Cannibal Run

Now that Hannibal -- the new NBC series about Hannibal Lector -- is a hit, you can bet the other networks are all looking to strike ratings gold with their own cannibal shows. We've got a few ideas for them:

Here Comes Honey-Glazed Boo-Boo – She tastes better than ‘sketti and Go-Go Juice!

How I ‘Et Your Mother – Sorry, future kids who will now never be born!

Dumb and Dahmer – Hilarity ensues when Lloyd and Harry meet Jeffrey, a nice young fellow from Milwaukee, who takes them home to his apartment.

I Love Lucy (So Much I Went Back for Seconds) – This time it’s Ricky who’s got some ‘splainin’ to do…

Braising Hope – Pass the gravy, Maw-Maw.

Eat the Press – Where we find out David Gregory doesn’t taste good, either.

Baking Brad – That’s not meth Walt and Jessie are cookin’…

Malcolm in the Griddle – Frankie Muniz learns there are worse things than being the middle child.

Savoring Private Ryan – Matt Damon, you are so much tastier than K-rations!

Dawson’s Cheek – You can stick a fork in James Van Der Beek. Literally.

Undercooked Boss – It’s a rare chief executive who works as hard as his employees.

Donner Party of Five – What happens when the Salingers’ car runs out of gas in the Sierra Nevadas.

Paris, When She Sizzles – Somebody finally found a use for Paris Hilton.

Queer Eye for the Cannibal Guy – Each week the Fab Five perform a makeover on a different cannibal, revamping his wardrobe (all those blood stains!), redecorating his home (what’s with the tacky, skeleton-strewn pit in the basement? It’s so “Silence of the Lambs!”) and offering advice on grooming.

So You Think You Can Dance While You’re Manacled to the Wall in the Secret Room in My Basement? Contestants compete in a wide variety of dance styles, including Salsa, Cha-Cha-Cha, Foxtrot, Tango and both Contemporary and Latin Jazz, while being held captive by various cannibalistic psychopaths.

Howard’s End (is delicious!) – What? It’s the best part!  

Heating Up the Kardashians – Somebody finally found a use for Kim, Kourtney and Khloe.

Two Broke Ghouls – Max and Caroline run out of money and can’t afford food, so they start kidnapping and eating the customers at the Williamsburg Diner. Hilarity ensues.

Axed Men – Hey, those loggers get hungry after a hard day of Butt rigging.

My Lunch is Earl – What happens when Earl shows up at Hannibal Lector’s house to make amends for a past wrong.

The Brady Brunch – Where do you think Sam the Butcher got all that meat?

CNN, NY Post Reveal Photo of Boston Marathon Suspect

A joint CNN/New York Post investigation has revealed a photo they say is of the FBI’s prime suspect in the Boston Marathon bombing.

“As you can see,” said CNN’s John King on The Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer, “the photo is that of a dark-skinned male, wearing a backwards baseball cap, and I’m told by a source who has a friend whose cousin is a Facebook friend of someone whose uncle lives next door to a law enforcement official that, when shown this photo of this dark-skinned male, the law enforcement official said, ‘We got him.’”

“This dark-skinned male,” said Blitzer, “could he be heard speaking with an accent? Was he wearing sandals, maybe? Or was he at least spotted eating some humus?”

The New York Post, meanwhile, published the photo on its cover with the headline: “HAT MAN – feds seek this guy (who's probably a terrorist) pictured at Boston Marathon.” 

When told that the photo was actually that of President Barack Obama, Post editor Col Allan defended the paper’s reporting, telling The Daily Wedgie, “We stand by our story. The image was emailed to my next door neighbor’s aunt, who then tweeted it to her manicurist, who printed it out and gave it to her husband, who is on a bowling team with someone reputed to be in law enforcement – and he posted it on his Facebook page. We did not say this guy did it. We said ‘probably.’”

Are you Thor? We thur are

But enough about our Eathter egg hunt gone horribly wrong.

