Republican candidates accuse each other of being kind, human at testy debate

Republican frontrunner Mitt Romney shared the stage Thursday night with seven other presidential candidates in a contentious Iowa debate — which found the underdogs jabbing at each other, vying for the number two spot.

Former Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty, who is struggling to gain traction, went after Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann, accusing her of having “crazy eyes” and being "soft on gays.”

"Your husband looks like a cross between Stuart Smalley and Captain Kangaroo!” Pawlenty squealed.

Bachmann, who has risen in polls since entering the race this summer, quickly responded with a list of what she called Pawlenty's liberal policies when he was Minnesota's governor, including his support for legislation to curb industrial emissions and help the poor.

"You tried to stop factories from dumping poisonous goo into our rivers, and you supported giving food to starving old people," she told Pawlenty, while the partisan Republican crowd booed and hissed. "That sounds a lot like Barack Obama if you ask me.”

But the two Minnesotans weren’t the only candidates to trade insults. Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich attacked Godfather’s Pizza founder Herman Cain, accusing Cain of hiring minorities. “You even paid your employees a few cents above minimum wage, in several instances,” said Gingrich, as the crowd gasped. “And, in 1995, after you’d made millions, you actually paid taxes.”

“Oh yeah?” Cain fired back. “How much did you spend at Tiffany’s this week, fat boy?”

“Not a dime,” snipped Gingrich. “My wife and I were on one of our yachts, on a private cruise to Greece.”

Meanwhile former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum sniped at John Huntsman, accusing Huntsman – who until recently served as President Obama’s Ambassador to China – of “palling around with terrorists: the Obamas.”

“I’ve seen pictures of you sitting and eating dinner with the Chinese,” said Santorum. “Are you prepared to tell the American people tonight that you’re not a Communist?”

When Huntsman explained that he was simply fulfilling his duties as the Ambassador to China at the time, Santorum responded, “As a proud American, I am not ashamed to say that I don’t know what an Ambassador is.”

Bachmann, meanwhile, took jabs at Huntsman’s record while he was Governor of Utah. “Did you or did you not sign legislation that funded a program – paid for with taxpayer dollars -- allowing legless orphans to get discounts on wooden legs?”

But the candidates saved their most pointed barbs for the front runner, Romney. At one point, Gingrich ridiculed Romney’s background as an executive with Bain Capital. “When you were at Bain, your modus operandi was to buy out companies, then lay off thousands of workers.”

“Yes,” said Romney. “It was essential to maximize profits.”

“I have no problem with that,” smirked Gingrich. “But why didn’t you fire everyone? You could have made even more money? And you expect us to believe that you’re a real Republican?”

Moments later, Bachmann harangued Romney for being anti-gun. “When you were Governor of Taxachusetts,” Bachmann said, playing to the crowd, “did you push for legislation making it mandatory for schoolkids to bring firearms to class?”

When Romney admitted he had not, Bachmann demanded to know why, saying, “How the heck are our children supposed to defend themselves from the government, if you’re denying them their second amendment rights as citizens?”

And Texas rep. Ron Paul brought up an unfounded report, decades old, that Romney once helped a blind lady cross the road. Romney denied the charge, saying that he and the woman just happened to be crossing the street at the same time.

The debate was nearly overshadowed by Texas Gov. Rick Perry, who stole some of the spotlight from afar by making it known hours before the debate that he was running for the GOP nomination. Perry was unable to attend the debate, however, as he was instead co-hosting a “Pray Away the Recession” event in Houston with the American Family Association, a group of rabidly anti-gay Christian fundamentalists who believe that, among other things, Oprah is the Antichrist’s Sister-in-Law, gay marriage caused birds to fall from the sky in Arkansas, Hitler was sent by Jesus to stop Jews from selling condoms to Europe’s schoolchildren, and the Japanese earthquake happened because the Emperor slept with Godzilla.

As for his Presidential bid, Perry said, “The time is right for a gun-totin’, brush-clearin’, cowboy-boot wearin’ imbecile Governor from Texas to run the country. What could go wrong?”

Republicans Release Economy, Details of Kidnapping Emerge

Congress passed the emergency debt limit increase today, and after President Obama signed it into law, the Republicans released the economy, ending the nearly six-week kidnapping ordeal. It was found lying in a brush-covered ditch outside former President George W. Bush’s Crawford, Texas, ranch Tuesday afternoon by a Boy Scout troop on a bird-watching expedition.

“The economy is weakened, starved, dehydrated and bleeding from thousands of cuts inflicted upon it by its kidnappers,” said an FBI spokesman. “It was taken to Parkland Hospital in Dallas, where it was placed on life support.” Hospital officials said the economy is in ICU, and is listed in grave condition.

Meanwhile, as the nation turned its unemployed eyes on an economy struggling to survive, new details of the kidnapping emerged.

On June 18, President Obama asked Congress to raise the nation’s debt ceiling, as it has done 102 times simply and without drama since 1917. In response, the White House received a ransom note written with cutout letters from various newspapers. (The FBI has since identified the newspapers used as The Wall Street Journal, The New York Post, and Britain’s now-defunct News of the World, all owned by disgraced tycoon Ruppert Murdoch).

The note read:

“WE HAVE THE ECONOMY. WE HAVE STRAPPED A LARGE VOLUME OF HIGH EXPLOSIVES TO ITS BODY. IF YOU WANT TO SEE IT ALIVE AGAIN, PACKAGE 2 TRILLION DOLLARS IN UNMARKED ENTITLEMENT PROGRAMS, REGULATORY AGENCIES (CLEAN AIR, CLEAN WATER, ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION, FOOD INSPECTORS, FINANCIAL REGULATION, ETC.) AS WELL AS PLANNED PARENTHOOD, NPR, EDUCATION SPENDING, TRANSPORTATION FUNDING – AND BRING IT TO JOHN BOEHNER’S OFFICE AT MIDNIGHT. COME ALONE. IF WE SEE EVEN ONE TAX INCREASE ON THE RICH, THE ECONOMY GETS IT! IF WE FIND ANY DEVICES IN THE PACKAGE -- SUCH AS DEFENSE CUTS OR CUTS IN TAX LOOPHOLES FOR THE RICH – LIKE THE ONE FOR CORPORATE JETS OR CUTS IN SUBSIDIES FOR OIL COMPANIES – KABOOM! WE MEAN BUSINESS! NO FUNNY STUFF.”

Despite being urged to use the many weapons at his disposal to fight the kidnappers, President Obama instead chose to pay the ransom.

But even as one ransom was being paid, House Republicans announced that they have taken another hostage: the FAA. Authorities announced that, indeed, more than 32,000 workers – including safety inspectors – are missing. Officials confirmed that Republicans have sent another ransom note, demanding that the Senate dismantle aviation and rail workers’ unions in exchange for setting the FAA free. In the meantime, $200 million a week is being added to the deficit because airline ticket taxes can’t be collected, 4,000 FAA workers have been furloughed, and $2.5 billion in airport construction projects put on hold, with 87,000 construction workers also furloughed.

President Obama, meanwhile, has reportedly been hospitalized with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.

“He’s delirious,” said a concerned White House spokesman. “Mrs. Obama found him huddled in a corner of the oval office, waving a white flag and muttering about compromise.”