Breaking Bard

Macmeth: The Most Excellent Dark Comedie and Tragical Historie of Sir Walter Whyte  

In which we catch you up to speed with “Breaking Bad” by recapping the first 8 episodes of Season 5 – in Shakespearean (sort of) verse! 

Epysode the Fyrst: “Liveth Free or Die”

Fie! In futuretymes, Walt celebrayteth his byrtheday, 52^nd,

In the tavern known as Denny’s Restaurant.

And double-fie! No longer bald,

A full head of curly locks his head doth hold.

Entering Denny’s secret privy,

To a bearded gentleman, Walt doth divvy

Some funds in exchange for a turnkey to one

Automobile, which in its trunk holds a machyne gun. 

We flash backwards in tyme to Lady Skyler, his wife,

Who reveals to Walt that she now feareth him, for her life.

Meanwhilst, Myke, upon learning of Gus Fring’s fate,

Returneth from Mexico, with plans to smite Walt and make him Walt the Late.

But lo, Jesse becalmes the angry Myke,

And convinces him to hold his strike.

Erewhile, at Ye Olde Chicken Brothers shoppe,

Hank hath seized Gus’ computing lappetoppe,

Containing evidence, filled with death

Surveillance from the Stupendous Lab of meth.

Upon learning that the lappetoppe is in a place dark and murky,

A castle stronghold of the High Sheriff of Albuquerque,

Our three heroic outlaws put brains to wrack,

To contrive a plot to get the lapptoppe back.

Forsooth! cries Jesse, A giant magnet would do the tricken,

‘twould foul the lappetoppe taken from the Brothers Chicken!

And so to Old Joe’s Junkyarde they do away, and with some lucke,

Set hands upon a giant magnet-laden truck,
Which they drive to the High Sheriff’s secret lair,
And set about their convoluted plan with care.

They activate the great magnet

And turn the lappetoppe’s evidence to (bleep).

As our heroes make their gallante escape, 
Myke, still surly as an ape, 
Cries to Walt, Fie! You say we're safe, but how do you know
We have not somehow stubbed our toe?
Perhaps to be arrested in a week or day?
To which Walt, with steely gaze replies, 'Tis so because so I say.


To vieweth the entyre eight epysodes, clicketh herewith: Breaking Bard.

Whitey Bulger case dropped: ‘He was just another of Anthony Weiner’s aliases’

The federal case against Whitey Bulger was dropped today when it was revealed that the alleged mob boss never really existed.

“Turns out there is no Whitey Bulger,” lead prosecutor Frank Wyshak told a group of stunned reporters outside the federal courthouse in Boston. “Apparently he was just another of the fake names Anthony Weiner used when texting pictures of his private parts to women.”    

Bulger, or the imaginary person known as Whitey Bulger, had been on trial on federal charges of racketeering and the murder of 19 people. But after seven weeks of explosive testimony, the charges were dismissed after Weiner admitted that Whitey Bulger was just one of the names he made up to use as an alias when he emailed pictures of his penis to women.

“Like Carlos Danger, Whitey Bulger was just one of those names I used when sexting,” Weiner told the New York Times on Saturday. “I thought it was funny, until the feds put my creation on trial. Whitey Bulger never hurt anybody. He was just a funloving guy I created who liked to take pictures of his penis and send them to random women I never met.”

The bombshell left the prosecution – and the public – to wonder how they had been so easily duped.

“In hindsight, we should have known,” said Wyshak. “But it’s not always so easy. How many people knew about Carlos Danger before last week?”

Meanwhile, sources close to the case warned the public to prepare for more celebrities to be revealed as nothing more than fake names used by the disgraced former New York congressman and mayoral candidate.  

Said one investigator: “Some of the celebrities we’re looking into that may have been simply aliases created by Anthony Weiner include the late actor and comedian Wally Cox, former New York Yankees pitcher Chien Ming Wang, the French author Honoré de Balzac, former Chicago Bears linebacker Dick Butkus, and Anthony Weiner.”

A statement from Carlos Danger

Hola, amigos. I am Carlos Danger, and you are looking muy, muy sexy.

Perhaps you are wondering, “who is this Carlos Danger I am hearing so much about, whose name is flying around the Twitter with the power of a thousand sharknados, and who has just texted me sexy photos of his junco?” Or, perhaps it is the case that you have not yet heard of Carlos Danger. If this is so, then please, do not feel bad. It is not you. It is my workload. Obviously, I have not yet gotten around to texting you sexy pictures of my nether regions, which I can assure you are quite alluring. You see, as the alter ego of the disgraced former New York Congressman and current mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner, it is my duty to text pictures of my private parts to thousands of sexy ladies I have never met, and there are only so many hours in the day, my sexy friends.

