Saturday, January 22, 2011

A Pain in the Astrological Chart and Other News

You’ll have to excuse me, I’ve been busy lately, what with these new zodiac signs and all. Ever since that story in the Minneapolis Star-Tribune came out that says the moon's gravitational pull "wobbled" the earth's rotation, creating a one-month bump in the star alignment, I’ve been all screwed up. After spending my whole life as a Scorpio, now I have to switch to being a Libra. Great! So all of a sudden I have to stop being “passionate, intense, jealous and volatile,” and start acting “compassionate and loving.” That sucks! Uhhh, I mean, yeah, sorry astrologists, I know this change must be really hard on you, too. Here, let me fluff your pillow for you – and SMOTHER YOU WITH IT! TAKE THAT, STUPID STAR JUMBLERS …. I mean, here, let me help you. Put your feet up and relax. Can I bring you anything? Pop tarts? Some hot cocoa, perhaps? I’LL THROW IT IN YOUR STUPID FACE YOU LOUSY TAROT-TURNING GOONS! … There, there, just sit back and relax WHILE I CRAM YOUR STUPID MOON CHART UP URANUS!!!
Well, you get the point. I’ve been a bit confused. So let’s take a look at what we’ve missed the past few days while I’ve been wrestling with my star alignment changes. Here are some of the latest stories from the news wires:

English Headline Writers Rejoice
In the U.K., amidst rumors that his wife had had an affair with her police bodyguard, the opposition Labour party’s economics spokesperson stepped down and was immediately replaced by a man named Ed Balls.

Did They Have to Hold Another One An Hour Later When Everyone Was Hungry Again?
Obama holds first Chinese state dinner in 13 years.

Is That a Swordfish in Your Pocket Or Are You Just Happy Sashimi?
Victoria man charged with attacking another man with a swordfish

Douchebag, Ignoramus in the Clear
Aurora, Colo., police are searching for a 35-year-old man named Joseph Moron, wanted on numerous counts. According to a police statement, “If anyone has seen Moron, they’re asked to call Aurora Police.”

Hello, Aurora Police? I Think We Found Him
A New York City man was threatened with arrest in Las Vegas after he called police to complain that the prostitute he hired to come to his hotel room hadn’t stayed for the full hour. He is now suing the escort service for $1.8 million.

He’s Just Looking For His Condo Made of Stone-a
Residents in Cypress, Texas, are on alert after a man has been seen running around the area dressed as a mummy.

Best of All, It’s in Lint Condition!
A Roscommon, Mich., woman has made a 14-ft. replica of Leonardo da Vinci’s “The Last Supper” out of laundry lint.

Keep Retching For the Stars
A 25-year-old Chinese man has been named the World Champion at throwing up.

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