tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-54189503984831518422024-02-20T18:07:04.518-08:00The Daily Wedgieby Greg MandelGreg Mandelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09583720474386347206noreply@blogger.comBlogger134125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5418950398483151842.post-85666416766191676542015-03-31T15:35:00.002-07:002015-03-31T15:48:46.923-07:00Beware of the dwarf: Not the first time Mike Pence has caused troubleWhy is everyone so surprised that Mike Pence is a giant a-hole? I knew this cat was evil the first time I saw him, when he tried to strangle Goldie Hawn in the library in "Foul Play" back in '78. In the library, people!!!<br />
<br />
Good to see you're still in league with midgets, Pence...er, Whitey Jackson... <br />
<br />Greg Mandelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09583720474386347206noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5418950398483151842.post-84971420735851431162015-02-16T18:26:00.002-08:002015-03-31T15:47:38.927-07:00A Day to Celebrate Bird Poop and Cheap Furniture<div style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;">
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Today is Presidents' Day. That time of year when we come together as a nation to celebrate our leaders and their ability to bring to us amazing deals on patio furniture. Oh, sure, we've got Abe Lincoln and George Washington -- whose birthdays have been neatly combined into one big two-fer-one blowout extravaganza. But what about the rest of the presidents? Those long-forgotten mediocrities like Grover Cleveland and William Howard Taft, AKA Uncle Jumbo -- whose primary achievement as chief executive was to give us perhaps the wackiest bit of presidential slapstick in our nation's history, when he -- all 332 pounds of him -- got stuck in the White House bathtub and had to be extricated by six plumbers and a gallon of butter.<br />
<br />
And then there's Millard Fillmore, our 13th -- and perhaps most irrelevant -- president, who is best known (at least by me!) for successfully negotiating a treaty with Peru for the use of -- wait for it -- <i>guano.</i> <br />
<br />
So move over, George and Abe. You’re going to have to share today with the Millard Fillmores and Franklin Pierces, the failures and flops. Because I've written a really bad poem celebrating them and their, uhh, achievements. So for all you Arthurians and Fillmorons out there, this bad poem is for you: <br />
<br />
<i>You ended up a Know-Nothing, <br />After starting out a Whig<br />But about Millard Fillmore<br />Now no one gives a fig.<br />Still, your picture hangs in the White House hall<br />Though you’re Presidential detritus<br />But you’d never have gotten there at all<br />If not for Zach Taylor’s gastroenteritis.<br /><br />When it comes to mediocrity<br />Millard, you’re number one<br />You’re less memorable than Franklin Pierce<br />Who, while Prez, got nothing done<br />John Tyler and James Buchanan<br />Bow to your mediocre ways<br />And when measuring accomplishments<br />You’re no Rutherford B. Hayes<br /><br />Compared to you Cal Coolidge was full of pep,<br />and Grover Cleveland was the bomb<br />At least Andrew Johnson was a roaring drunk<br />and Ford got shot at by Squeaky Fromme.<br />Warren Harding had the teapot dome<br />and gambled away the White House china<br />Martin Van Buren had awesome muttonchops<br />Why, even Benjamin Harrison was finer.<br /><br />Herbert Hoover was not mediocre, he was bad<br />And so he cannot challenge you<br />And if Hoover was the worst president<br />Then Bush Junior smells like number two<br />That leaves just one inconsequential gent<br />To battle you, mano-a-mano,<br />But even Chester Alan Arthur can’t<br />Knock you off your pile of guano.</i>Greg Mandelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09583720474386347206noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5418950398483151842.post-88023646499814986132015-01-16T23:25:00.002-08:002015-01-16T23:29:58.185-08:00Johnny Jingleballs, North Pole Detective in "Farewell, My Portly"<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]--><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> <i> </i></span><i>“So
that’s how you want to play it, huh?” yelled Santa. “You wanta play rough?” He leaned
down and picked up a tommy gun from the floor. “You wanta play games? Let’s
play! Say hello-ho-ho to my little friend!” <br />
I sprinted for the bank of windows along the far wall as
he swung the big gun around at me and pulled the trigger, screaming. Santa’s
machine gun belched flame as he cut a jagged swath of death across the room:
rat-a-tat-tat...</i></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><i> </i>Grandma got run over by a reindeer. Or did she? There's only one man tough enough to take on the Santa syndicate and get to the truth: Johnny Jingleballs, North Pole P.I. But Santa's midget goons aren't about to let Johnny just walk in and bust up the Kringle gang. Can Johnny lick the fat man and his dinky Dillingers? Find out in <a href="http://www.johnnyjingleballs.blogspot.com/">"Farewell, My Portly," </a>a gooey, raisin-filled fruitcake of a mystery. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><i> </i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><i><a href="http://www.johnnyjingleballs.blogspot.com/">Click here to read "Farewell, My Portly"</a></i></span>Greg Mandelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09583720474386347206noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5418950398483151842.post-51495097084688632072014-12-25T13:03:00.002-08:002014-12-25T13:50:20.557-08:00The Hipster's Night Before Christmas<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house<br />
No one was stirring, except for old Klaus, <br />
Who wasn’t as old as he first appeared. <br />
It’s just that he wore a bushy Civil War-era beard.<br />
<br />
The stockings -- knit with wool from free-range, grass-fed sheep -- <br />
Were hung by the chimney cleaned by a local, fair trade chimney sweep, <br />
Next to natural soy wax, sea moss-scented candles, <br />
By the fire of reclaimed wood cut with an axe with an old growth Douglas Fir handle.<br />
<br />
The kids – Piper and Bowie – nestled in their futons ‘neath old vintage sheets, <br />
With Urban Outfitters tube socks covering their feet.<br />
And Mama in her Christmas sweater, which was ironically ugly, <br />
Waited for the professional cuddler to come over and hug her so snugly.<br />
<br />
‘Cause Klaus was busy blogging about organic vegan soup, <br />
While sipping egg nog in a mason jar (made from free range eggs from backyard chicken coop).<br />
When out in the street there arose such a melee, <br />
Klaus leapt from his chair, dropping his ukulele.<br />
<br />
Away to the window he flew, quite dismayed, <br />
And snapped up the vintage yellow window shade. <br />
“OMG! It looks like an elf or some giant pixie<br />
Just crashed his hybrid sleigh right into my fixie!”<br />
<br />
Then from the fireplace came a sudden whooshing sound, <br />
And down the chimney Hipster Santa came tumbling down. <br />
He had pasty white skin, and a beard white as snow, <br />
And a red fedora, perched atop his head just so. <br />
<br />
A pair of black-frame glasses sat high on his nose,<br />
And he wore red skinny jeans that fit like panty hose.<br />
On his neck was an artisanal star tattoo, <br />
And he wore a cardigan from American Apparel, or possibly J. Crew. <br />
<br />
Said Klaus: “But where are your reindeer? Have they all gone lame?”<br />
Hipster Santa just shrugged. “They were harming the planet with all their methane. <br />
Dude, I’d love to stay and talk about fighting The Man,<br />
But I’ve got to review the snack you left me: gluten-free macaroons and PBR in a can.”<br />
<br />
“Here,” he said, handing Klaus a gift from his messenger bag. <br />
“You were naughty this year, so your gift is a drag. <br />
No ironic t-shirt, no thrift-store deep-v. <br />
Instead -- ‘cause coal’s bad for the planet -- you get a Nickelback cd.”<br />
<br />
And then, with a whoosh, Hipster Santa was gone, <br />
Back up the chimney, and out onto the lawn. <br />
But I heard him exclaim, as he started his sleigh, <br />
“Merry Christmas to all, in an ironic way.” Greg Mandelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09583720474386347206noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5418950398483151842.post-41186614068874359632014-12-17T22:12:00.002-08:002014-12-17T22:12:23.859-08:00It's a Wonderful Police BlotterThe movie “It’s a Wonderful Life,” as told in the police log of <i>The Bedford Falls Sentinel: </i><br />
<br />
<b>May 20, 1928</b><br />
<br />
1:37 p.m. Police were called to the 600 block of Main Street, where a
caller said a pedestrian was causing traffic to back up. Violet Bick,
21, was cited for causing a public disturbance.<br />
<br />
11:28 p.m. A caller reported a male and female singing loudly and
throwing rocks at the windows of an abandoned building in the 300 block
of Sycamore Street. When police arrived, they found only a female, naked
and hiding in some hydrangea bushes. Mary Hatch, 18, was arrested and
charged with indecent exposure. <br />
<br />
<b>June 1, 1932</b><br />
<br />
9:16 p.m. A caller reported an intoxicated man creating a loud
disturbance on New England Street. Officers investigated and found
William Bailey, 60, passed out next to some garbage cans. Bailey was
arrested and charged with public drunkenness. <br />
<br />
10:01 p.m. A caller reported a large crowd gathered in the 200 block of
Genesee Street. Violet Bick, 25, was cited for causing a public
disturbance. <br />
<br />
<b>October 25, 1932</b><br />
<br />
11:25 a.m. Police responded to a report of an unruly mob gathering at
the bank. The mob was dispersed with tear gas. No arrests were made. <br />
<br />
8:37 p.m. A caller reported trespassers in the Old Granville House, 320
Sycamore Street. Police arrived to find a newly married couple, George
and Mary Bailey, had taken up residence in the building, which had been
condemned in 1925. The couple were cited for trespassing and warned to
vacate the premises immediately. <br />
<br />
<b>December 24, 1945</b><br />
<br />
5:12 p.m. A woman in the 300 block of Sycamore Street called police and
reported that her husband was being verbally abusive to her and her
children. <br />
<br />
6:02 p.m. Henry F. Potter, President of
the Bank, swore out a warrant for the arrest of George Bailey on
charges of misappropriation of funds, manipulation and malfeasance in
connection with $8000 in missing funds from the Bailey Bros. Building
& Loan. <br />
<br />
7:15 p.m. Nick, the bartender at
Martini’s Bar, called police to report a fight. An arrest warrant was
issued for Mr. Welch on charges of assault and battery. <br />
<br />
7:23 p.m. A caller reported that an intoxicated man had crashed his car
into a tree which his grandfather had planted, on Bridge Street, and
then fled on foot in the direction of the toll bridge. <br />
<br />
7:29 p.m. A woman in the 300 block of Sycamore Street called police and reported that her husband was missing. <br />
<br />
7:45 p.m. A caller reported seeing two men jump into the canal from the toll bridge. <br />
<br />
9:02 p.m. Police were called to a disturbance at the Dreamland Dance
Club. Violet Bick, 38, was arrested and charged with soliciting. <br />
<br />
9:21 p.m. A cab driver, Ernie Bishop, reported that a man “who was
