Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Who said it? Mitt Romney or Thurston Howell III?

See if you can figure out who said each of the following quotes, Willard Mitt Romney, or Thurston Howell III (The Millionaire on “Gilligan’s Island”):

1. “Moolah, moolah, moolah.”

2. “No one can pull the wool over my eyes. Cashmere maybe, but wool, never!”

3. “Let Detroit go bankrupt.”

4. “Corporations are people, my friend.”

5. “If I can’t go first class, I won’t go at all.”

6. "I'm not a big-game hunter. I've made that very clear. I've always been a rodent and rabbit hunter. Small varmints, if you will."

7. "I like being able to fire people who provide services to me.”

8. “Dash it all, Lovey, I’ve three-putted again.”

9. “An election! That’s wonderful, I’ll spend millions on my campaign!”

10. "I'm running for office for Pete's sake, we can't have illegals.”

11. “I must dash down to Argentina to get a new string of polo ponies. It’s just that I hate to ride a used polo pony.”

12. "I'm not concerned about the very poor. We have a safety net there.”

13. “Counting my money’s made me sleepy.”

14. "I'll tell you what, ten-thousand bucks? $10,000 bet?”

15. “The masses are so easily amused, aren’t they?”

16. "[My wife] drives a couple of Cadillacs.”

17. “I’m sure you’d like to know what my learned opponent thinks, for example, of slum clearance, of tideland oil drilling, of free school lunches. I would like to meet him in face-to-face debate on public transportation, coconut conservation and high-rise dwelling.”

18. “It is rather difficult being rich. If it wasn’t for the money, I’d rather be poor.”

19. "I get speaker's fees from time to time, but not very much."

20. “I hope that provisions have been made for my bag of gold aboard your raft.”


1. Thurston Howell III
2. Thurston Howell III
3. Mitt Romney
4. Mitt Romney
5. Thurston Howell III
6. Mitt Romney
7. Mitt Romney
8. Thurston Howell III
9. Thurston Howell III
10. Mitt Romney
11. Thurston Howell III
12. Mitt Romney
13. Thurston Howell III
14. Mitt Romney
15. Thurston Howell III
16. Mitt Romney
17. Thurston Howell III
18. Thurston Howell III
19. Mitt Romney (from February 2010 to February 2011, Romney earned $374,327.62 in speaking fees)
20. Thurston Howell III

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Supreme Court Rules Money Is People, Can Vote

WASHINGTON – The Supreme Court ruled Monday that money is people, and has the right to vote.

In a 5-4 decision, the Court held that, “Money is, essentially and in all ways,  legally and otherwise, equal to people, under the law. Money has feelings. It gets sad when you spend it on dumb things like taxes to pay for social welfare programs, electric cars, or Sean Penn movies.”

The ruling goes on to state that “since money is human, it has the right to free speech and all other rights inherent to citizens of the United States, including the right to vote, so long as it is American money and not a foreign currency, such as the peso.”

On the presidential campaign trail, Republican Challenger Mitt Romney, currently touring the Midwest on his “Iron Jeans Express” campaign bus, seemed pleased with the ruling. Holding up a fistful of $1,000 bills, Romney told a crowd in Lansing, Mich., “My money is happy, and I just realized something. You people don’t matter any more. Finally I can roll my sleeves back down and stop eating in your crappy diners!”

Appearing beside Romney, billionaire casino magnate Sheldon Adelson, who has donated at least $60 million to Republicans since the presidential campaign began, said he has already begun the process of transferring his money into several key swing states in time for the November election. “I’ve got 25 billion dollars,” Adelson said. “And every one of them hates Obama!”

Still, Romney wasn’t fully satisfied. “The court didn’t go far enough,” he told reporters. “When I become President, on my first day I will sign an executive order that states that not just money, but also possessions, have the right to vote, as well. Car elevators are people, my friend!”