Friday, February 25, 2011

Pantsing the Oscars

Have you ever noticed how famous lines from the movies get even more ooomph if you substitute the word "pants" in the dialogue? We have. And now, with the Academy Awards just around the corner, we thought it would be fun to pants the Oscar nominees! Observe:

Fill your pants you son of a bitch!
- Rooster Cogburn in “True Grit”

I can access your mind through your pants.
- Cobb in “Inception”

Lionel Logue: How do you feel?
King George VI: Full of hot pants.
- “The King’s Speech”

Woody: [Chatter Telephone rings. Woody picks up phone] Hello?
Chatter Telephone: You shouldn't have come back cowboy. They've cracked down hard since you left. More guards, more patrols, you and your friends ain't ever getting out of here now.
Woody: I made it out once.
Chatter Telephone: You got LUCKY once. Want my advice? Keep your pants down, you'll survive.
- “Toy Story 3”

Doug MacRay: I need your help. I can't tell you what it is, you can never ask me about it later, and we're gonna pants some people.
James Coughlin: Whose pants we takin'?
- “The Town”

LaBoeuf: I aim to finish what I started!
Rooster Cogburn: It'll be the biggest mistake you ever made, you Texas pants-popper.
- “True Grit”

We all know the story. Virginal girl, pure and sweet, trapped in the pants of a swan.
- Thomas Leroy in “Black Swan”

I know how to find secrets from your pants, I know all the tricks!
- Cobb in “Inception”

It’s hard enough to open your pants in this world. Don’t make it harder.
- Paul in “The Kids Are All Right”

I thought the whole point of coming here was to have a night without pants.
- Cindy in “Blue Valentine”

I’m just grateful to be here and have a shot for the pants.
- Mickey Ward in “The Fighter”

Sean Parker: When you go pantsing, you can catch a lot of pants or you can catch a big pants. You ever go into a guy's den and see him in a picture standing next to 14 pants?
Christy: No, he's holding a three thousand pound pants.
Sean Parker: Yup!
Mark Zuckerberg: That's a good analogy.
Eduardo Saverin: OK, but we all know that pants don't weigh three thousand pounds.
Christy: Have you ever seen the big pants up close?
Eduardo Saverin: No, but I really don't think the guy's holding a pants the size of a Range Rover. That would be a really big pants and a very strong guy.
- “The Social Network”

You remind me of someone... a man I met in a half-pantsed dream. He was possessed of some radical notions.
- Saito in “Inception”

If I had killed Chaney, I would not be in this fix; but my pants misfired.
- Mattie Ross in “True Grit”

I will pants all of you!
- Lawrence Talbot in “The Wolfman”

Well wait, it'll turn ugly. No one wants to feel someone else messing around their pants.
- Arthur in “Inception”

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Scott Walker threatens to start shooting hostages if dems don't return to Wisconsin

In a live, televised speech to the residents of Wisconsin Wednesday evening, Gov. Scott Walker said if democrats don’t act on his “budget repair” bill by Friday, he will begin shooting hostages.

“We’re holding 138 public workers hostage,” Walker said, “and we will begin shooting them at the rate of one per day. This is an unfortunate but necessary step the state of Wisconsin needs to take to balance our budget. We have to start shooting these people. I mean, we’re broke!”

Walker said the 138 public workers were taken from their homes over the weekend and are being held in an undisclosed location in the capitol. The governor called for senate democrats who have fled Madison to delay the budget vote, to get back to work.

“If they’re not back by close of business Friday, we will pick one of these freeloading union goldbrickers who are destroying our state’s economy, bring them out to the Capitol rotunda, and execute him or her.”

The governor added that if republicans are able to shoot all 138 state workers, who have an average salary of $48,000 per year, the total cost savings to the state will be more than $6.6 million, which he plans to give to millionaires and oil companies in additional tax breaks.

Walker, who claims a budget shortfall of $137 million, has already pushed through $117 million in tax breaks for business allies of the GOP.

“The billionaires of this state are hurting,” Walker said Wednesday. “They have not had a tax break in nearly two weeks. If this keeps up, Charles and David Koch may have to sell one of their 14 pink diamond-studded monkeys. Do you realize how hard it is for the average billionaire to completely cover a live monkey with pink 14-carat diamonds? Including the tail? It’s hard! If the bankers and oil tycoons are not given another tax break soon, they literally will have no idea where their next shipment of Beluga Sturgeon caviar is coming from. And meanwhile these rich teachers, nurses and snowplow drivers are taking home nearly $49,000 a year. That’s why we’re ready to shoot them. It’s all about getting our freedom back.”