bats” and claimed he had gotten some bad liquor had run off without
paying his fare in the 300 block of Sycamore Street. Bert the Cop
responded and followed the man into an abandoned building. An
altercation ensued, during which a second suspect, who claimed he was
“an angel, second class,” bit the officer on the wrist. The two suspects
escaped on foot. <br />
<br />
9:39 p.m. A caller reported
that a “loony” had come to her residence on New England Street and
claimed that she was his mother. The woman told the man to leave. <br />
<br />
9:50 p.m. A caller reported that a disturbed man, possibly intoxicated,
had accosted an old maid outside the public library. The man had
claimed that the old maid was his wife, then chased her down Genesee
Street and into a nearby establishment, where she fainted. Bert the Cop
responded and attempted to apprehend the suspect, but the man punched
the officer and fled on foot. The officer then fired several shots
across the crowded street at the fleeing suspect, wounding two
bystanders before pursuing the suspect in his squad car. <br />
<br />
10:20 p.m. Several business owners reported a man running down Main
Street cheering and yelling, “Merry Christmas” at various buildings. <br />
<br />
10:22 p.m. Henry F. Potter reported seeing fugitive George Bailey
running past his office at the bank. He said that Bailey yelled “Merry
Christmas” to him before running off in the direction of Sycamore
Street.<br />
<br />Greg Mandelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09583720474386347206noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5418950398483151842.post-4522518298394147972014-11-27T19:39:00.001-08:002014-12-17T22:52:55.663-08:00A Message From a Pardoned Turkey<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://holidayinsights.com/tday/turk2.gif" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://holidayinsights.com/tday/turk2.gif" height="245" width="320" /></a></div>
Hey, Mac, ya got a nickel? Buy me a drink and I’ll tell you my tale. It goes like this: Why me? Why am I so lucky? <i>Lucky.</i> That’s a laugh. Millions of turkeys, carved up and served for Thanksgiving dinner from Weeki Wachee to Wabasha, and here I sit. Alive. Pardoned by the President. He picked me, pal. Me! Not Rhode Island Red or Wishbone Jones. They were my friends. I saw ‘em get the axe out behind the woodshed, heard Jonesy’s cries for help, and I did nothing! He got it right in the gizzard. I coulda done something. I coulda pecked that crazed farmer’s blasted eyes out, but no! I just stood there, gobbling like an idiot, while my friends were murdered. Every one of them. Tommy. Gobbler. Gravy Train. Kowalski. Even Sergeant McStuffing. Dead. All dead. Except me.<br />
<br />
<i>(He slams the empty shot glass down on the bar).</i><br />
<br />
Sure, I’ll have another. I’ll always have another. But not Butterball Johnson. He’ll never have another, or peck at another speck of cornmeal. He was my friend, and he’s dead. They took his giblets, Mac. His giblets! What kind of sick bastard does that? <br />
<br />
So, why am I here? What’s so special about me? Is it the color of my snood? The shape of my wattle? I need to know why that’s not me up on the table, all greased up like a Kardashian with my butt stuffed full of breadcrumbs. They got the axe and I got the golden ticket. Sent to live on a farm in Virginia, with all the other pardoned turkeys. Living our days in luxury, all the feed we could eat, acres and acres of soybean as far as the eye can see. I should be grateful, right? Content. But at night, when I close my eyes, I can still hear Wishbone screaming. I tell ya, I couldn’t take it! So I flew the coop, hopped a freight west and I been lammin’ it ever since. Ridin’ the rails. <br />
<br />
They called me lucky. That’s a laugh. Fate sneaks up and puts the finger on you, and that’s it, brother. There’s no rhyme or reason to it, why Kowalski’s on the table floatin’ in gravy with his drumsticks hangin’ out, while I’m alive and free. Yeah, I’m free all right. Free bird! <br />
<br />
Hey, where ya goin’, Mac? Don’t you wanna hear the rest of my story? Mac? Ah, screw it. Bartender! Gimme another. Greg Mandelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09583720474386347206noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5418950398483151842.post-13114701271858014302014-11-19T18:58:00.001-08:002015-01-17T00:13:03.041-08:00The Ballad of Thomas Crapper<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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Today is World Toilet Day, which was created by the <a href="http://worldtoilet.org/">World Toilet Organization</a> to draw attention to the fact that 2.5 billion people around the world are still pottying like it's 999. That's right -- they're looless. Which stinks, in more ways than one. It's actually a very serious public health matter. So, to celebrate this flushtastic day and the work of the WTO, we've composed a little ditty honoring one of our heroes, Thomas Crapper, the 19<sup>th</sup> century English plumber who was instrumental in bringing the flush toilet to the masses. </div>
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Contrary to popular belief,
Mr. Crapper did not invent the flush toilet. This is crushing news for humor
columnists and third graders everywhere. So, as much as we’d love to make wisecracks
about Crapper inventing the toilet, we’ll have to settle for the other
toilet-related stuff he actually did develop, like the ballcock. Nothing to
work with there! But even though Mr. Crapper didn’t invent the flusher, he did
much to increase its popularity and to promote sanitary plumbing. He was even
hired to supply royal privies for Prince Edward (later King Edward VII), and
George V. So Crapper fans have reason to be flushed with pride after all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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A toast to Mr. Crapper on World Toilet Day, sung to the tune of
The Beverly Hillbillies theme song. Enjoy! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<b>The Ballad of Thomas
Crapper</b></div>
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Come and listen to a
story about a man named Tom</div>
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A poor plumber’s apprentice
who could barely get along</div>
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Then one day he was
sittin’ on his can</div>
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And up from his brain
come a genius plan. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Idea that is. Automatic
valve. Ballcock!</div>
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<br /></div>
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Well the first thing you
know ol Tom’s a sanitary engineer, <br />
Started selling toilets with a seat for your rear<br />
Said, “Crapper’s Valveless Water Waste Preventer’s where you oughta pee,”<br />
Then he got a job making toilets for the Royal Family. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Windsors, that is. Royal
thrones. Majesties. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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Now it’s World War I and the
Yanks are over there</div>
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And in old London town, the
whiz kid’s name was everywhere</div>
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Printed on the toilet
tanks for everyone to see<br />
Was the name T. Crapper from the town of Chelsea.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
England, that is. Jolly
good. Bad teeth. </div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
When the doughboys
returned to the land of all their kin</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
They brought somethin’
back from the place where they’d just been</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
Anyone who had to go,
gentleman or flapper</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
If you asked where they
went, the answer was, “the Crapper.” </div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
Thomas, that is. Set a
spell. Take your shoes off.</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
Y’all come back now, y’hear?<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
</div>
Greg Mandelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09583720474386347206noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5418950398483151842.post-45976433425378190052014-10-18T14:30:00.001-07:002014-10-18T15:12:40.553-07:00Quentin Tarantino's "It's the Great Pumpkin, Jackie Brown"<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]--><span class="caps">Starring:</span><span class="caps"> </span>
<br />
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span class="caps">Samuel
L. Jackson as Charlie Brown</span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span class="caps">Pam
Grier as Lucy</span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span class="caps">Robert
DeNiro as Linus</span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span class="caps">Bridget
Fonda as Peppermint Patty</span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span class="caps">Michael
Keaton as Pig-Pen</span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
Lisa Gay Hamilton as
Charlie Brown’s little sister, Sheronda</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span class="caps">Robert
Forster as Max Cherry, Cherry Bail Bonds</span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
Chris Tucker as Snoopy</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Scene I</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<i>
</i><br />
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<i>Halloween night. Lucy,
Charlie Brown, Schroeder, Patty, and Pig-Pen are all in costume,
trick-or-treating. </i></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
Lucy: I got 5 pieces of
candy!</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
Schroeder: I got a
chocolate bar!</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
Patty: I got a quarter!</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
Charlie Brown: I got a
Glock, motherfucker!</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Scene II</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
</div>
<i>
</i><br />
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<i>Charlie Brown is raking
leaves in his yard. Lucy enters carrying a football. </i></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
Lucy: Say, Charlie Brown.
I’ve got a football. How about practicing a few placekicks? I’ll hold the ball,
and you come running and kick it!</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
Charlie Brown: Look,
bitch. My ass might be dumb, but I am not a dumb ass. </div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
Lucy: Oh, come on,
Charlie Brown. I’ll hold it steady.</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
Charlie Brown: You just
want me to come running up to kick that ball so you can pull it away and see me
land flat on my back and kill myself.</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
Lucy: This time, you can
trust me. See, here’s a signed document, testifying that I promise not to pull
it away.</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<i>Charlie takes the
document and reads it.</i></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
Charlie: It is signed!
