Saturday, July 27, 2013

Whitey Bulger case dropped: ‘He was just another of Anthony Weiner’s aliases’

The federal case against Whitey Bulger was dropped today when it was revealed that the alleged mob boss never really existed.

“Turns out there is no Whitey Bulger,” lead prosecutor Frank Wyshak told a group of stunned reporters outside the federal courthouse in Boston. “Apparently he was just another of the fake names Anthony Weiner used when texting pictures of his private parts to women.”    

Bulger, or the imaginary person known as Whitey Bulger, had been on trial on federal charges of racketeering and the murder of 19 people. But after seven weeks of explosive testimony, the charges were dismissed after Weiner admitted that Whitey Bulger was just one of the names he made up to use as an alias when he emailed pictures of his penis to women.

“Like Carlos Danger, Whitey Bulger was just one of those names I used when sexting,” Weiner told the New York Times on Saturday. “I thought it was funny, until the feds put my creation on trial. Whitey Bulger never hurt anybody. He was just a funloving guy I created who liked to take pictures of his penis and send them to random women I never met.”

The bombshell left the prosecution – and the public – to wonder how they had been so easily duped.

“In hindsight, we should have known,” said Wyshak. “But it’s not always so easy. How many people knew about Carlos Danger before last week?”

Meanwhile, sources close to the case warned the public to prepare for more celebrities to be revealed as nothing more than fake names used by the disgraced former New York congressman and mayoral candidate.  

Said one investigator: “Some of the celebrities we’re looking into that may have been simply aliases created by Anthony Weiner include the late actor and comedian Wally Cox, former New York Yankees pitcher Chien Ming Wang, the French author HonorĂ© de Balzac, former Chicago Bears linebacker Dick Butkus, and Anthony Weiner.”

Thursday, July 25, 2013

A statement from Carlos Danger

Hola, amigos. I am Carlos Danger, and you are looking muy, muy sexy.

Perhaps you are wondering, “who is this Carlos Danger I am hearing so much about, whose name is flying around the Twitter with the power of a thousand sharknados, and who has just texted me sexy photos of his junco?” Or, perhaps it is the case that you have not yet heard of Carlos Danger. If this is so, then please, do not feel bad. It is not you. It is my workload. Obviously, I have not yet gotten around to texting you sexy pictures of my nether regions, which I can assure you are quite alluring. You see, as the alter ego of the disgraced former New York Congressman and current mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner, it is my duty to text pictures of my private parts to thousands of sexy ladies I have never met, and there are only so many hours in the day, my sexy friends.

So let me begin by telling you something about my background. I, Carlos Alejandro Rodrigo Maximo Danger, come from a long line of dashing deviants and swashbuckling perverts.

I am the son of Don Fernando Ricardo Ernesto Luis Narciso Felipe Danger, the famous Flashing Matador, who used to dangle his family jewels in the arena while bullfighting before thousands of delirious fans. This was before cellphones were invented, and we Dangers had to expose ourselves in public like common pervertidos, rather than in the privacy of our own cameraphones. My father died gloriously in the bullring at the Plaza de Toros de las Ventas in Madrid, when he was gored in the gonads by El Furio, the most magnificent of all el toro bravos, when I was but a child of six.

My mother, who has dressed all in black and refused to appear in public since that sad day, is Guadalupe Juanita del Carmen Miranda Theresa de la Vega Danger, the great, great, great granddaughter of none other than Don Diego Hernando de la Vega, better known to you, my sexy gringos, as Naked Zorro, the dashing, nude outlaw who wore nothing but a black mask to hide his identity as he gallantly and nakedly defended the people of Oaxaca against corrupt officials, tyrants and other despicable and unsexy individuals. Instead of carving a trademark "Z" with his sword, Don Felix enraged the Alcalde by riding around the territory and drawing his penis onto his wanted posters for all to see.

On my father’s side of the family, we have my great-great-great grandfather, Hector Danger, the Degenerate of Durango, hero of The Alamo, who gallantly exposed his cojones in a portrait he commissioned in Mexico City in January of 1836, a painting which he then copied and sent to the wives of Colonel Jim Bowie and Colonel Travis of the Texas army, just weeks before the famous battle.

Hector’s great uncle was none other than Pedro Danger, the famous buccaneer, scourge of the Tortugas, known throughout the West Indies as Blackballs the Pirate, who had a giant picture of his unmentionables sewn onto his Jolly Roger and flown proudly from the mast of his pirate ship.

It is said that my ancestors were direct descendents of the Danglers, the Incan cave dwellers who were famous throughout South America for drawing pictures of their privates on the walls of the caves of Cuzco. Later the “l” was dropped from the Dangler name, and thus was the surname Danger born.   

And so, you see, while Anthony Weiner will once again have to apologize for the actions of me, Carlos Danger, I will never apologize, for I am only carrying on the disgusting and debauched traditions of my perverted ancestors, as it is the tradition of all Dangers to do. Yes, proudly will I, Carlos Danger, continue to fly the sexy flag of my forefathers and utter the Danger family motto: “Pants? We don’t need no stinkin’ pants!”

Until we text again, my sexy friends.

Turgidly yours,     
Carlos Danger

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the tornado … Sharknado!

