Game of Thrones season is over, and fans are going into withdrawal. So we’ve mashed the HBO hit with a classic musical to bring you …
Westeros Side Story
The action opens on a playground in King’s Landing. The Lannister gang – Jaime, Joffrey, Tyrion, Cersai, Lancel, and Lord Tywin, are sitting around snapping their fingers. They rise as one and begin slinking across the playground, snapping fingers in rhythm. Suddenly they begin leaping and dancing, yelling “Lannisters!” as they pirouette in time.
The Starks – Ned, Catelynn, Robb, Jon Snow, Bran (carried on the back of the giant, Hodor), Rickon, Sansa, and Arya -- fingersnap their way up a nearby alley. Suddenly they, too, begin leaping and dancing, yelling, “Starks!” Skipping and twirling together in choreographed rhythm, they cross the street.
The two gangs come face to face across an empty lot. The Lannisters fingersnap their way to the Starks. Lord Tywin begins slowly snapping his fingers in Ned’s face.
Tywin: Beat it!
The two gangs begin leaping and dancing at each other, before the Lannisters, twirling and pirouetting, chase the Starks out of the empty lot.
Robb Stark sits on a concrete wall watching as Joffrey paints “Starks Stink!” on a tenement wall in huge, white letters. Robb leaps down to the ground as several Starks encircle Joffrey and begin fingersnapping at him.
Joffrey yells, “Lannisters!” and five Lannisters come running to his aid. Another rumble begins as the two sides taunt each other with jazz hands.
The Lannisters are alone on the playground.
Joffrey: I say we rumble! Chop chop!
Tywin: Cool down, Action Boy. The Starks want a piece of this world too. And they’re real down boys. Now what’s your mood, Lannisters?
Joffrey: I say go-go, daddy-o!
Jaime: I say mix!
Cersei: I say sock ‘em!
Tywin: Okay, cats, we rumble!
When you’re a Lannister you pay your debts like a man
From your first cigarette till you get shot with an arrow while you’re on the can.
Joffrey (singing): When you’re a Lannister you’re top cat every time
But at your wedding feast better not drink the wine
Jaime (singing): When you’re a Lannister you’re the swinginest mister
You get a shiny gold hand, and you get to shtup your own sister!
(All together, fingersnapping)
When you’re a Lannister, that’s why we get the big bucks
We’ll fight white walkers and dragons and armies of eunuchs…
To be continued... (or maybe not)