The movie “It’s a Wonderful Life,” as told in the police log of The Bedford Falls Sentinel:
May 20, 1928
1:37 p.m. Police were called to the 600 block of Main Street, where a caller said a pedestrian was causing traffic to back up. Violet Bick, 21, was cited for causing a public disturbance.
11:28 p.m. A caller reported a male and female singing loudly and throwing rocks at the windows of an abandoned building in the 300 block of Sycamore Street. When police arrived, they found only a female, naked and hiding in some hydrangea bushes. Mary Hatch, 18, was arrested and charged with indecent exposure.
June 1, 1932
9:16 p.m. A caller reported an intoxicated man creating a loud disturbance on New England Street. Officers investigated and found William Bailey, 60, passed out next to some garbage cans. Bailey was arrested and charged with public drunkenness.
10:01 p.m. A caller reported a large crowd gathered in the 200 block of Genesee Street. Violet Bick, 25, was cited for causing a public disturbance.
October 25, 1932
11:25 a.m. Police responded to a report of an unruly mob gathering at the bank. The mob was dispersed with tear gas. No arrests were made.
8:37 p.m. A caller reported trespassers in the Old Granville House, 320 Sycamore Street. Police arrived to find a newly married couple, George and Mary Bailey, had taken up residence in the building, which had been condemned in 1925. The couple were cited for trespassing and warned to vacate the premises immediately.
December 24, 1945
5:12 p.m. A woman in the 300 block of Sycamore Street called police and reported that her husband was being verbally abusive to her and her children.
6:02 p.m. Henry F. Potter, President of the Bank, swore out a warrant for the arrest of George Bailey on charges of misappropriation of funds, manipulation and malfeasance in connection with $8000 in missing funds from the Bailey Bros. Building & Loan.
7:15 p.m. Nick, the bartender at Martini’s Bar, called police to report a fight. An arrest warrant was issued for Mr. Welch on charges of assault and battery.
7:23 p.m. A caller reported that an intoxicated man had crashed his car into a tree which his grandfather had planted, on Bridge Street, and then fled on foot in the direction of the toll bridge.
7:29 p.m. A woman in the 300 block of Sycamore Street called police and reported that her husband was missing.
7:45 p.m. A caller reported seeing two men jump into the canal from the toll bridge.
9:02 p.m. Police were called to a disturbance at the Dreamland Dance Club. Violet Bick, 38, was arrested and charged with soliciting.
9:21 p.m. A cab driver, Ernie Bishop, reported that a man “who was bats” and claimed he had gotten some bad liquor had run off without paying his fare in the 300 block of Sycamore Street. Bert the Cop responded and followed the man into an abandoned building. An altercation ensued, during which a second suspect, who claimed he was “an angel, second class,” bit the officer on the wrist. The two suspects escaped on foot.
9:39 p.m. A caller reported that a “loony” had come to her residence on New England Street and claimed that she was his mother. The woman told the man to leave.
9:50 p.m. A caller reported that a disturbed man, possibly intoxicated, had accosted an old maid outside the public library. The man had claimed that the old maid was his wife, then chased her down Genesee Street and into a nearby establishment, where she fainted. Bert the Cop responded and attempted to apprehend the suspect, but the man punched the officer and fled on foot. The officer then fired several shots across the crowded street at the fleeing suspect, wounding two bystanders before pursuing the suspect in his squad car.
10:20 p.m. Several business owners reported a man running down Main Street cheering and yelling, “Merry Christmas” at various buildings.
10:22 p.m. Henry F. Potter reported seeing fugitive George Bailey running past his office at the bank. He said that Bailey yelled “Merry Christmas” to him before running off in the direction of Sycamore Street.
picture
Sunday, December 8, 2013
Monday, November 18, 2013
An open letter from the Ty-D-Bol Man
It's World Toilet Day, and we found this letter in a bottle from the Ty-D-Bol man...
Ahoy there! Remember me? No? Of course you don’t. It is I, the Ty-D-Bol man. You probably don’t recognize me in these filthy rags and long, scraggly hair and beard. No, I’m not the handsome nautical hero I used to be, lo those many years ago, before you closed the lid on me and left me here, abandoned, floating alone on my dinghy in your toilet tank. Marooned.
