Thursday, June 30, 2011

What to Do in the Zombie Apocalypse? Write Zombie Haiku, Of Course!

Recently, in Leicester, England, a “concerned citizen” used a Freedom of Information request to ask how the city would handle a zombie attack. The answer was, apparently, not well. So a week later, about 150 people dressed up like the undead and took part in a “mass shamble” through town to the city council’s offices. According to the shamble organizer: “We didn't try to get inside - just pressed ourselves up against the glass like zombies do.”

Thankfully, a group of Canadian researchers from the University of Ottawa have been studying the zombie apocalypse issue. In their study, the brainiacs posed the question: If there was to be a battle between zombies and the living, who would win? Their conclusion: humanity’s only hope against the zombies would be to “hit them hard and hit them often.” The researchers added: “It’s imperative that zombies are dealt with quickly or else … we are all in a great deal of trouble.”

Hey, thanks a lot, Poindexters!

Lucky for you, we’ve been down in the Wedgie Lab, working hard on the zombie problem, and here's what we've come up with: We're all doomed! But while we haven't found any answers for how to deal with the zombie apocalypse, we have written some pretty lame zombie haiku, so at least you'll have something to read while you're waiting for the undead to show up and eat your brain. Here you go, lamebrains:

Zombie barbecue
BYOB. Translation?
Means: “Bring your own brains.”

Of all cereals
What’s a zombie’s favorite?
Raisin Brain, of course!

Zombie stands, clears throat:
“My name is Doug, and I am
a brainaholic.”

Undead Golden Girls
At the early bird special
Ah! ZomBea Arthur!

Zombie at my door
so I shot him dead. Oops! Uhh…
Sorry, Keith Richard!

Undead Trump demands
to see Zombie Obama’s
Death Certificate

Orange-faced zombie
Undead Speaker of the House
Hello, John Broehner

Stagger-thru window
At the Zombie MacDonald’s
You want brains with that?

I received a Tweet
Undead Anthony Weiner
Picture of his brain

Road rage on I-5
He gave me the finger, so
I bit it off. Yum!

Brains brains brains brains brains
Brains brains brains brains brains brains brains
Brains brains brains burp brains

Alaskan zombies
Went to Sarah Palin’s house
Alas, no brains there

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Kim Kardashian X-Rays Her Butt, Finds Al Capone’s Missing Treasure

Agents from the Internal Revenue Service were dispatched to the Beverly Hills home of Kim Kardashian on Saturday after an X-ray of the reality star’s behind revealed Al Capone’s famous missing treasure lodged inside her rectal cavity.

Kardashian, sick of people questioning whether her behind is real or not, went to her family doctor and got an X-ray to prove that her rear is all natural and not enhanced with implants. But according to UsMagazine.com, the X-ray technician was shocked when Kardashian’s butt X-ray showed not the inside of her empty booty, but a real booty instead.

A spokesman for the reality star read the following statement to the press:

“Ms. Kardashian was taken immediately to Cedar’s Sinai Medical Center, where the items were removed in a surgical procedure. I can confirm at this time that the items included several stacks of aged currency, totaling a sum of $1.2 million, three cases of bootlegged whisky, and various mementos from the 1920s. The items were inspected by agents from the Internal Revenue Service, as well as two historians from UCLA, who positively identified them as belonging to the notorious 1920s gangster Al ‘Scarface’ Capone. Ms. Kardashian has no idea how Mr. Capone’s property came to be in her behind, and she is cooperating fully with the authorities in this matter.”

The spokesman added that Kardashian is resting comfortably in the hospital, and that the entire procedure was taped and will appear in an upcoming episode of the reality show "Keeping Up With the Kardashians.”

Kardashian’s sister Khloe, meanwhile, tweeted the image of Kim and her X-ray, saying, “Al Capone’s loot is lodged in Kim’s ass! Are you serious?! Her butt is, like, iconic. Eat your heart out, Geraldo! LOL.”

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

You’re Gonna Need a Bigger Blog

This week, Jaws turns 36 years old. Yes, on June 20, 1975, the movie that made an entire generation fill their swim trunks with fear was released. So Happy Birthday, you giant man-eating killing machine! In honor of this jawspicious event, we’re declaring this Shark Week here at the Wedgie. And we’re kicking it off with these lame shark jokes:

Q: What’s green and gross and lives under the sea?
A: Shark boogers!

Q: What was the shark's favorite Pixar movie?
A: Eating Nemo

Q: What did the shark order at McDonalds?
A: A quarter flounder with cheese.

Q: Who gives sharks presents on Christmas?
A: Santa Jaws.

Q: What would happen if Jaws ate Harry Potter?
A: You’d get a movie called “The Wizard of Jaws.”

