Carrying signs declaring “We are the 1%!” and “Free Bernie Madoff,” more than 20 billionaire bankers, war profiteers and tycoons gathered outside a Bronx soup kitchen to protest what they called “high taxes and regulations” on the nation’s richest citizens.
The billionaire industrialist Koch brothers – worth $25 billion apiece -- marched hand-in-hand, singing the 1940’s coal mining song, “Sixteen Tons,” while candy bar heiress Jacqueline Mars plucked a golden harp.
“We’ve been here for more than twenty minutes, and we’re not leaving anytime soon,” said media mogul Ruppert Murdoch, who carried a sign that read, “Tax the Poor.”
"That's right," said David Koch. "We're sick and tired of these poor people whining about low pay and unemployment. Why don't they pull themselves up by their bootstraps, like my brother and I did? Why, we were barely billionaires when we inherited diddums' oil fortune. But we rolled up our sleeves and went to work, bribing politicians and officials, and in the past decade, our net wealth has skyrocketed! Why can't those wretched 99 percenters do something like that?"
Meanwhile, other marchers warned that the movement would spread. “This is only the beginning,” said Donald Trump. “Zuckerberg and (Google founder Eric) Schmidt are marching in California, and we’ve heard that several Sheikhs have gathered in Saudi Arabia.”
After about an hour, billionaire Mayor Michael Bloomberg arrived in the back of a limousine with lunch for the protesters -- a silver bucket of caviar and bottles of champagne -- which was served to the protesters by two NYPD officers wearing white gloves.
The billionaires then sat around tables covered in white tablecloths to eat and drink. Hedge-fund manager Steve Cohen yelled, “Fight the weak!” as he stuffed his mouth with caviar.
“Power to the bosses! More blood for oil!” yelled Wal-Mart chairman S. Robson Walton, thrusting his soft, pink fist into the air.
After finishing lunch, the whole group then sang a rousing chorus of “We Shall Underpay,” before piling into their various chauffeur-driven Rolls Royces and driving off, vowing to return.
picture
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Friday, August 12, 2011
Republican candidates accuse each other of being kind, human at testy debate
Republican frontrunner Mitt Romney shared the stage Thursday night with seven other presidential candidates in a contentious Iowa debate — which found the underdogs jabbing at each other, vying for the number two spot.
Former Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty, who is struggling to gain traction, went after Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann, accusing her of having “crazy eyes” and being "soft on gays.”
"Your husband looks like a cross between Stuart Smalley and Captain Kangaroo!” Pawlenty squealed.
Bachmann, who has risen in polls since entering the race this summer, quickly responded with a list of what she called Pawlenty's liberal policies when he was Minnesota's governor, including his support for legislation to curb industrial emissions and help the poor.
"You tried to stop factories from dumping poisonous goo into our rivers, and you supported giving food to starving old people," she told Pawlenty, while the partisan Republican crowd booed and hissed. "That sounds a lot like Barack Obama if you ask me.”
But the two Minnesotans weren’t the only candidates to trade insults. Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich attacked Godfather’s Pizza founder Herman Cain, accusing Cain of hiring minorities. “You even paid your employees a few cents above minimum wage, in several instances,” said Gingrich, as the crowd gasped. “And, in 1995, after you’d made millions, you actually paid taxes.”
“Oh yeah?” Cain fired back. “How much did you spend at Tiffany’s this week, fat boy?”
“Not a dime,” snipped Gingrich. “My wife and I were on one of our yachts, on a private cruise to Greece.”
Meanwhile former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum sniped at John Huntsman, accusing Huntsman – who until recently served as President Obama’s Ambassador to China – of “palling around with terrorists: the Obamas.”
“I’ve seen pictures of you sitting and eating dinner with the Chinese,” said Santorum. “Are you prepared to tell the American people tonight that you’re not a Communist?”
When Huntsman explained that he was simply fulfilling his duties as the Ambassador to China at the time, Santorum responded, “As a proud American, I am not ashamed to say that I don’t know what an Ambassador is.”
