Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Eastbound & Downton Abbey -- and other bad mashups

Mashoops -- mashups that should never, ever happen:

Eastbound & Downton Abbey: Kenny Powers arrives at Downton to take Mr. Bates’ place as the Earl of Grantham’s valet. Hilarity ensues.

Fat Albert Nobbs: Glenn Close had to put on a LOT of weight for this role.

Two and a Half Mentalists: Charlie Sheen returns to TV as a psychic with tiger blood and Adonis DNA. The show features plots you cannot process with a normal brain, and if you try your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.

2 Broke Girls With Dragon Tattoos: Max and Caroline channel their inner Lisbeth Salander at the Williamsburg Diner. Hilarity and broken dishes ensue.

Hugoing Rogue: Sarah Palin’s worst nightmare becomes reality: She finds herself living in France.

Midnight in Paris, Texas: A writer who idolizes 1920’s Paris is instead transported to a dumpy Texas town where he is forced to hang out with a depressed Harry Dean Stanton.

How I Met Your Mothra: Godzilla recounts to his children how he met his nemesis, a gigantic moth-like creature who always interrupts him when he tries to destroy Tokyo.

McMillan and the Good Wife: Julianna Margulies returns to her old job as a litigator after finding out that her marriage to Rock Hudson was a sham.

Breakin’ Bad 2: Electric Boogaloo: Walter White really goes off the deep end and tries to become a professional break dancer.

No Country For Old Mad Men: Anton Chiguhr joins Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce, and when he brings his cattle gun to client meetings, hilarity ensues.

UpChuck: By tying thousands of balloons to his house, the computer geek turned secret agent takes off on a soaring adventure, but gets violently airsick.

Twilight Saga: Newt Moon: Are you Camp Edward, Camp Jacob, or Camp Newt?

There Will Be Blue Bloods: A family of New York cops bands together when a ruthless oilman, played by Daniel Day Lewis, shows up and drinks their father’s milkshake.

The Iron Lady Gaga: Meryl Streep dons the meat dress.

The Walking Dead Poets Society: Zombie poets invade Welton Academy.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

We're talkin' 'bout Taft -- and Millard Fillmore

Excuse me, I think I have something in my eye.

Yes, Wedge-heads, today is a heavy, heavy day.

Why’s that, you ask?

Because today marks the 82nd deathiversary of William Howard Taft, our 27th – and, uhh, largest – president. Elected in 1908, “Uncle Jumbo,” as he was known, supervised construction of the Panama Canal and, after he left
the White House, became the tenth Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court.

But that’s not why I love him. Oh, no. I love William Howard Taft because he gave us perhaps the wackiest bit of Presidential slapstick in our nation’s slapstick-rich history. You see, one night, so the legend goes, Big Bill – who weighed in at 332 pounds -- was splashing around in the Presidential tub with the Presidential rubber duckie, and when he was done he tried to get out and ... that's right. He couldn't. He got stuck in the White House bathtub. It’s said that it took six men and a gallon of butter to dislodge him. So, in remembrance of our most portly Potus, I’ve written a little ditty in his honor, to the tune of the theme from “Shaft.”

Cue the Isaac Hayes!

Who’s the morbidly obese Head of State
Who won the election of ’08?
Taft! Ya damn right.

Who’s the Presidential rub-a-dub
Who got stuck in the White House tub?
Taft! Can you dig it?

Who’s the fat cat who can’t get out
When there’s water all about?
Taft! Right on.

They say this cat Taft is a fat commander in ---
Shut your mouth!
But I’m talkin’ about Taft
Then we can dig it!
He’s a roly-poly man
But no one extricates him but his plumber
Bill Taft!

Okay, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “WHAT ABOUT MILLARD?”

Yeah, you got me. Millard Fillmore, our 13th president, also croaked on this date, in 1874.

Perhaps our most irrelevant president, Millard Fillmore is best known (at least by me!) for successfully negotiating a treaty with Peru for the use of -- wait for it -- guano.

So move over, Uncle Jumbo. You’re going to have to share today with Millard Fillmore, the bird poop president. So, for all you Fillmorons out there, this bad Millard Fillmore poem is for you:

You ended up a Know-Nothing,
After starting out a Whig
But about Millard Fillmore
Now no one gives a fig.
Still, your picture hangs in the White House hall
Though you’re Presidential detritus
But you’d never have gotten there at all
If not for Zach Taylor’s gastroenteritis.

When it comes to mediocrity
Millard, you’re number one
You’re less memorable than Franklin Pierce
Who, while Prez, got nothing done
John Tyler and James Buchanan
Bow to your mediocre ways
And when measuring accomplishments
You’re no Rutherford B. Hayes

Compared to you Cal Coolidge was full of pep,
and Grover Cleveland was the bomb
At least Andrew Johnson was a roaring drunk
and Ford got shot at by Squeaky Fromme.
Warren Harding had the teapot dome
and gambled away the White House china
Martin Van Buren had awesome muttonchops
Why, even Benjamin Harrison was finer.