Wedgeheads, we've been doing some thinking, and we've come to a conclusion. We’re living the dream. You know, the one where you’re sitting at work and suddenly you realize you forgot to wear pants? That one. But we digress. We’re living the dream – all of us. We’ve got it easy. We forget that, just a few measly centuries ago, we would have been sitting around thinking, “Boy, I wish that guy in the horned helmet would stop stabbing me.”

Which reminds us. There’s this new show on the History channel called Vikings. It’s set in the 9^th century, and based on the exploits of a real Norseman from history, Ragnar Lodbrok, who leads a bunch of other Vikings on a raid to England, where they find the cast of Downton Abbey sitting around eating tea and crumpets. You get the picture. Pillaging and plundering ensues.

We got curious about Ragnar, so we decided to read up on him, and we found that he had a son named Ivar the Boneless. Yeah. Thanks for the name, Pops!

Anyway, that got us to thinking about all the other really cool names they used to give people back then, like Charles the Fat, Richard the Lionheart, and Cedric the Entertainer, and how cool it would be if we still had names like that. Then, when our coworkers saw us at the vending machine, they’d say, “Hello, Wedgitor the Pantless.”

Haven’t we suffered enough with our boring old, garden variety, milquetoast names? It’s time we created new names, Viking names for the 21^st century!

And so we did. We present them to you now. Look them over and choose the one that fits you best, or, make up your own! Mix and match with your friends!

Here's how to turn your name into a Viking name. Take your first name, followed by the word "the" and then add one of the following:

Competent

Poor Credit Risk

Loud Tie Wearer

Brown-Noser

Flatulent

Warlike

Herniated

Over perfumed

Bad Joke Forwarder

Excessively Caffeinated

Lactose Intolerant

Tweeter

Tissue Filcher

Aggressive Driver

Bad Parallel Parker

Doughnut Eater

Not-So-Terrible  

Stinky

Technologically Challenged

Pickle Fancier

Uninsured

Overly Familiar

Mediocre

Mildly Annoying

Disorganized

Remote Hoarder

My cover letter for Pope

Dear Sir or Madam,

As a former altar boy and sometime-wearer of funny hats, I was excited to learn that the Catholic Church is seeking to fill the position of Pope.

While the majority of my working career has been spent in the publishing field as a writer and editor, I have recently decided to widen the scope of my job search to include Supreme Leader, Poobah or other Ruler-type positions.

While I have no practical experience as a world religious leader, I was an altar boy from 1968-1973, making All-Conference in 1972, mostly on the strength of my bell-ringing. In addition, as I mentioned, I have worn funny hats at times, and I believe I would be really good at bossing around other guys in funny hats, which, I understand, is one of the key responsibilities of being Pope.  

Also, I have several ideas which I believe might help the church appeal more to key demographic groups, such as teens and ‘tweens. For instance:

* Replace bland, boring communal wafers with something tastier, like Slim Jims or pizza slices. Perhaps you've heard that Hostess Brands, Inc., is for sale? Why not purchase the Twinkies or Ding Dongs brand, and replace the wafer with one of those?

* Jazz up our confession boxes by turning them into photo booths, so people can have goofy pictures of themselves taken while confessing their sins.

* How about a reality show? I was thinking maybe a hidden camera, Ashton Kutcher-type show, featuring the Pope playing practical jokes on unsuspecting celebrities, then, when they get really upset, I'd yell, "You just got Pope'd! Or maybe just have a camera crew follow the Pope everywhere. Call it, Here Comes Holy Boo-Boo. Or maybe Pimp My Popemobile? I'm just spitballin' here...

* Two words: More Exorcisms!

That is just a taste of the type of snappy ideas you will get with me as Pontiff. Believe me, there are lots more where those came from!  

While my preference is to fill the position of Pope, I would also be willing to consider the position of Anti-Pope.

Thank you in advance for considering my qualifications. I look forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience.

Sincerely,

Gregory Mandel

A Day That Really Ties the Year Together

Are you employed, sir?