Bachmann, meanwhile, took jabs at Huntsman’s record while he was Governor of Utah. “Did you or did you not sign legislation that funded a program – paid for with taxpayer dollars -- allowing legless orphans to get discounts on wooden legs?”
But the candidates saved their most pointed barbs for the front runner, Romney. At one point, Gingrich ridiculed Romney’s background as an executive with Bain Capital. “When you were at Bain, your modus operandi was to buy out companies, then lay off thousands of workers.”
“Yes,” said Romney. “It was essential to maximize profits.”
“I have no problem with that,” smirked Gingrich. “But why didn’t you fire everyone? You could have made even more money? And you expect us to believe that you’re a real Republican?”
Moments later, Bachmann harangued Romney for being anti-gun. “When you were Governor of Taxachusetts,” Bachmann said, playing to the crowd, “did you push for legislation making it mandatory for schoolkids to bring firearms to class?”
When Romney admitted he had not, Bachmann demanded to know why, saying, “How the heck are our children supposed to defend themselves from the government, if you’re denying them their second amendment rights as citizens?”
And Texas rep. Ron Paul brought up an unfounded report, decades old, that Romney once helped a blind lady cross the road. Romney denied the charge, saying that he and the woman just happened to be crossing the street at the same time.
The debate was nearly overshadowed by Texas Gov. Rick Perry, who stole some of the spotlight from afar by making it known hours before the debate that he was running for the GOP nomination. Perry was unable to attend the debate, however, as he was instead co-hosting a “Pray Away the Recession” event in Houston with the American Family Association, a group of rabidly anti-gay Christian fundamentalists who believe that, among other things, Oprah is the Antichrist’s Sister-in-Law, gay marriage caused birds to fall from the sky in Arkansas, Hitler was sent by Jesus to stop Jews from selling condoms to Europe’s schoolchildren, and the Japanese earthquake happened because the Emperor slept with Godzilla.
As for his Presidential bid, Perry said, “The time is right for a gun-totin’, brush-clearin’, cowboy-boot wearin’ imbecile Governor from Texas to run the country. What could go wrong?”
Former Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty, who is struggling to gain traction, went after Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann, accusing her of having “crazy eyes” and being "soft on gays.”
"Your husband looks like a cross between Stuart Smalley and Captain Kangaroo!” Pawlenty squealed.
Bachmann, who has risen in polls since entering the race this summer, quickly responded with a list of what she called Pawlenty's liberal policies when he was Minnesota's governor, including his support for legislation to curb industrial emissions and help the poor.
"You tried to stop factories from dumping poisonous goo into our rivers, and you supported giving food to starving old people," she told Pawlenty, while the partisan Republican crowd booed and hissed. "That sounds a lot like Barack Obama if you ask me.”
But the two Minnesotans weren’t the only candidates to trade insults. Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich attacked Godfather’s Pizza founder Herman Cain, accusing Cain of hiring minorities. “You even paid your employees a few cents above minimum wage, in several instances,” said Gingrich, as the crowd gasped. “And, in 1995, after you’d made millions, you actually paid taxes.”
“Oh yeah?” Cain fired back. “How much did you spend at Tiffany’s this week, fat boy?”
“Not a dime,” snipped Gingrich. “My wife and I were on one of our yachts, on a private cruise to Greece.”
Meanwhile former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum sniped at John Huntsman, accusing Huntsman – who until recently served as President Obama’s Ambassador to China – of “palling around with terrorists: the Obamas.”
“I’ve seen pictures of you sitting and eating dinner with the Chinese,” said Santorum. “Are you prepared to tell the American people tonight that you’re not a Communist?”
When Huntsman explained that he was simply fulfilling his duties as the Ambassador to China at the time, Santorum responded, “As a proud American, I am not ashamed to say that I don’t know what an Ambassador is.”
Bachmann, meanwhile, took jabs at Huntsman’s record while he was Governor of Utah. “Did you or did you not sign legislation that funded a program – paid for with taxpayer dollars -- allowing legless orphans to get discounts on wooden legs?”
