Thursday, December 30, 2010

The Year of Living Stupidly

   According to Stupidologists at the Doofus Institute in Moron, Miss., 2010 was the stupidest year on record, and it's only going to get stupider. That's because the average dumbiture of the Earth is rising, an effect known as Global Dumbing, which, scientists believe, is caused by a dramatic rise in the polar dunce caps, which in turn causes the entire brainosphere to spin countersmartwise.
   Of course, the Global Dumbing deniers continue to argue that Global Dumbing doesn't exist, but let's look at the facts, shall we? In 2010 we had the following stories:
* In July, New Mexico police found a 47-year-old man on the side of a highway with his prosthetic leg on fire and severe burns on his buttocks. The man said he'd agreed to let his friends set the leg on fire after he lost a drinking bet.
* In June, the mayor of Leicester, England, was left red-faced when his pants fell down as he stood up to give a speech in a library packed with schoolchildren. A surprised onlooker said it was like The Benny Hill Show.
* As a Valentine's Day gift for his wife, a southern Minnesota farmer created a heart nearly a mile wide made out of manure.
* And finally, there’s Lee Jin-gyu, the 28-year-old South Korean man who, back in March, fell in love with, and then married … his pillow.

That’s right. His pillow. Here’s a guy who really knows how to get down.
In Mr. Lee’s defense, his bride wasn’t just any pillow, but a 'dakimakura' - a kind of large, huggable pillow from Japan, with a picture of a popular female anime character printed on the side. Lee wed the pillow in a special ceremony, after stuffing it into a wedding dress for the service in front of a local priest.
   “He is completely obsessed with this pillow and takes it everywhere,” said one friend. (He has friends?) “They go out to the park or the funfair where it will go on all the rides with him. Then when he goes out to eat he takes it with him and it gets its own seat and its own meal.”
   Well, there you have it. Singed buttocks, pantsless mayors and pillow brides. Take a bow, 2010. Take a bow. 

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

If we could, like, just literally throw these words under the bus going forward...

..., that would be, like, totally epically unbelievable, dude! Seriously! Oh, sorry, my bad…

  Hello, dinguses. We’re back from our glorious holiday vacation, where we flew into one of those big, fancy east-coast airports, and then, well, that’s it. That’s all we did for a whole week, thanks to Snowmageddon 2010. But it’s okay, we had a great time at the airport, taking sink-baths in public restrooms and cuddling up with strangers at night for warmth, until they woke up and started screaming and we had to stop. Badoom-cha!
In fact, the whole thing would have been fine if not for our stupid overuse of hip catchphrases. Like “Eat my shorts,” and “Wow! That plane’s da bomb!” That’s the one that got us into trouble with the TSA, who we tried to fend off with, yup, more catchphrases. But even our ingenious combination of two of the most popular recent viral phrases -- “Don’t tase my junk, bro!” -- sadly didn’t work. And now, needless to say, we can’t have children.
     So now, as we lie here on the floor by our desk pressing a bag of frozen peas to our sparked giblets, we’re thinking that we should just stop using some of these hip catchphrases and buzzwords altogether. Here’s a few that we could probably go another 2010 years without hearing again:

Unnn-believable!  Everything is "Unnn-believable!" these days. Guy catches a fly ball in a baseball game. It's "unnn-believable!" It rains for an hour, that's "unnn-believable!" too. You get the feeling that every time these people sit on the toilet and something comes out they yell: "Unnn-believable!" Really? What DO you believe? Anything?
Amazing!  See above
Core competency  My core competency is not speaking business-speak gobbledygook, douchenozzle.
App  What percentage of TV commercials are for phones these days? About, oh, I don't know, a GAZILLION? Yeah, just what I need, another "app" for my phone that turns me into one of those self-absorbed zombies staggering obliviously down the street forcing yuppies with their double-wide strollers off the curb while I stare at my palm reading some guy's stupid rant about words he's sick of. See? It's a win-win! 
Literally  People are using the word literally so often that it is literally making my head a-splode. See? Now I have a huge mess all over my keyboard. Literally.
Low-hanging fruit
Livin’ the dream  My uncle was livin' the dream. Until the FBI shot him.
Throw under the bus
Going forward
Bromance, Brodak moment, Brohawk, Broseph, Bro Diddly, Bro Derek, Bro Chi Minh, basically anything with “bro” in it, OK?
Tweet, tweeple, tweeps
Using “Friend” as a verb
Going rogue
At the end of the day
It is what it is
It’s all good
My bad 
Put on your big boy pants  I'm sorry Moosilini, but I prefer my Klondike Kat Underoos. They're much more comfortable.  
Drinking the Kool-Aid
Cowboy up
Xtreme! anything
Mad skillz
Wordz that end in z
Teachable moment  If you say this to me one more time and I punch you in the gizzard will that be a teachable moment?
Not so much  This used to be kinda cute. Now, not so much. 
“I could care less.”  You could? Really?
Really? Do you really need to keep saying this at the end of every question? Really?
Dude  Stop calling me this, unless my name is Lebowski and you just micturated on my rug