Supreme Court Rules Money Is People, Can Vote

WASHINGTON – The Supreme Court ruled Monday that money is people, and has the right to vote.

In a 5-4 decision, the Court held that, “Money is, essentially and in all ways,  legally and otherwise, equal to people, under the law. Money has feelings. It gets sad when you spend it on dumb things like taxes to pay for social welfare programs, electric cars, or Sean Penn movies.”

The ruling goes on to state that “since money is human, it has the right to free speech and all other rights inherent to citizens of the United States, including the right to vote, so long as it is American money and not a foreign currency, such as the peso.”

On the presidential campaign trail, Republican Challenger Mitt Romney, currently touring the Midwest on his “Iron Jeans Express” campaign bus, seemed pleased with the ruling. Holding up a fistful of $1,000 bills, Romney told a crowd in Lansing, Mich., “My money is happy, and I just realized something. You people don’t matter any more. Finally I can roll my sleeves back down and stop eating in your crappy diners!”

Appearing beside Romney, billionaire casino magnate Sheldon Adelson, who has donated at least $60 million to Republicans since the presidential campaign began, said he has already begun the process of transferring his money into several key swing states in time for the November election. “I’ve got 25 billion dollars,” Adelson said. “And every one of them hates Obama!”

Still, Romney wasn’t fully satisfied. “The court didn’t go far enough,” he told reporters. “When I become President, on my first day I will sign an executive order that states that not just money, but also possessions, have the right to vote, as well. Car elevators are people, my friend!”