But the candidates saved their most pointed barbs for the front runner, Romney. At one point, Gingrich ridiculed Romney’s background as an executive with Bain Capital. “When you were at Bain, your modus operandi was to buy out companies, then lay off thousands of workers.”
“Yes,” said Romney. “It was essential to maximize profits.”
“I have no problem with that,” smirked Gingrich. “But why didn’t you fire everyone? You could have made even more money? And you expect us to believe that you’re a real Republican?”
Moments later, Bachmann harangued Romney for being anti-gun. “When you were Governor of Taxachusetts,” Bachmann said, playing to the crowd, “did you push for legislation making it mandatory for schoolkids to bring firearms to class?”
When Romney admitted he had not, Bachmann demanded to know why, saying, “How the heck are our children supposed to defend themselves from the government, if you’re denying them their second amendment rights as citizens?”
And Texas rep. Ron Paul brought up an unfounded report, decades old, that Romney once helped a blind lady cross the road. Romney denied the charge, saying that he and the woman just happened to be crossing the street at the same time.
The debate was nearly overshadowed by Texas Gov. Rick Perry, who stole some of the spotlight from afar by making it known hours before the debate that he was running for the GOP nomination. Perry was unable to attend the debate, however, as he was instead co-hosting a “Pray Away the Recession” event in Houston with the American Family Association, a group of rabidly anti-gay Christian fundamentalists who believe that, among other things, Oprah is the Antichrist’s Sister-in-Law, gay marriage caused birds to fall from the sky in Arkansas, Hitler was sent by Jesus to stop Jews from selling condoms to Europe’s schoolchildren, and the Japanese earthquake happened because the Emperor slept with Godzilla.
As for his Presidential bid, Perry said, “The time is right for a gun-totin’, brush-clearin’, cowboy-boot wearin’ imbecile Governor from Texas to run the country. What could go wrong?”
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Republicans Release Economy, Details of Kidnapping Emerge
Congress passed the emergency debt limit increase today, and after President Obama signed it into law, the Republicans released the economy, ending the nearly six-week kidnapping ordeal. It was found lying in a brush-covered ditch outside former President George W. Bush’s Crawford, Texas, ranch Tuesday afternoon by a Boy Scout troop on a bird-watching expedition.
“The economy is weakened, starved, dehydrated and bleeding from thousands of cuts inflicted upon it by its kidnappers,” said an FBI spokesman. “It was taken to Parkland Hospital in Dallas, where it was placed on life support.” Hospital officials said the economy is in ICU, and is listed in grave condition.
Meanwhile, as the nation turned its unemployed eyes on an economy struggling to survive, new details of the kidnapping emerged.
On June 18, President Obama asked Congress to raise the nation’s debt ceiling, as it has done 102 times simply and without drama since 1917. In response, the White House received a ransom note written with cutout letters from various newspapers. (The FBI has since identified the newspapers used as The Wall Street Journal, The New York Post, and Britain’s now-defunct News of the World, all owned by disgraced tycoon Ruppert Murdoch).
The note read:
“WE HAVE THE ECONOMY. WE HAVE STRAPPED A LARGE VOLUME OF HIGH EXPLOSIVES TO ITS BODY. IF YOU WANT TO SEE IT ALIVE AGAIN, PACKAGE 2 TRILLION DOLLARS IN UNMARKED ENTITLEMENT PROGRAMS, REGULATORY AGENCIES (CLEAN AIR, CLEAN WATER, ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION, FOOD INSPECTORS, FINANCIAL REGULATION, ETC.) AS WELL AS PLANNED PARENTHOOD, NPR, EDUCATION SPENDING, TRANSPORTATION FUNDING – AND BRING IT TO JOHN BOEHNER’S OFFICE AT MIDNIGHT. COME ALONE. IF WE SEE EVEN ONE TAX INCREASE ON THE RICH, THE ECONOMY GETS IT! IF WE FIND ANY DEVICES IN THE PACKAGE -- SUCH AS DEFENSE CUTS OR CUTS IN TAX LOOPHOLES FOR THE RICH – LIKE THE ONE FOR CORPORATE JETS OR CUTS IN SUBSIDIES FOR OIL COMPANIES – KABOOM! WE MEAN BUSINESS! NO FUNNY STUFF.”