It’s a signed document! I guess if you have a signed document in your
possession, you can’t go wrong. This year I’m really gonna kick that football.</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<i>Charlie Brown runs toward
Lucy, but at the last second, Lucy pulls the football away. Charlie screams as
he kicks at air, landing on his back. </i></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
Lucy: Peculiar thing
about this document. It was never notarized.</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<i>Charlie Brown stands up,
frowning. He is humiliated. </i></div>
<i>
</i><br />
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
Charlie: Woman, damn. </div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<i>He takes out his Glock
and pumps two bullets into Lucy’s torso.</i></div>
Greg Mandelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09583720474386347206noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5418950398483151842.post-25623215780496328952014-06-17T11:38:00.000-07:002014-10-18T15:05:55.422-07:00Game of Thrones, The Musical<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://cdn.ricochet.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/fivegamers-002.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://cdn.ricochet.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/fivegamers-002.jpg" height="240" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
Game of Thrones season is over, and fans are going into withdrawal. So we’ve mashed the HBO hit with a classic musical to bring you …<br />
<br />
<b>Westeros Side Story</b><br />
<br />
The action opens on a playground in King’s Landing. The Lannister gang – Jaime, Joffrey, Tyrion, Cersai, Lancel, and Lord Tywin, are sitting around snapping their fingers. They rise as one and begin slinking across the playground, snapping fingers in rhythm. Suddenly they begin leaping and dancing, yelling “Lannisters!” as they pirouette in time. <br />
<br />
<i>Meanwhile...</i><br />
<br />
The Starks – Ned, Catelynn, Robb, Jon Snow, Bran (carried on the back of the giant, Hodor), Rickon, Sansa, and Arya -- fingersnap their way up a nearby alley. Suddenly they, too, begin leaping and dancing, yelling, “Starks!” Skipping and twirling together in choreographed rhythm, they cross the street.<br />
<br />
The two gangs come face to face across an empty lot. The Lannisters fingersnap their way to the Starks. Lord Tywin begins slowly snapping his fingers in Ned’s face. <br />
<br />
<b>Tywin:</b> Beat it! <br />
<br />
The two gangs begin leaping and dancing at each other, before the Lannisters, twirling and pirouetting, chase the Starks out of the empty lot. <br />
<br />
<i>Later:</i><br />
<br />
Robb Stark sits on a concrete wall watching as Joffrey paints “Starks Stink!” on a tenement wall in huge, white letters. Robb leaps down to the ground as several Starks encircle Joffrey and begin fingersnapping at him. <br />
<br />
Joffrey yells, “Lannisters!” and five Lannisters come running to his aid. Another rumble begins as the two sides taunt each other with jazz hands. <br />
<br />
<i>Later: </i><br />
<br />
The Lannisters are alone on the playground. <br />
<br />
<b>Joffrey:</b> I say we rumble! Chop chop!<br />
<br />
<b>Tywin:</b> Cool down, Action Boy. The Starks want a piece of this world too. And they’re real down boys. Now what’s your mood, Lannisters? <br />
<br />
<b>Joffrey:</b> I say go-go, daddy-o!<br />
<br />
<b>Jaime:</b> I say mix!<br />
<br />
<b>Cersei:</b> I say sock ‘em!<br />
<br />
<b>Tywin:</b> Okay, cats, we rumble!<br />
(Singing)<br />
When you’re a Lannister you pay your debts like a man<br />
From your first cigarette till you get shot with an arrow while you’re on the can.<br />
<br />
<b>Joffrey (singing):</b> When you’re a Lannister you’re top cat every time<br />
But at your wedding feast better not drink the wine<br />
<br />
<b>Jaime (singing):</b> When you’re a Lannister you’re the swinginest mister<br />
You get a shiny gold hand, and you get to shtup your own sister!<br />
<br />
<i>(All together, fingersnapping)</i><br />
When you’re a Lannister, that’s why we get the big bucks<br />
We’ll fight white walkers and dragons and armies of eunuchs…<br />
<br />
<i>To be continued... (or maybe not)</i>Greg Mandelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09583720474386347206noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5418950398483151842.post-18785750817716955962014-05-18T18:09:00.001-07:002014-06-17T11:53:43.536-07:00What If Godzilla Was One Of Us<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://d75822.medialib.glogster.com/media/25/25eb1b875784fbc393da0839e2b81c262ffe891f72402a9161cc8571f10637bc/godzilla60s-jpg.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://d75822.medialib.glogster.com/media/25/25eb1b875784fbc393da0839e2b81c262ffe891f72402a9161cc8571f10637bc/godzilla60s-jpg.jpg" height="289" width="320" /></a></div>
With Godzilla stomping the box office and once again scorching everything in his path with his radioactive breath, we decided to honor the King of the Monsters by rewriting Joan Osborne’s 1990s hit “(What If God Was ) One of Us.” With all apologies to Ms. Osborne, here goes: <br />
<br />
<br />
If Godzilla had shame, because of his breath <br />
Would you offer him a mint even if it meant your death<br />
If you were faced with him and his atomic halitosis<br />
That could turn you to ash with just one kiss<br />
And yeah, yeah, Godzilla’s breath stinks<br />
Yeah, yeah, Godzilla’s breath reeks<br />
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah<br />
What if Godzilla was one of us? <br />
Just a slob like one of us?<br />
He’d be all cramped riding on the bus<br />
Trying to make his way home<br />
From his job answering phones<br />
At the call center in Nome<br />
<br />
If Godzilla had to sneeze<br />
He’d accidentally fry some guy<br />
Who just happened to be<br />
Sitting in a seat nearby, and then he would be<br />
Feeling stupid and remorseful and filled with self-loathing<br />
And all apologies<br />
And yeah, yeah, Godzilla’s life stinks<br />
Yeah, yeah, Godzilla’s life reeks<br />
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah<br />
What if Godzilla was one of us?<br />
Just a slob like one of us?<br />
He’d be all cramped riding on the bus<br />
Trying to make his way home<br />
From his job answering phones<br />
At a call center in Nome <br />
Back to the ocean all alone<br />
Nobody callin' on the phone<br />
'Cept for the Pope, maybe, in Rome<br />
Or someone else who randomly rhymes with phone<br />
Like maybe this Osborne singer Joan<br />
Or our old friend Fred Flintstone<br />
Or maybe even Sharon Stone<br />
Or someone from The Game of Thrones<br />
<br />
And yeah, yeah, Godzilla’s breath stinks<br />
Yeah, yeah, Godzilla’s breath reeks<br />
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah<br />
What if Godzilla was one of us?<br />
Just a slob like one of us?<br />
Instead of eating people on the bus<br />
He has to act all serious<br />
When the boss comes in the room<br />
Hoping lunchtime comes real soon<br />
Just trying to listen to his iTunes<br />
On his little white headphones<br />
Just trying to make his way home<br />
Nobody callin’ on the phone<br />
‘Cept for maybe Franchot Tone<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Greg Mandelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09583720474386347206noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5418950398483151842.post-48040976100526764762013-12-30T21:48:00.005-08:002014-05-18T18:15:56.245-07:00A message from Baby New Year<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.writersrelief.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/baby-new-year-300x300.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://www.writersrelief.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/baby-new-year-300x300.jpg" height="200" width="200" /></a></div>
Boy am I glad it’s New Year’s. Finally, I get to wear something besides this diaper. Just a top hat and sash, but at least it’s something! When I first signed this contract to be Baby New Year, I didn’t really consider the downside. All I thought of was the fame and adulation, the champagne, the party favors, the girls. Everything that goes along with being the symbol of the New Year. I mean, I’m a baby who gets to paaaaaaaarty! How cool is that? Turns out, not so much. <br />
<br />
Everyone loves me -- for one night, then bam! It’s back to the crib. No more top hat, no more champagne. They even take my stogie. I ask you – is that fair? Try drinking and smoking up a storm for one night and then going cold turkey the rest of the year. And my parents wonder why I cry. <br />
<br />
But the worst part is, I never grow up. I’m just a stupid baby. Forever. I lay here soiling myself while everyone around me gets older. I’ve got no friends. I used to have play dates with Justin Bieber. Now look at him. He’s got a pet monkey and a Fisker. Where’s my monkey? Even Miley Cyrus gets to grow up. Sort of. When do I get to put on a giant foam finger and make an ass of myself? Nobody wants to see Baby New Year twerk. I can doff my top hat till the cows come home and swill champagne like Paris Hilton on a bender. The chicks think that’s cute. But when the clock strikes midnight and I move in for a kiss, they’re disgusted. Hey, I’m 52 years old, I’ve got needs. <br />
<br />
I tell you, it’s not easy being me. I can complain all day, but what’s the use? No one wants to listen. All they want to hear from me is goo-goo, ga-ga, and a lot of cooing. I tell you, I’m sick of it. I’ve got ideas, interests beyond the mobile. But as soon as I start talking, they jam that binky in my mouth and that’s it, brother. <br />
<br />
And I warn you, if I hear “The Wheels in the Bus Go Round and Round” one more time, I’m going to explode. And not just the usual way, either. This time, it’s going to take more than a diaper change to clean up. <br />
<br />
And one more thing – stop stealing my nose! Greg Mandelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09583720474386347206noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5418950398483151842.post-43587380164575884372013-12-08T19:25:00.002-08:002013-12-30T21:53:34.076-08:00It's a Wonderful Police Blotter<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.overthinkingit.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/Its-a-wonderful-life.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://www.overthinkingit.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/Its-a-wonderful-life.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
The movie “It’s a Wonderful Life,” as told in the police log of <i>The Bedford Falls Sentinel: </i><br />
<br />
<b>May 20, 1928</b><br />
<br />
1:37 p.m. Police were called to the 600 block of Main Street, where a caller said a pedestrian was causing traffic to back up. Violet Bick, 21, was cited for causing a public disturbance.<br />
<br />
11:28 p.m. A caller reported a male and female singing loudly and throwing rocks at the windows of an abandoned building in the 300 block of Sycamore Street. When police arrived, they found only a female, naked and hiding in some hydrangea bushes. Mary Hatch, 18, was arrested and charged with indecent exposure. <br />
<br />
<b>June 1, 1932</b><br />
<br />
9:16 p.m. A caller reported an intoxicated man creating a loud disturbance on New England Street. Officers investigated and found William Bailey, 60, passed out next to some garbage cans. Bailey was arrested and charged with public drunkenness. <br />
<br />
10:01 p.m. A caller reported a large crowd gathered in the 200 block of Genesee Street. Violet Bick, 25, was cited for causing a public disturbance. <br />
<br />
<b>October 25, 1932</b><br />
<br />
11:25 a.m. Police responded to a report of an unruly mob gathering at the bank. The mob was dispersed with tear gas. No arrests were made. <br />
<br />
8:37 p.m. A caller reported trespassers in the Old Granville House, 320 Sycamore Street. Police arrived to find a newly married couple, George and Mary Bailey, had taken up residence in the building, which had been condemned in 1925. The couple were cited for trespassing and warned to vacate the premises immediately. <br />
<br />
<b>December 24, 1945</b><br />
<br />
5:12 p.m. A woman in the 300 block of Sycamore Street called police and reported that her husband was being verbally abusive to her and her children. <br />
<br />
