Thursday, August 30, 2012

The Willard of Oz

In case, for some reason, you missed any of the Republican Convention, don’t worry. We’ve captured it all here for you now in the form of a bizarro version of The Wizard of Oz. Enjoy.

 What a world, what a world!

It all started with a hurricane of truth – that rarest of all atmospheric conditions in Republicanland – when Todd Akin blew in and accidentally spilled the beans about what the Pro Birth crowd really believes (that there is actually such a thing as “non-legitimate” rape). You’re not in Missouri anymore, Todd.

But then Reince "PeeWee" Priebus, aka the Mayor of Munchkinland, picked up his gavel and, beneath a giant “WE BUILT IT” banner draped across the publicly-funded convention hall, ushered in a Tornado of Bullshit that blew in and dumped one of Mitt Romney’s mansions on The Truth, killing her dead right before our very eyes, right there on the stage of the Tampa Bay Times Thunderdome.

Then Anne Romney, playing the part of Glinda the Good Witch for the adoring munchkins, floated down in her pink, plastic bubble, waved her magic wand and proclaimed Willard Mitt “Corporations are people, my friend!” Romney just an average, All-American, aw-shucks, normal, run-of-the mill, garden variety guy with an Olympic dancing horse, a car elevator, $100 million IRA and secret accounts in the Cayman Islands, Switzerland, Bermuda and Luxembourg.

Then the munchkins marched around the convention hall singing “Ding-Dong, the Truth is Dead” before Paul Ryan – the Cowardly Lyin’ Ryan – arrived to pronounce her not just dead but morally, ethic’ly, spiritually, physically, positively, absolutely, undeniably and reliably dead. Not just merely dead but really most sincerely dead.

And then the munchkins chanted “USA! USA!” until Barack Hussein Almira Gulch Obama, the Wicked Black Muslim Witch of the Midwest, swooped down on his made-in-Kenya flying carpet and cackled, “I’ll get you, my preTea Party patriots, and all your money and guns, too!” before he disappeared in a cloud of fake birth certificates and food stamps.   
And then we’re off to see the Willard, who, Glinda the Better of all You People, has assured us will fulfill all of our miserable, pathetic little people hopes and dreams if we just trust him, let him cut his taxes down to 0.82 percent and then it will all just magically trickle down upon us, like flying monkey poo from heaven. And so we went, skipping merrily down a yellowbrick road paved with distortions, myths, fabrications and selectively edited video clips, stopping only to feed the animals, until we came upon the Willard, a combination of the Tin Man and the Scarecrow, a heartless being with no insides, just an empty husk filled with straw promises and old, rusty policy positions, who tells us, in a song-and-dance routine performed with The Cowardly Ryan, that we could all be rich, just like him, if we only had a Bain. And it goes something like this: 

You could while away the hours
Up in your ivory towers
Living on your cap’tal gain

Ship the losers’ jobs to China
Put a probe in their vaginas
If you only had a Bain

All your previous positions
Like pre-existing conditions
They’d disappear like David Blaine

Like a pretzel you’d be stretchin’
You’d be so busy Etch-a-Sketchin’
If you only had a Bain

With the thoughts you’d be rethinkin’
You could buy another Lincoln
Or a well-oiled weather vane

You could buy the Oakland Raiders
Or some car elevators
If you only had a Bain

In the Caymans where it’s sunny
You could shelter all your money
The government’s loss would be your gain

You’d avoid paying taxes
Hide your emails and your faxes
If you only had a Bain


Friday, August 24, 2012

Nation’s Crackpots Gather in Tampa for Village Idiots Convention

Village Idiots from across the country are making their way to Tampa, Fla., for their national convention, which kicks off on Monday, and local businesses couldn’t be happier.

“We’re all stocked up on paddle-balls, Snuggies and Hank Williams Jr. cds,” said Fawn Butz, assistant manager at a Tampa area Dollar Store. “Plus, we’ve ordered extra tin foil, for those Idiots who forgot to bring their hats to the convention.”

