Friday, January 28, 2011

To Stupidity ... and Beyond!

Space, where no one can hear you scream, “WTF????”

Here at the Daily Wedgie, we’ve had a couple of WTF moments lately, courtesy of those two Republican rocket scientists, Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann. You know, a couple of those moments that, as Palin might put it, aspire us to go, “WTFuck did she just say?”

The first of those moments came the other day when Bachmann, speaking to an Iowa anti-tax group, claimed that America’s founding fathers “worked tirelessly until slavery was no more in the United States.” She went on to describe her version of the founding of America:

“How unique in all of the world, that one nation that was the resting point from people groups all across the world. It didn't matter the color of their skin, it didn't matter their language, it didn't matter their economic status.... Once you got here, we were all the same. Isn't that remarkable? It's absolutely remarkable.”

It is remarkable. Absolutely remarkable that someone without a functioning brain is actually in the United States Congress.

But just when you thought the Republicans couldn’t get any more remarkable, along comes Sarah Palin. The half-governor of Alaska, speaking with Fox News’ Greta van Susteren, was attempting to make fun of President Obama’s "Sputnik moment" line from his State of the Union speech. Instead she just ended up proving that she's still lost in space.

Here’s what she said:

“That was another one of those WTF moments, when he so often repeated this Sputnik moment that he would aspire Americans to celebrate. And he needs to remember that what happened back then with the former communist USSR and their victory in that race to space, yes, they won, but they also incurred so much debt at the time that it resulted in the inevitable collapse of the Soviet Union.”

"WTF?" Really, former Governor? OMFG, how presidential you are. Yes, STFU Barack Hussein Obama, and remember that when your socialist buddies the Russkies sent that Sputnik into space, they might have won the “race to space,” but that’s what caused the former communist USSR to collapse… 30 years later. Take that, Reagan!

Welcome to the new space race. Palin v. Bachmann, boldly going where no man has gone before. To the Planet Moron.

So now here we are, 2011 in America, 42 years after Neil Armstrong walked on the moon and took “one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” Only we seem to have taken that giant leap backwards instead. Now, instead of Dwight Eisenhower, a republican who today would be branded a flaming liberal, we have the dueling space cadets, Bachmann and Palin. Just think, in the past 20-odd years (and hoo-boy, have they been odd!) the Republicans have given us the following devolution: From Dan Quayle’s empty potatoe, to the original space cowboy, W, and now Palin and Bachmann. Who’s next? A poo-flinging monkey? No, come to think of it, even a poo-flinging chimp makes more sense than Sarah Palin.

To paraphrase another famous astronaut, Star Trek’s “Bones” McCoy: She’s dim, Jim.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

A Pain in the Astrological Chart and Other News

You’ll have to excuse me, I’ve been busy lately, what with these new zodiac signs and all. Ever since that story in the Minneapolis Star-Tribune came out that says the moon's gravitational pull "wobbled" the earth's rotation, creating a one-month bump in the star alignment, I’ve been all screwed up. After spending my whole life as a Scorpio, now I have to switch to being a Libra. Great! So all of a sudden I have to stop being “passionate, intense, jealous and volatile,” and start acting “compassionate and loving.” That sucks! Uhhh, I mean, yeah, sorry astrologists, I know this change must be really hard on you, too. Here, let me fluff your pillow for you – and SMOTHER YOU WITH IT! TAKE THAT, STUPID STAR JUMBLERS …. I mean, here, let me help you. Put your feet up and relax. Can I bring you anything? Pop tarts? Some hot cocoa, perhaps? I’LL THROW IT IN YOUR STUPID FACE YOU LOUSY TAROT-TURNING GOONS! … There, there, just sit back and relax WHILE I CRAM YOUR STUPID MOON CHART UP URANUS!!!
Well, you get the point. I’ve been a bit confused. So let’s take a look at what we’ve missed the past few days while I’ve been wrestling with my star alignment changes. Here are some of the latest stories from the news wires:

English Headline Writers Rejoice
In the U.K., amidst rumors that his wife had had an affair with her police bodyguard, the opposition Labour party’s economics spokesperson stepped down and was immediately replaced by a man named Ed Balls.