Herbert Hoover was not mediocre, he was bad
And so he cannot challenge you
And if Hoover was the worst president
Then Bush Junior smells like number two
That leaves just one inconsequential gent
To battle you, mano-a-mano,
But even Chester Alan Arthur can’t
Knock you off your pile of guano.

Monday, March 5, 2012

A Day That Really Ties the Year Together

Are you employed, sir?

If you answered “Yes,” then you are, most likely, at work today. While that’s far out, man, we here at The Daily Wedgie have declared today a national holiday. A day of rest, if you will. We’re calling it … Lebowski Day. Or Dude Day.

“What’s this day of rest shit?” you ask, adding: “There’s no holiday on March 6th. Am I wrong?”

Well, no, you’re not wrong. But new shit has come to light. And clearly you’re not privy to all the new shit. Plus, obviously, you’re not a golfer.

You see, 14 years ago today, on March 6, 1998, the greatest film ever made, “The Big Lebowski,” was released, introducing us to The Dude. And as we all know, The Dude is a lazy man. Quite possibly the laziest in Los Angeles County, which would place him high in the runnin’ for laziest worldwide. So you can see how being at work on today of all days is verrrrry unDude. So we’re going to need you to drop what you’re doing, go home, put on your bathrobe and pour yourself a Caucasian. Now put on a cassette tape of whale songs – or perhaps some Creedence – smoke a little Thai stick if you’re into that sort of thing, run a hot bath and abide with our second annual Dude Day Wedgie. Or Day of El Duderino, if you’re not into the whole brevity thing.

You can start by reading this new shit, which we discovered last night in Van Nuys, lodged against an abutment:

Funny Stuff, Trivia and What Have You
From the book, “Two Gentlemen of Lebowski,” by Adam Bertocci, which retells “The Big Lebowski” as written by William Shakespeare:
The bowling green. Enter The Knave, Walter and Donald, to play at ninepins.WALTER: In sooth, then, faithful friend, this was a rug of value? Thou wouldst call it not a rug among ordinary rugs, but a rug of purpose? A star in the firmament, in step with the fashion alike to the Whitsun morris-dance? A worthy rug, a rug of consequence, sir?
THE KNAVE: It was of consequence, I should think; verily, it tied the room together, gather’d its qualities as the sweet lovers’ spring grass doth the morning dew or the rough scythe the first of autumn harvests…
WALTER: Indeed, a rug of value; an estimable rug, an honour’d rug; O unhappy rug, that should live to cover such days!
DONALD: Of what dost thou speak, that tied the room together, Knave? Take pains, for I would well hear of that which tied the room together.
WALTER: Didst thou attend the Knave’s tragic history, Sir Donald?
DONALD: Nay, good Sir Walter, I was a-bowling.
WALTER: Thou attend’st not; and so thou hast no frame of reference. … Cast it from thy sieve-like books of memory, Sir Donald; thou art out of thy element.

In the Parlance of Our TimesThe f-word and its variations are spoken 281 times in “The Big Lebowski.”

The Dude says the word “man” 174 times in the film.

You Want a Toe? I Can Get You a Toe, Believe MeA severed toe can last up to six hours and still be reattached successfully; 24-30 hours if it’s placed in a baggie and put on ice.

Careful, Man, There’s a Beverage Here!White Russian:
2 oz. Vodka
1 oz. Kahlua
Half and half (acceptable substitute: nondairy creamer)
Served over ice in a rocks glass

And now it’s time to see just how “Dude” you really are, with this Little Lebowski Quiz.
1. Are you employed, sir?A) Yes
B) No
C) What day is this?

2. What do you do in your spare time?A) Golf
B) Occupy various administration buildings
C) Bowl, drive around, the occasional acid flashback

3. What color is your vehicle?A) My Hummer is yellow
B) Blue
C) Green, with rust coloration

4. When do you pay your rent?A) When you own, it’s called a “mortgage”
B) The tenth
C) Far out, man

5. Do you have any Kahlua?A) No, but I do have some watermelon schnaaps
B) No, I’m fresh out
C) Does the Pope shit in the woods?

What was the subject of Little Larry’s homework?A) The Constitution of the United States
B) I don’t know, the little prick’s stonewallin’ me
C) The Louisiana Purchase

Mark it, DudeNow that you have achieved in the modest task that was your charge, it’s time to tally up your score.

For each A) answer, you get 0 points.
For each B) answer, give yourself 5 points.
For each C) answer, give yourself 10 points.

How Dude are you:0-15: You’re being very un-Dude
16-30: You are the walrus
31-59: I dig your style, man
60: You abide