Q: How do you shoot a blue shark?
A: With a blue shark spear gun.

Q: How do you shoot a great white shark?
A: Hold his nose until he turns blue, then shoot him with a blue shark spear gun.

Uhh, okay, those jokes really bite. But here’s a totally jawesome story about the making of “Jaws,” from IMDB.com:

During pre-production, director Steven Spielberg, accompanied by friends Martin Scorsese, George Lucas and John Milius, visited the effects shop where "Bruce" (the mechanical shark used in the movie) was being constructed. Lucas stuck his head in the shark's mouth to see how it worked and, as a joke, Milius and Spielberg sneaked to the controls and made the jaw clamp shut on Lucas' head. Unfortunately the shark malfunctioned, and Lucas got stuck in the mouth of the shark. When Spielberg and Milius were finally able to free him, the four men ran out of the workshop, afraid they'd done major damage to the creature.

Michael Caine, who stars in Jaws: The Revenge ("This Time It’s Personal!"), on the movie:
"I have never seen it, but by all accounts it is terrible. However, I have seen the house that it built, and it is terrific."

And, finally, one more jaws-droppingly bad joke:

Q: What did the shark find in Davey Jones’ locker?
A: Smelly gym shorts!


Thursday, June 16, 2011

Anthony Weiner Resigns to Spend More Time With His Penis

Rep. Anthony Weiner has resigned his seat in Congress after a two-week scandal spawned by lewd photos the New York lawmaker took of himself and sent online to numerous women.

“I am resigning my seat in the House of Representatives so that I can spend more time taking pictures of my nether regions and tweeting them around the world,” Weiner said at a news conference in Brooklyn. Weiner added that he hopes to compile the photos into a coffee table book and have it in stores in time for Christmas. “I’m speaking with a couple of publishers, but no deal is imminent at this time,” he said.

Republican congressional leaders expressed satisfaction that their calls for Weiner’s resignation had finally culminated in the New York Democrat’s leaving office.

“It’s about time,” said Sen. David Vitter, R-La., speaking to reporters in the lobby of a New Orleans bordello, where Vitter said he was getting a “massage.”

“Rep. Weiner has besmirched the honor and dignity of the United States congress with his immoral and disgusting behavior,” said Vitter, who was clad only in a diaper. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have an important submissiveness training seminar with Madame Domina, or, as I must call her, She Who Must Be Obeyed.”

Vitter then put a pacifier into his mouth, dropped to his knees and crawled out of the room on all fours, crying like a little baby as a tall woman dressed in a black, leather miniskirt and thigh-high spike-heeled boots followed behind him, cracking a long, red whip.

Elsewhere on Capital Hill, Speaker of the House John Boehner introduced a bill to give disgraced Senator John Ensign the Medal of Freedom.

Ensign resigned in May after a 22-month Senate investigation into his sordid affair with the wife of a staffer left the Nevada Republican facing expulsion from the Senate and possible criminal charges.

“Nobody embodies the principles of freedom more than Senator John Ensign, with his swinging ways,” said Boehner.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Michele Bachmann: “Replace Federal Government With Craig’s List”

Two days after Tim Pawlenty unveiled his “Google Test,” saying that if you can find a good or service on Google, the government shouldn’t be offering it, Michele Bachmann announced her own plan to slash spending.

“I call it the Craig’s List Quiz,” said Bachmann, speaking before a crowd of eight Tea Party Republicans in Smoot, Iowa. “You’ve got all these people offering their services on Craig’s List. So why turn to the government to answer all your problems? Instead, log on to Craig’s List.”

As an example, Bachmann cited research she and her staff had performed the night before.

“Last night, I did a little research on Craig’s List, and you know, you can find just about anything on there! You want to invade Libya? Just type in ‘Mercenary.’ You can hire an entire army right there from the comfort of your own couch. And they come with their own weapons. So we can disband the military. Just think how much we can save! And what about education? I did a search for ‘Tutors.’ A whole bunch of ‘em popped up! Math, Science, Economics, you name it, the private sector has it. So why do we need public schools? We don’t. Government just needs to get out of the way and let the free market spread its wings.

“You want to learn about how the Founding Fathers worked tirelessly to get rid of slavery? You don’t need to pay some fatcat, Socialist, unionized public employee 30 or 40 thousand dollars a year, plus benefits. Just hire one of these guys online!”

Meanwhile, House Republicans today announced a proposal to make Pawlenty’s “Google Test” the law of the land.

“Looky here,” said House Majority Leader Eric Cantor, speaking to reporters on a conference call from his Washington office. “I just typed ‘free food’ into the Google and a whole buncha stuff came up. Food banks, soup kitchens. Here’s a You Tube video called ‘How to Get Free Food From Restaurant Dumpsters.’ Boom. There ya go. No more Food Stamps. We don’t need ‘em. I just saved the taxpayers $60 billion.”