Did They Have to Hold Another One An Hour Later When Everyone Was Hungry Again?
Obama holds first Chinese state dinner in 13 years.

Is That a Swordfish in Your Pocket Or Are You Just Happy Sashimi?
Victoria man charged with attacking another man with a swordfish

Douchebag, Ignoramus in the Clear
Aurora, Colo., police are searching for a 35-year-old man named Joseph Moron, wanted on numerous counts. According to a police statement, “If anyone has seen Moron, they’re asked to call Aurora Police.”

Hello, Aurora Police? I Think We Found Him
A New York City man was threatened with arrest in Las Vegas after he called police to complain that the prostitute he hired to come to his hotel room hadn’t stayed for the full hour. He is now suing the escort service for $1.8 million.

He’s Just Looking For His Condo Made of Stone-a
Residents in Cypress, Texas, are on alert after a man has been seen running around the area dressed as a mummy.

Best of All, It’s in Lint Condition!
A Roscommon, Mich., woman has made a 14-ft. replica of Leonardo da Vinci’s “The Last Supper” out of laundry lint.

Keep Retching For the Stars
A 25-year-old Chinese man has been named the World Champion at throwing up.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Republicans: Americans have the right to own nukes

Last week MSNBC talk show host Rachel Maddow facetiously said that if the real purpose of the second amendment is to allow U.S. citizens the ability to overthrow the U.S. government, as some lawmakers have suggested, then every citizen should have the right to own nuclear weapons. Today in Washington a group of congressional Republicans agreed, crafting a bill that would do just that.

Paul Broun (R-Ga.) and Michele Bachmann (R-Minn.) introduced a bill that would give American citizens the right to buy and/or develop their own nuclear weapons.

“Rachel Maddow was right,” said Broun. “The Second Amendment is not about my right to hunt, which I love to do. It’s not about my right to protect my family from criminals, which I also love to do. Hell, the other day I shot the mailman. Mistook him for a criminal. But that’s not what this is about. This is about Americans’ right to keep and bear arms so that we can overthrow a tyrannical government of the United States. That’s what the founding fathers put it in there for. But back then, the government didn’t have much more than some muskets and a few old rusty cannons. Now, Barack Obama, he’s got the army, the navy and the air force at his disposal. And an arsenal of 9,600 fully-armed nuclear weapons. Now I ask you, how in hell are we supposed to fight nukes with a pistol or a deer rifle? Even a bazooka. Ain’t gonna happen. We need nukes! And hell, it’s our right to have ‘em. It’s right there in the 2nd Amendment.
If you and I are to be able to overthrow the U.S. government, like the founding fathers wanted, that means we need to be able to defeat the President in battle. This bill we are introducing will allow American citizens to buy not only anti-tank guns and rocket-propelled grenade launchers and bombs, but private nuclear weapons. Hell, I’m on my way to Niger as soon as I finish this speech to buy some of that yellowcake uranium they sold to Saddam. Gonna enrich me up some WMD in my garage. And when this bill passes, it will be absolutely 100 percent legal under the Constitution of the United States of America. Let’s see Comrade Obama try to put his hands on my health care now.”

The bill’s cosponsor, Michele Bachmann (R-Minn.) said, “This bill will also help the economy. Once we make it legal for law-abiding citizens to own nuclear material, uranium shops will open up in every town in America. There’ll be target ranges where average citizens can go and practice their aim, like the government did in the Marshall Islands back in the ‘50s. This means jobs. I mean, somebody’s gotta sell goggles and set up the mannequins in those empty houses, right? We’ll have A-Bomb shows where law abiding citizens can go and buy or trade for nukes, just like there are gun shows now. Personally, I’d like to get my hands on a nuclear submarine. I hear you can pick one up pretty cheap from the Russians.”