Despite being urged to use the many weapons at his disposal to fight the kidnappers, President Obama instead chose to pay the ransom.
But even as one ransom was being paid, House Republicans announced that they have taken another hostage: the FAA. Authorities announced that, indeed, more than 32,000 workers – including safety inspectors – are missing. Officials confirmed that Republicans have sent another ransom note, demanding that the Senate dismantle aviation and rail workers’ unions in exchange for setting the FAA free. In the meantime, $200 million a week is being added to the deficit because airline ticket taxes can’t be collected, 4,000 FAA workers have been furloughed, and $2.5 billion in airport construction projects put on hold, with 87,000 construction workers also furloughed.
President Obama, meanwhile, has reportedly been hospitalized with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.
“He’s delirious,” said a concerned White House spokesman. “Mrs. Obama found him huddled in a corner of the oval office, waving a white flag and muttering about compromise.”
“The economy is weakened, starved, dehydrated and bleeding from thousands of cuts inflicted upon it by its kidnappers,” said an FBI spokesman. “It was taken to Parkland Hospital in Dallas, where it was placed on life support.” Hospital officials said the economy is in ICU, and is listed in grave condition.
Meanwhile, as the nation turned its unemployed eyes on an economy struggling to survive, new details of the kidnapping emerged.
On June 18, President Obama asked Congress to raise the nation’s debt ceiling, as it has done 102 times simply and without drama since 1917. In response, the White House received a ransom note written with cutout letters from various newspapers. (The FBI has since identified the newspapers used as The Wall Street Journal, The New York Post, and Britain’s now-defunct News of the World, all owned by disgraced tycoon Ruppert Murdoch).
The note read:
“WE HAVE THE ECONOMY. WE HAVE STRAPPED A LARGE VOLUME OF HIGH EXPLOSIVES TO ITS BODY. IF YOU WANT TO SEE IT ALIVE AGAIN, PACKAGE 2 TRILLION DOLLARS IN UNMARKED ENTITLEMENT PROGRAMS, REGULATORY AGENCIES (CLEAN AIR, CLEAN WATER, ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION, FOOD INSPECTORS, FINANCIAL REGULATION, ETC.) AS WELL AS PLANNED PARENTHOOD, NPR, EDUCATION SPENDING, TRANSPORTATION FUNDING – AND BRING IT TO JOHN BOEHNER’S OFFICE AT MIDNIGHT. COME ALONE. IF WE SEE EVEN ONE TAX INCREASE ON THE RICH, THE ECONOMY GETS IT! IF WE FIND ANY DEVICES IN THE PACKAGE -- SUCH AS DEFENSE CUTS OR CUTS IN TAX LOOPHOLES FOR THE RICH – LIKE THE ONE FOR CORPORATE JETS OR CUTS IN SUBSIDIES FOR OIL COMPANIES – KABOOM! WE MEAN BUSINESS! NO FUNNY STUFF.”
Despite being urged to use the many weapons at his disposal to fight the kidnappers, President Obama instead chose to pay the ransom.
But even as one ransom was being paid, House Republicans announced that they have taken another hostage: the FAA. Authorities announced that, indeed, more than 32,000 workers – including safety inspectors – are missing. Officials confirmed that Republicans have sent another ransom note, demanding that the Senate dismantle aviation and rail workers’ unions in exchange for setting the FAA free. In the meantime, $200 million a week is being added to the deficit because airline ticket taxes can’t be collected, 4,000 FAA workers have been furloughed, and $2.5 billion in airport construction projects put on hold, with 87,000 construction workers also furloughed.
President Obama, meanwhile, has reportedly been hospitalized with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.
“He’s delirious,” said a concerned White House spokesman. “Mrs. Obama found him huddled in a corner of the oval office, waving a white flag and muttering about compromise.”
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
New Ben & Jerry's Flavors We'd Like to See
During L.A.’s recent “Carmageddon” – the 53-hour shutdown of a 10-mile stretch of I-405 -- Ben & Jerry’s ice cream offered commuters in the Los Angeles area free scoops of the flavor, “What a Cluster.”