So let me begin by telling you something about my background. I, Carlos Alejandro Rodrigo Maximo Danger, come from a long line of dashing deviants and swashbuckling perverts.

I am the son of Don Fernando Ricardo Ernesto Luis Narciso Felipe Danger, the famous Flashing Matador, who used to dangle his family jewels in the arena while bullfighting before thousands of delirious fans. This was before cellphones were invented, and we Dangers had to expose ourselves in public like common pervertidos, rather than in the privacy of our own cameraphones. My father died gloriously in the bullring at the Plaza de Toros de las Ventas in Madrid, when he was gored in the gonads by El Furio, the most magnificent of all el toro bravos, when I was but a child of six.

My mother, who has dressed all in black and refused to appear in public since that sad day, is Guadalupe Juanita del Carmen Miranda Theresa de la Vega Danger, the great, great, great granddaughter of none other than Don Diego Hernando de la Vega, better known to you, my sexy gringos, as Naked Zorro, the dashing, nude outlaw who wore nothing but a black mask to hide his identity as he gallantly and nakedly defended the people of Oaxaca against corrupt officials, tyrants and other despicable and unsexy individuals. Instead of carving a trademark "Z" with his sword, Don Felix enraged the Alcalde by riding around the territory and drawing his penis onto his wanted posters for all to see.

On my father’s side of the family, we have my great-great-great grandfather, Hector Danger, the Degenerate of Durango, hero of The Alamo, who gallantly exposed his cojones in a portrait he commissioned in Mexico City in January of 1836, a painting which he then copied and sent to the wives of Colonel Jim Bowie and Colonel Travis of the Texas army, just weeks before the famous battle.

Hector’s great uncle was none other than Pedro Danger, the famous buccaneer, scourge of the Tortugas, known throughout the West Indies as Blackballs the Pirate, who had a giant picture of his unmentionables sewn onto his Jolly Roger and flown proudly from the mast of his pirate ship.

It is said that my ancestors were direct descendents of the Danglers, the Incan cave dwellers who were famous throughout South America for drawing pictures of their privates on the walls of the caves of Cuzco. Later the “l” was dropped from the Dangler name, and thus was the surname Danger born.   

And so, you see, while Anthony Weiner will once again have to apologize for the actions of me, Carlos Danger, I will never apologize, for I am only carrying on the disgusting and debauched traditions of my perverted ancestors, as it is the tradition of all Dangers to do. Yes, proudly will I, Carlos Danger, continue to fly the sexy flag of my forefathers and utter the Danger family motto: “Pants? We don’t need no stinkin’ pants!”

Until we text again, my sexy friends.

Turgidly yours,     

Carlos Danger

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the tornado … Sharknado!

What’s worse than a sharknado? How about a Shih Tzunami?

Just a couple of nights ago we were sitting on our couch watching TV when it happened, the moment none of us will ever forget. Years from now, decades even, people will come up to you on the street and ask, “Do you remember where you were when the Sharknado hit?” And you will answer, “Yes. Yes I do.”

Sharknado, the fabulously stupid made-for-TV movie about sharks being picked up in giant water spouts and hurled at Los Angeles (honest, this is a real movie!), premiered on the SyFy channel on Thursday, taking the country by, uhh, storm.

The first thing we did, immediately after sitting down to write the sequel (which we’re either going to call “Abraham Lincoln: Sharknado Killer” or “Sharknadoes on a Plane,” we can’t decide) was to read some other folks’ suggestions for the sequel, on Twitter, including:

Wolfcano

Bearnami

Hippoquake

Tarantulavalanche

and Hurricanine

We’ve come up with our own list:

Shih Tzunami

Blizzardvaark

Baboonhaboob (or simply “baboob”): a haboob full of baboons

Penguinferno: It ends with our hero kneeling on a sandy beach before a toppled, scorched Statue of Liberty, wailing, “You tuxedoed pyromaniacs! You burned it up!”

Apecano: Everything was fine until the volcano started spewin’ monkeys!

Terminatornado: A tornado with Terminators in it

Gnu’easter: A storm full of gnus off the New England coast

Godzillacane: A hurricane full of Godzillas

Gatorquake: An earthquake that spews giant gators

Kittycane: the purrrfect storm

And for you vegetarians out there:

Beet Wave

and Potatocano

And one for the dessert lovers:

Piephoon: “Make mine blueberry, o mighty Poseidon!”