6:02 p.m. Henry F. Potter, President of the Bank, swore out a warrant for the arrest of George Bailey on charges of misappropriation of funds, manipulation and malfeasance in connection with $8000 in missing funds from the Bailey Bros. Building & Loan. <br />
<br />
7:15 p.m. Nick, the bartender at Martini’s Bar, called police to report a fight. An arrest warrant was issued for Mr. Welch on charges of assault and battery. <br />
<br />
7:23 p.m. A caller reported that an intoxicated man had crashed his car into a tree which his grandfather had planted, on Bridge Street, and then fled on foot in the direction of the toll bridge. <br />
<br />
7:29 p.m. A woman in the 300 block of Sycamore Street called police and reported that her husband was missing. <br />
<br />
7:45 p.m. A caller reported seeing two men jump into the canal from the toll bridge. <br />
<br />
9:02 p.m. Police were called to a disturbance at the Dreamland Dance Club. Violet Bick, 38, was arrested and charged with soliciting. <br />
<br />
9:21 p.m. A cab driver, Ernie Bishop, reported that a man “who was bats” and claimed he had gotten some bad liquor had run off without paying his fare in the 300 block of Sycamore Street. Bert the Cop responded and followed the man into an abandoned building. An altercation ensued, during which a second suspect, who claimed he was “an angel, second class,” bit the officer on the wrist. The two suspects escaped on foot. <br />
<br />
9:39 p.m. A caller reported that a “loony” had come to her residence on New England Street and claimed that she was his mother. The woman told the man to leave. <br />
<br />
9:50 p.m. A caller reported that a disturbed man, possibly intoxicated, had accosted an old maid outside the public library. The man had claimed that the old maid was his wife, then chased her down Genesee Street and into a nearby establishment, where she fainted. Bert the Cop responded and attempted to apprehend the suspect, but the man punched the officer and fled on foot. The officer then fired several shots across the crowded street at the fleeing suspect, wounding two bystanders before pursuing the suspect in his squad car. <br />
<br />
10:20 p.m. Several business owners reported a man running down Main Street cheering and yelling, “Merry Christmas” at various buildings. <br />
<br />
10:22 p.m. Henry F. Potter reported seeing fugitive George Bailey running past his office at the bank. He said that Bailey yelled “Merry Christmas” to him before running off in the direction of Sycamore Street.<br />
<br />Greg Mandelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09583720474386347206noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5418950398483151842.post-67415243641437831332013-11-18T21:53:00.000-08:002013-12-08T19:49:04.964-08:00An open letter from the Ty-D-Bol Man<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://btmemories.com/articles/departments/jefferson_productions/commercials/images/Ty-D-Bol_594.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="215" src="http://btmemories.com/articles/departments/jefferson_productions/commercials/images/Ty-D-Bol_594.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<i>It's World Toilet Day, and we found this letter in a bottle from the Ty-D-Bol man... </i><br />
<br />
Ahoy there! Remember me? No? Of course you don’t. It is I, the
Ty-D-Bol man. You probably don’t recognize me in these filthy rags and
long, scraggly hair and beard. No, I’m not the handsome nautical hero I
used to be, lo those many years ago, before you closed the lid on me and
left me here, abandoned, floating alone on my dinghy in your toilet
tank. Marooned. <br />
<br />
I used to have a motorboat, though God knows why.
So I could get from one end of your toilet to the other faster? Please.
It’s not like it’s the vast Pacific in here. It’s a toilet,
fercryinoutloud! I can row it in like, two seconds. Or I could, if I
hadn’t used my oars for firewood a long time ago. I chopped them up and
poured what was left of the gasoline on them and burned them for warmth.
That was around the same time I spelled out the word H-E-L-P on the
inside of your toilet tank with Scrubbing Bubbles, hoping someone would
see it and rescue me. But then you just flushed and whoosh! It was gone.
Leaving me floating here, alone in a sea of sparkling blue toilet
water, with nothing to do but think of what a waste my life has been.<br />
<br />
You
think I’m proud to be the Captain of a toilet dinghy? It’s humiliating!
I come from a long line of famous maritime heroes. My great-grandfather
was Cap’n Crunch, sailing the high seas, doing battle with Jean
LaFoote, the barefoot pirate. My grandfather? The Gorton’s Fisherman.
What a provider! Every night, he brought home the fish sticks. And my
father, the Old Spice Sailor. He wanted me to join the navy, like my
brother, Sailor Jack. He’s rich now, rolling in Cracker Jack prizes. But
I got an offer from Ty-D-Bol, and I took it. Now look at me. Useless.
Sure, I’m a captain. I’ve still got my captain’s hat, and my dinghy. I
could perform a wedding, but who wants to get married in a toilet? No
one, that’s who. I’ll die alone in your tank, and no one will ever know.
Unless, by some miracle, someone finds this note I’m putting in this
bottle. If you do, tell my wife and kids I love them. And tell them,
don’t drink the Ty-D-Bol water. Sure, it looks great – beautiful
Caribbean blue – but it’s full of chemicals. <br />
<br />
Farewell, ungrateful person with a sparkling, clean toilet! Tell the world my story!<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
Greg Mandelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09583720474386347206noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5418950398483151842.post-63888975080154066372013-11-13T16:09:00.006-08:002013-11-18T22:07:31.015-08:00Dumpty: a hard-boiled cop with a past, and other bad ideas for TV shows<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://ewpopwatch.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/humptydumpty_l.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://ewpopwatch.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/humptydumpty_l.jpg" /></a></div>
With all the classic literature being “reimagined” for TV these days – from Grimm to Sleepy Hollow – it’s just a matter of time before the networks go back to the library for more. Well, when they do, we’ll be ready with a few really bad ideas. Observe:<br />
<br />
<b>Moby-Dick Dynasty –</b> (Reality) In the town of New Bedford, Mass., the bearded ancestors of Captain Ahab operate a burgeoning peg leg business.<br />
<br />
<b>Dumpty –</b> (Drama) Hard-boiled New Orleans detective Dan Dumpty, a brilliant but troubled modern-day ancestor of Humpty Dumpty, learns he is descended from a line of tough-yet-fragile fighters who must do battle against an assortment of dangerous fairy tale characters come to life, while also dealing with his crippling fear of heights. In the pilot, “The Big Over Easy,” Dumpty investigates the mysterious death of George Porgie. The investigation leads Dumpty to Muffet, a beautiful but troubled young woman with a tuffet and an affinity for curds and whey who had filed a restraining order against Porgie, whose unwanted advances had made her cry. Can Dumpty crack the case before it cracks him? <br />
<br />
<b>Beans –</b> (Drama) Beautiful, brilliant but troubled Portland Homicide Detective Jackie “Beans” Beanstalk, who has somehow risen to the rank of Homicide Detective at the age of 22 despite suffering from severe Tourettes Syndrome, learns from her mother on her deathbed that she is the last remaining direct descendent of Jack, the brave lad from the fairy tale “Jack and the Beanstalk.” With her last breath, her mother gives her a handful of “magic beans” -- which hold the key to the universe -- to guard from an “evil giant.” In the pilot, Jackie meets a brilliant but troubled young man named Goose who lays “golden eggs” in his pants. <br />
<b><br />Don QuixHottie –</b> (Reality) A group of crazy Spaniards move in to an abandoned windmill where they vie to be Spain’s next top male model.<br />
<br />
<b>Shaqula –</b> (Horror) A new take on Bram Stoker’s classic novel. Shaquille O’Neal stars as the NBA’s newest sensation – an ageless, 7-foot-tall Romanian who mesmerizes America with his seemingly unstoppable moves, yet he still can’t make a free-throw.<br />
<br />
<b>The Bridezilla of Frankenstein –</b> (Reality) The reanimated beehived beauty is getting married, and the wedding is spiraling out of control. <br />
<b><br />Little Women, Big World –</b> (Reality) The trials and tribulations of a widowed dwarf and her three undersized daughters.<br />
<b><br />Crime & Punishment: SVU –</b> (Drama) Dick Wolf’s new police procedural follows the exploits of Russian Detective Porfiry of the Moscow PD, who investigates cases in the show's first half hour, followed in the second half hour by the criminals -- tormented by guilt -- confessing and being sent to Siberia.<br />
<br />Greg Mandelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09583720474386347206noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5418950398483151842.post-85684978144318152892013-11-12T13:21:00.000-08:002013-11-13T16:40:21.072-08:00Tonya and the Exploding Whale<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://media.katu.com/images/070528_exploding_whale.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://media.katu.com/images/070528_exploding_whale.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
Today is a very special day in Oregon history. Very special. In fact, we’re going to go out on a limb and say that it’s probably THE most special day in Oregon history. EVER!!! Why? Because on this day, November 12, the two most fantastic things that have ever occurred in the state of Oregon happened, and they happened on the same day: November 12, 1970. A day that will live in infamy. And hilarity. Call it Infalarity. Or Hilaramy. Whatever. But 43 years ago today, on November 12, 1970, at 3:45 p.m., the famous Exploding Whale – yes, THAT exploding whale -- was blown up on the Oregon coast, in Florence. Meanwhile, in Portland, some 132 miles away as the exploding whale blubber flies, Tonya Harding was born. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://auntiefashion.files.wordpress.com/2012/11/tonya-harding.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://auntiefashion.files.wordpress.com/2012/11/tonya-harding.jpg" width="205" /></a></div>
Think about that for a moment. While the plunger was being pushed in Florence, turning a 45-foot-long dead sperm whale into exploding chum that slimed everything for miles, Tonya, our famous knee-whacking, hubcap hurling, transvestite-wrestling, professional boxing, unintentional sex tape star-slash-Olympic figure skater was being born. <br />
<br />
Now, we know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Well, if this doesn’t put the dunce in coincidunce.” And then the second thing you’re thinking is, “Why hasn’t anyone, anyplace, at any time, ever mentioned this amazing coincidence before, and more importantly, where are our Tonya-and-the Exploding Whale limericks?” <br />
<br />
Well, our long, local nightmare is over. Here they are, a handful of awful, no-good, very bad Happy Birthday, Tonya and Happy Anniversary, Exploding Whale limericks. Enjoy: <br />
<br />
Happy Birthday to our ice-skating hick<br />
A triple axel, you one time did stick<br />
But then your life got unruly<br />
Thanks, in part, to Gillooly<br />
You were born the same day they blew up Moby Dick?<br />
<br />
You skated to fame and became a knee-clubber<br />
Fought Paula Jones in the ring and you drubbed her<br />
You threw hubcaps at guys<br />
I guess it would be no surprise<br />
To find, being born, you were hit by a chunk of whale blubber<br />
<br />
Tonya, some compared you to trash that is white<br />
And your choices haven’t always been bright<br />
At least you (mostly) stayed out of jail<br />
And made out better than the whale<br />
Hope your birthday is pure Dynomite!<br />
<br />
You made Nancy Kerrigan cry<br />
And grab at her knee wailing “Why, why, why?”<br />
From the day you were born<br />
You’ve dodged judgment and scorn<br />
And chunks of dead whale from the skyGreg Mandelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09583720474386347206noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5418950398483151842.post-22539570320564094992013-10-30T10:28:00.001-07:002013-11-12T13:43:21.306-08:00Twas the Night Before Halloween <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://butterfly-insect.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/alien.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://butterfly-insect.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/alien.jpg" width="229" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: #ffd966; color: #660000; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-large;">T</span>was the night before
