Republicans Propose Replacing Military With Coupons For Guns, Bullets

Republicans, led by Wisconsin Rep. Paul Ryan, unveiled a bold new plan to cut the nation’s deficit by eliminating the military and replacing it with a voucher system for ordinary citizens to purchase weaponry.

“Instead of spending billions and billions of taxpayer dollars every year on our nation’s defense, Americans will receive $15,000 coupons which they can use to purchase everything they need to protect the country themselves, from guns and bullets to bazookas, tanks and even fighter jets,” Ryan said in an appearance on NBC’s Meet the Press.

Pointing to an array of pie charts and graphs, Ryan outlined his plan to save the country billions in defense spending and funnel the money to the wealthy in the form of tax cuts.

“These cut-out coupons will come to citizens through the mail, similar to those offered by pizza companies, like Domino’s,” Ryan said. “You’ll just have to be careful to read the expiration date at the bottom of each coupon. Otherwise, when your military hardware arrives on your doorstep, you won’t get the discount.”

“We’ve got to get America back to a feeling of individual responsibility,” Ryan told host David Gregory. “And that includes our nation’s military. If you have a problem with, say, China, don’t wait for the government to do something. Using our new coupon system, you’ll be able to go out on the free market and buy your own army of military contractors, and use them to attack Beijing. Or, if you prefer to go it alone, use your voucher towards purchase of a nuclear submarine. You’ll have the launch codes, not some socialist General living off the government tit.”

Speaker of the House John Boehner heartily endorsed Ryan’s plan, and said he intends to bring it up for a vote in the House as early as next week. “It’s time we put an end to socialized military in this country,” Boehner said.

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor called the plan a “win-win” for the American people. “Not only does our plan put a stop to this government takeover of the military, it gives our nation’s psychopaths an outlet for their rages and murderous sprees. Instead of going down to the local mall or fast-food joint to shoot it up, they can do something constructive. Like invade Norway.”

“Americans have a do-it-yourself kind of spirit,” said Cantor. “They don’t want bureaucrats in Washington deciding who needs to be shot or blown up. They want the freedom to go out there and blow them up themselves.”

On “Meet the Press,” Ryan went even further, saying he planned to propose similar plans to replace the country’s police and fire departments with a series of fun-house tokens, like those offered at arcades.

“Any American citizen will be able to purchase their own fire truck or police cruiser on the open market, as long as you have sufficient tokens. Only instead of using them to play Whack-a-Mole, you’ll be buying handcuffs, billy clubs and fire hoses. The plan will save taxpayers billions!”

The Dictator's Toilet and Other Close Shaves

While we’ve all been sitting around waiting for the rapture, the world’s idiots haven’t stopped entertaining us with their colorful shenanigans. Take, for instance, the following news item:

Zimbabwean Police Sergeant Jailed For Using President Robert Mugabe's Toilet

Alois Mabhunu, a homicide detective in the western city of Bulawayo, is in a wee bit of trouble after he used a toilet reserved for President Robert Mugabe. The incident occurred at the annual Zimbabwe International Trade Fair (ZITF). According to local radio station VOP, this is how it all went down in the Presidential toilet:

"Mabhunu, due to the call of nature, rushed to the toilets reserved for Mugabe and his guest Ekra, but was stopped by other officers guarding the toilets," VOP said. "Under intense pressure from the call of nature, the officer forced his way in and managed to relieve himself. He was arrested on 7 May after a report was made to Mugabe's security men and to senior police officers in the city."

A local human rights lawyer pooh-poohs the charges. "There has to be a law saying the toilet is the president's, but this was a public one," Beatrice Mtetwa is quoted as saying. "They will have had to issue a proclamation in the government gazette specifying it. I bet they didn't do that."

Okay, I don’t mean to dump on the President of Zimbabwe, but do I understand this correctly? The Zimbabwean government regularly issues proclamations in the official government newspaper anointing specific public toilets as Mugabe’s personal privies, not to be sullied by the buttocks of any other human? What’s this feature in the gazette called? The Toilet Blotter?