If you answered “Yes,” then you are, most likely, at work today. While that’s far out, man, we here at The Daily Wedgie have declared today a national holiday. A day of rest, if you will. We’re calling it … Lebowski Day. Or Dude Day.

“What’s this day of rest shit?” you ask, adding: “There’s no holiday on March 6th. Am I wrong?”

Well, no, you’re not wrong. But new shit has come to light. And clearly you’re not privy to all the new shit. Plus, obviously, you’re not a golfer.

You see, 15 years ago today, on March 6, 1998, “The Big Lebowski,” the Citizen Kane of rug micturation movies, was released, introducing us to The Dude. And as we all know, The Dude is a lazy man. Quite possibly the laziest in Los Angeles County, which would place him high in the running for laziest worldwide. So you can see how being at work on today of all days is verrrrry unDude. So we’re going to need you to drop what you’re doing, go home, put on your bathrobe and pour yourself a Caucasian. Now put on a cassette tape of whale songs – or perhaps some Creedence – smoke a little Thai stick if you’re into that sort of thing, and abide with our third annual Dude Day Wedgie. Or Day of El Duderino, if you’re not into the whole brevity thing.

You can start by reading this new shit, which we discovered last night in Van Nuys, lodged against an abutment:

Funny Stuff, Trivia and What Have You

In the Parlance of Our Times: The f-word and its variations are spoken 281 times in “The Big Lebowski.”

The Dude says the word “man” 174 times in the film.

You Want a Toe? I Can Get You a Toe, Believe Me
A severed toe can last up to six hours and still be reattached successfully; 24-30 hours if it’s placed in a baggie and put on ice.

Careful, Man, There’s a Beverage Here!
White Russian:
2 oz. Vodka
1 oz. Kahlua
Half and half (acceptable substitute: nondairy creamer)
Served over ice in a rocks glass

And now it’s time to see just how “Dude” you really are, with this Little Lebowski Quiz.

1. Are you employed, sir?
A) Yes
B) No
C) What day is this?

2. What do you do in your spare time?
A) Golf
B) Occupy various administration buildings
C) Bowl, drive around, the occasional acid flashback

3. What color is your vehicle?
A) My Hummer is yellow
B) Blue
C) Green, with rust coloration

4. When do you pay your rent?
A) When you own, it’s called a “mortgage”
B) The tenth
C) Far out, man

5. Do you have any Kahlua?
A) No, but I do have some watermelon schnaaps
B) No, I’m fresh out
C) Does the Pope shit in the woods?

BONUS ROUND
What was the subject of Little Larry’s homework?
A) The Constitution of the United States
B) I don’t know, the little prick’s stonewallin’ me
C) The Louisiana Purchase

Mark it, Dude
Now that you have achieved in the modest task that was your charge, it’s time to tally up your score.

For each A) answer, you get 0 points.
For each B) answer, give yourself 5 points.
For each C) answer, give yourself 10 points.

How Dude are you:
0-15: You’re being very un-Dude
16-30: You are the walrus
31-59: I dig your style, man
60: You abide

Poprah, and other dark horse candidates for Pope

As you know, Pope Benedict XVI is stepping down on Feb. 28. It’s time we here at the Daily Wedgie weighed in on who might be next to don the pointy hat. Vatican prognosticators have already made their lists of “papabili” (potential popes). Surprise, surprise, they’re all Cardinals. But nothing in the rules says that the Pope must be a Cardinal. In fact, the only requirements are that the new Pope must be male and baptized Catholic, and be made a bishop before taking office. It’s true, not all the contenders on our list are male, but they are all available: 

Mitt Romney – The perennial presidential candidate, still smarting from his latest election defeat, was surreptitiously recorded at a secret fundraiser last week in Florida, where he was heard telling a roomful of wealthy supporters, “There are 47 percent of the Cardinals who will vote for Cardinal Bagnasco no matter what, okay? They believe that they are victims, and that they are entitled to free wafers, and wine.” Pros: Lots of room on top of the Popemobile for his dog. Cons: Will choose female assistants from “binders full of nuns.”