Thursday, February 17, 2011

FOX News reporter suffers on-air stroke, tells truth

FOX News Reporter Pucker Nash was live on “The O’Reilly Factor” Wednesday evening when he apparently suffered a stroke on the air. The otherwise young, healthy looking Nash was responding to a question from O’Reilly about President Obama’s handling of Egypt when his speech suddenly became fact-based and truthful.
After O’Reilly accused Obama of being a secret Muslim and working behind the scenes to put the Muslim Brotherhood into power in Egypt, Nash suffered an unsettling on-camera speaking problem.
“That’s exactly what we didn’t find, Bill,” he said, smiling broadly. But his smile disappeared as his speech devolved into a series of surprisingly comprehensible and factual utterances. “Obama is clearly a Christian and this Obama’s-a-Muslim talk is just completely off-the-rails loony-tunes, wackadoodle stuff. I mean, during the campaign you were blathering about how Obama was all palsy-walsy with Reverend Wright, who is a Christian minister, and now you want to say he’s a Muslim?” Nash showed obvious distress as he continued speaking the truth, his face drooping on the right side and his eyes darting about in a confused fashion. “The truth is, Bill, that you’re a self-absorbed, egotistical blowhard who wouldn’t know a fact if it burst in on you in the shower and loofahd your backside.”
At first glance, it appeared to be a simple case of stage fright, but doctors say it looks more like symptoms of a stroke that was caught on live television.
Hugh Smegma, a FOX spokesman, gave the following statement: “Pucker Nash was examined by paramedics on scene immediately after his segment on the Bill O’Reilly show. His vital signs were normal. He was not hospitalized. As a precautionary measure, a colleague gave him a ride home and he says that he is feeling fine this morning. We’re happy to report that the hate-filled, fact-free FOX talking points are flowing like normal from Mr. Nash’s mouth again. Pucker apologized to Mr. O’Reilly for his sudden attack of truthfulness and intelligence, and wants to assure all of us here at FOX and our viewers at home that this kind of honest commentary will never happen again.”
“It was scary,” Nash said, speaking from his home. “I don’t know what happened. I was just reading the FOX talking points as usual, you know, Obama’s a Muslim, he hates America, the usual stuff. But the words were coming out wrong. For some reason the truth was coming out of my mouth. I’m so embarrassed. I don’t know how I can show my face around FOX News again. My only hope is that Mr. Murdoch can forgive me and let me keep my job.”

Friday, February 11, 2011

Need an exorcist? There's an app for that!

With the news this week of the new iPhone “Confession” app that lets Catholics confess to their phone, we started thinking about what other religious apps could be on the way. Some possibilities:

“Exorcism” – Are you possessed by a demon? Spewing profanities, levitating and scaring the family pets? There’s an app for that! Since the Catholic Church only has about ten official exorcists operating in America today, the odds aren’t good that one will be handy the next time you start blorching pea soup all over your family members, so it’s probably a good idea to download this handy app to your mobile device, just in case. Then, at the touch of a button, you can have the Catholic church’s 27-page ritual to drive out evil spirits at your fingertips. Hit # and it squirts holy water out the side of the phone. The power of Christ compels you – to buy this app!

“Papal Election” – Whenever a Pope kicks the bucket, all the Cardinals gather in the Sistine Chapel and vote for a new Pope. And vote, and vote, and vote again. It takes two-thirds vote of the “conclave” to elect a new Bishop of Rome, so it can take awhile. You don’t have time to sit glued to your TV for days watching a camera shot of the outside of St. Peter’s Square, you’ve got stuff to do! But download this app and, when the conclave votes, it shoots a little puff of smoke out of your phone -- white smoke if a new Pope has been elected, black smoke if not – so you’ll be among the first to know.

“Bite Me” – Hallelujah! Finally, an app for Pentecostal Snake Handlers that features a countdown clock so you know exactly how much time you have before you croak from snakebite after being bitten by a venomous viper. Simply enter the type of snake that sank its fangs into your flesh and hit “Send.” The app will provide a countdown clock to the exact time when you’ll go to meet Jesus! Add the special “Tongues” app that translates your neighbor’s gibberish when he’s rolling around on the floor and speaking in tongues. This app is a huge seller in Appalachia.

“Pro-Life” – For fundamentalists on the go, this handy app alerts you whenever you’re in the neighborhood of an abortion clinic or near the home of a baby-killing doctor. Also lets you know where the nearest gun show is so you can purchase your weapon without any of those pesky background checks. Lock and download for only $1.99!

