Thursday, June 30, 2011

What to Do in the Zombie Apocalypse? Write Zombie Haiku, Of Course!

Recently, in Leicester, England, a “concerned citizen” used a Freedom of Information request to ask how the city would handle a zombie attack. The answer was, apparently, not well. So a week later, about 150 people dressed up like the undead and took part in a “mass shamble” through town to the city council’s offices. According to the shamble organizer: “We didn't try to get inside - just pressed ourselves up against the glass like zombies do.”

Thankfully, a group of Canadian researchers from the University of Ottawa have been studying the zombie apocalypse issue. In their study, the brainiacs posed the question: If there was to be a battle between zombies and the living, who would win? Their conclusion: humanity’s only hope against the zombies would be to “hit them hard and hit them often.” The researchers added: “It’s imperative that zombies are dealt with quickly or else … we are all in a great deal of trouble.”

Hey, thanks a lot, Poindexters!

Lucky for you, we’ve been down in the Wedgie Lab, working hard on the zombie problem, and here's what we've come up with: We're all doomed! But while we haven't found any answers for how to deal with the zombie apocalypse, we have written some pretty lame zombie haiku, so at least you'll have something to read while you're waiting for the undead to show up and eat your brain. Here you go, lamebrains:

Zombie barbecue
BYOB. Translation?
Means: “Bring your own brains.”

Of all cereals
What’s a zombie’s favorite?
Raisin Brain, of course!

Zombie stands, clears throat:
“My name is Doug, and I am
a brainaholic.”

Undead Golden Girls
At the early bird special
Ah! ZomBea Arthur!

Zombie at my door
so I shot him dead. Oops! Uhh…
Sorry, Keith Richard!

Undead Trump demands
to see Zombie Obama’s
Death Certificate

Orange-faced zombie
Undead Speaker of the House
Hello, John Broehner

Stagger-thru window
At the Zombie MacDonald’s
You want brains with that?

I received a Tweet
Undead Anthony Weiner
Picture of his brain

Road rage on I-5
He gave me the finger, so
I bit it off. Yum!

Brains brains brains brains brains
Brains brains brains brains brains brains brains
Brains brains brains burp brains

Alaskan zombies
Went to Sarah Palin’s house
Alas, no brains there

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