Monday, December 30, 2013

A message from Baby New Year

Boy am I glad it’s New Year’s. Finally, I get to wear something besides this diaper. Just a top hat and sash, but at least it’s something! When I first signed this contract to be Baby New Year, I didn’t really consider the downside. All I thought of was the fame and adulation, the champagne, the party favors, the girls. Everything that goes along with being the symbol of the New Year. I mean, I’m a baby who gets to paaaaaaaarty! How cool is that? Turns out, not so much.

Everyone loves me -- for one night, then bam! It’s back to the crib. No more top hat, no more champagne. They even take my stogie. I ask you – is that fair? Try drinking and smoking up a storm for one night and then going cold turkey the rest of the year. And my parents wonder why I cry.

But the worst part is, I never grow up. I’m just a stupid baby. Forever. I lay here soiling myself while everyone around me gets older. I’ve got no friends. I used to have play dates with Justin Bieber. Now look at him. He’s got a pet monkey and a Fisker. Where’s my monkey? Even Miley Cyrus gets to grow up. Sort of. When do I get to put on a giant foam finger and make an ass of myself? Nobody wants to see Baby New Year twerk. I can doff my top hat till the cows come home and swill champagne like Paris Hilton on a bender. The chicks think that’s cute. But when the clock strikes midnight and I move in for a kiss, they’re disgusted. Hey, I’m 52 years old, I’ve got needs.

I tell you, it’s not easy being me. I can complain all day, but what’s the use? No one wants to listen. All they want to hear from me is goo-goo, ga-ga, and a lot of cooing. I tell you, I’m sick of it. I’ve got ideas, interests beyond the mobile. But as soon as I start talking, they jam that binky in my mouth and that’s it, brother.

And I warn you, if I hear “The Wheels in the Bus Go Round and Round” one more time, I’m going to explode. And not just the usual way, either. This time, it’s going to take more than a diaper change to clean up.

And one more thing – stop stealing my nose!

Sunday, December 8, 2013

It's a Wonderful Police Blotter

The movie “It’s a Wonderful Life,” as told in the police log of The Bedford Falls Sentinel:

May 20, 1928

     1:37 p.m. Police were called to the 600 block of Main Street, where a caller said a pedestrian was causing traffic to back up. Violet Bick, 21, was cited for causing a public disturbance.

     11:28 p.m. A caller reported a male and female singing loudly and throwing rocks at the windows of an abandoned building in the 300 block of Sycamore Street. When police arrived, they found only a female, naked and hiding in some hydrangea bushes. Mary Hatch, 18, was arrested and charged with indecent exposure.

June 1, 1932

     9:16 p.m. A caller reported an intoxicated man creating a loud disturbance on New England Street. Officers investigated and found William Bailey, 60, passed out next to some garbage cans. Bailey was arrested and charged with public drunkenness.

     10:01 p.m. A caller reported a large crowd gathered in the 200 block of Genesee Street. Violet Bick, 25, was cited for causing a public disturbance. 

October 25, 1932

     11:25 a.m.  Police responded to a report of an unruly mob gathering at the bank. The mob was dispersed with tear gas. No arrests were made.

     8:37 p.m. A caller reported trespassers in the Old Granville House, 320 Sycamore Street. Police arrived to find a newly married couple, George and Mary Bailey, had taken up residence in the building, which had been condemned in 1925. The couple were cited for trespassing and warned to vacate the premises immediately. 

December 24, 1945

     5:12 p.m. A woman in the 300 block of Sycamore Street called police and reported that her husband was being verbally abusive to her and her children.

     6:02 p.m. Henry F. Potter, President of the Bank, swore out a warrant for the arrest of George Bailey on charges of misappropriation of funds, manipulation and malfeasance in connection with $8000 in missing funds from the Bailey Bros. Building & Loan.

     7:15 p.m. Nick, the bartender at Martini’s Bar, called police to report a fight. An arrest warrant was issued for Mr. Welch on charges of assault and battery.

     7:23 p.m. A caller reported that an intoxicated man had crashed his car into a tree which his grandfather had planted, on Bridge Street, and then fled on foot in the direction of the toll bridge.

     7:29 p.m. A woman in the 300 block of Sycamore Street called police and reported that her husband was missing.

     7:45 p.m. A caller reported seeing two men jump into the canal from the toll bridge.

     9:02 p.m. Police were called to a disturbance at the Dreamland Dance Club. Violet Bick, 38, was arrested and charged with soliciting.

     9:21 p.m. A cab driver, Ernie Bishop, reported that a man “who was bats” and claimed he had gotten some bad liquor had run off without paying his fare in the 300 block of Sycamore Street. Bert the Cop responded and followed the man into an abandoned building. An altercation ensued, during which a second suspect, who claimed he was “an angel, second class,” bit the officer on the wrist. The two suspects escaped on foot.

     9:39 p.m. A caller reported that a “loony” had come to her residence on New England Street  and claimed that she was his mother. The woman told the man to leave.

