Dumpty: a hard-boiled cop with a past, and other bad ideas for TV shows

With all the classic literature being “reimagined” for TV these days – from Grimm to Sleepy Hollow – it’s just a matter of time before the networks go back to the library for more. Well, when they do, we’ll be ready with a few really bad ideas. Observe:

Moby-Dick Dynasty – (Reality) In the town of New Bedford, Mass., the bearded ancestors of Captain Ahab operate a burgeoning peg leg business.

Dumpty – (Drama) Hard-boiled New Orleans detective Dan Dumpty, a brilliant but troubled modern-day ancestor of Humpty Dumpty, learns he is descended from a line of tough-yet-fragile fighters who must do battle against an assortment of dangerous fairy tale characters come to life, while also dealing with his crippling fear of heights. In the pilot, “The Big Over Easy,” Dumpty investigates the mysterious death of George Porgie. The investigation leads Dumpty to Muffet, a beautiful but troubled young woman with a tuffet and an affinity for curds and whey who had filed a restraining order against Porgie, whose unwanted advances had made her cry. Can Dumpty crack the case before it cracks him?     

Beans – (Drama) Beautiful, brilliant but troubled Portland Homicide Detective Jackie “Beans” Beanstalk, who has somehow risen to the rank of Homicide Detective at the age of 22 despite suffering from severe Tourettes Syndrome, learns from her mother on her deathbed that she is the last remaining direct descendent of Jack, the brave lad from the fairy tale “Jack and the Beanstalk.” With her last breath, her mother gives her a handful of “magic beans” -- which hold the key to the universe -- to guard from an “evil giant.” In the pilot, Jackie meets a brilliant but troubled young man named Goose who lays “golden eggs” in his pants. 

Don QuixHottie – (Reality) A group of crazy Spaniards move in to an abandoned windmill where they vie to be Spain’s next top male model.

Shaqula – (Horror) A new take on Bram Stoker’s classic novel. Shaquille O’Neal stars as the NBA’s newest sensation – an ageless, 7-foot-tall Romanian who mesmerizes America with his seemingly unstoppable moves, yet he still can’t make a free-throw.

The Bridezilla of Frankenstein – (Reality) The reanimated beehived beauty is getting married, and the wedding is spiraling out of control.

Little Women, Big World – (Reality) The trials and tribulations of a widowed dwarf and her three undersized daughters.

Crime & Punishment: SVU – (Drama) Dick Wolf’s new police procedural follows the exploits of Russian Detective Porfiry of the Moscow PD, who investigates cases in the show's first half hour, followed in the second half hour by the criminals -- tormented by guilt -- confessing and being sent to Siberia.