I used to have a motorboat, though God knows why. So I could get from one end of your toilet to the other faster? Please. It’s not like it’s the vast Pacific in here. It’s a toilet, fercryinoutloud! I can row it in like, two seconds. Or I could, if I hadn’t used my oars for firewood a long time ago. I chopped them up and poured what was left of the gasoline on them and burned them for warmth. That was around the same time I spelled out the word H-E-L-P on the inside of your toilet tank with Scrubbing Bubbles, hoping someone would see it and rescue me. But then you just flushed and whoosh! It was gone. Leaving me floating here, alone in a sea of sparkling blue toilet water, with nothing to do but think of what a waste my life has been.
You think I’m proud to be the Captain of a toilet dinghy? It’s humiliating! I come from a long line of famous maritime heroes. My great-grandfather was Cap’n Crunch, sailing the high seas, doing battle with Jean LaFoote, the barefoot pirate. My grandfather? The Gorton’s Fisherman. What a provider! Every night, he brought home the fish sticks. And my father, the Old Spice Sailor. He wanted me to join the navy, like my brother, Sailor Jack. He’s rich now, rolling in Cracker Jack prizes. But I got an offer from Ty-D-Bol, and I took it. Now look at me. Useless. Sure, I’m a captain. I’ve still got my captain’s hat, and my dinghy. I could perform a wedding, but who wants to get married in a toilet? No one, that’s who. I’ll die alone in your tank, and no one will ever know. Unless, by some miracle, someone finds this note I’m putting in this bottle. If you do, tell my wife and kids I love them. And tell them, don’t drink the Ty-D-Bol water. Sure, it looks great – beautiful Caribbean blue – but it’s full of chemicals.
Farewell, ungrateful person with a sparkling, clean toilet! Tell the world my story!
Ahoy there! Remember me? No? Of course you don’t. It is I, the Ty-D-Bol man. You probably don’t recognize me in these filthy rags and long, scraggly hair and beard. No, I’m not the handsome nautical hero I used to be, lo those many years ago, before you closed the lid on me and left me here, abandoned, floating alone on my dinghy in your toilet tank. Marooned.
I used to have a motorboat, though God knows why. So I could get from one end of your toilet to the other faster? Please. It’s not like it’s the vast Pacific in here. It’s a toilet, fercryinoutloud! I can row it in like, two seconds. Or I could, if I hadn’t used my oars for firewood a long time ago. I chopped them up and poured what was left of the gasoline on them and burned them for warmth. That was around the same time I spelled out the word H-E-L-P on the inside of your toilet tank with Scrubbing Bubbles, hoping someone would see it and rescue me. But then you just flushed and whoosh! It was gone. Leaving me floating here, alone in a sea of sparkling blue toilet water, with nothing to do but think of what a waste my life has been.
You think I’m proud to be the Captain of a toilet dinghy? It’s humiliating! I come from a long line of famous maritime heroes. My great-grandfather was Cap’n Crunch, sailing the high seas, doing battle with Jean LaFoote, the barefoot pirate. My grandfather? The Gorton’s Fisherman. What a provider! Every night, he brought home the fish sticks. And my father, the Old Spice Sailor. He wanted me to join the navy, like my brother, Sailor Jack. He’s rich now, rolling in Cracker Jack prizes. But I got an offer from Ty-D-Bol, and I took it. Now look at me. Useless. Sure, I’m a captain. I’ve still got my captain’s hat, and my dinghy. I could perform a wedding, but who wants to get married in a toilet? No one, that’s who. I’ll die alone in your tank, and no one will ever know. Unless, by some miracle, someone finds this note I’m putting in this bottle. If you do, tell my wife and kids I love them. And tell them, don’t drink the Ty-D-Bol water. Sure, it looks great – beautiful Caribbean blue – but it’s full of chemicals.
Farewell, ungrateful person with a sparkling, clean toilet! Tell the world my story!