Meanwhile, Gene Lummox, manager of a local Chick-fil-A restaurant, was busy hanging a giant “Welcome Idiots!” banner across the restaurant’s parking lot. He says the restaurant plans to expand its business hours while the Idiots are in town. “Oh, yeah,” said Lummox. “We’re gonna be open 24/7, and we’ve ordered extra lard for the rush.”

The convention won’t be all fun and chicken sandwiches for the Idiots, though. There’s serious work to be done, such as formally nominating their candidates for President and Vice President, and giving speeches about the things they believe in, such as:

  • Tiny, magic sperm-killing angels who live in your ladyparts are able to “shut down” your baby maker when you get raped, but only if it’s “legitimate” or “forcible” rape, and therefore if you get pregnant from rape, you weren’t really raped, know what I mean? Nudge-nudge, wink-wink
  • Women who use birth control are “sluts” and “prostitutes”
  • People lived at the same time as dinosaurs
  • Evolution isn’t real
  • Climate change isn’t real
  • Sharia Law is a real threat to American cities
  • Voter fraud happens all the time, everywhere, despite statistics that prove the opposite
  • Trickle-down economics works, despite the fact that it never has
  • Paul Ryan is a “budget guru” and a deficit hawk, even though the numbers in his budget don’t add up, and he voted for the Iraq and Afghanistan wars  without paying for them, voted for the Bush tax cuts and their extensions (twice) without paying for them, voted for Bush’s prescription drug entitlement without paying for it, and voted for TARP. But hey – he voted against and railed against Obama’s stimulus (then secretly wrote letters to the White House begging for stimulus money for his district, saying it would create jobs, but remember, the stimulus didn’t work!)  
  • We should continue to give oil companies billions of taxpayer dollars in subsidies, despite the fact that they are the most profitable industry in the history of industries
  • Corporations are people, my friends
  • Workers should not be allowed to organize
  • There should be no minimum wage
  • There should be no child labor laws
  • There should be no EPA
  • Public schools should lay off their janitors and poor children should be hired to take their place
  • This country would be a lot safer if EVERYONE carried guns. For instance, in the case of the Aurora, Colo., mass-shooting, if everyone had just pulled out their guns and started blasting away in a darkened, smoky, chaotic theater at the gunman who was covered from head-to-toe in bulletproof armor, then, you know, it would have been a lot safer   
  • President Obama is a secret Muslim who spent 20 years going to a Christian church and listening to Rev. Wright, a Christian, who somehow influenced him with his Christian sermons, even though Obama is a secret Muslim
  • Obama is a secret homosexual who secretly married his college roommate
  • Obama is an Arab
  • Obama is the Antichrist
  • Obama hates America and goes around the world apologizing for the U.S., even though he hasn’t
  • Obama is a socialist
  • Obama let Arizona gun sellers sell a bunch of guns to the Mexican drug cartels so that a lot of Mexicans would be killed by gun violence, which would then make Americans so mad about all the Mexican gun violence that they would let Obama take away our guns
  • If he gets a second term, Obama is going to take all of our guns away. We can tell he’s going to take our guns away because, in his first term, in a diabolical plan to lull us all to sleep, he’s done absolutely nothing to indicate he is going to take our guns away 
  • If Obama wins a second term, he is going to hand over sovereignty of the United States to the U.N., and then we’ll have a bunch of slimy Eurotrash surrender monkeys carrying man purses mincing around Texas in their faggy sky-blue helmets and telling us what to do
