Saturday, December 22, 2012

NRA's Wayne LaPierre: "Arm every kindergartner to the teeth"

Responding to the rash of mass shootings across the country, NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre today proposed his organization's plan to combat the violence: arm the nation’s schoolchildren "to the teeth."

“The only thing that stops a big bad guy with a gun is a bunch of good little guys with guns,” LaPierre said at a media event that was interrupted by two men in white suits from the nearby Shady Pines Rest Home and Sanitorium for the Severely Deranged, who showed up and placed him into a straitjacket before taking him away in a van. Before he was hauled off in a straitjacket, however, LaPierre went on a 20-minute rant, blaming  Spongebob Squarepants for the recent spate of mass shootings in the U.S.

“Look,” said LaPierre, “what kind of idiot would dare come into a school and start shooting if they knew that every kindergartner in the place was armed to the teeth with assault weapons and concealed handguns? You’d have to be nuts! Plus, it’ll be the end of bullying as we know it. Everyone knows the gun is the great equalizer. No more big kids picking on the little wimpy ones, cause little Poindexter can just take out his Glock 17 semi-automatic handgun and blammo, blammo, blammo, blammo, blammo, blammo, blammo, blammo! Blammo! Only add 8 to 23 more blammos, cause it fires 17 rounds, 32 with the extended ammo clip.”

As he was being dragged away by the two white-coated Shady Pines men, LaPierre screamed, “You’ll take away our kindergartner’s guns when you pry them out of their stubby little fingers!”

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Misinterpreted Movie Titles of 2012

Liam Neeson prepares to get kinky in "50 Shades of The Grey"
Yes, it's time once again for our Top Movies of the Year list, which is hampered by the fact that we didn't see any of these movies, and also by the fact that we're doing this right after our office Christmas party, where we imbibed a tad too much of Chester the night janitor's bathtub eggnog. Now, without further ado, here's this year's list, accompanied by our best guess of what these movies are about:

Skyfall -- We're guessing this is two hours of Chicken Little repeating his never-ending doomsday delusions. Give it up, Little!

Abraham Lincoln, Umpire Killer -- A promising political career is cut short when a hotheaded young rail splitter takes up the sport of baseball, argues a call, and things get a wee bit out of control?

Wreck It, Ralph – Yet another boring rehash of the 2000 presidential election? Give it up, Gore!

The Perks of Being a Wallflower – Let me guess, it starts with the fact that you want to be a rock star, and you just happen to be Bob Dylan’s son?

The Watch – Finally! An entire movie about the episode that Christopher Walken describes in Pulp Fiction. “And now, little man, I give the watch to you…”  It’s about freakin’ time, Tarantino!

Paranormans – Norm MacDonald and George Wendt try to resurrect their cursed careers?

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Don – Kristen Stewart finally decides she’s not on Team Pasty Vampire Dude or Team Shirtless Werewolf Guy, and runs off with Don Draper from Mad Men?

Magic Mike – Finally, we find out how Mitt Romney’s 47 percent speech got recorded?

Cloud Atlas – Finally, we get proof that 99 percent of the world’s clouds reside directly over Portland, Oregon? Thanks, Rand McNally!

Ted – Mark Wahlberg’s stuffed animal comes to life as a charming, cuddly guy-next-door type. This causes problems when his girlfriend visits and asks the question, “What’s Ted Bundy doing here?”

Red Dawn, Total Recall, 21 Jump Street, Dark Shadows -- What freaking year is this, anyway?

Taken 2 – Let me guess, Liam Neeson spends 90 minutes on a bloody rampage looking for, pursuing, finding and killing everyone in Asia who even looked at anybody in his family the wrong way. We’re guessing Asia because, in Taken 1, he already killed everyone in Europe. Give it up, foreign dudes! Stop messin’ with Liam’s family!

Bonus! We take a crack at the hottest book of the year, too!

50 Shades of The Grey – From what we can gather, this is about a naive young woman who embarks on  a daring, kinky affair with Liam Neeson, who gets his kicks by having kinky sex in the freezing arctic  wilderness while simultaneously fighting savage wolves to the death with his bare hands. Give it up, wolves!