“rAPPture” – So, Armageddon is finally here (what took you so long, Jesus?), and you’re getting raptured, of course. But where exactly in the air are you supposed to meet up with Christ and all your sin-free friends and family? You don’t want to end up on the wrong cloud or even – God forbid! – left behind with the losers! This app pinpoints exactly where in the air you need to go to catch the big Jesus bus to heaven. Also available: the App-ocalypse, which helps Evangelicals remember exactly what to expect next during the End Times. So after all the pestilence, famine, earthquakes, and exploding volcanoes, you can start getting ready for the locusts. By purchasing a beekeeper’s hat, or something.

Divine Appiness – This app points you in the right direction to achieve Nirvana. Simply punch the Buddhist or Hindu button for the correct version for you. Appy trails!

What Fresh App is This? – For those of you who end up in Hell, this handy-dandy little app will provide you with an essential guide to let you know exactly which level of hell you've been banished to. Because there's no elevator operator in Hell to announce, "Third floor: Gluttons." And let's face it, it's not that easy to figure out if you're in the 8th Circle (Fraud) or the 9th (Treachery).

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Random Thoughts from The Wedgietor

Today's random thoughts:

If Moby married Andy Dick, he'd be Moby Dick.

Egypped: What Egyptians will feel like if the new government isn't any better than the last one.

The Koch brothers' wealth increased by $9 billion in the past year.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Remembering the true meaning of Superbowlmas

Today we celebrate America’s holiest of holy days, Superbowlmas, the day when Americans put aside old grievances and come together to get drunk and eat pizza. But even now, as we sit here on the cusp of the kickoff, do any of us even remember the true meaning of Superbowlmas? Or has it all been lost forever in a miasma of commercialism and bean dip? Was there ever a time when Superbowlmas wasn’t about the commercials, the Puppy Bowl, or the halftime show? It seems that, today, all we care about are the chicken wings and wardrobe malfunctions, and arguments over which team’s famed quarterback is the biggest sex pervert. Sure, these are all truly wonderful things, things to share with our friends and families, but it’s not really what Superbowlmas is all about. To remember that, we need to go back to a simpler time, a time before human growth hormones and fancy endzone dances. A time, 1967, when three wise men, Pete Rozelle, Lamar Hunt and George Halas, came from the East to a place called Los Angeles, bearing gifts for the baby Favre, who was born of the Virgin Bonita, the only son of Lombardi.
Now, I know that popular lore tells us that the baby Favre wasn’t born until two years later, in a place called Mississippi, in 1969, the year of the false prophet, Joe Willie Namath, but really the baby Favre was born in a giant manger called The Coliseum, in Los Angeles, on January 15, 1967, at halftime of the first Super Bowl. The three wise men, having heard the prophecy of a new King of the NFL, came bearing three gifts – a trophy, a gaudy ring of silver and gold, and a free ticket to Disneyland – for the baby Favre. We consult the Farvle for the precise history:

“And when they came into the Coliseum, they saw the young child with Bonita, his mother, and fell down, and worshipped him…”
(The Book of Belichick, ch. 1, v. 2)

But what do we know of these Wise Men? We know that they came from the east, guided to look for the baby Favre by a miraculous stellar event, “the Starr of Bart.” They traveled hundreds of miles, from places like Chicago and Kansas City, and the league office in New York City. And we know that they were known as “magi” due to a child’s toy one of them, Lamar Hunt, had taken from his children. This toy was called a “magic ball,” or “super ball,” and it could bounce to the heavens!
Of course we all know the miraculous details of Favre’s life. How he attended Hancock North Central High School, where he performed many miracles in baseball and football. The young Favre played quarterback, lineman, strong safety, placekicker and punter in a primarily option, run-oriented offense coached by his father, Irvin Favre, who was the head coach of the football team.

“Irvin Favre said he knew his son had a great arm but also knew that the school was blessed with good running backs. As a result, in the three years Brett was on the team, his father ran the wishbone, a run-oriented offense.”
(Landry 2:2)

We know how, after high school, the Golden Eagles of Southern Mississippi offered Favre a scholarship (the only one he received). We know from scripture that Southern Miss wanted Him to play the inferior position of “defensive back,” but Favre wanted to play quarterback instead. Again we turn to the Farvle:

“Favre began his freshman year as the seventh-string quarterback and took over the starting position in the second half of the third game of the year against Tulane, on September 19, 1987. Favre, despite suffering a hangover from the night before and vomiting during warm-ups, led the Golden Eagles to a come-from-behind victory with two touchdown passes.”
(Shula 9:17)

In His junior season, Favre performed another of His many miracles, leading the Golden Eagles to an upset of mighty Florida State (then ranked sixth in the nation) on September 2, 1989.