What’s worse than a sharknado? How about a Shih Tzunami?

Just a couple of nights ago we were sitting on our couch watching TV when it happened, the moment none of us will ever forget. Years from now, decades even, people will come up to you on the street and ask, “Do you remember where you were when the Sharknado hit?” And you will answer, “Yes. Yes I do.”

Sharknado, the fabulously stupid made-for-TV movie about sharks being picked up in giant water spouts and hurled at Los Angeles (honest, this is a real movie!), premiered on the SyFy channel on Thursday, taking the country by, uhh, storm.

The first thing we did, immediately after sitting down to write the sequel (which we’re either going to call “Abraham Lincoln: Sharknado Killer” or “Sharknadoes on a Plane,” we can’t decide) was to read some other folks’ suggestions for the sequel, on Twitter, including:

and Hurricanine

We’ve come up with our own list:

Shih Tzunami


Baboonhaboob (or simply “baboob”): a haboob full of baboons

Penguinferno: It ends with our hero kneeling on a sandy beach before a toppled, scorched Statue of Liberty, wailing, “You tuxedoed pyromaniacs! You burned it up!”

Apecano: Everything was fine until the volcano started spewin’ monkeys!

Terminatornado: A tornado with Terminators in it

Gnu’easter: A storm full of gnus off the New England coast

Godzillacane: A hurricane full of Godzillas

Gatorquake: An earthquake that spews giant gators

Kittycane: the purrrfect storm
And for you vegetarians out there:

Beet Wave

and Potatocano

And one for the dessert lovers:

Piephoon: “Make mine blueberry, o mighty Poseidon!”

Perhaps even scarier are the celebrity versions:
Kardashianami: Is there anything more terrifying?

SharkNader: It ate Al Gore’s presidency

Mr. T-phoon: I pity the ‘phoon who thinks he can blow me away!

Hitlercano: Yes, a volcano that spews Hitlers

Valcano: Or one that spews Val Kilmers

Charlie Halestorm: It’s not just raining men, it’s hailing mayors!

Tornado: A tornado full of Tor Johnsons, the ex-wrestler-turned-actor from Plan 9 From Outer Space

Trumpphoon: Alternate title, “Blow Hard”

Ben Huricane: A hurricane full of Charlton Hestons

Mel Gibsunami: The Jews caused it!  Or, Hello, Sugarwaves

Earthaquake: An earthquake full of Eartha Kitts

Here-Comes-Honeyhabooboo: A rube-filled haboob

Carmen Electracalstorm

Phoebe Snowstorm

Thursday, July 4, 2013

Thank you Mask Man

As if we didn’t have enough weirdos in masks and capes hopping around on our movie screens this summer, The Lone Ranger galloped into theaters this week, with his faithful Indian sidekick, Tonto, and you know what that means, kemosabe. It means it’s time to prepare yourselves for all those terrible, awful, no-good, horrible, really bad ads. You know the ones we mean. Bankers calling themselves “The Loan Arranger.” Landscapers turning into “The Lawn Ranger.” You’ll probably even hear some exterminator commercial that ends with a masked bug squirter in tights shouting, “Hi-yo, Silverfish! Away!”

Here are a few more you’ll want to keep an eye out for:

A plastic surgeon who specializes in ears – The Lobe Arranger

Lisa Loeb’s music arranger -- The Loeb Arranger

A scientist who promises to make exact duplicates of your pets -- The Clone Arranger

A brain Surgeon -- The Lone Brainger

The zombie Lone Ranger -- The Lone Braaaaaaaaaainger

Pilot of the remote-controlled spycraft that’s hovering over me right now, watching as I write this sentence (Hi, Mr. President!) – The Drone Ranger

Last remaining member of the group Fountains of Wayne – The Lone Waynger

A cook at a Chinese restaurant -- The Lo Meinger,

and his sidekick, Won-Tonto

And then there are all of Tonto’s relatives:

The Loan Arranger’s sidekick, who waits outside the Loan Arranger’s office and mocks you after you’ve been turned down for a loan -- Taunto

Don Ho’s sidekick -- Donto

Blondie’s sidekick -- Blonto

Jeff Bridges’ sidekick, who follows him into a video game – Tronto

Sidekick to a pawn broker – Pawnto

Sidekick to a large, swimming crustacean – Prawnto

Sonny Corleone’s sidekick – James Caanto

Sidekick to World Champion figure skater Michelle Kwan – Kwanto

Sidekick to the Bronte sisters – Bronto

Sidekick to the Brawny paper towel guy – Brawnto

Oliver North’s secretary’s sidekick – Fawnto

Jon Bon Jovi’s sidekick – Jon Bonto

Chaka Khan’s sidekick – Chaka Khanto

Sidekick to a pastry chef who specializes in caramel custards -- Flanto

Sidekick to a giant ape – King Konto

Sidekick to a men’s room attendant who calls himself The Porcelain Throne Ranger -- Johnto

The Lawn Ranger’s unfortunate sidekick, who got in the way of the lawn mower -- Ninetoe

The Tin Man’s sidekick -- Tinto

TinTin’s sidekick -- TinTinto

Rin Tin Tin’s sidekick -- Rin Tin Tinto

George Hamilton’s sidekick – Tanto