Really? What a Cluster? That’s the best they could do? What’s wrong with Ben & Jerry’s? Do they have brain freeze from eating too much Barack Obama's Yes Pecan? Have they just given up trying to create amusing names for their pop-culture-themed ice creams? Why not Ben & Jerry’s Caramelgeddon Crunch? Or Ben & Jerry’s Gridlox and Cream Cheese? Well, okay, there’s nuttin’ funny about those either, but you get the idea. Ben & Jerry’s isn’t even trying anymore! Has the pressure of the high-stress frozen treat business finally gotten to them? Whatever the problem, it looks like they need a little help. So we’ve come up with a list of new Ben & Jerry’s flavors we’d like to see.
Observe:
Casey Anthony’s Nut Guilty Surprise
Rum Raisin the Debt Ceiling
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Home Maid Infidelity Fudge (Rich Austrian chocolate rippled with a custardy swirl)
CaraMel Gibson’s Raging Nut Crumble
Charlie Sheen’s Fricking Rock Star from Marzipan Swirl (Whiskey-flavored ice cream with gobs of bananas and nuts, sprinkled with tiger’s blood and covered with a white mystery powder)
Donald Trump’s Coconut Combover Swirl
Harold Camping’s Raspberry Rapture Jubilee (Rich raspberry ice cream with expired dates)
Anthony Weiner’s Bulging Beefcake Surprise
John Boehner’s Orange Sherbet
- or -
John Boehner’s Hell No Pecan’t!
Justin Bieberry
Kim Kardashian’s Rump Raisin
Lindsay Lohan’s Arrested Develop-Mint
Michele Bachmann’s Old Fashioned Nut Bar
Mitt Romney’s Vanilla Smoothie (Smooth vanilla with a vanilla center, topped with vanilla frosting)
Paul Ryan’s Medicaramel Crunch (no ice cream, just vouchers you can use to buy ice cream on the open market)
Planet of the Apricots
Ruppert Murdoch’s Phone Tapuccino Explosion (Capuccino ice cream stuffed with shriveled prunes and sprinkled with $1,000 bills)
Sarah Palin’s Half-Baked Alaska
Nut Gingrich
Robert Brownie Junior
Good ‘n Pawlenty
Jim de Minthe
Glenn Beck’s Just Nuts
Andy Macarooni
Kiwi Herman
Eric Pecantor
Fudge Judy
J. Lo Pudding
Tonya Harding’s Kneecapuccino Surprise
Really? What a Cluster? That’s the best they could do? What’s wrong with Ben & Jerry’s? Do they have brain freeze from eating too much Barack Obama's Yes Pecan? Have they just given up trying to create amusing names for their pop-culture-themed ice creams? Why not Ben & Jerry’s Caramelgeddon Crunch? Or Ben & Jerry’s Gridlox and Cream Cheese? Well, okay, there’s nuttin’ funny about those either, but you get the idea. Ben & Jerry’s isn’t even trying anymore! Has the pressure of the high-stress frozen treat business finally gotten to them? Whatever the problem, it looks like they need a little help. So we’ve come up with a list of new Ben & Jerry’s flavors we’d like to see.
Observe:
Casey Anthony’s Nut Guilty Surprise
Rum Raisin the Debt Ceiling
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Home Maid Infidelity Fudge (Rich Austrian chocolate rippled with a custardy swirl)
CaraMel Gibson’s Raging Nut Crumble
Charlie Sheen’s Fricking Rock Star from Marzipan Swirl (Whiskey-flavored ice cream with gobs of bananas and nuts, sprinkled with tiger’s blood and covered with a white mystery powder)
Donald Trump’s Coconut Combover Swirl
Harold Camping’s Raspberry Rapture Jubilee (Rich raspberry ice cream with expired dates)
Anthony Weiner’s Bulging Beefcake Surprise
John Boehner’s Orange Sherbet
- or -
John Boehner’s Hell No Pecan’t!
