Monday, November 19, 2012

Twinkie the Kid Shot Dead in Twinkie Town

Twinkie the Kid, the golden-baked, crème-filled cowboy, has headed for his last roundup. The popular but controversial snack mascot was found dead in a pool of high fructose corn syrup Monday in Twinkie Town, an apparent shooting victim. Police said he was shot in the back. There are no suspects in the case.

The shocking news comes just days after the 41-year-old Kid’s employer, Hostess Brands, Inc., announced it was going out of business, forcing all of its employees, including the Kid and his confectionary comrades, King Ding Dong, Suzy Q, Captain Cupcake and Fruit Pie the Magician, into unemployment.

Known for his exceptional roping skills and flamboyant lifestyle, Twinkie the Kid burst onto the scene in 1971, dressed in a 10-gallon hat, red cowboy boots and a kerchief with red hearts on it. He gained notoriety for his role in the sensational 1978 Moscone-Milk assassination case in San Francisco, when the defendant in the double homicide, former Supervisor Dan White, used Twinkie the Kid as an alibi in what was famously termed the “Twinkie defense.”

Twinkie the Kid denied that he was with White at the time of the shooting, but the damage to his reputation as a rough-and-tough Twinkie wrangler was done.

In the aftermath of the Moscone-Milk controversy, rumors about Twinkie the Kid’s sexual orientation began to swirl, with his rival snack treat mascots fanning the speculation.

“I don’t have any personal knowledge that the Kid was gay, but there were certainly rumors,” said Mr. Peanut, while dusting off his monocle. “I mean, he hung out with two fellows named Captain Cupcake and Fruit Pie, who was …  what? A magician? Puh-leeze.”

Mr. Salty, a sailor pretzel, had also heard the loose talk. “Oh yes, I’d heard the stories. I was at the Admiral’s Ball a few years back, and Captain Crunch told me that he’d once watched the Kid and the Frito Bandito frolicking together through his spyglass. Apparently they went Brokeback Mountain out there on the range. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”    

Little Debbie, the red-headed snack maven, herself the subject of controversy following rumors of wild, cocaine-fueled orgies with the Keebler Elves, said that she, too, had heard whispers about the Kid. “Just look at his outfit,” she said. “I mean, the dude never wore pants! Just those red cowboy boots and a kerchief with red hearts on it. That should tell you something. Plus, I once offered him a peek at my snack cakes, and he turned me down flat.”  

In the end, the Kid’s sexual orientation doesn’t matter, said longtime friend, King Ding Dong. “He was the golden boy. Everyone said he had an infinite shelf life, that he’d live forever. Now he’s gone. All that really matters is that he was a really sweet guy. He was all heart, inside, where it counts,” he said, tapping his chest with his scepter. “Heart, and vanilla cream. And a buttload of sugar.”  

Following a public funeral later this week in Twinkie Town, the Kid’s remains will be frozen, dipped in batter and deep fried, according to his wishes.  

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Rebel Without a Clue: Tweets from Trump’s Revolution

As you know by now, Donald Trump wigged out on election night, sending out a series of tweets raving against the election results, and even calling for a “revolution!” against President Obama and the “phoney (sic) electoral college.”

Thank God real Americans have a brave hero to lead them against the evil Kenyan socialist anti-Christ, Obama. So let’s take this moment to stop and visualize just how totally freaking awesome a Donald Trump-led revolution against the government of the United States would be. Here’s how we envision the Trump Revolution going, as described by a series of tweets from General Trump himself:

Donald J. Trump @realGeneralTrump  Nov. 12
My revolution has begun! I’ve set up camp in a secret location in the Catskills. My new beard itches, and my cave is not xactly the Ritz. #VivaLaRevolucion

Donald J. Trump @realGeneralTrump  49m
More recruits arrived today. Not a bad bunch, but Dick Morris keeps spooning me at night in my cave. Those aren’t marshmallows, Dick. #LegitimateNightmare

Donald J. Trump @realGeneralTrump  Nov. 14
What a travesty! Today, while hunting in the woods, Nugent shot me in the face with his crossbow. Said he thought my hair was a possum. #RebelWithoutAnEar

Donald J. Trump @realGeneralTrump  Nov. 17
Have informed Obama that fighting season will be from May-Aug., due to my NBC schedule (Celebrity Apprentice begins shooting Aug. 5!) #VivaLaRevolucion

Donald J. Trump @realGeneralTrump   Nov. 18
Recorded my 1st video in the cave 2day. Called 4 Holy War against Obama. Also pitched new reality show 2 NBC. #CelebrityRebel

Donald J. Trump @realGeneralTrump  Nov. 21
Conditions are terrible in camp. Many of my men forced to boil their shoes for food. Had to wrestle Limbaugh 4 my Gucci loafers. #TasteLikeChickenFeet

Donald J. Trump @realGeneralTrump  Nov. 24
Getting ready for my 1st attack! Very xcited! Leading my rebels against a force of Obama’s mercenaries in Trenton. Gonna b Huge! #Hessians

Donald J. Trump @realDonaldTrump  13m
Am leading my rebel troops from my command cave. Hey, I’m a luvr, not a fighter! Col. West is in the field. #FingersCrossed

Donald J. Trump @realGeneralTrump   Nov. 25 
Well we lost. Attack was a travesty, thank u Hank Williams Jr. Just as we snuck up on the Hessians, he yelled, “R U ready for some ambush?”