Well, at least all of Zimbabwe can rest easy now that the police have flushed out this dangerous criminal. And let this be a warning to the rest of you: Don’t use the president’s whiz palace or urine trouble, pal!

Meanwhile, in Florida, a woman named Megan Barnes crashed into the back of a pickup truck at about 45 mph while driving on the highway between Miami and Key West. Ms. Barnes told the investigating officer that she was distracted because she was “shaving her bikini area” while driving.

But wait! It gets better. Ms. Barnes told the officer she was on her way to a date and “wanted to be ready for the visit,” so she asked her ex-husband (I’m guessing his name’s Cletus), who was in the car with her, to steer so she could concentrate on shaving her hoo-ha. To no one's particular surprise, the Highway Patrol quickly discovered that Ms. Barnes didn't have a valid driver's license. Oh, and, the day before, she'd been convicted of DUI and driving with a suspended license. Oh, and her car had been seized and had no insurance or registration. Oh, and she was on probation. But hey, at least she’s well groomed!

Rapture Preacher: “My bad. I forgot to carry the two.”

Saying “math was never my strong suit,” red-faced end-times preacher Harold Camping apologized to his followers tonight when the world didn’t end as he had predicted.

“It was a simple math problem,” Camping said, in a broadcast from his Oakland radio station. “I forgot to carry the 2. A little mistake like that has enormous ramifications in the Bible Code. It throws everything off. So, instead of God saying May 21 was Judgment Day, what He was actually saying was that it was Bad Judgment Day. And, when you look at all the people who believed me, and spent all their money and gave away all their worldly possessions to get ready for the Rapture – not to mention the millions of people who went to see that new ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ movie – it’s pretty hard to argue with Him. It was Bad Judgment Day.”

The 89-year-old number-crunching preacher has scrutinized the Bible for almost 70 years and claimed to have cracked a Bible code that told him when the Rapture would take place.

When a caller to his radio show pointed out that this marks the second time Camping has erroneously predicted the end of the world -- the first being in 1994 -- Camping responded, "Yeah, I know. What can I say? I suck at math."

Camping added that, according to his newest calculations, something called "The Rupture" is scheduled to take place on Tuesday, May 24th, but that it doesn't sound like anything to worry about.

Your Guide To Post-Rapture Looting, or Armageddon a New Microwave!

Featuring The Rapture Rap!

Remember waaaaaaaay back in January, when we warned you the world was going to end on May 21? Yeah. Now everyone’s hopping on the bandwagon. The Harold Camping bandwagon. You all know who he is by now. The 89-year-old end-times crank who claims that, at about 6 p.m. Saturday, Pacific time, about 2 percent of the world’s population will be immediately "raptured" to Heaven, while the rest of us will be, uhh, heading in the opposite direction.

So, if you've got big Saturday night plans, you might want to reschedule. Because, if you’re like us, the only hot date you've got this weekend will be with .... Satan!

Okay, you say. So the rapture’s coming. What do I need to know to be prepared?

Well, it’s kind of complicated, but basically, either you’re going to be sucked up into the clouds to meet Jesus, or, if you’re not on the guest list, you’ll be staying here to writhe in a misery of plagues – massive earthquakes, boils, frogs, and giant horse-like locusts with scorpion’s teeth and lion’s tails. So you might want to stock up on RAID. And unguent. Perhaps head out for a little post-rapture looting. We’ve got our hearts set on a new microwave.

But Wedgietor, you ask. What's the best way to go about post-rapture looting?

The key to a good post-rapture looting excursion is preparation. Before you head out to loot, make yourself a To-Loot list. Remember, there's going to be a massive earthquake, which will throw open all the graves, tossing the bodies of everyone who's ever died out into the open, so A) the roads may not be driveable, which means you'll probably be looting on foot (don't overdo it!), and B) it's going to be smelly. Also, C) there might be zombies.