Speaking from the parking lot of a Walmart in Plantation, Fla., where his aides wheeled anti-aircraft rounds the size of washing machines out of the store and loaded them onto a trailer, Tea Party Republican Allen West of Florida said:
“I’ve already got an air defense bunker in my backyard and a machine gun nest on my roof. Come and get me, you Socialist sonsabitches!”

Meanwhile, Speaker of the House John Boehner said he plans to support the bill, and thinks he can get enough votes to pass it.
“The next nuclear arms treaty won’t be between the United States of America and Russia,” said Boehner. “It’ll be between the U.S. government and Joe the Plumber.”

While Boehner agrees that the bill is more about ensuring that citizens have the right to overthrow the U.S. government, he argued that having a personal nuclear stockpile would allow citizens protection against common crimnals, too.
“Imagine an America where every single law-abiding citizen is packing atomic heat,” said Boehner. “You think some lowlife’s gonna try and rob you with a Saturday night special? I don’t think so. You don’t bring a knife to a gun fight and you don’t bring a six shooter to a nuclear war.”

When asked about the possibility of such weapons setting off a nuclear winter that could disrupt the global climate for a decade or more, Bachmann scoffed. “It’s a hoax!” she said. “I don’t believe it for a second. That’s just those east-coast lame street scientists trying to scare us again. If you go back and look at the facts, the day after we dropped the bomb on Hiroshima, the temperature was 86 degrees. That doesn’t sound like a nuclear winter to me. I mean, the liberals need to make up their minds. Is it global warming or nuclear winter? You can’t have it both ways.”

Broun, however, did go so far as to urge caution among his fellow nuke-packers. “We have to use common sense with these weapons,” he said. “For instance, while I plan on having the nuclear briefcase handcuffed to my wrist, my wife will have the launch codes. That way, I won’t be tempted to go to Defcon Four every time someone cuts me off in traffic.”

Thursday, January 13, 2011

WTF (Weird Trivia & Facts)

Hitler had dandruff.

The ship sent to Boston harbor in 1768 to enforce British taxes on the American colonies was the HMS Romney.

It takes 4 seconds for a silence to become awkward.

A drib is smaller than a drab.

A jiffy is 10 milliseconds.

Thither is farther from hither than yon.

An imbecile is more intelligent than an idiot, but less intelligent than a moron.

One in 18 people has a third nipple.

Cows have best friends, and miss them when they're separated.

Mr. Clean's first name is Veritably.

It's illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament wearing a suit of armor.

Norway once knighted a penguin. The penguin’s full name is Colonel-in-Chief Sir Nils Olav.

Spiders snuggle.

A group of weasels is a boogle.

A group of flamingos is a flamboyance.

A group of pugs is a grumble.

Turtles can breathe through their butt.
A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, Indiana.

The last businessman to be elected President of the United States was Herbert Hoover.

Thomas Crapper did not invent the flush toilet.

The Empire State Building is about 312 Gary Colemans tall.

One out of every three Americans knows someone who has been shot.

The largest dinosaur poo ever excavated measured more than 25 inches in length.

Thor's hammer was named Mjoelnir.

On Mercury, a day is longer than a year.

The hole in your shirt that you put your arm through is called an “armsaye.”

In 1938 and 1939, incoming Princeton freshmen, asked in a survey to name the "greatest living person," ranked Albert Einstein second. In first place? Adolf Hitler, both years.

We have left 188 tons of equipment on the moon.

Each day you inhale about 700,000 flakes of your own skin.

Male chimpanzees use the same gesture -- an extended arm and open hand -- to try to coax female chimpanzees to have sex and to beg for food.

Abbott and Costello hated each other.

Reno is further west than Los Angeles.

The United States is 7/10ths of an inch farther from Europe than it was a year ago.

Humans share 90 percent of their genes with sea anemones.

The U.S. Army tried to develop a robot bear.

The Liberty Bell weighs the equivalent of 11,093 tacos.

There is a 20 percent chance that our lives are just all part of a computer simulation, according to Oxford University professor Nick Bostrom.

