Cannibal Run

Now that Hannibal -- the new NBC series about Hannibal Lector -- is a hit, you can bet the other networks are all looking to strike ratings gold with their own cannibal shows. We've got a few ideas for them:

Here Comes Honey-Glazed Boo-Boo – She tastes better than ‘sketti and Go-Go Juice!

How I ‘Et Your Mother – Sorry, future kids who will now never be born!

Dumb and Dahmer – Hilarity ensues when Lloyd and Harry meet Jeffrey, a nice young fellow from Milwaukee, who takes them home to his apartment.

I Love Lucy (So Much I Went Back for Seconds) – This time it’s Ricky who’s got some ‘splainin’ to do…

Braising Hope – Pass the gravy, Maw-Maw.

Eat the Press – Where we find out David Gregory doesn’t taste good, either.

Baking Brad – That’s not meth Walt and Jessie are cookin’…

Malcolm in the Griddle – Frankie Muniz learns there are worse things than being the middle child.

Savoring Private Ryan – Matt Damon, you are so much tastier than K-rations!

Dawson’s Cheek – You can stick a fork in James Van Der Beek. Literally.

Undercooked Boss – It’s a rare chief executive who works as hard as his employees.

Donner Party of Five – What happens when the Salingers’ car runs out of gas in the Sierra Nevadas.

Paris, When She Sizzles – Somebody finally found a use for Paris Hilton.

Queer Eye for the Cannibal Guy – Each week the Fab Five perform a makeover on a different cannibal, revamping his wardrobe (all those blood stains!), redecorating his home (what’s with the tacky, skeleton-strewn pit in the basement? It’s so “Silence of the Lambs!”) and offering advice on grooming.

So You Think You Can Dance While You’re Manacled to the Wall in the Secret Room in My Basement? Contestants compete in a wide variety of dance styles, including Salsa, Cha-Cha-Cha, Foxtrot, Tango and both Contemporary and Latin Jazz, while being held captive by various cannibalistic psychopaths.

Howard’s End (is delicious!) – What? It’s the best part!  

Heating Up the Kardashians – Somebody finally found a use for Kim, Kourtney and Khloe.

Two Broke Ghouls – Max and Caroline run out of money and can’t afford food, so they start kidnapping and eating the customers at the Williamsburg Diner. Hilarity ensues.

Axed Men – Hey, those loggers get hungry after a hard day of Butt rigging.

My Lunch is Earl – What happens when Earl shows up at Hannibal Lector’s house to make amends for a past wrong.

The Brady Brunch – Where do you think Sam the Butcher got all that meat?

CNN, NY Post Reveal Photo of Boston Marathon Suspect

A joint CNN/New York Post investigation has revealed a photo they say is of the FBI’s prime suspect in the Boston Marathon bombing.

“As you can see,” said CNN’s John King on The Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer, “the photo is that of a dark-skinned male, wearing a backwards baseball cap, and I’m told by a source who has a friend whose cousin is a Facebook friend of someone whose uncle lives next door to a law enforcement official that, when shown this photo of this dark-skinned male, the law enforcement official said, ‘We got him.’”

“This dark-skinned male,” said Blitzer, “could he be heard speaking with an accent? Was he wearing sandals, maybe? Or was he at least spotted eating some humus?”

The New York Post, meanwhile, published the photo on its cover with the headline: “HAT MAN – feds seek this guy (who's probably a terrorist) pictured at Boston Marathon.” 

When told that the photo was actually that of President Barack Obama, Post editor Col Allan defended the paper’s reporting, telling The Daily Wedgie, “We stand by our story. The image was emailed to my next door neighbor’s aunt, who then tweeted it to her manicurist, who printed it out and gave it to her husband, who is on a bowling team with someone reputed to be in law enforcement – and he posted it on his Facebook page. We did not say this guy did it. We said ‘probably.’”

Are you Thor? We thur are

But enough about our Eathter egg hunt gone horribly wrong.

Wedgeheads, we've been doing some thinking, and we've come to a conclusion. We’re living the dream. You know, the one where you’re sitting at work and suddenly you realize you forgot to wear pants? That one. But we digress. We’re living the dream – all of us. We’ve got it easy. We forget that, just a few measly centuries ago, we would have been sitting around thinking, “Boy, I wish that guy in the horned helmet would stop stabbing me.”

Which reminds us. There’s this new show on the History channel called Vikings. It’s set in the 9^th century, and based on the exploits of a real Norseman from history, Ragnar Lodbrok, who leads a bunch of other Vikings on a raid to England, where they find the cast of Downton Abbey sitting around eating tea and crumpets. You get the picture. Pillaging and plundering ensues.

We got curious about Ragnar, so we decided to read up on him, and we found that he had a son named Ivar the Boneless. Yeah. Thanks for the name, Pops!

Anyway, that got us to thinking about all the other really cool names they used to give people back then, like Charles the Fat, Richard the Lionheart, and Cedric the Entertainer, and how cool it would be if we still had names like that. Then, when our coworkers saw us at the vending machine, they’d say, “Hello, Wedgitor the Pantless.”

Haven’t we suffered enough with our boring old, garden variety, milquetoast names? It’s time we created new names, Viking names for the 21^st century!

And so we did. We present them to you now. Look them over and choose the one that fits you best, or, make up your own! Mix and match with your friends!

Here's how to turn your name into a Viking name. Take your first name, followed by the word "the" and then add one of the following:

Competent

Poor Credit Risk

Loud Tie Wearer

Brown-Noser

Flatulent

Warlike

Herniated

Over perfumed

Bad Joke Forwarder

Excessively Caffeinated

Lactose Intolerant

Tweeter

Tissue Filcher

Aggressive Driver

Bad Parallel Parker

Doughnut Eater

Not-So-Terrible  

Stinky

Technologically Challenged

Pickle Fancier

Uninsured

Overly Familiar

Mediocre

Mildly Annoying

Disorganized

Remote Hoarder