Considering this last possibility, the first item on your To-Loot list should be a shotgun -- the best weapon for zombie-killing, according to "The Zombie Survival Guide."

#2 item on the To-Loot list: air-freshener.

#3: a pair of comfortable shoes.

#4: toilet paper. Lots of toilet paper.

Then, find a good place to hunker down for the End Times. There should be plenty of options, what with all the Christians being raptured right out of their houses. Try to pick a quiet, out-of-the-way place, with sturdy doors. And remember, no chimneys -- locusts like chimneys. Then, kick back and make yourself comfortable while you wait for the misery of plagues. And while you’re waiting, you can sing this little Rapture Rap we’ve written. We like to call it, "Baby Got Raptured":

I don’t like big bugs and I can not lie
You other brothers can't deny
When a locust flies in with a lion’s tail
Then you’ll know your life was an epic fail
You get stung, wanna pull out your hair
When the locust stings you on the derriere
Deep in the jeans you’re wearing
You’re doomed and you can't stop swearing
For five months they’re stingin’ your rump
Then just when you think you’re over the hump
Along comes the seventh Trump and says “You’re fired”
Throws the beast into the lake of fire
Then Satan gets cast in the bottomless pit
Oh, [bleep]!
Old Beelzebub, he escaped
Started a war but ended up in the fiery lake
So ladies, ladies
If you don’t wanna roll in Hades
Then sing it loud in the clouds
Even left-behind boys got to shout
Baby got raptured!

Schwarzenegger admits, “I am the Impregnator”

As attention in Arnold Schwarzenegger’s “love-child gate” shifted to the former housekeeper who bore his child, the former governor and movie star made a bizarre admission at a hastily-called press conference, announcing that he is actually a cyborg sent from the future to single-handedly repopulate the planet.

With his estranged wife, Maria Shriver, at his side, Schwarzenegger spoke to a crowd of stunned reporters gathered outside his Pacific Palisades mansion.

“It is true,” he said. “I am the Impregnator, a cyborg model T-1000 love machine, sent from the future to save humankind. You see, on January 27, 2013, one week after Michele Bachmann is sworn in as the 45th President of the United States, a massive nuclear war is triggered when President Bachmann accidentally attacks North Korea, China, Russia, Iran, Mexico, Chile, Vietnam, France, England, Germany and Taxachusetts simultaneously with nuclear weapons. After those countries retaliated, a worldwide nuclear fire ensued. No humans survived. I was sent back in time from the future to repopulate the planet with as many half-cyborg babies as possible, so that they can survive this nuclear fire. That is why I have spent the past thirty years spreading my cyborg seed all across the planet Earth. Now that I have completed my mission, it is time for me to return to the future. But before I go, I would like to say to all of my bastard love-children: Hasta la vista, babies.”

Schwarzenegger then stepped onto an elevator platform above a vat of boiling molten steel. Turning to Shriver, he handed the elevator controls to her. “Here,” he said. “I cannot self-terminate. You must lower me into the…”

“Oh, don’t worry, you bastard,” said Shriver, feverishly pushing the button that lowered her philandering cyborg husband into the pit of unbelievably hot bubbling molten liquid.

As his buff body sunk into the boiling goo, the bodybuilder-turned actor-turned-governor of California told his wife, “I know now why you cry. But it is something I can never do.”

“I’m not crying!” Shriver yelled, continuing to push the button. “Die, lying bastard cyborg scum!”

And with that, Schwarzenegger disappeared into the blistering lava. Then, however, a metal hand reappeared, thrusting out of the fiery liquid to form a final thumbs-up, before sinking once more into the molten steel.

Report: Bin Laden Partied With Porn Stars, Charlie Sheen

Evidence that Osama bin Laden partied with troubled actor Charlie Sheen at his Abbottabad compound was found in the hideout of the slain Al Qaida leader by the Navy Seals who killed him, U.S. officials said on Monday.

