Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Punxsutawney Phil taken to vet clinic after latest bender with porn star, Macadamia nuts, hernia, ‘Real Housewife’

Debauched marmot Punxsutawney Phil was wheeled out of his burrow in Gobbler’s Knob on a gurney Monday night, loaded into an ambulance and taken to a Pittsburgh veterinary clinic after a frantic 911 call from the groundhog’s publicist. The marmot, famed for his weather prognostications and appearances in such films as “Groundhog Day” and “The Big Lebowski,” was suffering from severe abdominal pains, his publicist said. But assorted Internet reports said Phil was hospitalized following an epic party - a blowout complete with porn stars and the delivery of a Gucci briefcase filled with Macadamia nuts – which is like crack cocaine for marmots.
The wild scene was an amped-up replay of his fall meltdown at New York’s Plaza hotel, a booze-and-pecan party that landed the oft-rehabbed land beaver in a Manhattan psychiatric unit.
A Phil spokesman said "severe abdominal pains" prompted the latest 911 call, and a pal told The Wedgie that he aggravated a hiatal hernia by eating too many cashews.
TMZ.com reported that Phil, supposedly in hibernation until Wednesday when he’s due to come out of his burrow for his annual winter prediction, began partying Sunday.
At one point, a designer briefcase containing "bricks" of Macadamia and Hazelnuts was delivered to the house, the site said.
There were already four women there when he had a friend call Twiggy the Waterskiing Squirrel to join the bash Sunday afternoon, TMZ reported.
"It's officially 24 hours of nut-popping! Heehee," Twiggy later posted on her Twitter page, saying she'd consumed two jars of filberts, a bag of roasted almonds, a bottle of Brazil nuts and a pack of Macadamias.
She also uploaded a risqué photo of herself in a bikini and boasted her "days of skiing on Youtube for peanuts” are over. “I’ve hit the big time!” she tweeted.
Neighbor Pepe Le Pew of Looney Tunes fame and his wife Penelope Pussycat, star of “The Real Housewives of Gobbler’s Knob,” told People.com they called paramedics after receiving a frantic call from Phil's burrow. Le Pew urged the caller to dial 911. TMZ reported the amorous stinker said Phil was "not alert" when he was wheeled out on a stretcher with a towel over his face, paramedics checking his vitals and two female Hoary Marmots in tow. The world’s most famous groundhog was taken to Cedars-Sinai Animal Hospital in Pittsburgh.
Phil's latest troubles come three months after a reported booze-and-nut fueled rampage at The Plaza hotel with Alvin and the Chipmunks landed him in a Manhattan hospital.
Porn star Geri the Gerbil, previously linked to Richard Gere, claimed Phil trashed his hotel suite and choked her. He was not charged, but the incident prompted him to briefly hire a live-in sobriety coach, who was fired before New Year's Eve.
Since then, Phil has spent $26,000 on hookers and Trail Mix during a Las Vegas getaway two weeks ago, according to People.com.
The marmot's behavior has alarmed Punxsutawney civic leaders and on Tuesday Mayor James Wehrle said the town had contacted the agent for the Canadian groundhog Wiarton Willie and was negotiating to have Willie flown to Punxsutawney to take over should Phil be unable to fulfill his duties. Stay tuned.


  1. OMG! I thought Charlie Sheen was linked to Geri. This is news, Wedgietor. Are you going mainstream investigative on us?

  2. What's the going rate for a baggie of street mac these days?