbed, now leads the Republican field overall in the campaign to see who will oppose President Barack Obama in 2012.

52 percent of viewers called Joe the Manure Pile the debate’s big winner, compared with just 17 percent for Herman Cain and 13 percent for Michele Bachmann, according to a FOX News poll. And in a new Gallup poll out today, Joe leads in the race overall with 28 percent of the vote, followed by Cain at 24 percent and Romney with 22 percent.

“He didn’t make any gaffes,” said Republican strategist Karl Rove. “While Herman Cain got a lot of audience applause when he said he would put land mines along the Mexican border, and Rick Perry scored points when he said he’d order the National Guard to open fire on the Occupy Wall Street protesters, they also stumbled at times. Joe the Manure Pile was steady as a rock. Compared to the other candidates, he looked pretty presidential.”

Republican voters seemed to agree. “That pile of shit had the best ideas of anyone on our side,” said Preston Dullard, who was in the audience for the Tea Party-sponsored debate. “I really liked him. He’s a strong, silent type, and you know where he sits, issue-wise. He’s not a flip-flopper like Romney.”

“He’s down to earth,” said Wanda Panky, 62, who was also in the audience. “He doesn’t try to confuse everyone with his fancy plans, like Cain with that 999 stuff. Plus, Joe’s a real American. There’s no questioning that. We all saw him come out of that horse.”

Others, however, were more cautious. Like Tea Partier Goober Hockley of Stinkwater, Neb., who said: “At first I thought it was Mitch McConnell up there. He looks just like him. But then I thought, no, this feller’s not quite as slippery as McConnell. I liked him a lot, but I want to find out where he stands on the Sharia Law issue before I decide for sure.”

70-year-old Hoke Ferch of Pine Bluff, Ark., struck a similar chord. “I want to see how he does in a couple more debates before I make up my mind,” said Ferch. “I do like the way he sticks up for himself. He doesn’t take any guff. You didn’t see Romney put his hands on Joe the Manure Pile the way he did Perry did you? But on the downside, he’s a pile of horse pucky. Still, all things considered, he just might be the smartest one of the bunch.”

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Occupy Longstreet: Movement Protests Bad 1970s TV Shows

Hundreds of demonstrators gathered outside the former home of the late actor James Franciscus in Beverly Hills on Tuesday in a peaceful protest of bad 1970s television shows. Franciscus played blind private eye Mike Longstreet in the 1971 detective drama, “Longstreet,” which aired for one season on ABC.

One of the protest’s apparent leaders, Nat Lint, told the Wedgie that Occupy Longstreet is a “resistence movement” aimed at drawing attention to the role that watching bad TV shows in the 1970s had in ruining the lives of people like himself.

“All those years I shoulda been studyin’, but instead I got hooked on this junk,” said Lint. “I mean, a blind detective? Come on!”

Lint, an unemployed truck driver from El Segundo, carried a sign that read: “I wish I could say that I’m One of the 99% who didn’t watch your show.” He said that, after Franciscus’ former home, the group planned to picket the gravesite of Claude Akins, star of the bad 1970s trucker drama “Movin’ On.”

“That show was the reason I became a trucker,” Lint said, wistfully. “You see how that turned out.”

Another protester, Betty Schaefer, who carried a sign that read, “No Blood For Potsy,” said the group also planned to picket the homes of Lee Majors, star of the 70s hit, “The Six Million Dollar Man,” Linda Henning, who starred in “Pettitcoat Junction,” Chad Everett (“Medical Center”), Dan Haggerty (“Grizzly Adams”), John Schuck (“Holmes and Yo-Yo”) and James Farentino (“Cool Million”), as well as the graves of several other stars, including Christopher George (“The Rat Patrol”), Bert Convy (“Love, American Style”), Dom DeLuise (“Lotsa Luck”), Nipsey Russell (“Match Game”) and Ted Bessell (“Me and the Chimp”).

When informed of the protest, LAPD chief Charlie Beck said, “It’s one thing to desecrate the grave of Dom DeLuise, but we draw the line at Chuck Connors.”

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Occupy Main Street: Dozens of billionaires protest in seedy New York neighborhood

Carrying signs declaring “We are the 1%!” and “Free Bernie Madoff,” more than 20 billionaire bankers, war profiteers and tycoons gathered outside a Bronx soup kitchen to protest what they called “high taxes and regulations” on the nation’s richest citizens.

The billionaire industrialist Koch brothers – worth $25 billion apiece -- marched hand-in-hand, singing the 1940’s coal mining song, “Sixteen Tons,” while candy bar heiress Jacqueline Mars plucked a golden harp.

“We’ve been here for more than twenty minutes, and we’re not leaving anytime soon,” said media mogul Ruppert Murdoch, who carried a sign that read, “Tax the Poor.”

"That's right," said David Koch. "We're sick and tired of these poor people whining about low pay and unemployment. Why don't they pull themselves up by their bootstraps, like my brother and I did? Why, we were barely billionaires when we inherited diddums' oil fortune. But we rolled up our sleeves and went to work, bribing politicians and officials, and in the past decade, our net wealth has skyrocketed! Why can't those wretched 99 percenters do something like that?"

Meanwhile, other marchers warned that the movement would spread. “This is only the beginning,” said Donald Trump. “Zuckerberg and (Google founder Eric) Schmidt are marching in California, and we’ve heard that several Sheikhs have gathered in Saudi Arabia.”

After about an hour, billionaire Mayor Michael Bloomberg arrived in the back of a limousine with lunch for the protesters -- a silver bucket of caviar and bottles of champagne -- which was served to the protesters by two NYPD officers wearing white gloves.

The billionaires then sat around tables covered in white tablecloths to eat and drink. Hedge-fund manager Steve Cohen yelled, “Fight the weak!” as he stuffed his mouth with caviar.

“Power to the bosses! More blood for oil!” yelled Wal-Mart chairman S. Robson Walton, thrusting his soft, pink fist into the air.

After finishing lunch, the whole group then sang a rousing chorus of “We Shall Underpay,” before piling into their various chauffeur-driven Rolls Royces and driving off, vowing to return.