  • Obama didn’t want to kill Osama bin Laden, and had to be talked into the mission by Hillary Clinton
  • Obama didn’t make the decision to go after bin Laden, Admiral William McRaven did
  • The Affordable Care Act will enact Death Panels to put grandpa on an ice flow and push him out to sea
  • An uninsured person should be denied health care and forced to lie down and die in the street rather than be admitted to a hospital, yet:
  • Forcing uninsured people to purchase health care (made more affordable by Obamacare) is Armageddon, the end of the world as we know it, the death of freedom in America, the sinking of the Titanic and the crash of the Hindenburg all rolled into one, and the day the music died  
  • Allowing gay Americans to marry their partners somehow ruins marriage for everyone else
  • Gay people choose to be gay
  • Gay people can (and should) be “cured”
  • We should not only build a fence along our border with Mexico, but that fence should be electrified
  • Little girls should not be given the HPV vaccine (which prevents cervical cancer) because the vaccine can cause “mental retardation”
  • Obama shouldn’t have gone into Libya
  • Obama should have gone into Libya sooner
  • Saddam had WMD
  • Iraq attacked us on 9/11
  • Our soldiers should still be in Iraq, and they should stay there indefinitely
  • We should leave our soldiers in Afghanistan indefinitely
  • We should start a war with Iran
  • The people who convinced us that we needed to invade Iraq are still The Voices of Authority we should listen to when it comes to matters of foreign policy (of Mitt Romney’s 17 foreign policy advisors, 14 come from the Bush administration).
    And, of course:
  • Obama was born in Kenya and is covering that fact up with the help of the State of Hawaii, the Justice Department, and the Big Kahuna.
    Here’s how the conspiracy works:
    When Obama’s mother, Stanley Ann Dunham, a poor white girl living in Honolulu and attending the University of Hawaii, married a foreign student from Kenya in February, 1961, on the island of Maui, she was already three months pregnant. Despite the fact that, as Donald Trump himself puts it, “everyone wanted to become a United States citizen,” she chose to fly all the way to Africa and have the baby there instead, because, you know, health care was so much better in Kenya at the time. She did this even though she somehow knew then that 50 years later her child would become the first African-American President of the United States, and, in order to do so, would have to be an American citizen. So, with the help of her parents, a scheming World War II vet and his conniving bride, the homemaker who’d worked at Boeing during the war, she developed a cunning plan. First they bribed doctors, nurses and officials at the Kapi'olani Maternity & Gynecological Hospital in Honolulu, convincing the hospital to send a bogus birth announcement to the Hawaii state Department of Health, which, in turn, issued a counterfeit certificate of live birth. Next they bribed the editors of two separate Honolulu newspapers, The Honolulu Advertiser and the Star-Bulletin, to run identical phony birth announcements stating that the future President was, indeed, born in Honolulu. Not content to stop there, they bribed many friends of Ms. Dunham’s in Hawaii, and still more friends in the state of Washington, where she visited with little Barack one month after his birth, convincing all of them to attest to their dastardly lie. It all worked beautifully, and would have continued to do so, if it weren’t for that meddling billionaire, Donald Trump. Oh, and both the short form and long form birth certificates that Obama’s released aren’t enough, because they’re both fakes, which we know because a Russian dentist wearing a hilarious wig and the Barney Fife of Arizona told me so.

