Thursday, June 16, 2011

Anthony Weiner Resigns to Spend More Time With His Penis

Rep. Anthony Weiner has resigned his seat in Congress after a two-week scandal spawned by lewd photos the New York lawmaker took of himself and sent online to numerous women.

“I am resigning my seat in the House of Representatives so that I can spend more time taking pictures of my nether regions and tweeting them around the world,” Weiner said at a news conference in Brooklyn. Weiner added that he hopes to compile the photos into a coffee table book and have it in stores in time for Christmas. “I’m speaking with a couple of publishers, but no deal is imminent at this time,” he said.

Republican congressional leaders expressed satisfaction that their calls for Weiner’s resignation had finally culminated in the New York Democrat’s leaving office.

“It’s about time,” said Sen. David Vitter, R-La., speaking to reporters in the lobby of a New Orleans bordello, where Vitter said he was getting a “massage.”

“Rep. Weiner has besmirched the honor and dignity of the United States congress with his immoral and disgusting behavior,” said Vitter, who was clad only in a diaper. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have an important submissiveness training seminar with Madame Domina, or, as I must call her, She Who Must Be Obeyed.”

Vitter then put a pacifier into his mouth, dropped to his knees and crawled out of the room on all fours, crying like a little baby as a tall woman dressed in a black, leather miniskirt and thigh-high spike-heeled boots followed behind him, cracking a long, red whip.

Elsewhere on Capital Hill, Speaker of the House John Boehner introduced a bill to give disgraced Senator John Ensign the Medal of Freedom.

Ensign resigned in May after a 22-month Senate investigation into his sordid affair with the wife of a staffer left the Nevada Republican facing expulsion from the Senate and possible criminal charges.

“Nobody embodies the principles of freedom more than Senator John Ensign, with his swinging ways,” said Boehner.

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