     9:50 p.m. A caller reported that a disturbed man, possibly intoxicated, had accosted an old maid outside the public library. The man had claimed that the old maid was his wife, then chased her down Genesee Street and into a nearby establishment, where she fainted. Bert the Cop responded and attempted to apprehend the suspect, but the man punched the officer and fled on foot. The officer then fired several shots across the crowded street at the fleeing suspect, wounding two bystanders before pursuing the suspect in his squad car. 

     10:20 p.m. Several business owners reported a man running down Main Street cheering and yelling, “Merry Christmas” at various buildings.

     10:22 p.m. Henry F. Potter reported seeing fugitive George Bailey running past his office at the bank. He said that Bailey yelled “Merry Christmas” to him before running off in the direction of Sycamore Street.

Monday, November 18, 2013

An open letter from the Ty-D-Bol Man

It's World Toilet Day, and we found this letter in a bottle from the Ty-D-Bol man...

Ahoy there! Remember me? No? Of course you don’t. It is I, the Ty-D-Bol man. You probably don’t recognize me in these filthy rags and long, scraggly hair and beard. No, I’m not the handsome nautical hero I used to be, lo those many years ago, before you closed the lid on me and left me here, abandoned, floating alone on my dinghy in your toilet tank. Marooned.

I used to have a motorboat, though God knows why. So I could get from one end of your toilet to the other faster? Please. It’s not like it’s the vast Pacific in here. It’s a toilet, fercryinoutloud! I can row it in like, two seconds. Or I could, if I hadn’t used my oars for firewood a long time ago. I chopped them up and poured what was left of the gasoline on them and burned them for warmth. That was around the same time I spelled out the word H-E-L-P on the inside of your toilet tank with Scrubbing Bubbles, hoping someone would see it and rescue me. But then you just flushed and whoosh! It was gone. Leaving me floating here, alone in a sea of sparkling blue toilet water, with nothing to do but think of what a waste my life has been.

You think I’m proud to be the Captain of a toilet dinghy? It’s humiliating! I come from a long line of famous maritime heroes. My great-grandfather was Cap’n Crunch, sailing the high seas, doing battle with Jean LaFoote, the barefoot pirate. My grandfather? The Gorton’s Fisherman. What a provider! Every night, he brought home the fish sticks. And my father, the Old Spice Sailor. He wanted me to join the navy, like my brother, Sailor Jack. He’s rich now, rolling in Cracker Jack prizes. But I got an offer from Ty-D-Bol, and I took it. Now look at me. Useless. Sure, I’m a captain. I’ve still got my captain’s hat, and my dinghy. I could perform a wedding, but who wants to get married in a toilet? No one, that’s who. I’ll die alone in your tank, and no one will ever know. Unless, by some miracle, someone finds this note I’m putting in this bottle. If you do, tell my wife and kids I love them. And tell them, don’t drink the Ty-D-Bol water. Sure, it looks great – beautiful Caribbean blue – but it’s full of chemicals.

Farewell, ungrateful person with a sparkling, clean toilet! Tell the world my story!

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Dumpty: a hard-boiled cop with a past, and other bad ideas for TV shows

With all the classic literature being “reimagined” for TV these days – from Grimm to Sleepy Hollow – it’s just a matter of time before the networks go back to the library for more. Well, when they do, we’ll be ready with a few really bad ideas. Observe:

Moby-Dick Dynasty – (Reality) In the town of New Bedford, Mass., the bearded ancestors of Captain Ahab operate a burgeoning peg leg business.

Dumpty – (Drama) Hard-boiled New Orleans detective Dan Dumpty, a brilliant but troubled modern-day ancestor of Humpty Dumpty, learns he is descended from a line of tough-yet-fragile fighters who must do battle against an assortment of dangerous fairy tale characters come to life, while also dealing with his crippling fear of heights. In the pilot, “The Big Over Easy,” Dumpty investigates the mysterious death of George Porgie. The investigation leads Dumpty to Muffet, a beautiful but troubled young woman with a tuffet and an affinity for curds and whey who had filed a restraining order against Porgie, whose unwanted advances had made her cry. Can Dumpty crack the case before it cracks him?     

Beans – (Drama) Beautiful, brilliant but troubled Portland Homicide Detective Jackie “Beans” Beanstalk, who has somehow risen to the rank of Homicide Detective at the age of 22 despite suffering from severe Tourettes Syndrome, learns from her mother on her deathbed that she is the last remaining direct descendent of Jack, the brave lad from the fairy tale “Jack and the Beanstalk.” With her last breath, her mother gives her a handful of “magic beans” -- which hold the key to the universe -- to guard from an “evil giant.” In the pilot, Jackie meets a brilliant but troubled young man named Goose who lays “golden eggs” in his pants. 

Don QuixHottie –
(Reality) A group of crazy Spaniards move in to an abandoned windmill where they vie to be Spain’s next top male model.