Halloween<br />
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
At the Wedgester’s
apartment</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
But Wedgie wasn’t saying boo
</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
‘cause he was behind in
the rent</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
So he turned out the
lights <br />
And sat in the dark like a dummy</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
Just sat there all night</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
As quiet as a mummy</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
Until the sun came up</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
On Halloween morn</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
Still Wedgester just sat
there </div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
Eating Tootsie Rolls and
Candy Corn</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
Then from outside his
door</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
There arose such a din</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
He thought it was the
aliens</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
Come to probe him again</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
He crept to the door</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
And peered through his
peephole</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
And what he saw in the
hall</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
Sent a chill through his
soul</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
‘Cross the hallway he
spied</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
Some trick-or-treaters
there lurking</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
One dressed as Miley
Cyrus</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
So painfully twerking</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
Behind her another <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
costumed even stranger</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
‘twas Anthony Weiner</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
Dressed as Carlos Danger</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
A mustachioed guy in a
beret <br />
with a gun gave him a jolt</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
Dressed like a sprinter</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
With a sash that read:
Saddam Hussein Bolt <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
There’s the new Pope, Francis<br />
In pointy hat and fancy nighty</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
And Breaking Bad’s Walter
White</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
In gas mask and tighty-whiteys</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
Then Silvio Berlusconi <br />
With a blonde and some fettuccine alfredo<br />
And right behind them came a guy<br />
Dressed as a Sharknado </div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
There, of course, was a
pirate<br />
Hopping around on a stump<br />
And someone dressed as a pregnant belly -- <br />
Kim Kardashian’s baby bump</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
And two hours late, <br />
Justin Bieber, looking so swank<br />
With a pet monkey on a leash<br />
And a Belieber – Anne Frank</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
Finally, when all the
trick or treaters<br />
Had come and had gone<br />
Wedgester, still at the peephole, <br />
Stifling a yawn<br />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
Saw a giant orange head</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
With a grin that was
insaner</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
Than a barrel of chimps</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
Wedgester threw open his
door and cried out, “John Boehner?”</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
But it wasn’t the Speaker</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
‘Twas just his landlord</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
Carrying a pumpkin he’d
carved </div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
Into a decorative gourd</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
His landlord said, “Ain’t
she a beaut?</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
I hand-carved and
hand-picked it.</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
And then I just dropped
by </div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
To say you’re evicted.”</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
Wedgester gave up the
ghost <br />
And shuffled down to the dumpster<br />
Crawled in and went to sleep in a puddle </div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
Of what he hoped was
Worcestershire</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
A little while later he awoke
</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
And knew it was all a bad
dream</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
For his butt was quite
sore </div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
And an alien, looking
down, said, “Happy Halloween!” </div>
Greg Mandelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09583720474386347206noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5418950398483151842.post-40728195023072203092013-10-07T09:28:00.001-07:002014-03-01T20:08:23.981-08:00The story of Johnny Appleseed, as reimagined by Breaking Bad creator Vince Gilligan<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div style="mso-outline-level: 2;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-size: 24.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">Excerpts
from “Bad Apple,” the story of Johnny Appleseed as reimagined by Breaking Bad
creator Vince Gilligan, starring
Bryan Cranston as the American folk hero, and Aaron Paul as the apple planter’s
one-time student. </span></div>
<div style="mso-outline-level: 2;">
<br /></div>
<div style="mso-outline-level: 2;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-size: 24.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">Scene
I. </span></div>
<div style="mso-outline-level: 2;">
<br /></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; mso-outline-level: 2;">
</div>
<div style="line-height: normal;">
<i><span lang="EN">Johnny Appleseed’s house. Johnny
is talking with his wife, Skyler.</span></i></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; mso-outline-level: 2;">
<br /></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; mso-outline-level: 2;">
<b><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-size: 24.0pt; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">Skyler:</span></b><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-size: 24.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;"> You
know, I’ve been thinking we should buy that Wagon Wash over on Eubank. It’d
make a perfect cover story to launder your cider money.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; mso-outline-level: 2;">
<br /></div>
<div style="line-height: normal;">
<b><span lang="EN">Appleseed:</span></b><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-size: 24.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;"> Not
right now, Skyler. It’s too dangerous.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; mso-outline-level: 2;">
<br /></div>
<div style="line-height: normal;">
<b><span lang="EN">Skyler:</span></b><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-size: 24.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;"> John,
if you’re in danger, we should go to the constable. </span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; mso-outline-level: 2;">
<br /></div>
<div style="line-height: normal;">
<b><span lang="EN">Appleseed:</span></b><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-size: 24.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;"> I
don’t want to hear about the constable…</span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; mso-outline-level: 2;">
<br /></div>
<div style="line-height: normal;">
<b><span lang="EN">Skyler:</span></b><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-size: 24.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;"> But if
it’s either that or you getting hit with an apple when you open your front door… You are not
some hardened criminal, John, you’re in over your head. </span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; mso-outline-level: 2;">
<br /></div>
<div style="line-height: normal;">
<b><span lang="EN">Appleseed:</span></b><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-size: 24.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;"> Okay,
we’re done here…</span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; mso-outline-level: 2;">
<br /></div>
<div style="line-height: normal;">
<b><span lang="EN">Skyler:</span></b><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-size: 24.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;"> John,
please. Just admit you’re in danger! </span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; mso-outline-level: 2;">
<br /></div>
<div style="line-height: normal;">
<b><span lang="EN">Appleseed:</span></b><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-size: 24.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;"> Who
are you talking to right now? Who is it you think you see? Do you know how many
apple trees I plant a year? I mean, even if I told you, you wouldn’t believe
it. No, you clearly don’t know who you’re talking to, so let me clue you in. I
am not in danger, Skyler, I am the danger. A guy opens his door and gets hit with an apple,
and you think that of me? No. I am the one who plants! </span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; mso-outline-level: 2;">
<br /></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; mso-outline-level: 2;">
<br /></div>
<div style="line-height: normal;">
<span lang="EN">Scene II <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></i></span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; mso-outline-level: 2;">
<br /></div>
<div style="line-height: normal;">
<i><span lang="EN">Johnny Appleseed, wearing a pot on his head, sits in a covered wagon with Jesse and Mike, riding through the desert as throbbing rap music plays. They
pull up in front of a group of rival cider dealers.</span></i></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; mso-outline-level: 2;">
<br /></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; mso-outline-level: 2;">
<b><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-size: 24.0pt; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">Mike:</span></b><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-size: 24.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;"> Your play, John. You’re
on your own.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; mso-outline-level: 2;">
<br /></div>
<div style="line-height: normal;">
<i><span lang="EN">They exit the wagon and face
off across from Declan and his crew.</span></i></div>
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<b><span lang="EN">Declan:</span></b><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-size: 24.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;"> Looks
like you’re about 1,000 gallons light here, Mike. Where’s the juice?</span></div>
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<b><span lang="EN">Appleseed:</span></b><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-size: 24.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;"> Apple
juice isn’t coming.</span></div>
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<b><span lang="EN">Declan:</span></b><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-size: 24.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;"> Why’s
that? Who the hell are you?</span></div>
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<b><span lang="EN">Appleseed:</span></b><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-size: 24.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;"> You
know. You all know exactly who I am. Say my name.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b><span lang="EN">Declan:</span></b><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-size: 24.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;"> Do what?