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Dumpty: a hard-boiled cop with a past, and other bad ideas for TV shows
With all the classic literature being “reimagined” for TV these days – from Grimm to Sleepy Hollow – it’s just a matter of time before the networks go back to the library for more. Well, when they do, we’ll be ready with a few really bad ideas. Observe:
Moby-Dick Dynasty – (Reality) In the town of New Bedford, Mass., the bearded ancestors of Captain Ahab operate a burgeoning peg leg business.
Dumpty – (Drama) Hard-boiled New Orleans detective Dan Dumpty, a brilliant but troubled modern-day ancestor of Humpty Dumpty, learns he is descended from a line of tough-yet-fragile fighters who must do battle against an assortment of dangerous fairy tale characters come to life, while also dealing with his crippling fear of heights. In the pilot, “The Big Over Easy,” Dumpty investigates the mysterious death of George Porgie. The investigation leads Dumpty to Muffet, a beautiful but troubled young woman with a tuffet and an affinity for curds and whey who had filed a restraining order against Porgie, whose unwanted advances had made her cry. Can Dumpty crack the case before it cracks him?
Beans – (Drama) Beautiful, brilliant but troubled Portland Homicide Detective Jackie “Beans” Beanstalk, who has somehow risen to the rank of Homicide Detective at the age of 22 despite suffering from severe Tourettes Syndrome, learns from her mother on her deathbed that she is the last remaining direct descendent of Jack, the brave lad from the fairy tale “Jack and the Beanstalk.” With her last breath, her mother gives her a handful of “magic beans” -- which hold the key to the universe -- to guard from an “evil giant.” In the pilot, Jackie meets a brilliant but troubled young man named Goose who lays “golden eggs” in his pants.
Don QuixHottie – (Reality) A group of crazy Spaniards move in to an abandoned windmill where they vie to be Spain’s next top male model.
Shaqula – (Horror) A new take on Bram Stoker’s classic novel. Shaquille O’Neal stars as the NBA’s newest sensation – an ageless, 7-foot-tall Romanian who mesmerizes America with his seemingly unstoppable moves, yet he still can’t make a free-throw.
The Bridezilla of Frankenstein – (Reality) The reanimated beehived beauty is getting married, and the wedding is spiraling out of control.
Little Women, Big World – (Reality) The trials and tribulations of a widowed dwarf and her three undersized daughters.
Crime & Punishment: SVU – (Drama) Dick Wolf’s new police procedural follows the exploits of Russian Detective Porfiry of the Moscow PD, who investigates cases in the show's first half hour, followed in the second half hour by the criminals -- tormented by guilt -- confessing and being sent to Siberia.
Moby-Dick Dynasty – (Reality) In the town of New Bedford, Mass., the bearded ancestors of Captain Ahab operate a burgeoning peg leg business.
Dumpty – (Drama) Hard-boiled New Orleans detective Dan Dumpty, a brilliant but troubled modern-day ancestor of Humpty Dumpty, learns he is descended from a line of tough-yet-fragile fighters who must do battle against an assortment of dangerous fairy tale characters come to life, while also dealing with his crippling fear of heights. In the pilot, “The Big Over Easy,” Dumpty investigates the mysterious death of George Porgie. The investigation leads Dumpty to Muffet, a beautiful but troubled young woman with a tuffet and an affinity for curds and whey who had filed a restraining order against Porgie, whose unwanted advances had made her cry. Can Dumpty crack the case before it cracks him?
Beans – (Drama) Beautiful, brilliant but troubled Portland Homicide Detective Jackie “Beans” Beanstalk, who has somehow risen to the rank of Homicide Detective at the age of 22 despite suffering from severe Tourettes Syndrome, learns from her mother on her deathbed that she is the last remaining direct descendent of Jack, the brave lad from the fairy tale “Jack and the Beanstalk.” With her last breath, her mother gives her a handful of “magic beans” -- which hold the key to the universe -- to guard from an “evil giant.” In the pilot, Jackie meets a brilliant but troubled young man named Goose who lays “golden eggs” in his pants.
Don QuixHottie – (Reality) A group of crazy Spaniards move in to an abandoned windmill where they vie to be Spain’s next top male model.