“Favre capped a six-and-a-half-minute drive with the game-winning touchdown pass with 23 seconds remaining.”
(Bowden 2:3)

On July 14, 1990, before the start of Favre's senior year at Southern Mississippi, He was involved in a near-fatal car accident.

“When going around a bend a few tenths of a mile from his parents' house, BOOM! Favre lost control of his car, which flipped three times and came to rest against a tree. It was only after – BOOM! -- one of his brothers smashed a car window with a golf club that Favre could be evacuated to the hospital. In the ambulance, his mother was sitting with him. ‘All I kept asking [her] was, will I be able to play football again?' Favre recalled later.”
(Madden 4:2)

Doctors would later remove 30 inches (760 mm) of Favre's small intestine. Six weeks after this incident, on September 8, Favre led Southern Miss to a comeback victory over Alabama.

“Alabama coach Gene Stallings said, ‘You can call it a miracle or a legend or whatever you want to. I just know that on that day, Brett Favre was larger than life.’”
(Parcells 2:3)

Of course, we all know the rest of the story. How Favre went on to be baptized in the NFL by Warren Sapp, and how He performed many miracles in the league, including the Miracle of the 154.9 passer rating on Monday Night Football, when, after the death of His father, He led the Packers to victory over the Raiders of Oakland. There was also the Miracle of Lambeau, when He fed the masses by turning water into beer; the Miracle of Hurricane Katrina, when Favre walked on water in the Gulf of Mexico; and the many Miracles of Healing performed by Favre, as He laid hands on the injured and restored them to the games. Chief among them, the miraculous healings of Bubba Franks’ Sprained Ankle (2005), Javon Walker’s Pulled Groin (2003), and the Leprosy of Lindsay Knapp (1996).
We know of the many triumphs of Favre, winning Super Bowl XXXI, the Lambeau Leaps and MVPs, and the raising of Sonny Jurgensen from the dead (Walsh 2:6).
We know of His many trials and tribulations, His addiction to Vicodin, the death of His brother in law in an all-terrain vehicle accident, and how in 2004, Favre’s wife, Deanna, was diagnosed with breast cancer.
And, lastly, we know how it ended, with the betrayal by the Judas, Jen Sterger Iscariot, whose revelation of the Favre’s sexting and pictures of His wang, taken whilst splayed naked on his bed wearing only the Crocs and subsequently sent to the Judas Jen, which then led to more revelations of lewd messages and harassment regarding two New York Jets’ massage therapists, which led to His trial before Pontius Goodell and, ultimately, His crucifixion in the lamestream media.
Yes, we know all of this, but somehow it’s all been lost in the commercials and hype. So today, before we turn on our TVs and gorge ourselves on Pepperoni and Nachos, let’s put down the Guacamole, put on our Wranglers, and take a moment to remember the true meaning of Superbowlmas. And remember that, before Rogers was the Packers quarterback, there was another Packer. Before the pervert Roethlisberger, there was another pervy quarterback. And his name was Favre. And even now, as we celebrate His day, there are rumblings of His return. So let's give thanks and prepare for the day when the Favre will come out of retirement and lead us all to the promised land.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Punxsutawney Phil punches photographer, checks into rehab

Troubled groundhog Punxsutawney Phil has checked himself into rehab after an altercation with photographers outside his Gobbler’s Knob burrow Wednesday morning.

News of Phil seeking treatment comes one day after the marmot was rushed to a Pittsburgh animal hospital citing severe abdominal pain. Phil, who managed to avoid photogs with a little trickeration from his friends -- reportedly left the Pittsburgh area clinic around 10 PM last night ... this according to ExtraTV.com.

As we previously reported, Phil was hospitalized for a hiatal hernia Tuesday ... after a 36-hour party binge with porn stars, Twiggy the Waterskiing Squirrel and a Gucci briefcase filled with Macadamia nuts.

The marmot looked haggard and confused as he emerged from his burrow Wednesday morning to make his annual winter weather prediction, accompanied by a scantily-clad and clearly inebriated Twiggy. The two crawled around on the ground outside Phil’s den looking for his shadow, and then – as hundreds of flashbulbs went off from the throng gathered for the highly anticipated event – Phil became agitated.