    There you have it. Welcome, Idiots!

Monday, August 20, 2012

Todd Akin: ‘Throw rape victims in a river; If they drown, it was legitimate rape’

Missouri Republican Todd Akin, under fire for his comments declaring that victims of “legitimate rape” couldn’t get pregnant, tried again to clarify his comments today on Fox news.

“All I was trying to say is that, how are we to tell whether a woman who cries rape is telling the truth?” Akin told Sean Hannity. From what I understand from talking to doctors and scientists, there is only one way. You take the alleged rape victim down to the river, or some other large body of water, weight her down with some chains or large stones, and you throw her in. If she floats, she’s a lying slut and the rape was not legitimate. But if she sinks and drowns, then she was telling the truth, and was legitimately raped.”

Meanwhile, Republican Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan, who, along with Akin cosponsored a bill that would have narrowed the exceptions to the laws banning federal funding for abortion from all cases of rape to cases of “forcible rape,” said that he stands behind his “forcible rape” bill.

“You know, medicine is not an exact science,” Ryan said. “But we are learning all the time. According to a doctor I talked to, if a rape is legitimate, a gal’s lady parts have a magical way of shutting down, blocking the rape-sperm from reaching her pure and unspoiled eggs. If the rape is illegitimate, however, well then she might get pregnant. Of course, there’s always the possibility that she might not be really pregnant. Instead she could be possessed by demons or suffering from an imbalance of bodily humors, perhaps caused by a toad or a small dwarf living in her stomach. In such cases, from what I understand, she can be treated by sticking a few leeches to her face, and she should be just fine.”

When asked to identify the "doctor" who'd given him the information, Ryan answered: "He has a practice in York, Pennsylvania. I believe his name was Theodoric."  

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Paul Ryan would be ‘most ripped’ V.P. ever? Not so fast! Check out these other sculpted veeps

Pssst! Hey, have you heard? Paul Ryan works out! Yes, the Republican vice presidential candidate does something called the P90X workout, as the buffet grazers in the beltway media have gushed over and over.

The other day on Fox News Radio’s Kilmeade & Friends, noted Fox foof Steve Doocy said this about Paul Ryan: “P90X, the Tony Horton workout. … Paul Ryan does this workout every day. … He could be the most ripped Vice President in history!”

Yes, Paul Ryan is “ripped.” He’s also "shredded," “buff,” “toned” and “cut,” depending on which “news” outlet you’re watching.

Abmaster Elbridge Gerry
But would Ryan really be the “most ripped” V.P. in our nation’s history? You sure about that? Have you seen Elbridge Gerry’s abs?
Back in the day, there wasn’t a lot of “news” about our Veeps working their cores, but that doesn’t mean they weren’t TOTALLY CUT, DUDE!

Here are just a few toned Number Twos (along with their workout regimens) who could possibly give Ryan a run for his buff money:

Aaron Burr, Pilates -- Everyone knows Burr was a stone-cold killer (he offed Alexander Hamilton in a duel, after all), but did you know he also had killer abs? According to historians, Burr owed his six-pack to the grueling pilates regimen he picked up from Benedict Arnold, whom Burr served under during the Revolutionary War. No traitor to his stomach muscles, Arnold, a noted pilates freak, made all his officers work out with various pieces of military equipment in their spare time. Among Burr’s most prized possessions was a copy of Arnold’s first workout tape, “Benedict Arnold’s Cannonball Abs.”

George Clinton, Zumba – Clinton, who served as V.P. under both Presidents Jefferson and Madison, loved his Colombian dance fitness routine, which made him, as he called it, “hunkadelic.” He was said to be particularly fond of incorporating belly dancing into his workout. A supporter and friend of George Washington, Clinton rode with Washington to the first inauguration, where he famously declared, “We are now one nation under a groove!”  

Schuyler Colfax, Buns of Steel – As we all know, Ulysses S. Grant was the very first Bunmaster, and as Grant’s Vice President, Colfax felt obliged to participate in Grant’s grueling noontime workouts. Colfax excelled in the exercise to the point that Grant supposedly dubbed him “The Brute of Glutes.”   

Teddy Roosevelt, Pole Dancer – Well known for his boxing and outdoor activities, few were aware that, shortly after being named William McKinley’s second veep, Teddy had a fitness pole erected in his bedroom in the Vice President’s mansion. According to McKinley’s private papers, the old Rough Rider was an expert in such techniques as the Iguana, Bow and Arrow, the Fan Kick, and the Butterfly. “But Teddy’s show stopper,” wrote McKinley, “was the Back Slide and Shimmy, followed by a Reverse Sunwheel, and finished off with a Double Hook Dismount. O. M. F. G.”

Spiro Agnew, Aerobics – A Richard Simmons devotee, Agnew often attempted to burn off the stress of his many scandals by donning candy-striped shorts and sequined tank tops and “Sweatin’ to the Oldies” in his office. When he was ridiculed for his flashy workouts, he famously attacked his antagonists in the press, calling them, “Swollen sultans of slothfulness.” He was reportedly in the midst of working out to Simmons’ “Dance Your Pants Off” video on October 10, 1973, when he was advised by his lawyers to resign the Vice Presidency due to criminal charges of tax evasion. Before the day was over, Agnew “felt the burn,” becoming the second vice president in our nation’s history to resign.   

