Monday, December 30, 2013

A message from Baby New Year

Boy am I glad it’s New Year’s. Finally, I get to wear something besides this diaper. Just a top hat and sash, but at least it’s something! When I first signed this contract to be Baby New Year, I didn’t really consider the downside. All I thought of was the fame and adulation, the champagne, the party favors, the girls. Everything that goes along with being the symbol of the New Year. I mean, I’m a baby who gets to paaaaaaaarty! How cool is that? Turns out, not so much.

Everyone loves me -- for one night, then bam! It’s back to the crib. No more top hat, no more champagne. They even take my stogie. I ask you – is that fair? Try drinking and smoking up a storm for one night and then going cold turkey the rest of the year. And my parents wonder why I cry.

But the worst part is, I never grow up. I’m just a stupid baby. Forever. I lay here soiling myself while everyone around me gets older. I’ve got no friends. I used to have play dates with Justin Bieber. Now look at him. He’s got a pet monkey and a Fisker. Where’s my monkey? Even Miley Cyrus gets to grow up. Sort of. When do I get to put on a giant foam finger and make an ass of myself? Nobody wants to see Baby New Year twerk. I can doff my top hat till the cows come home and swill champagne like Paris Hilton on a bender. The chicks think that’s cute. But when the clock strikes midnight and I move in for a kiss, they’re disgusted. Hey, I’m 52 years old, I’ve got needs.

I tell you, it’s not easy being me. I can complain all day, but what’s the use? No one wants to listen. All they want to hear from me is goo-goo, ga-ga, and a lot of cooing. I tell you, I’m sick of it. I’ve got ideas, interests beyond the mobile. But as soon as I start talking, they jam that binky in my mouth and that’s it, brother.

And I warn you, if I hear “The Wheels in the Bus Go Round and Round” one more time, I’m going to explode. And not just the usual way, either. This time, it’s going to take more than a diaper change to clean up.

And one more thing – stop stealing my nose!

Sunday, December 8, 2013

It's a Wonderful Police Blotter

The movie “It’s a Wonderful Life,” as told in the police log of The Bedford Falls Sentinel:

May 20, 1928

     1:37 p.m. Police were called to the 600 block of Main Street, where a caller said a pedestrian was causing traffic to back up. Violet Bick, 21, was cited for causing a public disturbance.

     11:28 p.m. A caller reported a male and female singing loudly and throwing rocks at the windows of an abandoned building in the 300 block of Sycamore Street. When police arrived, they found only a female, naked and hiding in some hydrangea bushes. Mary Hatch, 18, was arrested and charged with indecent exposure.

June 1, 1932

     9:16 p.m. A caller reported an intoxicated man creating a loud disturbance on New England Street. Officers investigated and found William Bailey, 60, passed out next to some garbage cans. Bailey was arrested and charged with public drunkenness.

     10:01 p.m. A caller reported a large crowd gathered in the 200 block of Genesee Street. Violet Bick, 25, was cited for causing a public disturbance. 

October 25, 1932

     11:25 a.m.  Police responded to a report of an unruly mob gathering at the bank. The mob was dispersed with tear gas. No arrests were made.

     8:37 p.m. A caller reported trespassers in the Old Granville House, 320 Sycamore Street. Police arrived to find a newly married couple, George and Mary Bailey, had taken up residence in the building, which had been condemned in 1925. The couple were cited for trespassing and warned to vacate the premises immediately. 

December 24, 1945

     5:12 p.m. A woman in the 300 block of Sycamore Street called police and reported that her husband was being verbally abusive to her and her children.

     6:02 p.m. Henry F. Potter, President of the Bank, swore out a warrant for the arrest of George Bailey on charges of misappropriation of funds, manipulation and malfeasance in connection with $8000 in missing funds from the Bailey Bros. Building & Loan.

     7:15 p.m. Nick, the bartender at Martini’s Bar, called police to report a fight. An arrest warrant was issued for Mr. Welch on charges of assault and battery.

     7:23 p.m. A caller reported that an intoxicated man had crashed his car into a tree which his grandfather had planted, on Bridge Street, and then fled on foot in the direction of the toll bridge.

     7:29 p.m. A woman in the 300 block of Sycamore Street called police and reported that her husband was missing.

     7:45 p.m. A caller reported seeing two men jump into the canal from the toll bridge.

     9:02 p.m. Police were called to a disturbance at the Dreamland Dance Club. Violet Bick, 38, was arrested and charged with soliciting.

     9:21 p.m. A cab driver, Ernie Bishop, reported that a man “who was bats” and claimed he had gotten some bad liquor had run off without paying his fare in the 300 block of Sycamore Street. Bert the Cop responded and followed the man into an abandoned building. An altercation ensued, during which a second suspect, who claimed he was “an angel, second class,” bit the officer on the wrist. The two suspects escaped on foot.

     9:39 p.m. A caller reported that a “loony” had come to her residence on New England Street  and claimed that she was his mother. The woman told the man to leave.

     9:50 p.m. A caller reported that a disturbed man, possibly intoxicated, had accosted an old maid outside the public library. The man had claimed that the old maid was his wife, then chased her down Genesee Street and into a nearby establishment, where she fainted. Bert the Cop responded and attempted to apprehend the suspect, but the man punched the officer and fled on foot. The officer then fired several shots across the crowded street at the fleeing suspect, wounding two bystanders before pursuing the suspect in his squad car. 

     10:20 p.m. Several business owners reported a man running down Main Street cheering and yelling, “Merry Christmas” at various buildings.

     10:22 p.m. Henry F. Potter reported seeing fugitive George Bailey running past his office at the bank. He said that Bailey yelled “Merry Christmas” to him before running off in the direction of Sycamore Street.