Today is The Beaver’s birthday. No, not the sock puppet crazy Mel Gibson wears on his hand and speaks through in his new movie, “The Beaver.” We’re talking about The Beav’! Yes, Jerry Mathers, who played Beaver Cleaver in the old sitcom “Leave it to Beaver,” turns 62 today.
Although, hmmm, that does get us to thinking about the two Beavers, Beaver Cleaver and crazy Mel Gibson’s sock puppet Beaver. You know, because they have so much in common. In fact, we bet you can’t even tell the difference between them in this list of quotes. Go ahead, give it a try!
In each pair of quotes below, we’ve included one soundbite from Beaver Cleaver, and one from the other “Beaver,” Mel Gibson. See if you can tell which is which:
On Dealing With Stress:
A. “Boy, I sure wish there was somebody in the family for me to yell at.”
B. “I DON'T NEED MEDICATION! YOU NEED A FUCKING BAT TO THE SIDE OF THE HEAD, ALL RIGHT? HOW ABOUT THAT?”
On Geopolitical Matters:
A. “I wouldn't wanna do anything to hurt God. He's got enough trouble with the Russians and all.”
B. “Fucking Jews …. The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world … Are you a Jew?”
On Girls:
A. “But gee, Wally, you hang around with girls and the guys don't give you the business.”
B. “What do you think you’re looking at, sugar tits?”
On Jungle Movies:
A. “The Mayan culture is shrouded in mystery and myths. I didn't show half the stuff I read about. I read about an orgy of sacrifice: 20,000 people sacrificed in four days. They were also very fond of impaling genitals and torturing people for years on end.”
B. “There was too much kissin' and not enough apes.”
On Guys They Don’t Like:
A. “How come Eddie’s such a creepy guy?”
B. “I want to kill him. I want his intestines on a stick. I want to kill his dog.”
On Hanging Out:
A. “You know something, Wally? I'd rather do nothin' with you than somethin' with anybody else.”
B. “Go ahead to the goddamn Jacuzzi yourself. Go ahead, fuck it, fuck the Jacuzzi. It’s a thing. You have no fucking soul.”
On Teeth:
A. “I did not hit Oksana with a closed fist, as she alleges. I did not punch her in the face, in the temple or anywhere else, not then or at any other time. There was never any blood and no teeth were 'broken,' although one of the false veneers from a tooth apparently came off, I did not see that occur.”
B. “Sure, Dad. If all your teeth fall out, you won't have anything to eat groceries with, anyways.
ANSWERS:
Stress: A. Beaver Cleaver B. Beaver Mel
Geopolitics: A. Beaver Cleaver B. Beaver Mel
Girls: A. Beaver Cleaver B. Beaver Mel
Jungle Movies: A. Beaver Mel B. Beaver Cleaver
Guys They Don’t Like: A. Beaver Cleaver B. Beaver Mel
Hanging Out: A. Beaver Cleaver B. Beaver Mel
Teeth: A. Beaver Mel B. Beaver Cleaver (After Ward tells June that he can’t pick up groceries for her because he has a dentist appointment)
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