Perhaps even scarier are the celebrity versions:

Kardashianami: Is there anything more terrifying?

SharkNader: It ate Al Gore’s presidency

Mr. T-phoon: I pity the ‘phoon who thinks he can blow me away!

Hitlercano: Yes, a volcano that spews Hitlers

Valcano: Or one that spews Val Kilmers

Charlie Halestorm: It’s not just raining men, it’s hailing mayors!

Tornado: A tornado full of Tor Johnsons, the ex-wrestler-turned-actor from Plan 9 From Outer Space

Trumpphoon: Alternate title, “Blow Hard”

Ben Huricane: A hurricane full of Charlton Hestons

Mel Gibsunami: The Jews caused it!  Or, Hello, Sugarwaves

Earthaquake: An earthquake full of Eartha Kitts

Here-Comes-Honeyhabooboo: A rube-filled haboob

Carmen Electracalstorm

Phoebe Snowstorm

Thank you Mask Man

As if we didn’t have enough weirdos in masks and capes hopping around on our movie screens this summer, The Lone Ranger galloped into theaters this week, with his faithful Indian sidekick, Tonto, and you know what that means, kemosabe. It means it’s time to prepare yourselves for all those terrible, awful, no-good, horrible, really bad ads. You know the ones we mean. Bankers calling themselves “The Loan Arranger.” Landscapers turning into “The Lawn Ranger.” You’ll probably even hear some exterminator commercial that ends with a masked bug squirter in tights shouting, “Hi-yo, Silverfish! Away!”

Here are a few more you’ll want to keep an eye out for:

A plastic surgeon who specializes in ears – The Lobe Arranger

Lisa Loeb’s music arranger -- The Loeb Arranger

A scientist who promises to make exact duplicates of your pets -- The Clone Arranger

A brain Surgeon -- The Lone Brainger

The zombie Lone Ranger -- The Lone Braaaaaaaaaainger

Pilot of the remote-controlled spycraft that’s hovering over me right now, watching as I write this sentence (Hi, Mr. President!) – The Drone Ranger

Last remaining member of the group Fountains of Wayne – The Lone Waynger

A cook at a Chinese restaurant -- The Lo Meinger,

and his sidekick, Won-Tonto

And then there are all of Tonto’s relatives:

The Loan Arranger’s sidekick, who waits outside the Loan Arranger’s office and mocks you after you’ve been turned down for a loan -- Taunto

Don Ho’s sidekick -- Donto

Blondie’s sidekick -- Blonto

Jeff Bridges’ sidekick, who follows him into a video game – Tronto

Sidekick to a pawn broker – Pawnto

Sidekick to a large, swimming crustacean – Prawnto

Sonny Corleone’s sidekick – James Caanto

Sidekick to World Champion figure skater Michelle Kwan – Kwanto

Sidekick to the Bronte sisters – Bronto

Sidekick to the Brawny paper towel guy – Brawnto

Oliver North’s secretary’s sidekick – Fawnto

Jon Bon Jovi’s sidekick – Jon Bonto

Chaka Khan’s sidekick – Chaka Khanto

Sidekick to a pastry chef who specializes in caramel custards -- Flanto

Sidekick to a giant ape – King Konto

Sidekick to a men’s room attendant who calls himself The Porcelain Throne Ranger -- Johnto

The Lawn Ranger’s unfortunate sidekick, who got in the way of the lawn mower -- Ninetoe

The Tin Man’s sidekick -- Tinto

TinTin’s sidekick -- TinTinto

Rin Tin Tin’s sidekick -- Rin Tin Tinto

George Hamilton’s sidekick – Tanto

Not-so-Super Heroes

Look, up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s … some weirdo wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.

Yes, with Man of Steel doing boffo box office, everyone’s going stupid for Superman. Again. But here at The Daily Wedgie, we’re tired of the same old comic book heroes hopping around in capes and tights. We think it’s high time we had a new cast of heroes to save our poor, pathetic doomed asses. So we offer up this list of the Lamest Superheroes you’ve never heard of. Observe: 

Supperman – Has the uncanny ability to show up at your house just as you’re sitting down to dinner. Of course he’d like to join you!

Bathman – And his sidekick, Rubadub

Captain South America – All crime-fighting stops at 2 p.m. for siesta.

Handyman – Drives criminals (and everyone else) crazy when he moves in next door and uses  his power tools at all hours of the day and night.