The evidence recovered in bin Laden's compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan, consists of Sheen’s wallet, which the debauched star apparently left behind, and home-made video recordings that show bin Laden drinking, snorting cocaine, and cavorting with Sheen and two unnamed porn stars, according to the officials, who discussed the discovery on condition of anonymity.

At one point on the video, a drugged up and naked bin Laden is shown smashing furniture in his bedroom and locking one of his wives in the closet, the officials said. Reuters identified the woman on the video as bin Laden's youngest wife, Yemeni born Amal Ahmed Abdel-Fatah al-Sada, and said that she was screaming inside a locked closet while the terrorist mastermind threw chairs and tables around the room.

“He thought she stole his walkie-talkie,” the Reuters report states. “She was fearing for her life and was hysterical. Bin Laden was incoherent and screaming slurs at her, while Charlie Sheen can be heard in the background telling him to ‘man up.’”

The officials said they believe the videos were made earlier this year, in January or early February, and that they include a 20-minute rant by bin Laden in which the al Qaida leader appears to have been coached by Sheen on how to improve his video messages.

In this section of the video, according to a source who has seen the footage, bin Laden appears on camera, chain-smoking and rocking back and forth. He claims to have ‘the blood of a camel’ in his veins’ and says that ‘defeat is not an option.’

“They are going to have to change the United States of America to the Usama States of America. Duh. Winning!’” the source quoted bin Laden as saying.

According to Sheen’s lawyer, Monty Dingle, the former “Two and a Half Men” star has been interrogated by U.S. intelligence, but remembers nothing of the incident.

“Charlie Sheen says that he was kidnapped by ‘The Church of the Martian Idiots’ – which is what he calls Alcoholics Anonymous – and that they brainwashed him,” said Dingle. “He recalls nothing from 2004 up to and including last night.”

Dr. Mengele comes out of hiding, defends enhanced interrogation

Nazi War Criminal Dr. Josef Mengele has come out of hiding to join the parade of former Bush administration officials defending their use of torture.

Dr. Mengele, 100, infamous for conducting grisly human expriments on concentration camp inmates at Auschwitz during World War II, fled to South America after the war and was thought to have died in 1979. But Mengele resurfaced this week when he appeared on Fox News’ Sean Hannity Show with former Vice President Dick Cheney.

Mengele, aka “The Angel of Death,” reminded Fox viewers that the Bush administration term for torture – “enhanced interrogation techniques” – originally came from the Nazis.

“It was (Gestapo Chief Heinrich) Muller, actually -- who first coined the phrase, ‘Verscharfte Vernehmung,’ which translates to ‘sharpened, intensified or enhanced interrogation,” said Mengele.

The former SS Captain seemed at ease, playfully teasing Cheney at times. “You Americans amuse me. You are so fickle. At the Tokyo Trials after World War II, you tried, convicted and even hung Japanese soldiers for waterboarding POWs. And you were certainly against it when the Gestapo did it, accusing us of breaking the Geneva conventions. Then, after 9-11 you embraced it. Now, who knows? Make up your mind, won’t you?”

Hannity seemed in awe of the doctor. “I’m a big fan of your work,” the smitten host told Mengele.

Cheney, meanwhile, seemed equally infatuated. “When you talk about torture, it’s Vlad the Impaler, Torquemada, and this man right here. They’re the holy trinity of pain infliction.”

Hannity had Mengele sign an autograph, and then Cheney and Mengele went on NBC’s “Meet the Press” with David Gregory, joining former Bush administration officials Condoleeza Rice, Donald Rumsfeld, torture memo author John Yoo, and Cheney’s daughter, Liz, who proclaimed, “the debate is over. Torture works.”

“Who cares whether it works or not,” said Mengele. “The point is, it’s fun!”