NRA's Wayne LaPierre: "Arm every kindergartner to the teeth"

Responding to the rash of mass shootings across the country, NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre today proposed his organization's plan to combat the violence: arm the nation’s schoolchildren "to the teeth."

“The only thing that stops a big bad guy with a gun is a bunch of good little guys with guns,” LaPierre said at a media event that was interrupted by two men in white suits from the nearby Shady Pines Rest Home and Sanitorium for the Severely Deranged, who showed up and placed him into a straitjacket before taking him away in a van. Before he was hauled off in a straitjacket, however, LaPierre went on a 20-minute rant, blaming  Spongebob Squarepants for the recent spate of mass shootings in the U.S.

“Look,” said LaPierre, “what kind of idiot would dare come into a school and start shooting if they knew that every kindergartner in the place was armed to the teeth with assault weapons and concealed handguns? You’d have to be nuts! Plus, it’ll be the end of bullying as we know it. Everyone knows the gun is the great equalizer. No more big kids picking on the little wimpy ones, cause little Poindexter can just take out his Glock 17 semi-automatic handgun and blammo, blammo, blammo, blammo, blammo, blammo, blammo, blammo! Blammo! Only add 8 to 23 more blammos, cause it fires 17 rounds, 32 with the extended ammo clip.”

As he was being dragged away by the two white-coated Shady Pines men, LaPierre screamed, “You’ll take away our kindergartner’s guns when you pry them out of their stubby little fingers!”

Misinterpreted Movie Titles of 2012

Liam Neeson prepares to get kinky in "50 Shades of The Grey"

Yes, it's time once again for our Top Movies of the Year list, which is hampered by the fact that we didn't see any of these movies, and also by the fact that we're doing this right after our office Christmas party, where we imbibed a tad too much of Chester the night janitor's bathtub eggnog. Now, without further ado, here's this year's list, accompanied by our best guess of what these movies are about:

Skyfall -- We're guessing this is two hours of Chicken Little repeating his never-ending doomsday delusions. Give it up, Little!

Abraham Lincoln, Umpire Killer -- A promising political career is cut short when a hotheaded young rail splitter takes up the sport of baseball, argues a call, and things get a wee bit out of control?

Wreck It, Ralph – Yet another boring rehash of the 2000 presidential election? Give it up, Gore!

The Perks of Being a Wallflower – Let me guess, it starts with the fact that you want to be a rock star, and you just happen to be Bob Dylan’s son?



The Watch – Finally! An entire movie about the episode that Christopher Walken describes in Pulp Fiction. “And now, little man, I give the watch to you…”  It’s about freakin’ time, Tarantino!

Paranormans – Norm MacDonald and George Wendt try to resurrect their cursed careers?

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Don – Kristen Stewart finally decides she’s not on Team Pasty Vampire Dude or Team Shirtless Werewolf Guy, and runs off with Don Draper from Mad Men?

Magic Mike – Finally, we find out how Mitt Romney’s 47 percent speech got recorded?

Cloud Atlas – Finally, we get proof that 99 percent of the world’s clouds reside directly over Portland, Oregon? Thanks, Rand McNally!



Ted – Mark Wahlberg’s stuffed animal comes to life as a charming, cuddly guy-next-door type. This causes problems when his girlfriend visits and asks the question, “What’s Ted Bundy doing here?”

Red Dawn, Total Recall, 21 Jump Street, Dark Shadows -- What freaking year is this, anyway?



Taken 2 – Let me guess, Liam Neeson spends 90 minutes on a bloody rampage looking for, pursuing, finding and killing everyone in Asia who even looked at anybody in his family the wrong way. We’re guessing Asia because, in Taken 1, he already killed everyone in Europe. Give it up, foreign dudes! Stop messin’ with Liam’s family!

Bonus! We take a crack at the hottest book of the year, too!

50 Shades of The Grey – From what we can gather, this is about a naive young woman who embarks on  a daring, kinky affair with Liam Neeson, who gets his kicks by having kinky sex in the freezing arctic  wilderness while simultaneously fighting savage wolves to the death with his bare hands. Give it up, wolves!

