Monday, January 21, 2013

Manti! The Musical

Manti Te'o, alone in his dorm room.

MANTI (singing, to the tune of Burt Bacharach's "I'll Never Fall In Love Again"):

What do you get when your girl’s a hoax?
You fall in love with an internet photo
Then you find out it’s Roniah Tuiasosopo
I’ll never fall in love again
I’ll never fall in love again

What do you get when your girl’s a fake?
You drop down the draft board of Mel Kiper
And when you do, she won’t even skype ya
I’ll never fall in love again
I’ll never fall in love again

Don’t tell me what it’s all about
You’re in the grave and then you’re out
Sucking me in with your phony beauty
This never happened to the Gipper or Rudy

What do you get when your girl’s a fake?
She gets in a wreck and ends up in a coma
That’s why I said to Robby Toma
I’ll never fall in love again
I’ll never fall in love again

What do you get when you never meet your girl?
Everyone says it should be steamier
Then she goes and gets fake leukemia
I’ll never fall in love again
I’ll never fall in love again

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Here Comes Downton Boo Boo

Worlds collide on PBS and TLC Sunday night, as two of television's most popular shows come together in a surprise mashup.

Fans of the hit series’ “Downton Abbey” and “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” are in for a big surprise this season, when Mama, Sugar Bear, Pumpkin and the rest of the Honey Boo Boo clan moves in next door to the aristocratic Crawleys.

When last we saw Lord Grantham, Carson the Butler and the rest of our Downton Abbey favorites, Lady Mary had just dumped an angry Carlisle and become engaged to her cousin, Matthew. The vengeful newspaper baron had warned Mary never to cross him. Now we find out just how far Carlisle will go to get his revenge, as he sells Haxby Park – the opulent estate adjacent to Downton -- to Mama and Sugar Bear, saddling the Crawleys with their worst nightmare, the Honey Boo Boo clan for next-door neighbors.

In Episode 1, Mama sends Pumpkin and Chubbs over to the Crawley estate to invite them over for “sammiches.” Things go surprisingly well until The Dowager Countess, having drunk three cups of Mama’s “Go Go Juice” – a mixture of Red Bull and Mountain Dew -- agrees to mud wrestle Crazy Tony in a vat of “marinaise.”   

Things only go downhill from there, when Sugar Bear overhears Thomas offering Chickadee some Spotted Dick and, misunderstanding, attacks the conniving footman.

Later, a smitten Uncle Poodle calls on Lady Edith and tries to impress her with his Halloween decorations, but the courtship ends when he gets stuck inside a giant pumpkin.

Meanwhile, Bates – cleared of murder charges – opens a roadside motel not far from Downton, but sadly finds that, for some reason, no one wants to stay at The Bates Motel.

At the end of the episode, the Crawleys invite their new neighbors over for the annual Downton Abbey Fox Hunt, but are shocked when Mama, Sugar Bear and the rest of the Thompson clan arrive on four-wheelers and turn the proceedings into a redneck Olympics.

Next episode: Honey Boo Boo, Pumpkin and Chubbs t.p. Downton, Lady Edith turns to Mama to make her "beautimous," and Mrs. Patmore unknowingly causes a rift when she offers Sugar Bear her biscuit.