Monday, January 10, 2011

Dead birds, shuttlecocks and the Mark of the Alien

Doomsday believers got more signs of the apocalypse recently, as reports of horrible disasters continued to ping around the planet. Thousands of dead birds falling from the sky all over the globe. 100,000 dead fish bubbling up in the Arkansas River. A new season of "Jersey Shore." What’s the cause of all these horrifying calamities? Is Kim Jong Il testing out a new death ray? Is it Al Gore and his weather machine? Are the endtimes creeping up on us like ill-fitting underwear? Boy, are you going to feel stupid when you find out the real reason for these strange happenings. No, it’s not the end of the world. It’s just three giant alien spaceships from the planet Zeeba heading for Earth to kill us all and probe us with their giant creepy finger probes. This according to the Weekly World News, which reported the following “major announcement” by SETI (Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence):

“‘Three giant spaceships are heading towards Earth. The largest one of them is 200 miles wide. Two others are slightly smaller. At present, the objects are just moving past Jupiter. Judging by their speed, they should be on Earth by early 2011,’ said John Malley, the lead extraterrestrial expert at SETI.
The spaceships were detected by HAARP search system. The system, based in Alaska, was designed to study the phenomenon of northern lights. According to SETI researchers, the objects are extraterrestrial spaceships. They will be visible in optical telescopes as soon as they reach Mars’s orbit – sometime in March of 2011. The US government has been reportedly informed about the event. … Beginning in February of 2011 the U.N. will begin preparing citizens of the world for the attack of the three spaceships – which are believed to come from Planet Zeeba.”

Dr. Malley goes on to explain the connection between the dead birds and the giant Zeeban spaceships:
“It’s all part of the alien invasion,” WWN quoted the ET expert as saying. “We have long known that when aliens attack on Earth, they go after the birds first.”
Meanwhile, in another WWN story, the online newspaper reports that more than 300,000 drum fish are dead in Arkansas, with “numerous reports of UFOs hovering over the fish kill.”
WWN spoke with “Dr. Anna Pfeffer, the world’s foremost ichthyologist and Olympic badminton champion,” who examined the dead drum fish and found “the Mark of the Alien” on each of the fish.
“Never in the history of fish have so many fish died at the exact time,” Pfeffer told the Weekly World News. “This is definitely the work of aliens. The Mark of the Alien seems to be from Planet Zeeba.”
WWN adds that “Dr. Pfeffer believes that Arkansas officials, as well as the federal government, are after her. She has hired several ex-KGB agents to protect her.”

What, you’re still not convinced? You don't think the Zeebans are out to get us? Perhaps the real reason behind all these mysterious animal deaths is something much simpler. Like God getting us ready for 2012. Well, famed Bible scrutinizer and number cruncher Harold Camping says: Not so fast, Chester!
"That date (2012) has not one stitch of biblical authority," Camping says from the Oakland office where he runs Family Radio, an evangelical station that reaches listeners around the world. "It's like a fairy tale."
The real date for the end of times, he says, is in 2011.
The Mayans and the movie "2012" have put the apocalypse on the front burner this year, but Camping has been at this business for a long time. And while Armageddon is pop science or big-screen entertainment to many, Camping has followers from the Bay Area to China.
Camping, 88, has scrutinized the Bible for almost 70 years and says he has developed a mathematical system to interpret prophecies hidden within the good book. One night a few years ago, Camping, a civil engineer by trade, crunched the numbers and was stunned at what he'd found: The world will end May 21, 2011.
This is not the first time Camping has made a bold prediction about Judgment Day.
On Sept. 6, 1994, dozens of the math whiz's believers gathered inside Alameda's Veterans Memorial Building to await the return of Jesus, an event Camping had promised for two years. Followers dressed children in their Sunday best and held Bibles open-faced toward heaven.

Spoiler alert!

Only Jesus was a no-show. The world didn’t end.
Camping allowed that he may have made a mathematical error. But, you’ll be relieved to know, he’s spent the past 16 years rejiggering his calculations, and this time he’s sure.
Employees at Camping's Oakland office run printing presses that publish Camping's pamphlets and books, and some wear T-shirts that read, "May 21, 2011." They're happy to talk about the day they believe their souls will be retrieved by Christ.
"I'm looking forward to it," said Ted Solomon, 60.

Me too, Ted. As long as there's no "Jersey Shore" in heaven.

No comments:

Post a Comment