Twinkie the Kid Shot Dead in Twinkie Town

Twinkie the Kid, the golden-baked, crème-filled cowboy, has headed for his last roundup. The popular but controversial snack mascot was found dead in a pool of high fructose corn syrup Monday in Twinkie Town, an apparent shooting victim. Police said he was shot in the back. There are no suspects in the case.

The shocking news comes just days after the 41-year-old Kid’s employer, Hostess Brands, Inc., announced it was going out of business, forcing all of its employees, including the Kid and his confectionary comrades, King Ding Dong, Suzy Q, Captain Cupcake and Fruit Pie the Magician, into unemployment.

Known for his exceptional roping skills and flamboyant lifestyle, Twinkie the Kid burst onto the scene in 1971, dressed in a 10-gallon hat, red cowboy boots and a kerchief with red hearts on it. He gained notoriety for his role in the sensational 1978 Moscone-Milk assassination case in San Francisco, when the defendant in the double homicide, former Supervisor Dan White, used Twinkie the Kid as an alibi in what was famously termed the “Twinkie defense.”

Twinkie the Kid denied that he was with White at the time of the shooting, but the damage to his reputation as a rough-and-tough Twinkie wrangler was done.

In the aftermath of the Moscone-Milk controversy, rumors about Twinkie the Kid’s sexual orientation began to swirl, with his rival snack treat mascots fanning the speculation.

“I don’t have any personal knowledge that the Kid was gay, but there were certainly rumors,” said Mr. Peanut, while dusting off his monocle. “I mean, he hung out with two fellows named Captain Cupcake and Fruit Pie, who was …  what? A magician? Puh-leeze.”

Mr. Salty, a sailor pretzel, had also heard the loose talk. “Oh yes, I’d heard the stories. I was at the Admiral’s Ball a few years back, and Captain Crunch told me that he’d once watched the Kid and the Frito Bandito frolicking together through his spyglass. Apparently they went Brokeback Mountain out there on the range. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”    

Little Debbie, the red-headed snack maven, herself the subject of controversy following rumors of wild, cocaine-fueled orgies with the Keebler Elves, said that she, too, had heard whispers about the Kid. “Just look at his outfit,” she said. “I mean, the dude never wore pants! Just those red cowboy boots and a kerchief with red hearts on it. That should tell you something. Plus, I once offered him a peek at my snack cakes, and he turned me down flat.”  

In the end, the Kid’s sexual orientation doesn’t matter, said longtime friend, King Ding Dong. “He was the golden boy. Everyone said he had an infinite shelf life, that he’d live forever. Now he’s gone. All that really matters is that he was a really sweet guy. He was all heart, inside, where it counts,” he said, tapping his chest with his scepter. “Heart, and vanilla cream. And a buttload of sugar.”  

Following a public funeral later this week in Twinkie Town, the Kid’s remains will be frozen, dipped in batter and deep fried, according to his wishes.  

Rebel Without a Clue: Tweets from Trump’s Revolution

As you know by now, Donald Trump wigged out on election night, sending out a series of tweets raving against the election results, and even calling for a “revolution!” against President Obama and the “phoney (sic) electoral college.”

Thank God real Americans have a brave hero to lead them against the evil Kenyan socialist anti-Christ, Obama. So let’s take this moment to stop and visualize just how totally freaking awesome a Donald Trump-led revolution against the government of the United States would be. Here’s how we envision the Trump Revolution going, as described by a series of tweets from General Trump himself:

Donald J. Trump @realGeneralTrump  Nov. 12
My revolution has begun! I’ve set up camp in a secret location in the Catskills. My new beard itches, and my cave is not xactly the Ritz. #VivaLaRevolucion

Donald J. Trump @realGeneralTrump  49m
More recruits arrived today. Not a bad bunch, but Dick Morris keeps spooning me at night in my cave. Those aren’t marshmallows, Dick. #LegitimateNightmare

Donald J. Trump @realGeneralTrump  Nov. 14
What a travesty! Today, while hunting in the woods, Nugent shot me in the face with his crossbow. Said he thought my hair was a possum. #RebelWithoutAnEar