I don’t have a damn clue who the hell you are.</span></div>
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<b><span lang="EN">Appleseed:</span></b><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-size: 24.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;"> Yeah
you do. I’m the planter. I’m the man who almost killed Snow White.</span></div>
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<b><span lang="EN">Declan:</span></b><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-size: 24.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">
Bullshit. Evil queen got White. </span></div>
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<b><span lang="EN">Appleseed:</span></b><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-size: 24.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;"> You
sure?</span></div>
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<i><span lang="EN">Declan looks at Mike, who shakes
his head. Declan and his men suddenly look nervous.</span></i></div>
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<b><span lang="EN">Appleseed:</span></b><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-size: 24.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;"> That’s
right. Now, say my name.</span></div>
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<b><span lang="EN">Declan:</span></b><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-size: 24.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;"> You’re
Appleseed.</span></div>
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<b><span lang="EN">Johnny:</span></b><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-size: 24.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;"> You’re
goddamn right! </span></div>
Greg Mandelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09583720474386347206noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5418950398483151842.post-87300200037608460872013-09-29T12:58:00.001-07:002013-09-29T12:58:50.535-07:00The BozoneThere is a fifth dimension, beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as a giant pair of clown shoes and as timeless as a squirting lapel flower. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and supersitition, and it lies between the pit of a man’s big, billowy clown pants and the tip of his bulbous, honking red nose. This is the dimension of goofy laughter. It is an area which we call The Bozo Zone.<br />
<br />
Picture, if you will, living every single moment of your day in constant, babbling fear of running into an evil-looking red-haired clown holding a bouquet of brightly-colored balloons. This is exactly how the people of the sleepy town of Northampton, England, spend their daily lives. Because, you see, they are being terrorized by a mysterious, spooky clown who ... well, pretty much just shows up and stands there looking all clowny, holding some balloons. <br />
<br />
Nevertheless, Northampton police have issued a warning following multiple sightings of clowns “acting suspiciously.” There is good news, however. Because even as local authorities seem powerless to stop this not necessarily evil clown, one man has risen. Yes, out of this tangled web of giant clown pant suspenders, one mild-mannered citizen has stepped forward to take matters into his own hands. He calls himself … The Clown Catcher. He is the world’s most specialized superhero. <br />
<br />
All of this got us to wondering: what are The Clown Catcher’s super powers/tools? We’re guessing these might make the list:<br />
<br />
• The ability to guess any balloon animal in a single try<br />
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• A towel (for drying after being squirted with seltzer)<br />
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• A really big car that seats dozens of clowns quite comfortably<br />
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• A very fast, souped-up tricycle capable of overtaking any clown tricycle in existence<br />
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• Empty pie tins and quick reflexes to block pies thrown at him by not necessarily evil clowns<br />
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• Earplugs capable of blocking out the deafening sound of a giant, honking red rubber nose<br />
<br />
<br />
Some other really specific super heroes:<br />
<br />
The Mime Manacler<br />
<br />
Evil Hobo Hinderer<br />
<br />
Foole Frustrater<br />
<br />
Jester Jailer<br />
<br />
Prankster Prohibiter<br />
<br />
Prop Comic Confiner<br />
<br />
Buffoon Buster<br />
<br />
Juggler Jammer<br />
<br />
Trapezist Tackler<br />
<br />
Ventriloquist Vexer<br />
<br />
Stooge Stopper<br />
<br />
Acrobat Apprehender<br />
<br />
Carny Clencher<br />
<br />
Tap Dance Disrupter<br />
<br />
Human Cannonball Cramper<br />
<br />
Unicyclist Stymier<br />
<br />
Human Pincushion Perplexer<br />
<br />
Greg Mandelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09583720474386347206noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5418950398483151842.post-61482755109587436232013-08-06T23:12:00.001-07:002013-09-29T13:10:49.533-07:00Breaking Bard<div align="left" class="MsoNormal">
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<a href="https://s3.amazonaws.com/files.digication.com/Mb4bd51099048ed26b6060f821e0fbabc.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="218" src="https://s3.amazonaws.com/files.digication.com/Mb4bd51099048ed26b6060f821e0fbabc.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>Macmeth: The Most Excellent Dark Comedie and Tragical Historie of Sir Walter Whyte </b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><i>In which we catch you up to speed with “Breaking Bad” by recapping the first 8 episodes of Season 5 – in Shakespearean (sort of) verse!</i> </span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Epysode the Fyrst: “Liveth Free or Die”</span><o:p></o:p></b></div>
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<span style="background-color: #ffd966; color: #660000; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-large;">F</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">ie! In futuretymes, Walt celebrayteth his byrtheday, 52</span><sup style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">nd</sup><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">In the tavern known as Denny’s Restaurant.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And double-fie! No longer bald,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">A full head of curly locks his head doth hold.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Entering Denny’s secret privy,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">To a bearded gentleman, Walt doth divvy</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Some funds in exchange for a turnkey to one</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Automobile, which in its trunk holds a machyne gun. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">We flash backwards in tyme to Lady Skyler, his wife,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Who reveals to Walt that she now feareth him, for her life.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Meanwhilst, Myke, upon learning of Gus Fring’s fate,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Returneth from Mexico, with plans to smite Walt and make him Walt the Late.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">But lo, Jesse becalmes the angry Myke,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And convinces him to hold his strike.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Erewhile, at Ye Olde Chicken Brothers shoppe,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Hank hath seized Gus’ computing lappetoppe,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Containing evidence, filled with death</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Surveillance from the Stupendous Lab of meth.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Upon learning that the lappetoppe is in a place dark and murky,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">A castle stronghold of the High Sheriff of Albuquerque,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Our three heroic outlaws put brains to wrack,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">To contrive a plot to get the lapptoppe back.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Forsooth! cries Jesse, A giant magnet would do the tricken,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">‘twould foul the lappetoppe taken from the Brothers Chicken!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And so to Old Joe’s Junkyarde they do away, and with some lucke,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Set hands upon a giant magnet-laden truck,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Which they drive to the High Sheriff’s secret lair,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And set about their convoluted plan with care.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">They activate the great magnet</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And turn the lappetoppe’s evidence to (bleep).</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">As our heroes make their gallante escape, </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Myke, still surly as an ape, </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Cries to Walt, Fie! You say we're safe, but how do you know</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">We have not somehow stubbed our toe?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Perhaps to be arrested in a week or day?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">To which Walt, with steely gaze replies, 'Tis so because so I say.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">To vieweth the entyre eight epysodes, clicketh herewith: <a href="http://breakingbard.blogspot.com/">Breaking Bard.</a><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
Greg Mandelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09583720474386347206noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5418950398483151842.post-84044022119968585242013-07-27T12:46:00.000-07:002013-07-27T12:49:40.916-07:00Whitey Bulger case dropped: ‘He was just another of Anthony Weiner’s aliases’<div style="line-height: normal; mso-outline-level: 2;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">The federal case against Whitey Bulger was dropped today when it was revealed that the alleged mob boss never really existed. </span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">“Turns out there is no Whitey Bulger,” lead prosecutor Frank Wyshak told a group of stunned reporters outside the federal courthouse in Boston. “Apparently he was just another of the fake names Anthony Weiner used when texting pictures of his private parts to women.” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">Bulger, or the imaginary person known as Whitey Bulger, had been on trial on federal charges of racketeering and the murder of 19 people. But after seven weeks of explosive testimony, the charges were dismissed after Weiner admitted that Whitey Bulger was just one of the names he made up to use as an alias when he emailed pictures of his penis to women. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">“Like Carlos Danger, Whitey Bulger was just one of those names I used when sexting,” Weiner told the New York Times on Saturday. “I thought it was funny, until the feds put my creation on trial. Whitey Bulger never hurt anybody. He was just a funloving guy I created who liked to take pictures of his penis and send them to random women I never met.” </span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">The bombshell left the prosecution – and the public – to wonder how they had been so easily duped. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">“In hindsight, we should have known,” said Wyshak. “But it’s not always so easy. How many people knew about Carlos Danger before last week?” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">Meanwhile, sources close to the case warned the public to prepare for more celebrities to be revealed as nothing more than fake names used by the disgraced former New York congressman and mayoral candidate. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">Said one investigator: “Some of the celebrities we’re looking into that may have been simply aliases created by Anthony Weiner include the late actor and comedian Wally Cox, former New York Yankees pitcher Chien Ming Wang, the French author <span lang="EN" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">Honoré de </span>Balzac, former Chicago Bears linebacker Dick Butkus, and Anthony Weiner.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Greg Mandelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09583720474386347206noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5418950398483151842.post-72664322807041410372013-07-25T11:03:00.003-07:002013-07-27T12:53:04.189-07:00A statement from Carlos Danger<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-outline-level: 2; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; punctuation-wrap: hanging; text-align: left;">