Justin Bieberry
Kim Kardashian’s Rump Raisin
Lindsay Lohan’s Arrested Develop-Mint
Michele Bachmann’s Old Fashioned Nut Bar
Mitt Romney’s Vanilla Smoothie (Smooth vanilla with a vanilla center, topped with vanilla frosting)
Paul Ryan’s Medicaramel Crunch (no ice cream, just vouchers you can use to buy ice cream on the open market)
Planet of the Apricots
Ruppert Murdoch’s Phone Tapuccino Explosion (Capuccino ice cream stuffed with shriveled prunes and sprinkled with $1,000 bills)
Sarah Palin’s Half-Baked Alaska
Nut Gingrich
Robert Brownie Junior
Good ‘n Pawlenty
Jim de Minthe
Glenn Beck’s Just Nuts
Andy Macarooni
Kiwi Herman
Eric Pecantor
Fudge Judy
J. Lo Pudding
Tonya Harding’s Kneecapuccino Surprise
Sunday, July 24, 2011
On Dumbass Day, Republicans Refuse to Raise Debt Ceiling, Pants
Happy Dumbass Day, everybody! Yes, today the great French writer, Alexandre Dumbass (or, Dumas, as the French spell it), author of such classics as “The Three Musketeers” and “The Count of Monte Cristo,” would turn 209 years old, if he could still turn.
To celebrate Dumbass Day, Congressional Republicans, led by their Three Musketeers -- House Speaker John Boehner, Majority Leader Eric Cantor and Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell -- dropped their pants and refused to raise them again until President Obama makes the Bush tax cuts for the rich permanent.
Speaking before reporters at the Capitol, a pantsless John Boehner said: “It is absolutely essential in this economy that we not raise taxes on the job creators.”
When it was pointed out that the Bush tax cuts have been in effect for the past 10 years and yet the “job creators” have not created any jobs, Boehner threatened to drop his underwear. “I’ll do it! Don’t push me!” he said, grabbing the waistband of his tighty-whiteys.
In response, President Obama immediately walked out of the White House with his hands in the air and began turning out his pockets. He then offered his counter-proposal.
“Look, I know how tough it is for Republicans,” the President said in a hastily-called press conference on the White House lawn. “They’ve given their pledge to Grover Norquist, a portly, bearded tax cheat who spent his teenage years in the 60’s working for Richard Nixon. I mean, c’mon, how cool is that? So in order to keep Republicans from having to break that pledge to super cool Grover, that they would never, ever, ever raise taxes on millionaires and billionaires, no matter what, I’m going to give them a break, and ask the nation’s elderly and poor to shoulder all of the burden again. My offer is this: I’ll make the Bush tax cuts permanent, so that millionaires and billionaires can go on paying less in taxes than their gardeners and secretaries until the sun fizzles and drops out of the sky. But in return, the Republicans have to accept my offer: I will only slash Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid benefits by half. No more than that. Okay? Please don’t hit me.”
Meanwhile, House Republicans met with their pants around their ankles on Sunday and continued to resist any tax increases on the nation’s richest citizens and corporations, instead pushing for price hikes on student loans.
“These students are sucking off the government teat, living high on the hog on their free Top Ramen and Macaroni and Cheese, while the job creators are suffering,” said Cantor, speaking from the House floor in a Speedo. “Why, the Koch Brothers could only afford to buy three yachts last month! Three!”
Coincidentally, it was announced that the 400 richest Americans could pay off every student loan in the country and still have $370 billion left over to divvy up amongst themselves – or about $925 million per person.
The House Minority Leader scoffed at that suggestion. “They wouldn’t even be billionaires at that point,” sneered Cantor. “I mean, why go on living if you’re just going to be a lousy millionaire? It’s preposterous!”
To celebrate Dumbass Day, Congressional Republicans, led by their Three Musketeers -- House Speaker John Boehner, Majority Leader Eric Cantor and Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell -- dropped their pants and refused to raise them again until President Obama makes the Bush tax cuts for the rich permanent.
Speaking before reporters at the Capitol, a pantsless John Boehner said: “It is absolutely essential in this economy that we not raise taxes on the job creators.”