Shaqula – (Horror) A new take on Bram Stoker’s classic novel. Shaquille O’Neal stars as the NBA’s newest sensation – an ageless, 7-foot-tall Romanian who mesmerizes America with his seemingly unstoppable moves, yet he still can’t make a free-throw.

The Bridezilla of Frankenstein – (Reality) The reanimated beehived beauty is getting married, and the wedding is spiraling out of control.

Little Women, Big World –
(Reality) The trials and tribulations of a widowed dwarf and her three undersized daughters.

Crime & Punishment: SVU –
(Drama) Dick Wolf’s new police procedural follows the exploits of Russian Detective Porfiry of the Moscow PD, who investigates cases in the show's first half hour, followed in the second half hour by the criminals -- tormented by guilt -- confessing and being sent to Siberia.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Tonya and the Exploding Whale

Today is a very special day in Oregon history. Very special. In fact, we’re going to go out on a limb and say that it’s probably THE most special day in Oregon history. EVER!!! Why? Because on this day, November 12, the two most fantastic things that have ever occurred in the state of Oregon happened, and they happened on the same day: November 12, 1970. A day that will live in infamy. And hilarity. Call it Infalarity. Or Hilaramy. Whatever. But 43 years ago today, on November 12, 1970, at 3:45 p.m., the famous Exploding Whale – yes, THAT exploding whale -- was blown up on the Oregon coast, in Florence. Meanwhile, in Portland, some 132 miles away as the exploding whale blubber flies, Tonya Harding was born.

Think about that for a moment. While the plunger was being pushed in Florence, turning a 45-foot-long dead sperm whale into exploding chum that slimed everything for miles, Tonya, our famous knee-whacking, hubcap hurling, transvestite-wrestling, professional boxing, unintentional sex tape star-slash-Olympic figure skater was being born.

Now, we know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Well, if this doesn’t put the dunce in coincidunce.” And then the second thing you’re thinking is, “Why hasn’t anyone, anyplace, at any time, ever mentioned this amazing coincidence before, and more importantly, where are our Tonya-and-the Exploding Whale limericks?”

Well, our long, local nightmare is over. Here they are, a handful of awful, no-good, very bad Happy Birthday, Tonya and Happy Anniversary, Exploding Whale limericks. Enjoy:

Happy Birthday to our ice-skating hick
A triple axel, you one time did stick
But then your life got unruly
Thanks, in part, to Gillooly
You were born the same day they blew up Moby Dick?

You skated to fame and became a knee-clubber
Fought Paula Jones in the ring and you drubbed her
You threw hubcaps at guys
I guess it would be no surprise
To find, being born, you were hit by a chunk of whale blubber

Tonya, some compared you to trash that is white
And your choices haven’t always been bright
At least you (mostly) stayed out of jail
And made out better than the whale
Hope your birthday is pure Dynomite!

You made Nancy Kerrigan cry
And grab at her knee wailing “Why, why, why?”
From the day you were born
You’ve dodged judgment and scorn
And chunks of dead whale from the sky

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Twas the Night Before Halloween

Twas the night before Halloween
At the Wedgester’s apartment
But Wedgie wasn’t saying boo
‘cause he was behind in the rent

So he turned out the lights
And sat in the dark like a dummy
Just sat there all night
As quiet as a mummy

Until the sun came up
On Halloween morn
Still Wedgester just sat there
Eating Tootsie Rolls and Candy Corn

Then from outside his door
There arose such a din
He thought it was the aliens
Come to probe him again

He crept to the door
And peered through his peephole
And what he saw in the hall
Sent a chill through his soul

‘Cross the hallway he spied
Some trick-or-treaters there lurking
One dressed as Miley Cyrus
So painfully twerking

Behind her another  
costumed even stranger
‘twas Anthony Weiner
Dressed as Carlos Danger

A mustachioed guy in a beret
with a gun gave him a jolt
Dressed like a sprinter
With a sash that read: Saddam Hussein Bolt  

There’s the new Pope, Francis
In pointy hat and fancy nighty
And Breaking Bad’s Walter White
In gas mask and tighty-whiteys

Then Silvio Berlusconi
With a blonde and some fettuccine alfredo
And right behind them came a guy
Dressed as a Sharknado

There, of course, was a pirate
Hopping around on a stump
And someone dressed as a pregnant belly --
Kim Kardashian’s baby bump

And two hours late,
Justin Bieber, looking so swank
With a pet monkey on a leash
And a Belieber – Anne Frank

Finally, when all the trick or treaters
Had come and had gone
Wedgester, still at the peephole,
Stifling a yawn

Saw a giant orange head
With a grin that was insaner
Than a barrel of chimps
Wedgester threw open his door and cried out, “John Boehner?”

But it wasn’t the Speaker
‘Twas just his landlord
Carrying a pumpkin he’d carved
Into a decorative gourd

His landlord said, “Ain’t she a beaut?
I hand-carved and hand-picked it.
And then I just dropped by
To say you’re evicted.”