Donald J. Trump @realGeneralTrump  Nov. 17
Have informed Obama that fighting season will be from May-Aug., due to my NBC schedule (Celebrity Apprentice begins shooting Aug. 5!) #VivaLaRevolucion

Donald J. Trump @realGeneralTrump   Nov. 18
Recorded my 1st video in the cave 2day. Called 4 Holy War against Obama. Also pitched new reality show 2 NBC. #CelebrityRebel

Donald J. Trump @realGeneralTrump  Nov. 21
Conditions are terrible in camp. Many of my men forced to boil their shoes for food. Had to wrestle Limbaugh 4 my Gucci loafers. #TasteLikeChickenFeet

Donald J. Trump @realGeneralTrump  Nov. 24
Getting ready for my 1st attack! Very xcited! Leading my rebels against a force of Obama’s mercenaries in Trenton. Gonna b Huge! #Hessians

Donald J. Trump @realDonaldTrump  13m
Am leading my rebel troops from my command cave. Hey, I’m a luvr, not a fighter! Col. West is in the field. #FingersCrossed

Donald J. Trump @realGeneralTrump   Nov. 25 
Well we lost. Attack was a travesty, thank u Hank Williams Jr. Just as we snuck up on the Hessians, he yelled, “R U ready for some ambush?”

Donald J. Trump @realGeneralTrump  8m
Lost ½ my army at Trenton, including Steve Doocy, Meat Loaf, and one of the Koch Bros. The one with glasses. Back 2 the drawing board.

Donald J. Trump @realGeneralTrump  Nov. 26
I m shocked & outraged. The cowards at NBC r threatening 2 cancel Celeb Apprentice! I regret that I have but 1 TV show 2 give 4 my country. #Travesty&Sham

Donald J. Trump @realGeneralTrump  21m
I have a huge announcement coming soon. Very big. Huge. Bigger than anyone would know. Stay tuned.

Donald J. Trump @realGeneralTrump  Nov. 27
Good newz/bad newz. Bad newz first: I regret 2 announce that I have ben forced to cease hostilities against Obama. The Revolution is over.

Donald J. Trump @realGeneralTrump 3m
Now the good newz: The new season of Celebrity Apprentice begins Sept. 14. It’s going to be huge. Incredibly huge. Colossal. Stay tuned.

Fact Checker Gives Pinocchio “Four Romneys” For Puppet’s Claims About Why He Didn’t Go to School

The Washington Post’s film historian and fact-checker, Carl Matushka, today released his review of Pinocchio’s claim that he didn’t go to school because he was kidnapped by “two big monsters, with big, green eyes.” Matushka gave the statement “Four Romneys.”

Pinocchio makes the claim while answering questions put to him by the Blue Fairie in the animated 1940 Walt Disney film, Pinocchio. Here is the transcript of the interview in question:

Blue Fairie: Pinocchio, why didn’t you go to school?

Pinocchio: School? Well I … uh … I was going to school, ‘til I met somebody.

Blue Fairie: Met somebody?

Pinocchio:  Yeah. Two big monsters, with big green eyes!

Blue Fairie: Monsters? Weren’t you afraid?

Pinocchio:  No ma’am. But they tied me in a big sack!

Blue Fairie:  You don’t say! And where was Sir Jiminy?

Pinocchio: They put him in a little sack!

The Facts

In actuality, Pinocchio was on his way to school, but allowed himself to be sidetracked by con artists Honest John and Gideon, who convinced him to join Stromboli’s puppet show.

The Finding

Pinocchio’s musings about why he didn’t go to school were patently false. For proof of the wooden boy’s prevarications, one need look no further than his nose, which grows with each misstatement he tells the Blue Fairie, until his protruding proboscis stretches some four feet in length, and grows a bird’s nest on the end of it.

Overall, the reasons given for his having missed school – his first day of school, no less – were completely untrue. There were no “big monsters with big, green eyes,” and nobody tied Pinocchio in a big sack.

These claims earn Pinocchio Four Romneys.

