Your Guide To Post-Rapture Looting, or Armageddon a New Microwave!

Featuring The Rapture Rap!

Remember waaaaaaaay back in January, when we warned you the world was going to end on May 21? Yeah. Now everyone’s hopping on the bandwagon. The Harold Camping bandwagon. You all know who he is by now. The 89-year-old end-times crank who claims that, at about 6 p.m. Saturday, Pacific time, about 2 percent of the world’s population will be immediately "raptured" to Heaven, while the rest of us will be, uhh, heading in the opposite direction.

So, if you've got big Saturday night plans, you might want to reschedule. Because, if you’re like us, the only hot date you've got this weekend will be with .... Satan!

Okay, you say. So the rapture’s coming. What do I need to know to be prepared?

Well, it’s kind of complicated, but basically, either you’re going to be sucked up into the clouds to meet Jesus, or, if you’re not on the guest list, you’ll be staying here to writhe in a misery of plagues – massive earthquakes, boils, frogs, and giant horse-like locusts with scorpion’s teeth and lion’s tails. So you might want to stock up on RAID. And unguent. Perhaps head out for a little post-rapture looting. We’ve got our hearts set on a new microwave.

But Wedgietor, you ask. What's the best way to go about post-rapture looting?

The key to a good post-rapture looting excursion is preparation. Before you head out to loot, make yourself a To-Loot list. Remember, there's going to be a massive earthquake, which will throw open all the graves, tossing the bodies of everyone who's ever died out into the open, so A) the roads may not be driveable, which means you'll probably be looting on foot (don't overdo it!), and B) it's going to be smelly. Also, C) there might be zombies.

Considering this last possibility, the first item on your To-Loot list should be a shotgun -- the best weapon for zombie-killing, according to "The Zombie Survival Guide."

#2 item on the To-Loot list: air-freshener.

#3: a pair of comfortable shoes.

#4: toilet paper. Lots of toilet paper.

Then, find a good place to hunker down for the End Times. There should be plenty of options, what with all the Christians being raptured right out of their houses. Try to pick a quiet, out-of-the-way place, with sturdy doors. And remember, no chimneys -- locusts like chimneys. Then, kick back and make yourself comfortable while you wait for the misery of plagues. And while you’re waiting, you can sing this little Rapture Rap we’ve written. We like to call it, "Baby Got Raptured":

I don’t like big bugs and I can not lie
You other brothers can't deny
When a locust flies in with a lion’s tail
Then you’ll know your life was an epic fail
You get stung, wanna pull out your hair
When the locust stings you on the derriere
Deep in the jeans you’re wearing
You’re doomed and you can't stop swearing
For five months they’re stingin’ your rump
Then just when you think you’re over the hump
Along comes the seventh Trump and says “You’re fired”
Throws the beast into the lake of fire
Then Satan gets cast in the bottomless pit
Oh, [bleep]!
Old Beelzebub, he escaped
Started a war but ended up in the fiery lake
So ladies, ladies
If you don’t wanna roll in Hades
Then sing it loud in the clouds
Even left-behind boys got to shout
Baby got raptured!