Twinkie the Kid, the golden-baked, crème-filled cowboy, has headed for his last roundup. The popular but controversial snack mascot was found dead in a pool of high fructose corn syrup Monday in Twinkie Town, an apparent shooting victim. Police said he was shot in the back. There are no suspects in the case.
The shocking news comes just days after the 41-year-old Kid’s employer, Hostess Brands, Inc., announced it was going out of business, forcing all of its employees, including the Kid and his confectionary comrades, King Ding Dong, Suzy Q, Captain Cupcake and Fruit Pie the Magician, into unemployment.
Known for his exceptional roping skills and flamboyant lifestyle, Twinkie the Kid burst onto the scene in 1971, dressed in a 10-gallon hat, red cowboy boots and a kerchief with red hearts on it. He gained notoriety for his role in the sensational 1978 Moscone-Milk assassination case in San Francisco, when the defendant in the double homicide, former Supervisor Dan White, used Twinkie the Kid as an alibi in what was famously termed the “Twinkie defense.”
Twinkie the Kid denied that he was with White at the time of the shooting, but the damage to his reputation as a rough-and-tough Twinkie wrangler was done.
In the aftermath of the Moscone-Milk controversy, rumors about Twinkie the Kid’s sexual orientation began to swirl, with his rival snack treat mascots fanning the speculation.
“I don’t have any personal knowledge that the Kid was gay, but there were certainly rumors,” said Mr. Peanut, while dusting off his monocle. “I mean, he hung out with two fellows named Captain Cupcake and Fruit Pie, who was … what? A magician? Puh-leeze.”
Mr. Salty, a sailor pretzel, had also heard the loose talk. “Oh yes, I’d heard the stories. I was at the Admiral’s Ball a few years back, and Captain Crunch told me that he’d once watched the Kid and the Frito Bandito frolicking together through his spyglass. Apparently they went Brokeback Mountain out there on the range. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”
Little Debbie, the red-headed snack maven, herself the subject of controversy following rumors of wild, cocaine-fueled orgies with the Keebler Elves, said that she, too, had heard whispers about the Kid. “Just look at his outfit,” she said. “I mean, the dude never wore pants! Just those red cowboy boots and a kerchief with red hearts on it. That should tell you something. Plus, I once offered him a peek at my snack cakes, and he turned me down flat.”
In the end, the Kid’s sexual orientation doesn’t matter, said longtime friend, King Ding Dong. “He was the golden boy. Everyone said he had an infinite shelf life, that he’d live forever. Now he’s gone. All that really matters is that he was a really sweet guy. He was all heart, inside, where it counts,” he said, tapping his chest with his scepter. “Heart, and vanilla cream. And a buttload of sugar.”
Following a public funeral later this week in Twinkie Town, the Kid’s remains will be frozen, dipped in batter and deep fried, according to his wishes.