Wedgester gave up the ghost
And shuffled down to the dumpster
Crawled in and went to sleep in a puddle
Of what he hoped was Worcestershire

A little while later he awoke
And knew it was all a bad dream
For his butt was quite sore
And an alien, looking down, said, “Happy Halloween!”

Monday, October 7, 2013

The story of Johnny Appleseed, as reimagined by Breaking Bad creator Vince Gilligan

Excerpts from “Bad Apple,” the story of Johnny Appleseed as reimagined by Breaking Bad creator Vince Gilligan, starring Bryan Cranston as the American folk hero, and Aaron Paul as the apple planter’s one-time student.

Scene I.

Johnny Appleseed’s house. Johnny is talking with his wife, Skyler.

Skyler: You know, I’ve been thinking we should buy that Wagon Wash over on Eubank. It’d make a perfect cover story to launder your cider money.

Appleseed: Not right now, Skyler. It’s too dangerous.

Skyler: John, if you’re in danger, we should go to the constable.

Appleseed: I don’t want to hear about the constable…

Skyler: But if it’s either that or you getting hit with an apple when you open your front door… You are not some hardened criminal, John, you’re in over your head.

Appleseed: Okay, we’re done here…

Skyler: John, please. Just admit you’re in danger!

Appleseed: Who are you talking to right now? Who is it you think you see? Do you know how many apple trees I plant a year? I mean, even if I told you, you wouldn’t believe it. No, you clearly don’t know who you’re talking to, so let me clue you in. I am not in danger, Skyler, I am the danger. A guy opens his door and gets hit with an apple, and you think that of me? No. I am the one who plants!

Scene II 

Johnny Appleseed, wearing a pot on his head, sits in a covered wagon with Jesse and Mike, riding through the desert as throbbing rap music plays. They pull up in front of a group of rival cider dealers.

Mike: Your play, John. You’re on your own.

They exit the wagon and face off across from Declan and his crew.

Declan: Looks like you’re about 1,000 gallons light here, Mike. Where’s the juice?

Appleseed: Apple juice isn’t coming.

Declan: Why’s that? Who the hell are you?

Appleseed: You know. You all know exactly who I am. Say my name.

Declan: Do what? I don’t have a damn clue who the hell you are.

Appleseed: Yeah you do. I’m the planter. I’m the man who almost killed Snow White.

Declan: Bullshit. Evil queen got White.

Appleseed: You sure?

Declan looks at Mike, who shakes his head. Declan and his men suddenly look nervous.

Appleseed: That’s right. Now, say my name.

Declan: You’re Appleseed.

Johnny: You’re goddamn right!

Sunday, September 29, 2013

The Bozone

There is a fifth dimension, beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as a giant pair of clown shoes and as timeless as a squirting lapel flower. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and supersitition, and it lies between the pit of a man’s big, billowy clown pants and the tip of his bulbous, honking red nose. This is the dimension of goofy laughter. It is an area which we call The Bozo Zone.

Picture, if you will, living every single moment of your day in constant, babbling fear of running into an evil-looking red-haired clown holding a bouquet of brightly-colored balloons. This is exactly how the people of the sleepy town of Northampton, England, spend their daily lives. Because, you see, they are being terrorized by a mysterious, spooky clown who ... well, pretty much just shows up and stands there looking all clowny, holding some balloons.

Nevertheless, Northampton police have issued a warning following multiple sightings of clowns “acting suspiciously.” There is good news, however. Because even as local authorities seem powerless to stop this not necessarily evil clown, one man has risen. Yes, out of this tangled web of giant clown pant suspenders, one mild-mannered citizen has stepped forward to take matters into his own hands. He calls himself … The Clown Catcher. He is the world’s most specialized superhero.

All of this got us to wondering: what are The Clown Catcher’s super powers/tools? We’re guessing these might make the list:

• The ability to guess any balloon animal in a single try

• A towel (for drying after being squirted with seltzer)

• A really big car that seats dozens of clowns quite comfortably

• A very fast, souped-up tricycle capable of overtaking any clown tricycle in existence

• Empty pie tins and quick reflexes to block pies thrown at him by not necessarily evil clowns

• Earplugs capable of blocking out the deafening sound of a giant, honking red rubber nose

Some other really specific super heroes:

The Mime Manacler

Evil Hobo Hinderer

Foole Frustrater

Jester Jailer

Prankster Prohibiter

Prop Comic Confiner

Buffoon Buster

Juggler Jammer

Trapezist Tackler

Ventriloquist Vexer

Stooge Stopper

Acrobat Apprehender

Carny Clencher

Tap Dance Disrupter

Human Cannonball Cramper

Unicyclist Stymier

Human Pincushion Perplexer

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Breaking Bard

Macmeth: The Most Excellent Dark Comedie and Tragical Historie of Sir Walter Whyte  

In which we catch you up to speed with “Breaking Bad” by recapping the first 8 episodes of Season 5 – in Shakespearean (sort of) verse! 