The two-toed sloth has three toes.

The world record for longest leg hair is 4.88 inches.

The average sleepwalking episode lasts six minutes.

The Milky Way will collide with the Andromeda galaxy in 2 billion years.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Dead birds, shuttlecocks and the Mark of the Alien

Doomsday believers got more signs of the apocalypse recently, as reports of horrible disasters continued to ping around the planet. Thousands of dead birds falling from the sky all over the globe. 100,000 dead fish bubbling up in the Arkansas River. A new season of "Jersey Shore." What’s the cause of all these horrifying calamities? Is Kim Jong Il testing out a new death ray? Is it Al Gore and his weather machine? Are the endtimes creeping up on us like ill-fitting underwear? Boy, are you going to feel stupid when you find out the real reason for these strange happenings. No, it’s not the end of the world. It’s just three giant alien spaceships from the planet Zeeba heading for Earth to kill us all and probe us with their giant creepy finger probes. This according to the Weekly World News, which reported the following “major announcement” by SETI (Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence):

“‘Three giant spaceships are heading towards Earth. The largest one of them is 200 miles wide. Two others are slightly smaller. At present, the objects are just moving past Jupiter. Judging by their speed, they should be on Earth by early 2011,’ said John Malley, the lead extraterrestrial expert at SETI.
The spaceships were detected by HAARP search system. The system, based in Alaska, was designed to study the phenomenon of northern lights. According to SETI researchers, the objects are extraterrestrial spaceships. They will be visible in optical telescopes as soon as they reach Mars’s orbit – sometime in March of 2011. The US government has been reportedly informed about the event. … Beginning in February of 2011 the U.N. will begin preparing citizens of the world for the attack of the three spaceships – which are believed to come from Planet Zeeba.”

Dr. Malley goes on to explain the connection between the dead birds and the giant Zeeban spaceships:
“It’s all part of the alien invasion,” WWN quoted the ET expert as saying. “We have long known that when aliens attack on Earth, they go after the birds first.”
Meanwhile, in another WWN story, the online newspaper reports that more than 300,000 drum fish are dead in Arkansas, with “numerous reports of UFOs hovering over the fish kill.”
WWN spoke with “Dr. Anna Pfeffer, the world’s foremost ichthyologist and Olympic badminton champion,” who examined the dead drum fish and found “the Mark of the Alien” on each of the fish.
“Never in the history of fish have so many fish died at the exact time,” Pfeffer told the Weekly World News. “This is definitely the work of aliens. The Mark of the Alien seems to be from Planet Zeeba.”
WWN adds that “Dr. Pfeffer believes that Arkansas officials, as well as the federal government, are after her. She has hired several ex-KGB agents to protect her.”

What, you’re still not convinced? You don't think the Zeebans are out to get us? Perhaps the real reason behind all these mysterious animal deaths is something much simpler. Like God getting us ready for 2012. Well, famed Bible scrutinizer and number cruncher Harold Camping says: Not so fast, Chester!
"That date (2012) has not one stitch of biblical authority," Camping says from the Oakland office where he runs Family Radio, an evangelical station that reaches listeners around the world. "It's like a fairy tale."
The real date for the end of times, he says, is in 2011.
The Mayans and the movie "2012" have put the apocalypse on the front burner this year, but Camping has been at this business for a long time. And while Armageddon is pop science or big-screen entertainment to many, Camping has followers from the Bay Area to China.
Camping, 88, has scrutinized the Bible for almost 70 years and says he has developed a mathematical system to interpret prophecies hidden within the good book. One night a few years ago, Camping, a civil engineer by trade, crunched the numbers and was stunned at what he'd found: The world will end May 21, 2011.
This is not the first time Camping has made a bold prediction about Judgment Day.
On Sept. 6, 1994, dozens of the math whiz's believers gathered inside Alameda's Veterans Memorial Building to await the return of Jesus, an event Camping had promised for two years. Followers dressed children in their Sunday best and held Bibles open-faced toward heaven.