FOUR ROMNEYS

Four Days After Storm, Trump’s Wig Still Missing

A bald-headed Donald Trump today offered President Obama $5 million if he will authorize FEMA to find his wig, which apparently blew off his head Monday evening when Hurricane Sandy swept through Manhattan.

The real estate mogul made the offer this morning at a press conference outside Trump Tower in midtown Manhattan. “If Barack Obama directs FEMA to drop what they’re doing in other parts of the region and begin a massive search for my hair, I will give to the charity of his choice — inner city children in Chicago, American Cancer Society, AIDS research, anything he wants — a check immediately for $5 million,” he said. “The check will be given within one hour after he orders FEMA to begin the search for my toupee. He will be doing a great service for the country if he does this.”

Trump said he lost his wig Monday during Hurricane Sandy. “I had just opened a window of my penthouse in the beautiful and luxurious Trump Tower, and stuck my head out to look at the hurricane, when a huge gust of wind came along and blew my toupee off,” said Trump. “It was huge. A huge gust of wind. The last I saw of my hair, it was soaring past West 57^th Street, past the Louis Vuitton building, heading towards Central Park.”

Trump said his toupee is one of a kind, and irreplaceable. “My toupee, like everything else about me, is unique,” he said. “There isn’t another one like it in the whole world. It was made from the fur of an endangered Sumatran Orangutan, which is a very impressive, very large, orange ape. Huge. There are only about 7,000 of them still alive in the wild.”

Trump refused to place a value on the wig. “Let me put it this way,” he said. “If I were to tell you how much this toupee is worth, you would be astounded. It’s a huge dollar amount. Huge. Very big. Bigger than anyone would know.”

Frankenjowls, or A Boy Named Sununu

(sung to the tune of A Boy Named Sue)   

In his castle in old Transylvaney
Mitt Romney and his hunchback, Cheney,
Set out to create the perfect political oaf
Well they had John Bolton, that mustachioed hack
And the rest of the crowd from old Iraq
Not to mention rock “stars” like Nugent and Meat Loaf.

But Mitt needed a meaner, older cuss
to shovel crap and make a fuss
and do stuff I guess Earl Butz was unavailable to do
So they went down to the political graveyard
and dug up this old jowly tub of lard
and brought back to the castle a boy named Sununu.

Now this old goat was Bush the Elder’s Chief of Staff
The king of crooks, the governor of graft
This low-down, anti-semitic, racist tub of goo
got caught using government jets and limousines
to get a haircut or go skiing
He resigned in disgrace around 1992.

So that’s who Mitt and Cheney laid out on a slab
deep in the bowels of Romney’s secret lab
and attempted to bring out of his long hibernation
They hooked electrodes to his jowls and threw the switch,
Then lightning flashed and the creature twitched
And Mitt yelled, “It’s alive! Just like a corporation!”

Well they cleaned him up and put him in a suit
said, “Frankenjowls, the airwaves you must pollute,”
And sent the creature off to kick ass like Patrick Swayze

Well the monster went on TV and flapped his jowls
Said something racist about Colin Powell

and even called the President “detached and lazy.”

Now the creature roamed the countryside
Insulting folks both far and wide
He wallowed in the gutter, filth and sleaze
Of the President, our number one,
he said, “I wish he’d learn to be an American,”
This from the guy born in Cuba of parentage Lebanese.

Well the villagers had finally had enough
Of the creature’s vile and racist stuff

With pitchforks and torches they chased him over hill and dale and glen

At night the hideous monster flapped his awful jowls
And let out a series of mournful howls

He said, “I’m not a monster, I’m just a Republican.”

Now the creature, lonely and again disgraced
Lamented his ugly, camel-face
Said, “If I only had a bride to lend me her cold shoulder.”
He prayed for a female corpse that’s single

And he put an ad on Christian Mingle
And that’s how the monster found his bride, Anne Coulter.

She put her hair up in a bun
And now the two creatures are on the run
From a world that has rejected their Neanderthal point of view

They whisper hateful, racist nothings in each other’s ears
But the world has nothing left to fear
from the monster couple, unless they make their own boy …. named Sununu.