John Adams, Tae Bo – Before Billy Blanks, there was John Adams. Few know that our nation’s first Vice President invented the Kick Boxing craze. “His Rotundity” was apparently turned on to the idea of a martial arts-based exercise routine set to hip-hop music by Benjamin Franklin, who, it’s said, may have been our nation’s first rapper. Indeed, Franklin, who called himself “Hundred Dolla,”  would often roam about his Philadelphia home in the nude, shadowboxing and throwing front snap kicks at imaginary opponents while reciting crude rap songs he’d written after being struck by lightning while flying kites off his roof during electrical storms.  

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

In surprise move, Herman Munster chooses his son, Eddie, as running mate

This weekend, Herman Munster announced that his son, Eddie, will be his running mate in the 2012 election, making the Munster duo the first father-and-son presidential ticket in the nation’s history.

Against the eerie backdrop of the Munster family mansion at 1313 Mockingbird Lane, the Republican presidential hopeful formally introduced the 10-year-old Eddie as his V.P. pick, thrilling the crowd of supporters gathered on the lawn.

Eddie, dressed smartly in his Fauntleroy suit, emerged from the house clutching his Wolfman doll, “Woof-Woof,” and a copy of Ayn Rand's "Atlas Shrugged," to join his father. The two Munsters then stood side-by-side smiling and waving as the crowd cheered and chanted, “USA! USA!”

Herman Munster later led reporters on a tour of the family’s spooky mansion, including the car elevator currently being installed for the family’s two Munstermobiles: the “Munster Koach,” a combination of a 1920’s Model T and a hearse, and the “Drag-U-La,” a dragster built from a coffin.

Eddie Munster, who attends elementary school, responded to critics who suggested he is too young to be Vice President, saying that he was prepared to take on the job, and that his age would not be an issue. “The fact that I’m a werewolf might, though,” he said. “But only during the full moon.” He also said that he plans to take his pet dragon, Spot, to Washington.

Meanwhile, his father is still refusing to release more tax returns, despite continuing pressure from members of his own party. Herman also repeated the claim that he “retired retroactively” in 1999 from his job at Gateman, Goodbury and Graves Funeral Home, somehow amassing an estimated $250 million dollar fortune by working as an embalmer.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

NASA Rover Lands On Mars, Finds Mitt Romney’s Tax Returns

NASA's rover Curiosity successfully carried out a highly challenging landing on Mars early Monday, transmitting images back to Earth after traveling hundreds of millions of miles through space to explore the red planet. Minutes after touchdown inside a Martian land formation called Gale Crater, the one-ton SUV-sized rover beamed back photos of Mars’ surface.

In a shocking development, one of the first images taken by Curiosity appeared to show a box containing a stack of papers. The box was labeled, “Mitt Romney, Tax Returns, 1975-2009.”   

John Grotzinger, project manager of NASA’s Mars Science Laboratory mission, added context for the image in a written statement.

“Curiosity’s landing site is beginning to come into focus,” Grotzinger’s statement  read. “In the image, we are looking to the northwest. What you see on the horizon is the rim of Gale Crater. In the foreground, you can see what appear to be Mitt Romney’s tax returns. WTF???”

Grotzinger later added that Curiosity had also found evidence that some of Romney’s fortune -- estimated to be at least $250 million -- had apparently been stowed on Mars to avoid paying U.S. taxes.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, who has accused Romney of not paying taxes for the past decade, said, "I think what you're going to find, as NASA officials go through these documents, is that my source was right. Mitt Romney did not pay any taxes for 10 years, and now we know why. His money was hidden away out there in the solar system."

Reid refused to confirm or deny a report that his unnamed source is none other than Marvin the Martian.

Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus was quick to reply to Reid's contention. "Marvin the Martian is a dirty liar," said Priebus. "He's been trying to destroy the Earth for a long time, and I know for a fact that he's very, very angry."

When asked to comment on the discovery of Romney's tax returns, Romney press secretary Rick Gorka said, “Kiss my ass! Gale Crater is a holy site for the Martian people! Show some respect, you piece of #$%&!”

Meanwhile, Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann held a press conference, urging the State Department’s Inspector General to investigate the mission’s flight director, Bobak Ferdowski, for what the congresswoman called “ties to radical anti-American groups.”

“We all saw Mr. Ferdowski’s bizarre Mohawk haircut,” Bachmann said. “Since Chingachgook was supposedly the last of the Mohicans, we would like to know who this Bobak Ferdowski is, where did he come from, and how did he get his security clearance? Is he a real Mohican? Because, as we know, many of the Mohawk tribes fought with the British against America during the Revolutionary War. I think we need to ask the question, is Mr. Ferdowski pro-America, or pro-Mohawk? And are there any other anti-American Mohicans involved with Barack Obama’s Martian space program?”   

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Ah, frigate

You can't make this ship up.

The ship sent to Boston harbor in 1768 to enforce British taxes on the American colonies was the HMS Romney.

A 50-gun fourth rate of the Royal Navy launched in 1762, the Romney was dispatched to Boston Harbor at the request of commissioners tasked with enforcing the Townshend Acts, which imposed taxes on colonial imports such as paper, glass, lead and tea exported from Britain in order to raise revenue for the crown, and to establish the precedent that the British parliament had the right to tax the colonies.

Romney's actions included impressing local sailors (that means forcing them into service), confiscating a vessel belonging to John Hancock, and providing a refuge for the unpopular commissioners enforcing the Townshend Acts when all hell broke loose, which led to the occupation of Boston by British troops in 1768, which led to the Boston Massacre, which eventually led to ... wait for it ... the Boston Tea Party, and the American Revolution.

Don't tread on me, HMS Romney.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

At Chick-fil-A, hypocrisy tastes like chicken

 Anti-gay bigots from Westboro Baptist Church who showed up at a Minneapolis  Chick-fil-A today to support the embattled chicken chain were shocked to find that Chick-fil-A may not be “guilty as charged” when it comes to close adherence to the Bible.

In a hastily-formed press conference in the restaurant parking lot, surrounded by church members carrying crudely-scribbled signs that read, “God hates your Bacon Egg & Cheese Biscuits!” and “Pork Dooms Nations,” Westboro pastor Fred Phelps told reporters, “Lookee, we’re all for Chick-fil-A’s campaign against the gays, but Dan Cathy needs to read what the Bible says about his breakfast menu. I quote Leviticus 11:10: ‘And the swine, because it parts the hoof and is cloven-footed but does not chew the cud, is unclean to you. Of their flesh you shall not eat, and their carcasses you shall not touch; they are unclean to you.’ And yet, when I went to order from Chick-fil-A’s breakfast menu, there it is, big as life: Bacon, Egg and Cheese Biscuit. And right next to it, the Sausage, Egg and Cheese Biscuit! Now, I don’t know about you, but last time I looked, bacon and sausage both got swine in it! So the question I got for Dan Cathy is, why do you shake your fist at God and say, ‘I know better than you what constitutes a breakfast sandwich?’”

Phelps was interrupted by The 700 Club’s Pat Robertson, who was also eating at the restaurant to show his support. “Hey, Phelps!” yelled Robertson. “That jacket you got on – what’s it made of? Looks like polyester to me!”

“So what?” said Phelps, checking the tag on his cheap windbreaker.

Leviticus 19:19!” yelled Robertson. “I quote: ‘You are to keep My statutes. You shall not breed together two kinds of your cattle; you shall not sow your field with two kinds of seed, nor wear a garment upon you of two kinds of material mixed together."

“Well I’ll be damned,” said Phelps.

“You sure will!” said Robertson. “God hates your jacket!”  