Spoiler alert!

Only Jesus was a no-show. The world didn’t end.
Camping allowed that he may have made a mathematical error. But, you’ll be relieved to know, he’s spent the past 16 years rejiggering his calculations, and this time he’s sure.
Employees at Camping's Oakland office run printing presses that publish Camping's pamphlets and books, and some wear T-shirts that read, "May 21, 2011." They're happy to talk about the day they believe their souls will be retrieved by Christ.
"I'm looking forward to it," said Ted Solomon, 60.

Me too, Ted. As long as there's no "Jersey Shore" in heaven.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

House Republicans Plan to Repeal the '60s

The new Republican majority in the House of Representatives took power yesterday, vowing to roll back everything Democrats had passed “in the last 50 years, including the entire decade of the 1960s.”
Newly-minted Speaker of the House, Rep. John Boehner (R-OH-range), said, “The ‘60’s were an outrage, filled with such travesties to rich, white men as the Civil Rights movement, sex, drugs and rock and roll. We’re going to take this thing all the way back to 1959, when sex was a private matter between two men in a certain stall in the men’s restroom on Concourse B at the Minneapolis airport, not a bunch of dirty hippies rolling around on a mudfarm in upstate New York.” Boehner, who spent the last days of the November election campaigning with a Nazi, then broke into tears and had to leave the room.
Boehner and new Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-VApid) also announced plans to form the new Committee to Reinvade Vietnam.
“The American people have spoken,” said Cantor of the midterm election that saw voters give Republicans control of half of one of the three branches of the federal government. “They repudiated everything the Democrats under Barack Hussein Obama have done and demand that we return America back to her former glory. And that means, among other things, going back to Vietnam, and this time we won’t leave until we win.”
Repealing the ‘60’s may only be the first step in Republican plans, as Rep. Michele Bachmann, (R-MINsane), revealed. “We’re going to take the country all the way back to the Old West, and maybe even further. You know, previously I had called for what those in the liberal media referred to as a McCarthy-like witch hunt for anti-Americans in congress. But personally, I’d like to see us go back to the actual witch hunts, like the ones they had in Salem in 1692. I suspect that we’d find a lot of these Democrats have been practicing sorcery over the past couple of years.”
Meanwhile, Rep. Darrell Issa, the new chairman of the House Oversight and Government Reform committee, has vowed to spend the next two years investigating whether or not President Obama’s driver’s license is valid.
“We don’t believe he’s licensed to drive,” said Issa. “That license I saw on the internet looks faked. The American people have a right to know the truth.”
Cantor, meanwhile, acknowledged that since Democrats still control the Senate, none of what House Republicans do has much chance of actually passing into law, but warned, “We’re getting closer to a majority in the Senate. We’ve got 46 votes now, 47 if we can get (Louisiana Senator David) Vitter out of that New Orleans brothel.”

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Look, down on the ground. It's a bird. It's a plane. It's ... a Kia full of superheroes?

Since this blog is called The Daily Wedgie, you can see how I’d get excited when I hear that people are running around Seattle with their underwear on the outside. Oh, wait. They’re just superheroes.
Apparently there are nine of these “Superheroes” patrolling the streets of Seattle at night, fighting crime. They call themselves the Rain City Superhero Movement and say they’re part of a nationwide organization of real-life crimefighters.
According to police, the Seattle superheroes go by the names Thorn, Buster Doe, The Green Reaper, Gemini, No Name, Catastrophe, Thunder 88, Penelope and Phoenix Jones, the Guardian of Seattle.
Jones is a 22-year-old man who, every night, strolls into a Seattle comic store, enters a hidden back room and emerges transformed in a costume that includes a skin-tight rubber suit, black cape, blue tights, white belt and mask, a bulletproof vest and a bulletproof cup that covers his groin area. Police say he’s often driven around town by a young woman not in costume. She doesn’t get out of the car, instead waiting patiently while the Guardian does his thing.
But before you write the Guardian and his superfriends off as just another bunch of tights-wearing wannabes, they actually have fought some crime, including one incident in which the Guardian chased off a car prowler in Lynnwood.
The encounter started when a man, who asked to be identified only as Dan, was walking back to his car in a parking lot and saw some yob trying to pry open his car. Dan began to call 911, but said help arrived before he even finished dialing.
“From the right, this guy comes dashing in, wearing this skin-tight rubber, black and gold suit, and starts chasing him away,” said Dan.
Police, however, aren’t so enthusiastic about the group, saying the “costume-wearing complainants” are lucky they haven’t been hurt. In one instance, police say a witness on Capitol Hill saw the crusaders wearing ski masks in a car parked at a gas station and thought they were going to rob the place. Police got the license plate and found the masked characters drove a Kia Fate registered to one Superhero's godmother. She told police her godson goes around doing good deeds.
Quick, No Name! To the crapmobile!