Cantor then typed something else into his computer. “Here’s another idea. You wanta find a criminal? You don’t need the FBI. I just googled ‘Find a fugitive.’ Check it out. This guy looks like he could do the job. Dog the Bounty Hunter dot com. Look, he’s got a badge and everything. Boom! I just saved the taxpayers another $300 billion.”

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Palin: Paul Revere Tried to Warn British About Anthony Weiner’s Penis

Sarah Palin said today that the real purpose for Paul Revere’s famous 1775 “midnight ride” was to warn the British about Anthony Weiner’s penis tweets.

“He who warned uh, the British that they weren’t gonna be takin’ away our freedom of speech rights, uh by snappin’ those photos, and um, makin’ sure as he’s riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and tweets that we were going to be sure and we were going to be free, and we were going to be armed. With bulging underpants.”

Upon hearing Palin’s latest free-form interpretation of American history, the Mama Grizzly’s supporters immediately flocked to Wikipedia and furiously edited Henry Wadsworth Longfellow’s famous poem, “The Midnight Ride of Paul Revere,” to match her claims.

Here is an excerpt of the new Palinized version of the poem:

“The Midnight Tweet of Anthony Weiner”
by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Listen my children and you shall hear
Of the midnight tweet of Anthony Weiner,
On the eighteenth of May, in 2011
His underpants bulging, like a loaf of bread that’s been leavened
In a tweet that was heard ‘round the blogosphere

He sent to a co-ed, out west in Seattle
Tweets of his junior representative, begging her not to tattle.
But Breitbart, the goon, never associated with fact
Found the tweet and fired the first shots of attack.
“Aha!” cried Breitbart, with a mighty bellow.
“Weiner’s tweeted photos of his little Longfellow.
“That’s him, in his undies, in these photos, so lewd.”
Said Weiner: “I can’t say that’s my penis, with any certitude.”

“No, no!” said the Rep. “My Tweets have been hacked.
‘Tis not me, committing some Twitter sex act.”
“It’s him,” said Breitbart. “Of morals, he’s bereft.
We all know that this Weiner leans hard to the left.”
And then from the Internet, other accusations, they sprang
Until Weiner admitted, “Yes, ‘twas me. I tweeted my wang.”
“Vindication!” cried Breitbart. “For me, who’ve been scorned,
After Shirley Sherrod, and my shameful lies ‘bout ACORN.”

And now the party of Vitter and Ensign demand an election
After Weiner resigns, due to his tweeted erection.
But Weiner stands firm ‘neath the onslaught and vows, still,
That he will not step down just because of arousal.
And the American public is left but to wonder,
How a guy name of Weiner could make such a blunder.
Should we now worry about a boner from Boehner, or, not to be outdone,
Perhaps Norman Dicks, the Dem from Washington?

Will Rep. Anna Eshoo of California tweet herself sneezing?
Or will it be Roy Blunt of Missouri, toking up and a-wheezing?
Will we see Rep. John Boozman, drunk on the lawn?
Will Mike Crapo tweet pictures of himself on the john?
Will Richard Lugar be caught hocking goop from his nose?
Or Orrin Hatch sitting nude on an egg, I suppose.
All this because Weiner, sadly named at his birth
Tried to let his Longfellow shoot its Wadsworth.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Speed 2: Sarah Palin Says Bus Will Explode if Donations Dip Below $50kph

Sarah Palin said today that her “One Nation” bus tour must stay above $50,000 in donations per hour or her bus will explode.

“Pop quiz, hot shots,” said Palin, speaking with reporters on a conference call from her bus as it sped south out of New York City. “There’s a bomb on a bus. Once donations to my SarahPac Web site dip below $50,000 an hour, it blows up. What do you do? What do you do?”

The former half-governor of Alaska and current reality TV star, who is travelling around the eastern seaboard in a bus for some reason, had been counting on raising millions in donations from her “One Nation Tour,” but, apparently, the money has been slow to roll in. So the Tea Party queen announced Wednesday that her bus would start taking on paying customers. After boarding some two dozen passengers at various stops around Manhattan, the bus took off down Interstate 478.

A Palin aide traveling with the Fox News celebrity said that Palin had said that if any passengers tried to get off the bus, she would blow it up. Witnesses along the bus route said they could hear screams coming from terrified passengers inside the bus, although it wasn’t clear if they knew about the bomb, or if they were simply being forced to watch tapes of the former Vice Presidential candidate’s speeches.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Ward, I'm worried about The Beaver

Today is The Beaver’s birthday. No, not the sock puppet crazy Mel Gibson wears on his hand and speaks through in his new movie, “The Beaver.” We’re talking about The Beav’! Yes, Jerry Mathers, who played Beaver Cleaver in the old sitcom “Leave it to Beaver,” turns 62 today.