When it was pointed out that the Bush tax cuts have been in effect for the past 10 years and yet the “job creators” have not created any jobs, Boehner threatened to drop his underwear. “I’ll do it! Don’t push me!” he said, grabbing the waistband of his tighty-whiteys.
In response, President Obama immediately walked out of the White House with his hands in the air and began turning out his pockets. He then offered his counter-proposal.
“Look, I know how tough it is for Republicans,” the President said in a hastily-called press conference on the White House lawn. “They’ve given their pledge to Grover Norquist, a portly, bearded tax cheat who spent his teenage years in the 60’s working for Richard Nixon. I mean, c’mon, how cool is that? So in order to keep Republicans from having to break that pledge to super cool Grover, that they would never, ever, ever raise taxes on millionaires and billionaires, no matter what, I’m going to give them a break, and ask the nation’s elderly and poor to shoulder all of the burden again. My offer is this: I’ll make the Bush tax cuts permanent, so that millionaires and billionaires can go on paying less in taxes than their gardeners and secretaries until the sun fizzles and drops out of the sky. But in return, the Republicans have to accept my offer: I will only slash Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid benefits by half. No more than that. Okay? Please don’t hit me.”
Meanwhile, House Republicans met with their pants around their ankles on Sunday and continued to resist any tax increases on the nation’s richest citizens and corporations, instead pushing for price hikes on student loans.
“These students are sucking off the government teat, living high on the hog on their free Top Ramen and Macaroni and Cheese, while the job creators are suffering,” said Cantor, speaking from the House floor in a Speedo. “Why, the Koch Brothers could only afford to buy three yachts last month! Three!”
Coincidentally, it was announced that the 400 richest Americans could pay off every student loan in the country and still have $370 billion left over to divvy up amongst themselves – or about $925 million per person.
The House Minority Leader scoffed at that suggestion. “They wouldn’t even be billionaires at that point,” sneered Cantor. “I mean, why go on living if you’re just going to be a lousy millionaire? It’s preposterous!”
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Murderers Flock to Florida After Casey Anthony Trial, Citing World’s Dumbest Jurors
Murderers from around the world are moving to Florida after a Tampa Bay jury found Casey Anthony not guilty of murdering her 2-year-old daughter, Caylee. The jury somehow believed Anthony’s defense, that the girl drowned in the family pool and that her father, a former police officer, decided to make the death look like a homicide by placing duct tape over the child’s mouth and dumping the body in some nearby woods.
“Wow!” said Ralph Rousseau, 27, formerly of Tarzana, Calif., as he stepped off a Trailways bus in downtown Orlando. “I thought the O.J. jury was dumb, but these Florida juries take the cake. They gotta have the dumbest juries in the world here. I mean, who makes an accident look like a murder? It’s crazy! And they bought it!” Rousseau then let out a whoop, pulled out a .38-caliber handgun, and began firing. “I’m gonna blame it on Bigfoot!” he yelled.
Meanwhile, at the Miami International Airport’s Baggage Claim carousels, 57-year-old Harold Crumb was collecting his luggage after a flight from Topeka, Kan. “I plan to stab some folks, my brother-in-law and probably a few more, and blame it on the space aliens,” said Crumb. “They’ll believe me. Why wouldn’t they? If that Anthony jury believed that load of garbage, they’ll believe anything. This is a great day for murderers!”
In Tampa, Josh Huggins, 34, of Ames, Iowa, was arrested after several witnesses saw him push his 32-year-old wife off of a 14th-floor balcony of the downtown Hilton Hotel. “She drowned in the pool!” Huggins yelled as police led him away. “I was just trying to make it look like murder!”
“Wow!” said Ralph Rousseau, 27, formerly of Tarzana, Calif., as he stepped off a Trailways bus in downtown Orlando. “I thought the O.J. jury was dumb, but these Florida juries take the cake. They gotta have the dumbest juries in the world here. I mean, who makes an accident look like a murder? It’s crazy! And they bought it!” Rousseau then let out a whoop, pulled out a .38-caliber handgun, and began firing. “I’m gonna blame it on Bigfoot!” he yelled.