Sunday, January 2, 2011

The Year of Living Stupidly, Part 2: Electric Boogaloo

In our last Wedgie, we regifted some of our favorite stories from last year. And, it being the holiday season, of course we have lots of leftovers. So today we present: 2010, The Year of Living Stupidly, Part Duh: Stupid Criminals Edition.

Because he didn’t have any breadcrumbs
From Australia: Man charged with multiple robberies posts bail, immediately breaks into several more homes, leaving his police charge sheet at the scene of one crime and the DVD of his police interview at another.

Current mood: Stupid
Big Coppitt Key, Fla.: 18-year-old man breaks into home, steals items, logs onto his My Space page and leaves. Forgetting to log off.

I m so s2pid, LOL
Lindale, Texas: Woman intending to text her pot dealer to set up a buy mistakenly sends text to Smith County Sheriff’s narcotics team.

Uhh, we’ll be in touch
Barrie, Ontario: 40-year-old woman shoplifts clothing from store, then wears the stolen outfit back to the store the next day to interview for a job. After meeting with the store manager and handing over her resume, the woman is then spotted on store security cameras stealing more items.

Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em
Jacksonville, Fla.: After getting kicked out by his girlfriend, man returns to her house the next day and breaks back window. When police arrive, man tells them he still has clothes inside, so his ex lets him and the cops in. Man can’t find his stuff, but he does find a bag of pot, which he tells the cops is his, at which point, according to the officers, he asks them if it would be okay if he “smokes his weed.”

Don’t go off half-caulked
From Austin, Texas: Man tries to rob gas station with caulk gun, attendant fights back with plastic trash can, robber flees in red pickup truck with Kenneth, the transgender prostitute he’d picked up earlier. The Aristocrats!

Saturday, January 1, 2011

A Note From the Wedgietor

Happy New Year, foofs. We trust you all had a Merry Christmahannukwanzadan. I think that covers just about everyone.
To those of you who've just stumbled onto this site and have no clue what it is, first, stop screaming, please. You're disturbing the other inmates. Second, you're not having a nightmare. You've simply fallen down a wormhole to the bottom of the interwebs. It's important to remember that, since you are in a wormhole, if you feel an itch, please don't drag your butt on the carpet. I just had it cleaned. Also, if you cut off my head I won't die, because, like all worms, I have no brain, but I can sense light with my photoreceptors! And, since I am a worm, I'm hermaphroditic, so if you tell me to go f--- myself (I'm lookin' at you, Mr. Cheney), I'll take you literally.
Like any self-respecting Lumbricus terrestris, I spend most of my time tunneling through the soil of the internet, scouring the dirt and muck for the funniest, oddest, stupidest, strangest news that's out there, and bringing it to the surface. Think of me as the bastard lovechild of Walter Cronkite and Beavis and Butthead. Only I have no appendages and I secrete slime. Fair warning!
So, thanks for dropping in. Have a look around. Have fun. And when you leave, if you happen to find something you think is funny at some other site, feel free to send it over. I can't do everything myself. Hey, I'm a worm here! I got no arms or legs!

And that's the way it is, fartknockers.