Robertson chortled, but was interrupted by Minnesota Republican Michele Bachmann, who was also dining at the holier-than-thou eatery. “Look who’s talking!” yelled Bachmann. “Pat, your haircut looks kinda bowl-shaped to me.”

“So what?” said Robertson, smoothing his thinning, gray hair.

“Leviticus 19:27!” bellowed Bachmann. “’You shall not round off the hair on your temples or mar the edges of your beard.’ See you in hell, Robertson! Say hi to Pete Rose for me! And Moe from The Three Stooges, too!”

“Dangit,” said Robertson. “I’m gonna have to listen to the Beatles every damn day for all of eternity!”

Bachmann laughed, until she was struck in the head by a stone, tossed by portly Fox News talk show host Mike Huckabee.

“Die, harlot!” yelled the former Arkansas governor.

Bachmann fell to her knees, blood streaming down her face. “What'd you do that for?” she said, rubbing her forehead.

“That gold ring you’re wearing,” said Huckabee. “And that pearl necklace. You’re shaking your fist at God!”

“That’s my wedding ring!” said Bachmann. “And my husband gave me the necklace for our anniversary.”

“1 Timothy 2:9!” yelped Huckabee, firing another rock at the dazed lawmaker. “’Women should adorn themselves modestly and sensibly in seemly apparel, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or costly attire.’”

Just then football star Tim Tebow stepped up behind Huckabee and pressed a knife to his throat. “What do you know, Huckabee? You’re a glutton. Proverbs 23:2: ‘and put a knife to your throat if you are a man given to appetite.’ And Philippians 3:19: Their end is destruction, their god is their belly, and they glory in their shame, with minds set on earthly things.’

“Drop the knife, Tebow,” said Sarah Palin, pumping a 12-gauge shotgun and aiming it at the quarterback’s midsection. “You’re no better than fat boy, there.”

“What are you talking about, Sarah?” said Tebow. “I’m devout, you know that!”

Leviticus 11:8,” said Palin, jabbing the shotgun into Tebow’s ribs. “The part about pigs. Quote, 'You shall not eat of their flesh nor touch their carcasses; they are unclean to you.’ You play football for a living, Timmy. What are footballs made of?”

Tebow hung his head in resignation. “Pigskin.”

“Yup,” said Palin.

But before she could pull the trigger, Rush Limbaugh walked out of the store carrying an armload of chicken sandwiches. “Hold on a minute, Sarah,” he said. “What about you? You eat crab. Heck, there’s even a crab sandwich named after you – the Sarah Palin Alaskan Crab Wrap Sandwich.”

“You betcha,” said the former half-governor. “And it's delicious, too! So what?”

“Leviticus 11:10,” blared the bellicose radio host. “And I quote: But anything in the seas or the rivers that has not fins and scales, of the swarming creatures of the waters and of the living creatures that are in the waters, is an abomination to you.’

“Aw, crap,” said Palin.

“That’s right,” said Limbaugh, stuffing a Spicy Chicken Sandwich Deluxe into his giant mouth. “You’re an abomination!”

But before he could swallow, Fred Phelps hollered out, “Hey Rush, how many times you been divorced?”

“Just four times,” said Limbaugh. “Why?”

“Jeeze, Rush,” said Palin. “That’s an easy one. Mark 10:9 and 10:11. It’s adultery. Plus, let’s face it. We got ya on the glutton thing too.”

“Yeah, well, so what?” said Limbaugh, cramming his face full of waffle fries. “At least I’m not gay!”

The others, Phelps, Robertson, Huckabee, Bachmann, Tebow and Palin, all spoke in unison. “Amen to that!”

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Romney “retroactively” cancels foreign trip as details of more gaffes emerge

Mitt Romney’s campaign announced today that he has “retroactively” cancelled his disastrous overseas trip. Romney spokesman Ed Gillespie made the announcement at a hastily formed press conference in Boston.