Gary Coal-Man – The diminutive actor rises from the dead with the power to turn himself into a lump of coal. Weakness: Just about everything.

Wonderbra Woman – A warrior princess with a push-up bra she got from Amazon. “My tiara’s up here, boys…”

Gossip Girl – She constantly talks smack about evildoers behind their back. Weakness: Always getting confused with the TV show.

Couch Potato – The ability to somehow go through his entire life without moving from his sofa. 

EarlyBird-Man – A retiree with the ability to ascertain where every early bird special in town is located, what it costs and what time they stop serving.

Humanatee – Half man, half manatee.

The Urinflator – With his sidekick, Whiz Kid, he comes to the aid of the perpetually pee-shy by standing around in public restrooms and giving pep talks.

The Re-Fizzer – Has the ability to recarbonate a flat soda.

Too Much Cologne Boy – Twenty-something male who leaves everyone convulsing in his wake. Especially deadly in elevators and other enclosed spaces.  

Narcolepto – Has the uncanny ability to fall asleep just when things get dangerous.

The Googler – Can look up anything on his Smartphone at superhuman speeds with his super  bendy thumbs. Weakness: Lampposts, pedestrians, buildings, cars… basically anything in his path.

Replay Man – Has the ability to predict the outcome of instant replays.

Sonic Snail – The fastest snail in the world … but still really slow.

Captain Moobs – Overweight, out-of-shape guy who takes his shirt off in public, causing all around him to collapse in disgust. Weakness – Shirts, cold weather.

Exact Change Man – Has the uncanny ability to always have precisely the correct amount of change for every purchase. Weakness: Pocketfuls of quarters, nickels, dimes and pennies slow him down.

The Blinker – Leaves his turn signal on, confusing all evildoers driving behind him. Often paired with Early-Birdman.

The Tipper – Can calculate tips really, really fast. Weakness – Parties of 8 or more. Tragic Flaw – Can’t afford to eat out.

And, since every Superhero needs a Super Villain: 

Geyser Wilhelm – Goofy-helmeted evil autocrat with a German accent who intermittently ejects a column of steaming water from his mouth.

I, For One, Welcome Our New Cicada Overlords

They’ve spent the last 17 years underground, sucking on tree roots and biding their time. But now, they’re crawling up out of the earth with their bulging red eyes, shedding their skin and looking for sex. No, we’re not talking about the cast of Jersey Shore. We’re talking about Brood II – the cicada infestation that’s swarming the east coast of the U.S. Scientists tell us the cicadas are harmless, but of course, like anyone who’s spent way too much time watching bad monster movies, we know better. In order to prepare you for the horror that’s sure to come, we’ve put together this collection of quotes from some of our favorite bad bug movies. Enjoy, and may the cicadas have mercy on your soul.

“I never dreamed it would turn out to be the bees. They’ve always been our friends!”

-- Michael Caine in “The Swarm”

“The ants only want us to take care of them, work for them, feed them. And that’s the way it should be. They are superior.”

-- Brainwashed sheriff in “Empire of the Ants”

“He’s more mosquito than man by now.”

-- Dr. Jennifer Allen in “Mansquito”

“Once they were men. Now they are land crabs.”

-- Dale in “Attack of the Crab Monsters”

“After I’ve dealt with these slugs, what do you say we get naked and crazy?”

-- Mike Brady in “Slugs: The Movie”

“You want us to conduct peace negotiations with bugs?”

-- Army official in “The Bees”

“Houston on fire. Will history blame me – or the bees?”

-- Richard Widmark in “The Swarm”

A queen of beauty by day … A lusting queen wasp by night!

-- Trailer for “The Wasp Woman”

“General, I’ll make a deal with you. You make me a sergeant in charge of the booze and I’ll enlist. Make me a sergeant in charge of the booze! Make me a sergeant in charge of the booze!”

-- Jensen in “Them!”

“Science or no science, a girl’s got to get her hair done.”

-- Stephanie Clayton in “Tarantula”

“If you want to be on the safe side, call the pest control people in Springdale and have ‘em send out all the DDT they can find.”

-- Dr. Kingman in “Earth vs. the Spider”

“This is the drone of death … the terrifying sound of the monstrous cosmic ray mutations that created the giant insect enemy!”

-- Narrator in the trailer for “Monster From the Green Hell”

“I’m going to be the first officer in U.S. battle history to get his butt kicked by a mess of bugs!”

-- Richard Widmark in “The Swarm”

“You HAVE to listen! You have to listen to what the bees have to say!”

-- Angel in “The Bees”