In a live, televised speech to the residents of Wisconsin Wednesday evening, Gov. Scott Walker said if democrats don’t act on his “budget repair” bill by Friday, he will begin shooting hostages.
“We’re holding 138 public workers hostage,” Walker said, “and we will begin shooting them at the rate of one per day. This is an unfortunate but necessary step the state of Wisconsin needs to take to balance our budget. We have to start shooting these people. I mean, we’re broke!”
Walker said the 138 public workers were taken from their homes over the weekend and are being held in an undisclosed location in the capitol. The governor called for senate democrats who have fled Madison to delay the budget vote, to get back to work.
“If they’re not back by close of business Friday, we will pick one of these freeloading union goldbrickers who are destroying our state’s economy, bring them out to the Capitol rotunda, and execute him or her.”
The governor added that if republicans are able to shoot all 138 state workers, who have an average salary of $48,000 per year, the total cost savings to the state will be more than $6.6 million, which he plans to give to millionaires and oil companies in additional tax breaks.
Walker, who claims a budget shortfall of $137 million, has already pushed through $117 million in tax breaks for business allies of the GOP.
“The billionaires of this state are hurting,” Walker said Wednesday. “They have not had a tax break in nearly two weeks. If this keeps up, Charles and David Koch may have to sell one of their 14 pink diamond-studded monkeys. Do you realize how hard it is for the average billionaire to completely cover a live monkey with pink 14-carat diamonds? Including the tail? It’s hard! If the bankers and oil tycoons are not given another tax break soon, they literally will have no idea where their next shipment of Beluga Sturgeon caviar is coming from. And meanwhile these rich teachers, nurses and snowplow drivers are taking home nearly $49,000 a year. That’s why we’re ready to shoot them. It’s all about getting our freedom back.”