Monday, May 13, 2013

I, For One, Welcome Our New Cicada Overlords

They’ve spent the last 17 years underground, sucking on tree roots and biding their time. But now, they’re crawling up out of the earth with their bulging red eyes, shedding their skin and looking for sex. No, we’re not talking about the cast of Jersey Shore. We’re talking about Brood II – the cicada infestation that’s swarming the east coast of the U.S. Scientists tell us the cicadas are harmless, but of course, like anyone who’s spent way too much time watching bad monster movies, we know better. In order to prepare you for the horror that’s sure to come, we’ve put together this collection of quotes from some of our favorite bad bug movies. Enjoy, and may the cicadas have mercy on your soul.

“I never dreamed it would turn out to be the bees. They’ve always been our friends!”
-- Michael Caine in “The Swarm”

“The ants only want us to take care of them, work for them, feed them. And that’s the way it should be. They are superior.”
-- Brainwashed sheriff in “Empire of the Ants”

“He’s more mosquito than man by now.”
-- Dr. Jennifer Allen in “Mansquito”

“Once they were men. Now they are land crabs.”
-- Dale in “Attack of the Crab Monsters”

“After I’ve dealt with these slugs, what do you say we get naked and crazy?”
-- Mike Brady in “Slugs: The Movie”

“You want us to conduct peace negotiations with bugs?”
-- Army official in “The Bees”

“Houston on fire. Will history blame me – or the bees?”
-- Richard Widmark in “The Swarm”

A queen of beauty by day … A lusting queen wasp by night!
-- Trailer for “The Wasp Woman”

“General, I’ll make a deal with you. You make me a sergeant in charge of the booze and I’ll enlist. Make me a sergeant in charge of the booze! Make me a sergeant in charge of the booze!”
-- Jensen in “Them!”

“Science or no science, a girl’s got to get her hair done.”
-- Stephanie Clayton in “Tarantula”

“If you want to be on the safe side, call the pest control people in Springdale and have ‘em send out all the DDT they can find.”
-- Dr. Kingman in “Earth vs. the Spider”

“This is the drone of death … the terrifying sound of the monstrous cosmic ray mutations that created the giant insect enemy!”
-- Narrator in the trailer for “Monster From the Green Hell”

“I’m going to be the first officer in U.S. battle history to get his butt kicked by a mess of bugs!”
-- Richard Widmark in “The Swarm”

“You HAVE to listen! You have to listen to what the bees have to say!”
-- Angel in “The Bees”

Sunday, May 5, 2013

50 Shades of Greg

1. Purple – After climbing a flight of stairs

2. Red – After accidentally changing the channel to Fox News

3. Green – While on a ship on the ocean

4. Maroon – What happens after the ship sinks

5. Yellow – How I felt about going swimming with my friends after seeing the movie “Jaws”

6. Orange – After eating too much cantaloupe

7. Burnt orange – After my orange catches on fire

8. Blue – How I feel after finding out I’m all out of cookies

9. Tan – After spending a little time in the sun

10. Pink – After spending more than a little time in the sun

11. Beige – Bored

12. White – Just saw a ghost

13. Brown – Did a heckuva job

14. Gray – My skintone at the funeral home after killing myself rather than read “Fifty Shades of Grey”

15. Violet – My face color during the Republican convention

16. Black – After getting trapped in a licorice factory

17. Fuchsia – What I say when someone says they want to see a Shia LaBeouf movie

18. Apricot – Ate too many apricots

19. Auburn – Who I root for when Auburn plays Alabama

20. Avocado – Spilled the guacamole

21. Azure – Accidentally put Ti-D-Bowl in the bath instead of Mr. Bubble

22. Olive – Tea many martoonis

23. Lavender – My face color after eating too many mints

24. Indigo – After rubbing against the Indigo Girls

25. Gold – After pissing off Goldfinger

26. Silver – After being knighted

27. Burgundy – Fell into a vat of wine

28. Burnt Sienna – Set fire to my crayons

29. Cardinal – Almost Pope

30. Carmine – Thinking about changing my name and joining the mafia

31. Cerulean – What I call a knight named Ulean

32. Charcoal – After opening my Christmas presents

33. Chartreuse – What I call my phony map scheme

34. Magenta – After eating too many raspberry popsicles

35. Salmon – Feeling like a schnook

36. Almond – Joyful

37. Ivory – Used too much cheap soap

38. Jade – After watching a bad David Caruso movie

39. Khaki – Feeling like George W. Bush under a “Mission Accomplished” sign

40. Cyan – Saying goodbye to Ara Parseghian in Japanese

41. Ochre – Feeling Shrekish

42. Maize – How I feel that you’ve made it this far down my list

43. Russet – Type of potato I throw at the TV whenever Luke Russert comes on

44. Periwinkle – What you get when the Governor of Texas marries Wee Willie

45. Vanilla – Meh

46. Sepia – What happens when I close my eyes after watching a Pia Zadora movie

47. Scarlet – The color someone’s face turns after getting slapped 27 times by Scarlett O’Hara

48. Ecru – What you ask Brutus when he shows up in a yellowish-brown toga

49. Plum – Color my face turns when I plug the toilet and have to call the plumber

50. Navy – Where you look for the Village People if they’re not at the YMCA