Republicans Release Economy, Details of Kidnapping Emerge

Congress passed the emergency debt limit increase today, and after President Obama signed it into law, the Republicans released the economy, ending the nearly six-week kidnapping ordeal. It was found lying in a brush-covered ditch outside former President George W. Bush’s Crawford, Texas, ranch Tuesday afternoon by a Boy Scout troop on a bird-watching expedition.

“The economy is weakened, starved, dehydrated and bleeding from thousands of cuts inflicted upon it by its kidnappers,” said an FBI spokesman. “It was taken to Parkland Hospital in Dallas, where it was placed on life support.” Hospital officials said the economy is in ICU, and is listed in grave condition.

Meanwhile, as the nation turned its unemployed eyes on an economy struggling to survive, new details of the kidnapping emerged.

On June 18, President Obama asked Congress to raise the nation’s debt ceiling, as it has done 102 times simply and without drama since 1917. In response, the White House received a ransom note written with cutout letters from various newspapers. (The FBI has since identified the newspapers used as The Wall Street Journal, The New York Post, and Britain’s now-defunct News of the World, all owned by disgraced tycoon Ruppert Murdoch).

The note read:

“WE HAVE THE ECONOMY. WE HAVE STRAPPED A LARGE VOLUME OF HIGH EXPLOSIVES TO ITS BODY. IF YOU WANT TO SEE IT ALIVE AGAIN, PACKAGE 2 TRILLION DOLLARS IN UNMARKED ENTITLEMENT PROGRAMS, REGULATORY AGENCIES (CLEAN AIR, CLEAN WATER, ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION, FOOD INSPECTORS, FINANCIAL REGULATION, ETC.) AS WELL AS PLANNED PARENTHOOD, NPR, EDUCATION SPENDING, TRANSPORTATION FUNDING – AND BRING IT TO JOHN BOEHNER’S OFFICE AT MIDNIGHT. COME ALONE. IF WE SEE EVEN ONE TAX INCREASE ON THE RICH, THE ECONOMY GETS IT! IF WE FIND ANY DEVICES IN THE PACKAGE -- SUCH AS DEFENSE CUTS OR CUTS IN TAX LOOPHOLES FOR THE RICH – LIKE THE ONE FOR CORPORATE JETS OR CUTS IN SUBSIDIES FOR OIL COMPANIES – KABOOM! WE MEAN BUSINESS! NO FUNNY STUFF.”

Despite being urged to use the many weapons at his disposal to fight the kidnappers, President Obama instead chose to pay the ransom.

But even as one ransom was being paid, House Republicans announced that they have taken another hostage: the FAA. Authorities announced that, indeed, more than 32,000 workers – including safety inspectors – are missing. Officials confirmed that Republicans have sent another ransom note, demanding that the Senate dismantle aviation and rail workers’ unions in exchange for setting the FAA free. In the meantime, $200 million a week is being added to the deficit because airline ticket taxes can’t be collected, 4,000 FAA workers have been furloughed, and $2.5 billion in airport construction projects put on hold, with 87,000 construction workers also furloughed.

President Obama, meanwhile, has reportedly been hospitalized with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.

“He’s delirious,” said a concerned White House spokesman. “Mrs. Obama found him huddled in a corner of the oval office, waving a white flag and muttering about compromise.”