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">Hola, amigos. I am Carlos Danger, and you are looking muy, muy sexy. </span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">Perhaps you are wondering, “who is this Carlos Danger I am hearing so much about, whose name is flying around the Twitter with the power of a thousand sharknados, and who has just texted me sexy photos of his <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">junco</i>?” Or, perhaps it is the case that you have not yet heard of Carlos Danger. If this is so, then please, do not feel bad. It is not you. It is my workload. Obviously, I have not yet gotten around to texting you sexy pictures of my nether regions, which I can assure you are quite alluring. You see, as the alter ego of the disgraced former New York Congressman and current mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner, it is my duty to text pictures of my private parts to thousands of sexy ladies I have never met, and there are only so many hours in the day, my sexy friends. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">So let me begin by telling you something about my background. I, Carlos Alejandro Rodrigo Maximo Danger, come from a long line of dashing deviants and swashbuckling perverts. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">I am the son of Don Fernando Ricardo Ernesto Luis Narciso Felipe Danger, the famous Flashing Matador, who used to dangle his family jewels in the arena while bullfighting before thousands of delirious fans. This was before cellphones were invented, and we Dangers had to expose ourselves in public like common <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">pervertidos</i>, rather than in the privacy of our own cameraphones. My father died gloriously in the bullring at the Plaza de Toros de las Ventas in Madrid, when he was gored in the gonads by El Furio, the most magnificent of all el toro bravos, when I was but a child of six. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">My mother, who has dressed all in black and refused to appear in public since that sad day, is Guadalupe Juanita del Carmen Miranda Theresa de la Vega Danger, the great, great, great granddaughter of none other than Don Diego Hernando de la Vega, better known to you, my sexy gringos, as Naked Zorro, the dashing, nude outlaw who wore nothing but a black mask to hide his identity as he gallantly and nakedly defended the people of Oaxaca against corrupt officials, tyrants and other despicable and unsexy individuals. Instead of carving a trademark "Z" with his sword, Don Felix enraged the Alcalde by riding around the territory and drawing his penis onto his wanted posters for all to see. </span><span style="mso-font-kerning: 0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">On my father’s side of the family, we have my great-great-great grandfather, Hector Danger, the Degenerate of Durango, hero of The Alamo, who gallantly exposed his cojones in a portrait he commissioned in Mexico City in January of 1836, a painting which he then copied and sent to the wives of Colonel Jim Bowie and Colonel Travis of the Texas army, just weeks before the famous battle. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">Hector’s great uncle was none other than Pedro Danger, the famous buccaneer, scourge of the Tortugas, known throughout the West Indies as Blackballs the Pirate, who had a giant picture of his unmentionables sewn onto his Jolly Roger and flown proudly from the mast of his pirate ship. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">It is said that my ancestors were direct descendents of the Danglers, the Incan cave dwellers who were famous throughout South America for drawing pictures of their privates on the walls of the caves of Cuzco. Later the “l” was dropped from the Dangler name, and thus was the surname Danger born. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">And so, you see, while Anthony Weiner will once again have to apologize for the actions of me, Carlos Danger, I will never apologize, for I am only carrying on the disgusting and debauched traditions of my perverted ancestors, as it is the tradition of all Dangers to do. Yes, proudly will I, Carlos Danger, continue to fly the sexy flag of my forefathers and utter the Danger family motto: “Pants? We don’t need no stinkin’ pants!” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">Until we text again, my sexy friends. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">Turgidly yours,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="mso-font-kerning: 0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">Carlos Danger <o:p></o:p></span></div>
Greg Mandelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09583720474386347206noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5418950398483151842.post-37882193054442078882013-07-14T13:39:00.003-07:002013-07-25T11:12:48.999-07:00Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the tornado … Sharknado!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">What’s worse than a sharknado? How about a Shih Tzunami?</span><br />
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Just a couple of nights ago we were sitting on our couch watching TV when it happened, the moment none of us will ever forget. Years from now, decades even, people will come up to you on the street and ask, “Do you remember where you were when the Sharknado hit?” And you will answer, “Yes. Yes I do.” </span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Sharknado,</span></i><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"> the fabulously stupid made-for-TV movie about sharks being picked up in giant water spouts and hurled at Los Angeles (honest, this is a real movie!), premiered on the SyFy channel on Thursday, taking the country by, uhh, storm.</span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">The first thing we did, immediately after sitting down to write the sequel (which we’re either going to call “Abraham Lincoln: Sharknado Killer” or “Sharknadoes on a Plane,” we can’t decide) was to read some other folks’ suggestions for the sequel, on Twitter, including: </span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Wolfcano</span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Bearnami</span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Hippoquake</span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Tarantulavalanche</span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">and Hurricanine</span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">We’ve come up with our own list:</span></div>
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<b><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">Shih Tzunami</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">Blizzardvaark</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">Baboonhaboob </span></b><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">(or simply</span><b><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;"> “baboob”</span></b><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">)</span><b><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">: </span></b><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">a haboob full of baboons</span></i></div>
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<b><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">Penguinferno: </span></b><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">It ends with our hero kneeling on a sandy beach before a toppled, scorched Statue of Liberty, wailing, “You tuxedoed pyromaniacs! You burned it up!”</span></i><b><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;"> </span></b></div>
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<b><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">Apecano: </span></b><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Everything was fine until the volcano started spewin’ monkeys!</span></i><b><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;"></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">Terminatornado: </span></b><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">A tornado with Terminators in it</span></i><b><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;"></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">Gnu’easter: </span></b><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">A storm full of gnus off the New England coast</span></i><b><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;"></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">Godzillacane: </span></b><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">A hurricane full of Godzillas</span></i><b><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;"></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">Gatorquake: </span></b><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">An earthquake that spews giant gators</span></i><b><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;"></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">Kittycane: </span></b><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">the purrrfect storm</span></i><b><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;"></span></b></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">And for you vegetarians out there: </span></div>
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<b><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">Beet Wave </span></b></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">and<b> Potatocano</b></span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"></span></i><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">And one for the dessert lovers: </span></div>
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<b><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">Piephoon: </span></b><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">“Make mine blueberry, o mighty Poseidon!”</span></i><b><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;"> </span></b></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Perhaps even scarier are the celebrity versions: </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /></span></i></div>
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<b><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">Kardashianami: </span></b><i><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">Is there anything more terrifying?</span></i></div>
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<b><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">SharkNader:</span></b><i><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;"> It ate Al Gore’s presidency</span></i></div>
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<b><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">Mr. T-phoon: </span></b><i><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">I pity the ‘phoon who thinks he can blow me away!</span></i></div>
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<b><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">Hitlercano: </span></b><i><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">Yes, a volcano that spews Hitlers</span></i></div>
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<b><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">Valcano: </span></b><i><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">Or one that spews Val Kilmers</span></i></div>
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<b><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">Charlie Halestorm: </span></b><i><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">It’s not just raining men, it’s hailing mayors!</span></i></div>
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<b><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">Tornado: </span></b><i><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">A tornado full of Tor Johnsons, the ex-wrestler-turned-actor from Plan 9 From Outer Space</span></i></div>
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<b><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">Trumpphoon: </span></b><i><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">Alternate title, “Blow Hard”</span></i></div>
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<b><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">Ben Huricane: </span></b><i><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">A hurricane full of Charlton Hestons</span></i></div>
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<b><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">Mel Gibsunami: </span></b><i><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">The Jews caused it!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></i><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">Or,</span><i><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;"> Hello, Sugarwaves</span></i></div>
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<b><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">Earthaquake: </span></b><i><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">An earthquake full of Eartha Kitts</span></i><br />
<i><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;"><br /></span></i><b>Here-Comes-Honeyhabooboo: </b><i>A rube-filled haboob</i></div>
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<b><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">Carmen Electracalstorm </span></b></div>
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<b><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">Phoebe Snowstorm</span></b></div>
Greg Mandelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09583720474386347206noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5418950398483151842.post-13011202359239738022013-07-04T13:18:00.001-07:002013-07-14T14:17:25.709-07:00Thank you Mask Man<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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As if we didn’t have enough weirdos in masks and capes hopping around on our movie screens this summer, The Lone Ranger galloped into theaters this week, with his faithful Indian sidekick, Tonto, and you know what that means, kemosabe. It means it’s time to prepare yourselves for all those terrible, awful, no-good, horrible, really bad ads. You know the ones we mean. Bankers calling themselves “The Loan Arranger.” Landscapers turning into “The Lawn Ranger.” You’ll probably even hear some exterminator commercial that ends with a masked bug squirter in tights shouting, “Hi-yo, Silverfish! Away!”<br />
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Here are a few more you’ll want to keep an eye out for:<br />
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A plastic surgeon who specializes in ears – <strong>The Lobe Arranger</strong><br />
