Ahoy there! Remember me? No? Of course you don’t. It is I, the Ty-D-Bol man. You probably don’t recognize me in these filthy rags and long, scraggly hair and beard. No, I’m not the handsome nautical hero I used to be, lo those many years ago, before you closed the lid on me and left me here, abandoned, floating alone on my dinghy in your toilet tank. Marooned.
I used to have a motorboat, though God knows why. So I could get from one end of your toilet to the other faster? Please. It’s not like it’s the vast Pacific in here. It’s a toilet, fercryinoutloud! I can row it in like, two seconds. Or I could, if I hadn’t used my oars for firewood a long time ago. I chopped them up and poured what was left of the gasoline on them and burned them for warmth. That was around the same time I spelled out the word H-E-L-P on the inside of your toilet tank with Scrubbing Bubbles, hoping someone would see it and rescue me. But then you just flushed and whoosh! It was gone. Leaving me floating here, alone in a sea of sparkling blue toilet water, with nothing to do but think of what a waste my life has been.
You think I’m proud to be the Captain of a toilet dinghy? It’s humiliating! I come from a long line of famous maritime heroes. My great-grandfather was Cap’n Crunch, sailing the high seas, doing battle with Jean LaFoote, the barefoot pirate. My grandfather? The Gorton’s Fisherman. What a provider! Every night, he brought home the fish sticks. And my father, the Old Spice Sailor. He wanted me to join the navy, like my brother, Sailor Jack. He’s rich now, rolling in Cracker Jack prizes. But I got an offer from Ty-D-Bol, and I took it. Now look at me. Useless. Sure, I’m a captain. I’ve still got my captain’s hat, and my dinghy. I could perform a wedding, but who wants to get married in a toilet? No one, that’s who. I’ll die alone in your tank, and no one will ever know. Unless, by some miracle, someone finds this note I’m putting in this bottle. If you do, tell my wife and kids I love them. And tell them, don’t drink the Ty-D-Bol water. Sure, it looks great – beautiful Caribbean blue – but it’s full of chemicals.
Farewell, ungrateful person with a sparkling, clean toilet! Tell the world my story!