Shaqula – (Horror) A new take on Bram Stoker’s classic novel. Shaquille O’Neal stars as the NBA’s newest sensation – an ageless, 7-foot-tall Romanian who mesmerizes America with his seemingly unstoppable moves, yet he still can’t make a free-throw.
The Bridezilla of Frankenstein – (Reality) The reanimated beehived beauty is getting married, and the wedding is spiraling out of control.
Little Women, Big World – (Reality) The trials and tribulations of a widowed dwarf and her three undersized daughters.
Crime & Punishment: SVU – (Drama) Dick Wolf’s new police procedural follows the exploits of Russian Detective Porfiry of the Moscow PD, who investigates cases in the show's first half hour, followed in the second half hour by the criminals -- tormented by guilt -- confessing and being sent to Siberia.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Tonya and the Exploding Whale
Today is a very special day in Oregon history. Very special. In fact, we’re going to go out on a limb and say that it’s probably THE most special day in Oregon history. EVER!!! Why? Because on this day, November 12, the two most fantastic things that have ever occurred in the state of Oregon happened, and they happened on the same day: November 12, 1970. A day that will live in infamy. And hilarity. Call it Infalarity. Or Hilaramy. Whatever. But 43 years ago today, on November 12, 1970, at 3:45 p.m., the famous Exploding Whale – yes, THAT exploding whale -- was blown up on the Oregon coast, in Florence. Meanwhile, in Portland, some 132 miles away as the exploding whale blubber flies, Tonya Harding was born.
Think about that for a moment. While the plunger was being pushed in Florence, turning a 45-foot-long dead sperm whale into exploding chum that slimed everything for miles, Tonya, our famous knee-whacking, hubcap hurling, transvestite-wrestling, professional boxing, unintentional sex tape star-slash-Olympic figure skater was being born.
Now, we know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Well, if this doesn’t put the dunce in coincidunce.” And then the second thing you’re thinking is, “Why hasn’t anyone, anyplace, at any time, ever mentioned this amazing coincidence before, and more importantly, where are our Tonya-and-the Exploding Whale limericks?”
Well, our long, local nightmare is over. Here they are, a handful of awful, no-good, very bad Happy Birthday, Tonya and Happy Anniversary, Exploding Whale limericks. Enjoy:
Happy Birthday to our ice-skating hick
A triple axel, you one time did stick
But then your life got unruly
Thanks, in part, to Gillooly
You were born the same day they blew up Moby Dick?
You skated to fame and became a knee-clubber
Fought Paula Jones in the ring and you drubbed her
You threw hubcaps at guys
I guess it would be no surprise
To find, being born, you were hit by a chunk of whale blubber
Tonya, some compared you to trash that is white
And your choices haven’t always been bright
At least you (mostly) stayed out of jail
And made out better than the whale
Hope your birthday is pure Dynomite!
You made Nancy Kerrigan cry
And grab at her knee wailing “Why, why, why?”