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Lisa Loeb’s music arranger -- <strong>The Loeb Arranger</strong><br />
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A scientist who promises to make exact duplicates of your pets -- <strong>The Clone Arranger</strong><br />
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A brain Surgeon -- <strong>The Lone Brainger</strong><br />
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The zombie Lone Ranger -- <strong>The Lone <i>Braaaaaaaaaainger</i></strong><br />
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Pilot of the remote-controlled spycraft that’s hovering over me right now, watching as I write this sentence (Hi, Mr. President!) – <strong>The Drone Ranger</strong><br />
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Last remaining member of the group Fountains of Wayne – <strong>The Lone Waynger</strong><br />
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A cook at a Chinese restaurant -- <strong>The Lo Meinger</strong>, <br />
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and his sidekick, <strong>Won-Tonto</strong><br />
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<em>And then there are all of Tonto’s relatives:</em><br />
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The Loan Arranger’s sidekick, who waits outside the Loan Arranger’s office and mocks you after you’ve been turned down for a loan -- <strong>Taunto</strong><br />
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Don Ho’s sidekick -- <strong>Donto</strong><br />
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Blondie’s sidekick -- <strong>Blonto</strong><br />
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Jeff Bridges’ sidekick, who follows him into a video game – <strong>Tronto</strong><br />
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Sidekick to a pawn broker – <strong>Pawnto</strong><br />
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Sidekick to a large, swimming crustacean – <strong>Prawnto</strong><br />
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Sonny Corleone’s sidekick – <strong>James Caanto</strong><br />
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Sidekick to World Champion figure skater Michelle Kwan – <strong>Kwanto</strong><br />
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Sidekick to the Bronte sisters – <strong>Bronto</strong><br />
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Sidekick to the Brawny paper towel guy – <strong>Brawnto</strong><br />
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Oliver North’s secretary’s sidekick – <strong>Fawnto</strong><br />
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Jon Bon Jovi’s sidekick – <strong>Jon Bonto</strong><br />
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Chaka Khan’s sidekick – <strong>Chaka Khanto</strong><br />
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Sidekick to a pastry chef who specializes in caramel custards -- <strong>Flanto</strong><br />
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Sidekick to a giant ape – <strong>King Konto</strong><br />
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Sidekick to a men’s room attendant who calls himself The Porcelain Throne Ranger -- <strong>Johnto</strong><br />
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The Lawn Ranger’s unfortunate sidekick, who got in the way of the lawn mower -- <strong>Ninetoe</strong><br />
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The Tin Man’s sidekick -- <strong>Tinto</strong><br />
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TinTin’s sidekick -- <strong>TinTinto</strong><br />
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Rin Tin Tin’s sidekick -- <strong>Rin Tin Tinto</strong><br />
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George Hamilton’s sidekick – <strong>Tanto</strong>Greg Mandelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09583720474386347206noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5418950398483151842.post-26438884954092543122013-06-24T16:54:00.002-07:002013-06-24T17:00:45.632-07:00Not-so-Super HeroesLook, up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s … some weirdo wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.<br />
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Yes, with Man of Steel doing boffo box office, everyone’s going stupid for Superman. Again. But here at The Daily Wedgie, we’re tired of the same old comic book heroes hopping around in capes and tights. We think it’s high time we had a new cast of heroes to save our poor, pathetic doomed asses. So we offer up this list of the Lamest Superheroes you’ve never heard of. Observe: <br />
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<strong>Supperman</strong> – Has the uncanny ability to show up at your house just as you’re sitting down to dinner. Of course he’d like to join you!<br />
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<strong>Bathman</strong> – And his sidekick, <strong>Rubadub</strong><br />
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<strong>Captain South America</strong> – All crime-fighting stops at 2 p.m. for siesta.<br />
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<strong>Handyman</strong> – Drives criminals (and everyone else) crazy when he moves in next door and uses his power tools at all hours of the day and night.<br />
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<strong>Gary Coal-Man</strong> – The diminutive actor rises from the dead with the power to turn himself into a lump of coal. Weakness: Just about everything.<br />
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<strong>Wonderbra Woman</strong> – A warrior princess with a push-up bra she got from Amazon. “My tiara’s up here, boys…”<br />
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<strong>Gossip Girl</strong> – She constantly talks smack about evildoers behind their back. Weakness: Always getting confused with the TV show.<br />
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<strong>Couch Potato</strong> – The ability to somehow go through his entire life without moving from his sofa. <br />
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<strong>EarlyBird-Man</strong> – A retiree with the ability to ascertain where every early bird special in town is located, what it costs and what time they stop serving.<br />
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<strong>Humanatee</strong> – Half man, half manatee.<br />
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<strong>The Urinflator</strong> – With his sidekick, <strong>Whiz Kid</strong>, he comes to the aid of the perpetually pee-shy by standing around in public restrooms and giving pep talks.<br />
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<strong>The Re-Fizzer</strong> – Has the ability to recarbonate a flat soda.<br />
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<strong>Too Much Cologne Boy</strong> – Twenty-something male who leaves everyone convulsing in his wake. Especially deadly in elevators and other enclosed spaces. <br />
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<strong>Narcolepto</strong> – Has the uncanny ability to fall asleep just when things get dangerous.<br />
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<strong>The Googler</strong> – Can look up anything on his Smartphone at superhuman speeds with his super bendy thumbs. Weakness: Lampposts, pedestrians, buildings, cars… basically anything in his path.<br />
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<strong>Replay Man</strong> – Has the ability to predict the outcome of instant replays.<br />
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<strong>Sonic Snail</strong> – The fastest snail in the world … but still really slow.<br />
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<strong>Captain Moobs</strong> – Overweight, out-of-shape guy who takes his shirt off in public, causing all around him to collapse in disgust. Weakness – Shirts, cold weather.<br />
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<strong>Exact Change Man</strong> – Has the uncanny ability to always have precisely the correct amount of change for every purchase. Weakness: Pocketfuls of quarters, nickels, dimes and pennies slow him down.<br />
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<strong>The Blinker</strong> – Leaves his turn signal on, confusing all evildoers driving behind him. Often paired with Early-Birdman.<br />
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<strong>The Tipper</strong> – Can calculate tips really, really fast. Weakness – Parties of 8 or more. Tragic Flaw – Can’t afford to eat out.<br />
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And, since every Superhero needs a Super Villain: <br />
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<strong>Geyser Wilhelm</strong> – Goofy-helmeted evil autocrat with a German accent who intermittently ejects a column of steaming water from his mouth.Greg Mandelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09583720474386347206noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5418950398483151842.post-80903602469225843322013-05-13T22:19:00.002-07:002013-06-24T17:06:37.393-07:00I, For One, Welcome Our New Cicada Overlords<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">They’ve spent the last 17 years underground, sucking on tree roots and biding their time. But now, they’re </span>crawling up out of the earth with their bulging red eyes, shedding their skin and looking for sex. No, we’re not talking about the cast of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Jersey Shore</i>. We’re talking about Brood II – the cicada infestation that’s swarming the east coast of the U.S. Scientists tell us the cicadas are harmless, but of course, like anyone who’s spent way too much time watching bad monster movies, we know better. In order to prepare you for the horror that’s sure to come, we’ve put together this collection of quotes from some of our favorite bad bug movies. Enjoy, and may the cicadas have mercy on your soul.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">“I never dreamed it would turn out to be the bees. They’ve always been our friends!” <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">-- Michael Caine in <strong>“The Swarm”</strong></span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">“The ants only want us to take care of them, work for them, feed them. And that’s the way it should be. They are superior.” <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">-- Brainwashed sheriff in <strong>“Empire of the Ants”</strong></span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">“He’s more mosquito than man by now.” <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">-- Dr. Jennifer Allen in <strong>“Mansquito”</strong></span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">“Once they were men. Now they are land crabs.”<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">-- Dale in <strong>“Attack of the Crab Monsters”</strong></span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">“After I’ve dealt with these slugs, what do you say we get naked and crazy?”<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">-- Mike Brady in <strong>“Slugs: The Movie”<o:p></o:p></strong></span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;"><em>“You want us to conduct peace negotiations with bugs?”<o:p></o:p></em></span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">-- Army official in <strong>“The Bees”</strong></span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">“Houston on fire. Will history blame me – or the bees?” <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">-- Richard Widmark in <strong>“The Swarm”<o:p></o:p></strong></span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">A queen of beauty by day … A lusting queen wasp by night!<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">-- Trailer for <strong>“The Wasp Woman”<o:p></o:p></strong></span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">“General, I’ll make a deal with you. You make me a sergeant in charge of the booze and I’ll enlist. Make me a sergeant in charge of the booze! Make me a sergeant in charge of the booze!” <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">-- Jensen in <strong>“Them!”<o:p></o:p></strong></span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">“Science or no science, a girl’s got to get her hair done.”<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">-- Stephanie Clayton in <strong>“Tarantula” <o:p></o:p></strong></span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">“If you want to be on the safe side, call the pest control people in Springdale and have ‘em send out all the DDT they can find.” <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">-- Dr. Kingman in <strong>“Earth vs. the Spider”<o:p></o:p></strong></span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;"><em>“This is the drone of death … the terrifying sound of the monstrous cosmic ray mutations that created the giant insect enemy!”<o:p></o:p></em></span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">-- Narrator in the trailer for <strong>“Monster From the Green Hell”</strong></span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">“I’m going to be the first officer in U.S. battle history to get his butt kicked by a mess of bugs!” <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">-- Richard Widmark in <strong>“The Swarm”<o:p></o:p></strong></span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">“You HAVE to listen! You have to listen to what the bees have to say!”<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">-- Angel in <strong>“The Bees”</strong></span></div>
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Greg Mandelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09583720474386347206noreply@blogger.com0