Donald J. Trump @realGeneralTrump  8m
Lost ½ my army at Trenton, including Steve Doocy, Meat Loaf, and one of the Koch Bros. The one with glasses. Back 2 the drawing board.

Donald J. Trump @realGeneralTrump  Nov. 26
I m shocked & outraged. The cowards at NBC r threatening 2 cancel Celeb Apprentice! I regret that I have but 1 TV show 2 give 4 my country. #Travesty&Sham

Donald J. Trump @realGeneralTrump  21m
I have a huge announcement coming soon. Very big. Huge. Bigger than anyone would know. Stay tuned.

Donald J. Trump @realGeneralTrump  Nov. 27
Good newz/bad newz. Bad newz first: I regret 2 announce that I have ben forced to cease hostilities against Obama. The Revolution is over.

Donald J. Trump @realGeneralTrump 3m
Now the good newz: The new season of Celebrity Apprentice begins Sept. 14. It’s going to be huge. Incredibly huge. Colossal. Stay tuned.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Fact Checker Gives Pinocchio “Four Romneys” For Puppet’s Claims About Why He Didn’t Go to School

The Washington Post’s film historian and fact-checker, Carl Matushka, today released his review of Pinocchio’s claim that he didn’t go to school because he was kidnapped by “two big monsters, with big, green eyes.” Matushka gave the statement “Four Romneys.”

Pinocchio makes the claim while answering questions put to him by the Blue Fairie in the animated 1940 Walt Disney film, Pinocchio. Here is the transcript of the interview in question:

Blue Fairie: Pinocchio, why didn’t you go to school?

Pinocchio: School? Well I … uh … I was going to school, ‘til I met somebody.

Blue Fairie: Met somebody?

Pinocchio:  Yeah. Two big monsters, with big green eyes!

Blue Fairie: Monsters? Weren’t you afraid?

Pinocchio:  No ma’am. But they tied me in a big sack!

Blue Fairie:  You don’t say! And where was Sir Jiminy?

Pinocchio: They put him in a little sack!

The Facts

In actuality, Pinocchio was on his way to school, but allowed himself to be sidetracked by con artists Honest John and Gideon, who convinced him to join Stromboli’s puppet show.

The Finding
Pinocchio’s musings about why he didn’t go to school were patently false. For proof of the wooden boy’s prevarications, one need look no further than his nose, which grows with each misstatement he tells the Blue Fairie, until his protruding proboscis stretches some four feet in length, and grows a bird’s nest on the end of it.

Overall, the reasons given for his having missed school – his first day of school, no less – were completely untrue. There were no “big monsters with big, green eyes,” and nobody tied Pinocchio in a big sack.
These claims earn Pinocchio Four Romneys.


Friday, November 2, 2012

Four Days After Storm, Trump’s Wig Still Missing

A bald-headed Donald Trump today offered President Obama $5 million if he will authorize FEMA to find his wig, which apparently blew off his head Monday evening when Hurricane Sandy swept through Manhattan.
The real estate mogul made the offer this morning at a press conference outside Trump Tower in midtown Manhattan. “If Barack Obama directs FEMA to drop what they’re doing in other parts of the region and begin a massive search for my hair, I will give to the charity of his choice — inner city children in Chicago, American Cancer Society, AIDS research, anything he wants — a check immediately for $5 million,” he said. “The check will be given within one hour after he orders FEMA to begin the search for my toupee. He will be doing a great service for the country if he does this.”

Trump said he lost his wig Monday during Hurricane Sandy. “I had just opened a window of my penthouse in the beautiful and luxurious Trump Tower, and stuck my head out to look at the hurricane, when a huge gust of wind came along and blew my toupee off,” said Trump. “It was huge. A huge gust of wind. The last I saw of my hair, it was soaring past West 57th Street, past the Louis Vuitton building, heading towards Central Park.”

Trump said his toupee is one of a kind, and irreplaceable. “My toupee, like everything else about me, is unique,” he said. “There isn’t another one like it in the whole world. It was made from the fur of an endangered Sumatran Orangutan, which is a very impressive, very large, orange ape. Huge. There are only about 7,000 of them still alive in the wild.”

Trump refused to place a value on the wig. “Let me put it this way,” he said. “If I were to tell you how much this toupee is worth, you would be astounded. It’s a huge dollar amount. Huge. Very big. Bigger than anyone would know.”