Sunday, February 6, 2011

Remembering the true meaning of Superbowlmas

Today we celebrate America’s holiest of holy days, Superbowlmas, the day when Americans put aside old grievances and come together to get drunk and eat pizza. But even now, as we sit here on the cusp of the kickoff, do any of us even remember the true meaning of Superbowlmas? Or has it all been lost forever in a miasma of commercialism and bean dip? Was there ever a time when Superbowlmas wasn’t about the commercials, the Puppy Bowl, or the halftime show? It seems that, today, all we care about are the chicken wings and wardrobe malfunctions, and arguments over which team’s famed quarterback is the biggest sex pervert. Sure, these are all truly wonderful things, things to share with our friends and families, but it’s not really what Superbowlmas is all about. To remember that, we need to go back to a simpler time, a time before human growth hormones and fancy endzone dances. A time, 1967, when three wise men, Pete Rozelle, Lamar Hunt and George Halas, came from the East to a place called Los Angeles, bearing gifts for the baby Favre, who was born of the Virgin Bonita, the only son of Lombardi.
Now, I know that popular lore tells us that the baby Favre wasn’t born until two years later, in a place called Mississippi, in 1969, the year of the false prophet, Joe Willie Namath, but really the baby Favre was born in a giant manger called The Coliseum, in Los Angeles, on January 15, 1967, at halftime of the first Super Bowl. The three wise men, having heard the prophecy of a new King of the NFL, came bearing three gifts – a trophy, a gaudy ring of silver and gold, and a free ticket to Disneyland – for the baby Favre. We consult the Farvle for the precise history:

“And when they came into the Coliseum, they saw the young child with Bonita, his mother, and fell down, and worshipped him…”
(The Book of Belichick, ch. 1, v. 2)

But what do we know of these Wise Men? We know that they came from the east, guided to look for the baby Favre by a miraculous stellar event, “the Starr of Bart.” They traveled hundreds of miles, from places like Chicago and Kansas City, and the league office in New York City. And we know that they were known as “magi” due to a child’s toy one of them, Lamar Hunt, had taken from his children. This toy was called a “magic ball,” or “super ball,” and it could bounce to the heavens!
Of course we all know the miraculous details of Favre’s life. How he attended Hancock North Central High School, where he performed many miracles in baseball and football. The young Favre played quarterback, lineman, strong safety, placekicker and punter in a primarily option, run-oriented offense coached by his father, Irvin Favre, who was the head coach of the football team.

“Irvin Favre said he knew his son had a great arm but also knew that the school was blessed with good running backs. As a result, in the three years Brett was on the team, his father ran the wishbone, a run-oriented offense.”
(Landry 2:2)

We know how, after high school, the Golden Eagles of Southern Mississippi offered Favre a scholarship (the only one he received). We know from scripture that Southern Miss wanted Him to play the inferior position of “defensive back,” but Favre wanted to play quarterback instead. Again we turn to the Farvle:

“Favre began his freshman year as the seventh-string quarterback and took over the starting position in the second half of the third game of the year against Tulane, on September 19, 1987. Favre, despite suffering a hangover from the night before and vomiting during warm-ups, led the Golden Eagles to a come-from-behind victory with two touchdown passes.”
(Shula 9:17)

In His junior season, Favre performed another of His many miracles, leading the Golden Eagles to an upset of mighty Florida State (then ranked sixth in the nation) on September 2, 1989.

“Favre capped a six-and-a-half-minute drive with the game-winning touchdown pass with 23 seconds remaining.”
(Bowden 2:3)

On July 14, 1990, before the start of Favre's senior year at Southern Mississippi, He was involved in a near-fatal car accident.

“When going around a bend a few tenths of a mile from his parents' house, BOOM! Favre lost control of his car, which flipped three times and came to rest against a tree. It was only after – BOOM! -- one of his brothers smashed a car window with a golf club that Favre could be evacuated to the hospital. In the ambulance, his mother was sitting with him. ‘All I kept asking [her] was, will I be able to play football again?' Favre recalled later.”
(Madden 4:2)

Doctors would later remove 30 inches (760 mm) of Favre's small intestine. Six weeks after this incident, on September 8, Favre led Southern Miss to a comeback victory over Alabama.

“Alabama coach Gene Stallings said, ‘You can call it a miracle or a legend or whatever you want to. I just know that on that day, Brett Favre was larger than life.’”
(Parcells 2:3)

Of course, we all know the rest of the story. How Favre went on to be baptized in the NFL by Warren Sapp, and how He performed many miracles in the league, including the Miracle of the 154.9 passer rating on Monday Night Football, when, after the death of His father, He led the Packers to victory over the Raiders of Oakland. There was also the Miracle of Lambeau, when He fed the masses by turning water into beer; the Miracle of Hurricane Katrina, when Favre walked on water in the Gulf of Mexico; and the many Miracles of Healing performed by Favre, as He laid hands on the injured and restored them to the games. Chief among them, the miraculous healings of Bubba Franks’ Sprained Ankle (2005), Javon Walker’s Pulled Groin (2003), and the Leprosy of Lindsay Knapp (1996).
We know of the many triumphs of Favre, winning Super Bowl XXXI, the Lambeau Leaps and MVPs, and the raising of Sonny Jurgensen from the dead (Walsh 2:6).
We know of His many trials and tribulations, His addiction to Vicodin, the death of His brother in law in an all-terrain vehicle accident, and how in 2004, Favre’s wife, Deanna, was diagnosed with breast cancer.
And, lastly, we know how it ended, with the betrayal by the Judas, Jen Sterger Iscariot, whose revelation of the Favre’s sexting and pictures of His wang, taken whilst splayed naked on his bed wearing only the Crocs and subsequently sent to the Judas Jen, which then led to more revelations of lewd messages and harassment regarding two New York Jets’ massage therapists, which led to His trial before Pontius Goodell and, ultimately, His crucifixion in the lamestream media.
Yes, we know all of this, but somehow it’s all been lost in the commercials and hype. So today, before we turn on our TVs and gorge ourselves on Pepperoni and Nachos, let’s put down the Guacamole, put on our Wranglers, and take a moment to remember the true meaning of Superbowlmas. And remember that, before Rogers was the Packers quarterback, there was another Packer. Before the pervert Roethlisberger, there was another pervy quarterback. And his name was Favre. And even now, as we celebrate His day, there are rumblings of His return. So let's give thanks and prepare for the day when the Favre will come out of retirement and lead us all to the promised land.

1 comment:

  1. Hey, man, you're supposed to eat the Nachos, not smoke them.