Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Trump releases certificate of live birth for his hair

Challenged to prove that his hair is, in fact, American, Donald Trump today provided a certificate of live birth, proving once and for all that his hair was born in this country.

Trump made the announcement Monday morning at a news conference in the lobby of Trump International Hotel in New York City.

“I have here a certificate of live birth from Dr. Alfred J. Flintlock, D.V.M., proving once and for all that my hair was born on November 17th, 1979, on a weasel farm in Booger Hollow, Kentucky. It says here that it was named Sparky, classified as being of the species Mustela Frenata, order Carnivora, family Mustelidae, genus Mustela, commonly known as the North American long-tailed weasel, sometimes referred to regionally as the yellow-bellied polecat.”

Trump went even further, handing out his hair’s death certificate and certificate of authenticity to reporters.

“This document of Sparky’s death proves that my hair lived its entire life in the United States of America," Trump proclaimed proudly, waving the document in the air. "Until it was run over by an ATV on July 6th, 1982, on State Road 27, just outside Pigslide, Kentucky. I also have a sales receipt and this Certificate of Authenticity from Ned’s Taxidermy Shop in Lexington, Ky., certifying that my hair came from Sparky, proving beyond any doubt that my hair is completely and 100 percent American.”

A crowd of about two dozen Trump supporters gathered outside the hotel seemed jubilant at the news, firing pistols into the air and whooping. Lyle Little, 61, of Turpentine, Ala., was arrested for discharging a firearm within the city limits. “I don’t care,” said Little as he was led off in handcuffs. “I’m happy. I won the pool. My cousin Cooter over yonder said it was a ‘possum, but I know’d it were a polecat all along.”

“We’re celebratin’,” said teabagger Boone Arliss, 58, of Wingnut, Ga. “Trump’s our man. It’d be nice if he let us in the hotel, though. We tried to go in, but the doorman said we were too scrungy-lookin’. If I’d a knew it was gonna be so fancy, I’d a worn my good tooth.”

Trump’s popularity with the Teabaggers has surged since he began questioning whether President Barack Obama is an American. A recent poll found that 51% of likely 2012 Republican voters believe the President was not born in the U.S., to just 28% who firmly believe that he was, and 21% who are unsure.

Said Verlene Huskins, 43, of Raccoon’s Tail, W. Va., “I can’t wait till Trump walks into the White House and tells black Spock, ‘You’re fired.’”