“Governor Romney was apparently not feeling well, so he retroactively cancelled the trip to England, Israel and Poland,” Gillespie said. “It never happened.” He then waved his arm in the air and made a magic whooshing sound.  

News of the retroactive cancellation came after details were leaked of even more Romney gaffes that took place during a secret Romney meeting with Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, at Buckingham Palace.

According to the British newspaper The Sun, Romney arrived at the Palace by limousine, and, when it became apparent he had to walk inside the Palace himself, he remarked, “What, you don’t have any car elevators here? You mean I have to walk all the way in there and take a normal person elevator like a sap?”

Then, walking into Buckingham Palace, Romney looked unimpressed. “You call this a palace?” he said. “Meh.”

After a meeting with the Queen, during which the presumptive Republican nominee reportedly sang out awkwardly, “Who let the dogs out? Who, who?” before challenging the Queen to a $10,000 bet on the Olympics, Romney attempted to tie one of Her Majesty’s Corgis to the roof of his limo, but Palace guards intervened. 

On Fox & Friends, co-host Gretchen Carlson seemed confused by Romney’s retroactive cancellation. “You can do that?” she said.

“Apparently you can!” replied a giddy Steve Doocy. “You heard Ed Gillespie, he never left the U.S. So Obama and the liberal press can’t make fun of him anymore. Neener neener.”

Later, Romney himself was asked about the retroactive cancellation. “Yes,” he said, “I was terribly disappointed. I was really looking forward to strengthening our ties with our most important allies, who President Obama has neglected terribly.”

Asked if he were going to give back all the money he raised at lavish fundraisers in London and Jerusalem, Romney said, “I haven’t calculated that. I’m happy to go back and look.”

Later, a reporter asked Romney press secretary Rick Gorka whether Romney had gone back and looked, as promised. Gorka responded testily. “Kiss my ass!” he snapped. “This is a holy day for the American people. It’s Chick Fil-A Appreciation Day. Show some respect, you dumb #%&$!”

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Romney’s Gaffe Out Loud Tour Continues; Candidate Lands in Boston, Insults Rhode Island

Following his gaffe-a-minute international tour, in which he managed to insult England and infuriate the Palestinians, Mitt Romney returned to the U.S. today. After his plane touched down in Boston, Romney told a group of reporters: “It’s good to be back on American soil, though I had a wonderful time visiting with my Anglo-Saxon friends, with whom we share a special relationship that truly spans the years. My trip was a great success, although there were a few things that were disconcerting about the flight back. Number one is the food on the aircraft. They served me some cookies that didn’t look too good. I think they must have come from the local 7-Eleven or something. Number two was the service. I question whether some of the stewardesses were actually American. I’m running for office, for Pete’s sake, I can’t have illegals serving me cheap cookies from 7-Eleven! But number three, are the people of the United States ready to watch the Olympics? And that’s something we only find out about once the ratings come in.”

Romney next made a stop at Breed’s Hill, site of the famous Revolutionary War battle known as The Battle of Bunker Hill, where he gave a brief campaign speech.

"As you come here and you see the GDP per capita, for instance, in Massachusetts, which is about $58,000 dollars, and compare that with the GDP per capita in Rhode Island, which is more like $45,000 per capita … If you could learn anything it's this: Culture makes all the difference," Romney told supporters. "And as I look out over this city and consider the accomplishments of the people of Massachusetts, I recognize the power of culture. We’re the home of Paul Revere, Norman Rockwell, Marvin Hagler – Marvelous Marvin -- and Jack Welch, former CEO of General Electric, and a close personal friend of mine. The Red Sox, Fenway Park. Beantown. And the trees are just the right height here. Rhode Island – what do they have? One of the minor Rockefellers and those brothers who made the movie Dumb and Dumber. Oh, sure, Newport Yacht Club has some nice little boats, nothing too spectacular."

As aides hustled Romney away, reporters shouted questions at him, which prompted campaign press secretary Rick Gorka to snap, “Kiss my ass! This is a holy site to the Massachusetts people. Show some respect, you piece of $#@*!”