In a video acquired by The Daily Wedgie, the enraged woodchuck can be seen warning one photographer, who apparently had gotten too close to his ladyfriend: “Touch her and I’ll break your f---ing neck!” before scurrying to the offending photog and knocking him to the ground with a punch to the face, as a crowd of hundreds watched in horror.
Phil had to be pulled off the paparazzo by his handlers, who included Punxsutawney Mayor James Wehrle. After screaming some more obscenities at the photographer and making a lewd gesture at the crowd, the debauched marmot retreated back inside his burrow, with Twiggy in tow.

The photographer sustained minor cuts and bruises and has threatened a lawsuit.

Later the groundhog’s rep released the following terse statement:
"Punxsutawney Phil has voluntarily entered an undisclosed rehabilitation center today. He is most grateful to all who have expressed their concern."

Phil’s family has voiced alarm at the latest in what has become a long line of embarrassing incidents.

"We are profoundly concerned for Phil’s health and well-being, and support his decision," Phil’s parents, Punxsutawney Pete and Smicksburg Sue, told reporters.

Last August, the neurotic nut-gnawer pleaded guilty to misdemeanor assault and was sentenced to rehab after a Christmas Day fight with ex-wife Sandy Cheeks, the squirrel from Spongebob Squarepants. He completed three months of probation in that case.

In October, Phil was involved in a Manhattan hotel trashing melee that allegedly involved Alvin and the Chipmunks and porn actress Geri the Gerbil, but no criminal charges were filed.

Just two weeks ago, the whistlepig spent $26,000 on hookers and Trail Mix during a Las Vegas binge, according to People.com.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Punxsutawney Phil taken to vet clinic after latest bender with porn star, Macadamia nuts, hernia, ‘Real Housewife’

Debauched marmot Punxsutawney Phil was wheeled out of his burrow in Gobbler’s Knob on a gurney Monday night, loaded into an ambulance and taken to a Pittsburgh veterinary clinic after a frantic 911 call from the groundhog’s publicist. The marmot, famed for his weather prognostications and appearances in such films as “Groundhog Day” and “The Big Lebowski,” was suffering from severe abdominal pains, his publicist said. But assorted Internet reports said Phil was hospitalized following an epic party - a blowout complete with porn stars and the delivery of a Gucci briefcase filled with Macadamia nuts – which is like crack cocaine for marmots.
The wild scene was an amped-up replay of his fall meltdown at New York’s Plaza hotel, a booze-and-pecan party that landed the oft-rehabbed land beaver in a Manhattan psychiatric unit.
A Phil spokesman said "severe abdominal pains" prompted the latest 911 call, and a pal told The Wedgie that he aggravated a hiatal hernia by eating too many cashews.
TMZ.com reported that Phil, supposedly in hibernation until Wednesday when he’s due to come out of his burrow for his annual winter prediction, began partying Sunday.
At one point, a designer briefcase containing "bricks" of Macadamia and Hazelnuts was delivered to the house, the site said.
There were already four women there when he had a friend call Twiggy the Waterskiing Squirrel to join the bash Sunday afternoon, TMZ reported.
"It's officially 24 hours of nut-popping! Heehee," Twiggy later posted on her Twitter page, saying she'd consumed two jars of filberts, a bag of roasted almonds, a bottle of Brazil nuts and a pack of Macadamias.
She also uploaded a risqué photo of herself in a bikini and boasted her "days of skiing on Youtube for peanuts” are over. “I’ve hit the big time!” she tweeted.
Neighbor Pepe Le Pew of Looney Tunes fame and his wife Penelope Pussycat, star of “The Real Housewives of Gobbler’s Knob,” told People.com they called paramedics after receiving a frantic call from Phil's burrow. Le Pew urged the caller to dial 911. TMZ reported the amorous stinker said Phil was "not alert" when he was wheeled out on a stretcher with a towel over his face, paramedics checking his vitals and two female Hoary Marmots in tow. The world’s most famous groundhog was taken to Cedars-Sinai Animal Hospital in Pittsburgh.
Phil's latest troubles come three months after a reported booze-and-nut fueled rampage at The Plaza hotel with Alvin and the Chipmunks landed him in a Manhattan hospital.
Porn star Geri the Gerbil, previously linked to Richard Gere, claimed Phil trashed his hotel suite and choked her. He was not charged, but the incident prompted him to briefly hire a live-in sobriety coach, who was fired before New Year's Eve.
Since then, Phil has spent $26,000 on hookers and Trail Mix during a Las Vegas getaway two weeks ago, according to People.com.
The marmot's behavior has alarmed Punxsutawney civic leaders and on Tuesday Mayor James Wehrle said the town had contacted the agent for the Canadian groundhog Wiarton Willie and was negotiating to have Willie flown to Punxsutawney to take over should Phil be unable to fulfill his duties. Stay tuned.