Sarah Palin Bus Now Picking Up Passengers, Making Stops

With donations to her “SarahPac” lagging for her cross-country bus tour, Sarah Palin announced that she would start carrying passengers on her bus and making regular stops, like Greyhound.

The failed vice presidential candidate had been counting on raising millions in donations from her “One Nation Tour,” billed as a campaign to “promote the Fundamental Restoration of America,” but, apparently, the money just didn’t roll in. So the Tea Party queen announced Wednesday that her bus would start taking on paying customers.

“We’re changing gears,” Palin said, between greeting passengers as they boarded the red, white and blue painted bus on 5th Avenue in Manhattan. “We’re now a full-service passenger bus line serving over 250 destinations across the U.S. We’ll still be stopping at all the important sites of interest in the heartland of this great nation of ours, such as the World’s Biggest Ball of Twine in Cawker City, Kansas, and a shoehorn once used by Ronald Reagan in Dustbin, Iowa. Plus we’ll be shootin’ buffalo, varmints and what have you out the windows, just like our forefathers used to as they crisscrossed this great land so many centuries ago.”

Palin said she’d already been moved by sites she’d visited on her bus tour, like Mount Vernon, the famous home of President George Washington.

“Even Piper was able to grasp the significance of being in the presence of our first President - who had such diverse interests,” Palin said of her 10-year-old daughter. “When she told me later how hard he must have worked to keep that farm going, planting all those seeds and harvesting all the crops all by himself! And, my gosh, we were so impressed by how Mr. Washington gave free food and lodging to all those black people who just showed up on his farm, apparently, lookin’ for a handout.”

Meanwhile, Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-NY), announced that he, too, will take to the road. Weiner said he will travel cross-country in a vehicle he’s dubbed "The Wienermobile," in an effort to clear his name following the hacking of his Twitter account.

“It has nothing to do with the Oscar Mayer motorized hot dog,” said Wiener. “This car is named after a penis. I can’t say with certitude whether it’s named after my penis. However, I will be handing out hot dogs and Wiener Whistles to people I meet on the highway, or who I happen to follow on Twitter.”