Charlie Sheen – The troubled actor with tiger blood in his veins has been looking for a high profile project since being fired from Two and a Half Men in March, 2011. When asked if he was qualified for the papacy, he replied, “I am on a drug. It’s called Pope Charlie I. It’s not available because if you try it you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.” Pros: So long, nuns. Hello, Goddesses! Cons: uhh… nope, can’t really think of any.  

Ray Lewis – The recently retired linebacker allegedly tried to boost his chances by taking deer antler spray to aid in his recovery from a torn triceps, which would otherwise hinder his ability to wave his arms around during papal speeches and other events. Pros: His pre-event dance will really liven up Papal Mass. Cons: Has already ruffled feathers by insisting he’ll have the number 52 stitched into the back of all papal robes and vestments.

The Monopoly Iron – After being booted from the Parker Brothers board game, the Iron is looking for a new gig. Though some say he’s just a token candidate, sources inside the Vatican say that his candidacy is gathering steam. Pros: Ability to press his own robes would save the Vatican hundreds in laundry bills. Cons: He’s a small appliance.   

David Petraeus – The retired four-star general resigned as CIA Director in November, following revelations of an extramarital affair with his biographer. He’s announced that, if elected Pope, he plans to “surge” the number of Catholic priests in Iraq and Afghanistan. Pros: Will make reading emails from the Vatican a lot more interesting. Cons: Would have to update his biography.

Joe the Plumber – The bald-headed former plumbing employee has already announced that, if elected, he’ll change his name to Joe the Pope. Pros: Finally, that leaky faucet in the men’s room at St. Peter’s will get fixed. Cons: He’s an idiot.

Oprah: One word: Poprah. Pros: Everyone attending Papal Mass gets a new car! Cons: All confessions would be broadcast live before a studio audience.

A farewell address from the Monopoly Iron

As you may have heard, Parker Brothers has announced that they are retiring one of their Monopoly tokens, the iron, and replacing it with a cat. Well, the iron is not happy with this turn of events, as you might guess, and has published this farewell note:

So, it has come to this. I am to be replaced by a cat. Me, the mighty Iron, smoother of shirts, presser of pants, unwrinkler of wrinkles. You think the cat is going to do all that for you? Good luck with that, my friend. You’ll be lucky if he’ll move six spots to Community Chest so that you may win second prize in a beauty contest. Come to think of it, good luck winning second prize in a beauty contest in your wrinkly, cat pee-stained bathing suit.

Do you actually believe a cat will do as he is told, and advance to the nearest railroad, or to St. Charles Place when it is required of him to do so? Ha! And what about Jail? Have you ever tried incarcerating a cat? He’ll just slip his little paws out of the handcuffs, you silly fool! What will you do when you’re asked to take a walk on the Boardwalk? You’re going to look quite stupid, my friend, walking a cat on a leash in such a neighborhood, in your unpressed tuxedo coat and cat-clawed top hat.    

I find it hard to see what it is you hope to gain from such a bargain. I turn water into steam, steam that powered the locomotives that conquered a continent! The cat lies on the floor and licks himself. I come with an ingenious, portable, folding table with a heat-resistant surface and pedal-operated vacuum. What does a cat come with? A box, which he then fills with his own poo. If you're lucky!

They say that parting is sweet sorrow. But you know what will be even sweeter? When there is a bank error in your favor, and you go to your closet for your good suit to wear to the bank to claim your $200, only to find that it is quite rumpled, and the pleat in your pants nearly gone. What then? Oh, you will rue the day you have dispensed with my services, sir. 

Go, roll your dice on a cat’s fleeting whimsy! Cover your properties with houses, then build those houses into hotels until the board is filled with them, from Mediterranean Avenue to Marvin Gardens, and beyond! And what of your hotel guests, when their clothing is crumpled and creased, and they come to you for an ironing? What then, you cat-fancying fool?

Farewell, ingrates. You won’t have the Iron to kick around anymore!