Epysode the Fyrst: “Liveth Free or Die”

Fie! In futuretymes, Walt celebrayteth his byrtheday, 52nd,
In the tavern known as Denny’s Restaurant.
And double-fie! No longer bald,
A full head of curly locks his head doth hold.

Entering Denny’s secret privy,
To a bearded gentleman, Walt doth divvy
Some funds in exchange for a turnkey to one
Automobile, which in its trunk holds a machyne gun. 

We flash backwards in tyme to Lady Skyler, his wife,
Who reveals to Walt that she now feareth him, for her life.

Meanwhilst, Myke, upon learning of Gus Fring’s fate,
Returneth from Mexico, with plans to smite Walt and make him Walt the Late.
But lo, Jesse becalmes the angry Myke,
And convinces him to hold his strike.

Erewhile, at Ye Olde Chicken Brothers shoppe,
Hank hath seized Gus’ computing lappetoppe,
Containing evidence, filled with death
Surveillance from the Stupendous Lab of meth.

Upon learning that the lappetoppe is in a place dark and murky,
A castle stronghold of the High Sheriff of Albuquerque,
Our three heroic outlaws put brains to wrack,
To contrive a plot to get the lapptoppe back.
Forsooth! cries Jesse, A giant magnet would do the tricken,
‘twould foul the lappetoppe taken from the Brothers Chicken!

And so to Old Joe’s Junkyarde they do away, and with some lucke,
Set hands upon a giant magnet-laden truck,
Which they drive to the High Sheriff’s secret lair,
And set about their convoluted plan with care.
They activate the great magnet
And turn the lappetoppe’s evidence to (bleep).

As our heroes make their gallante escape, 
Myke, still surly as an ape, 
Cries to Walt, Fie! You say we're safe, but how do you know
We have not somehow stubbed our toe?
Perhaps to be arrested in a week or day?
To which Walt, with steely gaze replies, 'Tis so because so I say.

To vieweth the entyre eight epysodes, clicketh herewith: Breaking Bard.

Saturday, July 27, 2013

Whitey Bulger case dropped: ‘He was just another of Anthony Weiner’s aliases’

The federal case against Whitey Bulger was dropped today when it was revealed that the alleged mob boss never really existed.

“Turns out there is no Whitey Bulger,” lead prosecutor Frank Wyshak told a group of stunned reporters outside the federal courthouse in Boston. “Apparently he was just another of the fake names Anthony Weiner used when texting pictures of his private parts to women.”    

Bulger, or the imaginary person known as Whitey Bulger, had been on trial on federal charges of racketeering and the murder of 19 people. But after seven weeks of explosive testimony, the charges were dismissed after Weiner admitted that Whitey Bulger was just one of the names he made up to use as an alias when he emailed pictures of his penis to women.

“Like Carlos Danger, Whitey Bulger was just one of those names I used when sexting,” Weiner told the New York Times on Saturday. “I thought it was funny, until the feds put my creation on trial. Whitey Bulger never hurt anybody. He was just a funloving guy I created who liked to take pictures of his penis and send them to random women I never met.”

The bombshell left the prosecution – and the public – to wonder how they had been so easily duped.

“In hindsight, we should have known,” said Wyshak. “But it’s not always so easy. How many people knew about Carlos Danger before last week?”

Meanwhile, sources close to the case warned the public to prepare for more celebrities to be revealed as nothing more than fake names used by the disgraced former New York congressman and mayoral candidate.  

Said one investigator: “Some of the celebrities we’re looking into that may have been simply aliases created by Anthony Weiner include the late actor and comedian Wally Cox, former New York Yankees pitcher Chien Ming Wang, the French author HonorĂ© de Balzac, former Chicago Bears linebacker Dick Butkus, and Anthony Weiner.”

Thursday, July 25, 2013

A statement from Carlos Danger

Hola, amigos. I am Carlos Danger, and you are looking muy, muy sexy.

Perhaps you are wondering, “who is this Carlos Danger I am hearing so much about, whose name is flying around the Twitter with the power of a thousand sharknados, and who has just texted me sexy photos of his junco?” Or, perhaps it is the case that you have not yet heard of Carlos Danger. If this is so, then please, do not feel bad. It is not you. It is my workload. Obviously, I have not yet gotten around to texting you sexy pictures of my nether regions, which I can assure you are quite alluring. You see, as the alter ego of the disgraced former New York Congressman and current mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner, it is my duty to text pictures of my private parts to thousands of sexy ladies I have never met, and there are only so many hours in the day, my sexy friends.

So let me begin by telling you something about my background. I, Carlos Alejandro Rodrigo Maximo Danger, come from a long line of dashing deviants and swashbuckling perverts.