From the day you were born
You’ve dodged judgment and scorn
And chunks of dead whale from the sky
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Twas the Night Before Halloween
Twas the night before
Halloween
At the Wedgester’s
apartment
But Wedgie wasn’t saying boo
‘cause he was behind in
the rent
So he turned out the
lights
And sat in the dark like a dummy
And sat in the dark like a dummy
Just sat there all night
As quiet as a mummy
Until the sun came up
On Halloween morn
Still Wedgester just sat
there
Eating Tootsie Rolls and
Candy Corn
Then from outside his
door
There arose such a din
He thought it was the
aliens
Come to probe him again
He crept to the door
And peered through his
peephole
And what he saw in the
hall
Sent a chill through his
soul
‘Cross the hallway he
spied
Some trick-or-treaters
there lurking
One dressed as Miley
Cyrus
So painfully twerking
Behind her another
costumed even stranger
costumed even stranger
‘twas Anthony Weiner
Dressed as Carlos Danger
A mustachioed guy in a
beret
with a gun gave him a jolt
with a gun gave him a jolt
Dressed like a sprinter
With a sash that read:
Saddam Hussein Bolt
There’s the new Pope, Francis
In pointy hat and fancy nighty
In pointy hat and fancy nighty
And Breaking Bad’s Walter
White
In gas mask and tighty-whiteys
Then Silvio Berlusconi
With a blonde and some fettuccine alfredo
And right behind them came a guy
Dressed as a Sharknado
With a blonde and some fettuccine alfredo
And right behind them came a guy
Dressed as a Sharknado
There, of course, was a
pirate
Hopping around on a stump
And someone dressed as a pregnant belly --
Kim Kardashian’s baby bump
Hopping around on a stump
And someone dressed as a pregnant belly --
Kim Kardashian’s baby bump
And two hours late,
Justin Bieber, looking so swank
With a pet monkey on a leash
And a Belieber – Anne Frank
Justin Bieber, looking so swank
With a pet monkey on a leash
And a Belieber – Anne Frank
Finally, when all the
trick or treaters
Had come and had gone
Wedgester, still at the peephole,
Stifling a yawn
Had come and had gone
Wedgester, still at the peephole,
Stifling a yawn
Saw a giant orange head
With a grin that was
insaner
Than a barrel of chimps
Wedgester threw open his
door and cried out, “John Boehner?”
But it wasn’t the Speaker
‘Twas just his landlord
Carrying a pumpkin he’d
carved
Into a decorative gourd
His landlord said, “Ain’t
she a beaut?
I hand-carved and
hand-picked it.
And then I just dropped
by
To say you’re evicted.”
Wedgester gave up the
ghost
And shuffled down to the dumpster
Crawled in and went to sleep in a puddle
And shuffled down to the dumpster
Crawled in and went to sleep in a puddle
Of what he hoped was
Worcestershire
A little while later he awoke
And knew it was all a bad
dream
For his butt was quite
sore
And an alien, looking
down, said, “Happy Halloween!”
Monday, October 7, 2013
The story of Johnny Appleseed, as reimagined by Breaking Bad creator Vince Gilligan
Excerpts
from “Bad Apple,” the story of Johnny Appleseed as reimagined by Breaking Bad
creator Vince Gilligan, starring
Bryan Cranston as the American folk hero, and Aaron Paul as the apple planter’s
one-time student.
Scene
I.
Johnny Appleseed’s house. Johnny
is talking with his wife, Skyler.
Skyler: You
know, I’ve been thinking we should buy that Wagon Wash over on Eubank. It’d
make a perfect cover story to launder your cider money.
Appleseed: Not
right now, Skyler. It’s too dangerous.
Skyler: John,
if you’re in danger, we should go to the constable.
Appleseed: I
don’t want to hear about the constable…
Skyler: But if
it’s either that or you getting hit with an apple when you open your front door… You are not
some hardened criminal, John, you’re in over your head.
Appleseed: Okay,
we’re done here…
Skyler: John,
please. Just admit you’re in danger!
Appleseed: Who
are you talking to right now? Who is it you think you see? Do you know how many
apple trees I plant a year? I mean, even if I told you, you wouldn’t believe
it. No, you clearly don’t know who you’re talking to, so let me clue you in. I
am not in danger, Skyler, I am the danger. A guy opens his door and gets hit with an apple,
and you think that of me? No. I am the one who plants!
Scene II
Johnny Appleseed, wearing a pot on his head, sits in a covered wagon with Jesse and Mike, riding through the desert as throbbing rap music plays. They
pull up in front of a group of rival cider dealers.
Mike: Your play, John. You’re
on your own.
They exit the wagon and face
off across from Declan and his crew.
Declan: Looks
like you’re about 1,000 gallons light here, Mike. Where’s the juice?
Appleseed: Apple
juice isn’t coming.
Declan: Why’s
that? Who the hell are you?
Appleseed: You
know. You all know exactly who I am. Say my name.
Declan: Do what?
I don’t have a damn clue who the hell you are.
Appleseed: Yeah
you do. I’m the planter. I’m the man who almost killed Snow White.
Declan:
Bullshit. Evil queen got White.
Appleseed: You
sure?
