What If Godzilla Was One Of Us

With Godzilla stomping the box office and once again scorching everything in his path with his radioactive breath, we decided to honor the King of the Monsters by rewriting Joan Osborne’s 1990s hit “(What If God Was ) One of Us.” With all apologies to Ms. Osborne, here goes:


If Godzilla had shame, because of his breath 
Would you offer him a mint even if it meant your death
If you were faced with him and his atomic halitosis
That could turn you to ash with just one kiss
And yeah, yeah, Godzilla’s breath stinks
Yeah, yeah, Godzilla’s breath reeks
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
What if Godzilla was one of us?
Just a slob like one of us?
He’d be all cramped riding on the bus
Trying to make his way home
From his job answering phones
At the call center in Nome

If Godzilla had to sneeze
He’d accidentally fry some guy
Who just happened to be
Sitting in a seat nearby, and then he would be
Feeling stupid and remorseful and filled with self-loathing
And all apologies
And yeah, yeah, Godzilla’s life stinks
Yeah, yeah, Godzilla’s life reeks
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
What if Godzilla was one of us?
Just a slob like one of us?
He’d be all cramped riding on the bus
Trying to make his way home
From his job answering phones
At a call center in Nome
Back to the ocean all alone
Nobody callin' on the phone
'Cept for the Pope, maybe, in Rome
Or someone else who randomly rhymes with phone
Like maybe this Osborne singer Joan
Or our old friend Fred Flintstone
Or maybe even Sharon Stone
Or someone from The Game of Thrones

And yeah, yeah, Godzilla’s breath stinks
Yeah, yeah, Godzilla’s breath reeks
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
What if Godzilla was one of us?
Just a slob like one of us?
Instead of eating people on the bus
He has to act all serious
When the boss comes in the room
Hoping lunchtime comes real soon
Just trying to listen to his iTunes
On his little white headphones
Just trying to make his way home
Nobody callin’ on the phone
‘Cept for maybe Franchot Tone