Although, hmmm, that does get us to thinking about the two Beavers, Beaver Cleaver and crazy Mel Gibson’s sock puppet Beaver. You know, because they have so much in common. In fact, we bet you can’t even tell the difference between them in this list of quotes. Go ahead, give it a try!

In each pair of quotes below, we’ve included one soundbite from Beaver Cleaver, and one from the other “Beaver,” Mel Gibson. See if you can tell which is which:

On Dealing With Stress:
A. “Boy, I sure wish there was somebody in the family for me to yell at.”

On Geopolitical Matters:
“I wouldn't wanna do anything to hurt God. He's got enough trouble with the Russians and all.”
B. “Fucking Jews …. The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world … Are you a Jew?”

On Girls:
“But gee, Wally, you hang around with girls and the guys don't give you the business.”
B. “What do you think you’re looking at, sugar tits?”

On Jungle Movies:
“The Mayan culture is shrouded in mystery and myths. I didn't show half the stuff I read about. I read about an orgy of sacrifice: 20,000 people sacrificed in four days. They were also very fond of impaling genitals and torturing people for years on end.”
B. “There was too much kissin' and not enough apes.”

On Guys They Don’t Like:
“How come Eddie’s such a creepy guy?”
B. “I want to kill him. I want his intestines on a stick. I want to kill his dog.”

On Hanging Out:
“You know something, Wally? I'd rather do nothin' with you than somethin' with anybody else.”
B. “Go ahead to the goddamn Jacuzzi yourself. Go ahead, fuck it, fuck the Jacuzzi. It’s a thing. You have no fucking soul.”

On Teeth:
“I did not hit Oksana with a closed fist, as she alleges. I did not punch her in the face, in the temple or anywhere else, not then or at any other time. There was never any blood and no teeth were 'broken,' although one of the false veneers from a tooth apparently came off, I did not see that occur.”
B. “Sure, Dad. If all your teeth fall out, you won't have anything to eat groceries with, anyways.

Stress: A. Beaver Cleaver B. Beaver Mel
Geopolitics: A. Beaver Cleaver B. Beaver Mel
Girls: A. Beaver Cleaver B. Beaver Mel
Jungle Movies: A. Beaver Mel B. Beaver Cleaver
Guys They Don’t Like: A. Beaver Cleaver B. Beaver Mel
Hanging Out: A. Beaver Cleaver B. Beaver Mel
Teeth: A. Beaver Mel B. Beaver Cleaver (After Ward tells June that he can’t pick up groceries for her because he has a dentist appointment)

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Sarah Palin Bus Now Picking Up Passengers, Making Stops

With donations to her “SarahPac” lagging for her cross-country bus tour, Sarah Palin announced that she would start carrying passengers on her bus and making regular stops, like Greyhound.

The failed vice presidential candidate had been counting on raising millions in donations from her “One Nation Tour,” billed as a campaign to “promote the Fundamental Restoration of America,” but, apparently, the money just didn’t roll in. So the Tea Party queen announced Wednesday that her bus would start taking on paying customers.

“We’re changing gears,” Palin said, between greeting passengers as they boarded the red, white and blue painted bus on 5th Avenue in Manhattan. “We’re now a full-service passenger bus line serving over 250 destinations across the U.S. We’ll still be stopping at all the important sites of interest in the heartland of this great nation of ours, such as the World’s Biggest Ball of Twine in Cawker City, Kansas, and a shoehorn once used by Ronald Reagan in Dustbin, Iowa. Plus we’ll be shootin’ buffalo, varmints and what have you out the windows, just like our forefathers used to as they crisscrossed this great land so many centuries ago.”

Palin said she’d already been moved by sites she’d visited on her bus tour, like Mount Vernon, the famous home of President George Washington.

“Even Piper was able to grasp the significance of being in the presence of our first President - who had such diverse interests,” Palin said of her 10-year-old daughter. “When she told me later how hard he must have worked to keep that farm going, planting all those seeds and harvesting all the crops all by himself! And, my gosh, we were so impressed by how Mr. Washington gave free food and lodging to all those black people who just showed up on his farm, apparently, lookin’ for a handout.”

Meanwhile, Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-NY), announced that he, too, will take to the road. Weiner said he will travel cross-country in a vehicle he’s dubbed "The Wienermobile," in an effort to clear his name following the hacking of his Twitter account.

“It has nothing to do with the Oscar Mayer motorized hot dog,” said Wiener. “This car is named after a penis. I can’t say with certitude whether it’s named after my penis. However, I will be handing out hot dogs and Wiener Whistles to people I meet on the highway, or who I happen to follow on Twitter.”