Declan looks at Mike, who shakes
his head. Declan and his men suddenly look nervous.
Appleseed: That’s
right. Now, say my name.
Declan: You’re
Appleseed.
Johnny: You’re
goddamn right!
Sunday, September 29, 2013
The Bozone
There is a fifth dimension, beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as a giant pair of clown shoes and as timeless as a squirting lapel flower. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and supersitition, and it lies between the pit of a man’s big, billowy clown pants and the tip of his bulbous, honking red nose. This is the dimension of goofy laughter. It is an area which we call The Bozo Zone.
Picture, if you will, living every single moment of your day in constant, babbling fear of running into an evil-looking red-haired clown holding a bouquet of brightly-colored balloons. This is exactly how the people of the sleepy town of Northampton, England, spend their daily lives. Because, you see, they are being terrorized by a mysterious, spooky clown who ... well, pretty much just shows up and stands there looking all clowny, holding some balloons.
Nevertheless, Northampton police have issued a warning following multiple sightings of clowns “acting suspiciously.” There is good news, however. Because even as local authorities seem powerless to stop this not necessarily evil clown, one man has risen. Yes, out of this tangled web of giant clown pant suspenders, one mild-mannered citizen has stepped forward to take matters into his own hands. He calls himself … The Clown Catcher. He is the world’s most specialized superhero.
All of this got us to wondering: what are The Clown Catcher’s super powers/tools? We’re guessing these might make the list:
• The ability to guess any balloon animal in a single try
• A towel (for drying after being squirted with seltzer)
• A really big car that seats dozens of clowns quite comfortably
• A very fast, souped-up tricycle capable of overtaking any clown tricycle in existence
• Empty pie tins and quick reflexes to block pies thrown at him by not necessarily evil clowns
• Earplugs capable of blocking out the deafening sound of a giant, honking red rubber nose
Some other really specific super heroes:
The Mime Manacler
Evil Hobo Hinderer
Foole Frustrater
Jester Jailer
Prankster Prohibiter
Prop Comic Confiner
Buffoon Buster
Juggler Jammer
Trapezist Tackler
Ventriloquist Vexer
Stooge Stopper
Acrobat Apprehender
Carny Clencher
Tap Dance Disrupter
Human Cannonball Cramper
Unicyclist Stymier
Human Pincushion Perplexer
Picture, if you will, living every single moment of your day in constant, babbling fear of running into an evil-looking red-haired clown holding a bouquet of brightly-colored balloons. This is exactly how the people of the sleepy town of Northampton, England, spend their daily lives. Because, you see, they are being terrorized by a mysterious, spooky clown who ... well, pretty much just shows up and stands there looking all clowny, holding some balloons.
Nevertheless, Northampton police have issued a warning following multiple sightings of clowns “acting suspiciously.” There is good news, however. Because even as local authorities seem powerless to stop this not necessarily evil clown, one man has risen. Yes, out of this tangled web of giant clown pant suspenders, one mild-mannered citizen has stepped forward to take matters into his own hands. He calls himself … The Clown Catcher. He is the world’s most specialized superhero.
All of this got us to wondering: what are The Clown Catcher’s super powers/tools? We’re guessing these might make the list:
• The ability to guess any balloon animal in a single try
• A towel (for drying after being squirted with seltzer)
• A really big car that seats dozens of clowns quite comfortably
• A very fast, souped-up tricycle capable of overtaking any clown tricycle in existence
• Empty pie tins and quick reflexes to block pies thrown at him by not necessarily evil clowns
• Earplugs capable of blocking out the deafening sound of a giant, honking red rubber nose
Some other really specific super heroes:
The Mime Manacler
Evil Hobo Hinderer
Foole Frustrater
Jester Jailer
Prankster Prohibiter
Prop Comic Confiner
Buffoon Buster
Juggler Jammer
Trapezist Tackler
Ventriloquist Vexer
Stooge Stopper
Acrobat Apprehender
Carny Clencher
Tap Dance Disrupter
Human Cannonball Cramper
Unicyclist Stymier
Human Pincushion Perplexer
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)