I am the son of Don Fernando Ricardo Ernesto Luis Narciso Felipe Danger, the famous Flashing Matador, who used to dangle his family jewels in the arena while bullfighting before thousands of delirious fans. This was before cellphones were invented, and we Dangers had to expose ourselves in public like common pervertidos, rather than in the privacy of our own cameraphones. My father died gloriously in the bullring at the Plaza de Toros de las Ventas in Madrid, when he was gored in the gonads by El Furio, the most magnificent of all el toro bravos, when I was but a child of six.

My mother, who has dressed all in black and refused to appear in public since that sad day, is Guadalupe Juanita del Carmen Miranda Theresa de la Vega Danger, the great, great, great granddaughter of none other than Don Diego Hernando de la Vega, better known to you, my sexy gringos, as Naked Zorro, the dashing, nude outlaw who wore nothing but a black mask to hide his identity as he gallantly and nakedly defended the people of Oaxaca against corrupt officials, tyrants and other despicable and unsexy individuals. Instead of carving a trademark "Z" with his sword, Don Felix enraged the Alcalde by riding around the territory and drawing his penis onto his wanted posters for all to see.

On my father’s side of the family, we have my great-great-great grandfather, Hector Danger, the Degenerate of Durango, hero of The Alamo, who gallantly exposed his cojones in a portrait he commissioned in Mexico City in January of 1836, a painting which he then copied and sent to the wives of Colonel Jim Bowie and Colonel Travis of the Texas army, just weeks before the famous battle.

Hector’s great uncle was none other than Pedro Danger, the famous buccaneer, scourge of the Tortugas, known throughout the West Indies as Blackballs the Pirate, who had a giant picture of his unmentionables sewn onto his Jolly Roger and flown proudly from the mast of his pirate ship.

It is said that my ancestors were direct descendents of the Danglers, the Incan cave dwellers who were famous throughout South America for drawing pictures of their privates on the walls of the caves of Cuzco. Later the “l” was dropped from the Dangler name, and thus was the surname Danger born.   

And so, you see, while Anthony Weiner will once again have to apologize for the actions of me, Carlos Danger, I will never apologize, for I am only carrying on the disgusting and debauched traditions of my perverted ancestors, as it is the tradition of all Dangers to do. Yes, proudly will I, Carlos Danger, continue to fly the sexy flag of my forefathers and utter the Danger family motto: “Pants? We don’t need no stinkin’ pants!”

Until we text again, my sexy friends.

Turgidly yours,     
Carlos Danger

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the tornado … Sharknado!

What’s worse than a sharknado? How about a Shih Tzunami?

Just a couple of nights ago we were sitting on our couch watching TV when it happened, the moment none of us will ever forget. Years from now, decades even, people will come up to you on the street and ask, “Do you remember where you were when the Sharknado hit?” And you will answer, “Yes. Yes I do.”

Sharknado, the fabulously stupid made-for-TV movie about sharks being picked up in giant water spouts and hurled at Los Angeles (honest, this is a real movie!), premiered on the SyFy channel on Thursday, taking the country by, uhh, storm.

The first thing we did, immediately after sitting down to write the sequel (which we’re either going to call “Abraham Lincoln: Sharknado Killer” or “Sharknadoes on a Plane,” we can’t decide) was to read some other folks’ suggestions for the sequel, on Twitter, including:

and Hurricanine

We’ve come up with our own list:

Shih Tzunami


Baboonhaboob (or simply “baboob”): a haboob full of baboons

Penguinferno: It ends with our hero kneeling on a sandy beach before a toppled, scorched Statue of Liberty, wailing, “You tuxedoed pyromaniacs! You burned it up!”

Apecano: Everything was fine until the volcano started spewin’ monkeys!

Terminatornado: A tornado with Terminators in it

Gnu’easter: A storm full of gnus off the New England coast

Godzillacane: A hurricane full of Godzillas

Gatorquake: An earthquake that spews giant gators

Kittycane: the purrrfect storm
And for you vegetarians out there:

Beet Wave

and Potatocano

And one for the dessert lovers:

Piephoon: “Make mine blueberry, o mighty Poseidon!”

Perhaps even scarier are the celebrity versions:
Kardashianami: Is there anything more terrifying?

SharkNader: It ate Al Gore’s presidency

Mr. T-phoon: I pity the ‘phoon who thinks he can blow me away!

Hitlercano: Yes, a volcano that spews Hitlers

Valcano: Or one that spews Val Kilmers

Charlie Halestorm: It’s not just raining men, it’s hailing mayors!

Tornado: A tornado full of Tor Johnsons, the ex-wrestler-turned-actor from Plan 9 From Outer Space

Trumpphoon: Alternate title, “Blow Hard”

Ben Huricane: A hurricane full of Charlton Hestons

Mel Gibsunami: The Jews caused it!  Or, Hello, Sugarwaves

Earthaquake: An earthquake full of Eartha Kitts

Here-Comes-Honeyhabooboo: A rube-filled haboob

Carmen Electracalstorm

Phoebe Snowstorm

Thursday, July 4, 2013

Thank you Mask Man

As if we didn’t have enough weirdos in masks and capes hopping around on our movie screens this summer, The Lone Ranger galloped into theaters this week, with his faithful Indian sidekick, Tonto, and you know what that means, kemosabe. It means it’s time to prepare yourselves for all those terrible, awful, no-good, horrible, really bad ads. You know the ones we mean. Bankers calling themselves “The Loan Arranger.” Landscapers turning into “The Lawn Ranger.” You’ll probably even hear some exterminator commercial that ends with a masked bug squirter in tights shouting, “Hi-yo, Silverfish! Away!”