Meanwhile, at the Miami International Airport’s Baggage Claim carousels, 57-year-old Harold Crumb was collecting his luggage after a flight from Topeka, Kan. “I plan to stab some folks, my brother-in-law and probably a few more, and blame it on the space aliens,” said Crumb. “They’ll believe me. Why wouldn’t they? If that Anthony jury believed that load of garbage, they’ll believe anything. This is a great day for murderers!”
In Tampa, Josh Huggins, 34, of Ames, Iowa, was arrested after several witnesses saw him push his 32-year-old wife off of a 14th-floor balcony of the downtown Hilton Hotel. “She drowned in the pool!” Huggins yelled as police led him away. “I was just trying to make it look like murder!”
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Halperin calling President Obama “a dick” continues tradition of frat-boy insults
The other day, conservative MSNBC “analyst” Mark Halperin called President Obama “a dick” on live TV, setting off a firestorm of criticism. Halperin, who also writes for TIME Magazine, was suspended indefinitely from the network. Honestly, what’s the big deal? After all, Halperin was just following in a time-honored tradition of presidential frat-boy name-calling by America’s journalists.
Take, for instance, the time in 1797 when Thomas Paine called George Washington “a douche” for refusing to run for a third term in office. Or when Edward R. Murrow responded to a 1959 speech by Dwight D. Eisenhower by saying that Ike was “kind of an ass pie.” Then there was Joseph Pulitzer’s reaction to Theodore Roosevelt’s launching of the Bull Moose party in 1912. “Teddy,” wrote Pulitzer, “is acting like a real fartknocker.” And who could forget the time that Walter Cronkite called out John F. Kennedy over the failed Bay of Pigs invasion at the end of a 1961 telecast. “JFK,” said Cronkite, “is a giant jerkwad.”
More instances of journalistic insults:
• Charles Dickens, in 1837, writing in Bentley’s Miscellany, wrote of England’s Prime Minister William Lamb, 2nd Viscount Melbourne: “Melbourne is a huge wanker.”
• Horace Greeley, publisher of The New York Tribune, writing in an 1864 editorial: “Abe Lincoln, you, sir, are a humongous jag-off.”
• Nellie Bly, in an 1887 article in The Pittsburgh Dispatch, called President Grover Cleveland a “big, fat dipshit.”
• French philosopher and writer Jean-Paul Sartre called French President Charles de Gaulle “a ginormous A-hole” in 1959.
• David Brinkley, co-host of NBC’s Huntley-Brinkley Report, said in 1967 of President Lyndon Johnson: “What a butthead!”
Take, for instance, the time in 1797 when Thomas Paine called George Washington “a douche” for refusing to run for a third term in office. Or when Edward R. Murrow responded to a 1959 speech by Dwight D. Eisenhower by saying that Ike was “kind of an ass pie.” Then there was Joseph Pulitzer’s reaction to Theodore Roosevelt’s launching of the Bull Moose party in 1912. “Teddy,” wrote Pulitzer, “is acting like a real fartknocker.” And who could forget the time that Walter Cronkite called out John F. Kennedy over the failed Bay of Pigs invasion at the end of a 1961 telecast. “JFK,” said Cronkite, “is a giant jerkwad.”
More instances of journalistic insults:
• Charles Dickens, in 1837, writing in Bentley’s Miscellany, wrote of England’s Prime Minister William Lamb, 2nd Viscount Melbourne: “Melbourne is a huge wanker.”
• Horace Greeley, publisher of The New York Tribune, writing in an 1864 editorial: “Abe Lincoln, you, sir, are a humongous jag-off.”
• Nellie Bly, in an 1887 article in The Pittsburgh Dispatch, called President Grover Cleveland a “big, fat dipshit.”
• French philosopher and writer Jean-Paul Sartre called French President Charles de Gaulle “a ginormous A-hole” in 1959.
• David Brinkley, co-host of NBC’s Huntley-Brinkley Report, said in 1967 of President Lyndon Johnson: “What a butthead!”
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