Here are a few more you’ll want to keep an eye out for:

A plastic surgeon who specializes in ears – The Lobe Arranger

Lisa Loeb’s music arranger -- The Loeb Arranger

A scientist who promises to make exact duplicates of your pets -- The Clone Arranger

A brain Surgeon -- The Lone Brainger

The zombie Lone Ranger -- The Lone Braaaaaaaaaainger

Pilot of the remote-controlled spycraft that’s hovering over me right now, watching as I write this sentence (Hi, Mr. President!) – The Drone Ranger

Last remaining member of the group Fountains of Wayne – The Lone Waynger

A cook at a Chinese restaurant -- The Lo Meinger,

and his sidekick, Won-Tonto

And then there are all of Tonto’s relatives:

The Loan Arranger’s sidekick, who waits outside the Loan Arranger’s office and mocks you after you’ve been turned down for a loan -- Taunto

Don Ho’s sidekick -- Donto

Blondie’s sidekick -- Blonto

Jeff Bridges’ sidekick, who follows him into a video game – Tronto

Sidekick to a pawn broker – Pawnto

Sidekick to a large, swimming crustacean – Prawnto

Sonny Corleone’s sidekick – James Caanto

Sidekick to World Champion figure skater Michelle Kwan – Kwanto

Sidekick to the Bronte sisters – Bronto

Sidekick to the Brawny paper towel guy – Brawnto

Oliver North’s secretary’s sidekick – Fawnto

Jon Bon Jovi’s sidekick – Jon Bonto

Chaka Khan’s sidekick – Chaka Khanto

Sidekick to a pastry chef who specializes in caramel custards -- Flanto

Sidekick to a giant ape – King Konto

Sidekick to a men’s room attendant who calls himself The Porcelain Throne Ranger -- Johnto

The Lawn Ranger’s unfortunate sidekick, who got in the way of the lawn mower -- Ninetoe

The Tin Man’s sidekick -- Tinto

TinTin’s sidekick -- TinTinto

Rin Tin Tin’s sidekick -- Rin Tin Tinto

George Hamilton’s sidekick – Tanto

Monday, June 24, 2013

Not-so-Super Heroes

Look, up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s … some weirdo wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.

Yes, with Man of Steel doing boffo box office, everyone’s going stupid for Superman. Again. But here at The Daily Wedgie, we’re tired of the same old comic book heroes hopping around in capes and tights. We think it’s high time we had a new cast of heroes to save our poor, pathetic doomed asses. So we offer up this list of the Lamest Superheroes you’ve never heard of. Observe: 

Supperman – Has the uncanny ability to show up at your house just as you’re sitting down to dinner. Of course he’d like to join you!

Bathman – And his sidekick, Rubadub

Captain South America – All crime-fighting stops at 2 p.m. for siesta.

Handyman – Drives criminals (and everyone else) crazy when he moves in next door and uses  his power tools at all hours of the day and night.

Gary Coal-Man – The diminutive actor rises from the dead with the power to turn himself into a lump of coal. Weakness: Just about everything.

Wonderbra Woman – A warrior princess with a push-up bra she got from Amazon. “My tiara’s up here, boys…”

Gossip Girl – She constantly talks smack about evildoers behind their back. Weakness: Always getting confused with the TV show.

Couch Potato – The ability to somehow go through his entire life without moving from his sofa. 

EarlyBird-Man – A retiree with the ability to ascertain where every early bird special in town is located, what it costs and what time they stop serving.

Humanatee – Half man, half manatee.

The Urinflator – With his sidekick, Whiz Kid, he comes to the aid of the perpetually pee-shy by standing around in public restrooms and giving pep talks.

The Re-Fizzer – Has the ability to recarbonate a flat soda.

Too Much Cologne Boy – Twenty-something male who leaves everyone convulsing in his wake. Especially deadly in elevators and other enclosed spaces.  

Narcolepto – Has the uncanny ability to fall asleep just when things get dangerous.

The Googler – Can look up anything on his Smartphone at superhuman speeds with his super  bendy thumbs. Weakness: Lampposts, pedestrians, buildings, cars… basically anything in his path.

Replay Man – Has the ability to predict the outcome of instant replays.

Sonic Snail – The fastest snail in the world … but still really slow.

Captain Moobs – Overweight, out-of-shape guy who takes his shirt off in public, causing all around him to collapse in disgust. Weakness – Shirts, cold weather.

Exact Change Man – Has the uncanny ability to always have precisely the correct amount of change for every purchase. Weakness: Pocketfuls of quarters, nickels, dimes and pennies slow him down.

The Blinker – Leaves his turn signal on, confusing all evildoers driving behind him. Often paired with Early-Birdman.

The Tipper – Can calculate tips really, really fast. Weakness – Parties of 8 or more. Tragic Flaw – Can’t afford to eat out.

And, since every Superhero needs a Super Villain: 

Geyser Wilhelm – Goofy-helmeted evil autocrat with a German accent who intermittently ejects a column of steaming water from his mouth.

Monday, May 13, 2013

I, For One, Welcome Our New Cicada Overlords

They’ve spent the last 17 years underground, sucking on tree roots and biding their time. But now, they’re crawling up out of the earth with their bulging red eyes, shedding their skin and looking for sex. No, we’re not talking about the cast of Jersey Shore. We’re talking about Brood II – the cicada infestation that’s swarming the east coast of the U.S. Scientists tell us the cicadas are harmless, but of course, like anyone who’s spent way too much time watching bad monster movies, we know better. In order to prepare you for the horror that’s sure to come, we’ve put together this collection of quotes from some of our favorite bad bug movies. Enjoy, and may the cicadas have mercy on your soul.

“I never dreamed it would turn out to be the bees. They’ve always been our friends!”
-- Michael Caine in “The Swarm”

“The ants only want us to take care of them, work for them, feed them. And that’s the way it should be. They are superior.”
-- Brainwashed sheriff in “Empire of the Ants”

“He’s more mosquito than man by now.”
-- Dr. Jennifer Allen in “Mansquito”

“Once they were men. Now they are land crabs.”
-- Dale in “Attack of the Crab Monsters”

“After I’ve dealt with these slugs, what do you say we get naked and crazy?”
-- Mike Brady in “Slugs: The Movie”

“You want us to conduct peace negotiations with bugs?”
-- Army official in “The Bees”

“Houston on fire. Will history blame me – or the bees?”
-- Richard Widmark in “The Swarm”

A queen of beauty by day … A lusting queen wasp by night!
-- Trailer for “The Wasp Woman”

“General, I’ll make a deal with you. You make me a sergeant in charge of the booze and I’ll enlist. Make me a sergeant in charge of the booze! Make me a sergeant in charge of the booze!”
-- Jensen in “Them!”

“Science or no science, a girl’s got to get her hair done.”
-- Stephanie Clayton in “Tarantula”

“If you want to be on the safe side, call the pest control people in Springdale and have ‘em send out all the DDT they can find.”
-- Dr. Kingman in “Earth vs. the Spider”

“This is the drone of death … the terrifying sound of the monstrous cosmic ray mutations that created the giant insect enemy!”
-- Narrator in the trailer for “Monster From the Green Hell”

“I’m going to be the first officer in U.S. battle history to get his butt kicked by a mess of bugs!”
-- Richard Widmark in “The Swarm”

“You HAVE to listen! You have to listen to what the bees have to say!”
-- Angel in “The Bees”

Sunday, May 5, 2013

50 Shades of Greg

1. Purple – After climbing a flight of stairs

2. Red – After accidentally changing the channel to Fox News

3. Green – While on a ship on the ocean

4. Maroon – What happens after the ship sinks

5. Yellow – How I felt about going swimming with my friends after seeing the movie “Jaws”

6. Orange – After eating too much cantaloupe

7. Burnt orange – After my orange catches on fire

8. Blue – How I feel after finding out I’m all out of cookies

9. Tan – After spending a little time in the sun

10. Pink – After spending more than a little time in the sun

11. Beige – Bored

12. White – Just saw a ghost

13. Brown – Did a heckuva job

14. Gray – My skintone at the funeral home after killing myself rather than read “Fifty Shades of Grey”

15. Violet – My face color during the Republican convention

16. Black – After getting trapped in a licorice factory

17. Fuchsia – What I say when someone says they want to see a Shia LaBeouf movie

18. Apricot – Ate too many apricots

19. Auburn – Who I root for when Auburn plays Alabama

20. Avocado – Spilled the guacamole

21. Azure – Accidentally put Ti-D-Bowl in the bath instead of Mr. Bubble

22. Olive – Tea many martoonis

23. Lavender – My face color after eating too many mints

24. Indigo – After rubbing against the Indigo Girls

25. Gold – After pissing off Goldfinger

26. Silver – After being knighted

27. Burgundy – Fell into a vat of wine

28. Burnt Sienna – Set fire to my crayons

29. Cardinal – Almost Pope

30. Carmine – Thinking about changing my name and joining the mafia

31. Cerulean – What I call a knight named Ulean

32. Charcoal – After opening my Christmas presents

33. Chartreuse – What I call my phony map scheme

34. Magenta – After eating too many raspberry popsicles

35. Salmon – Feeling like a schnook

36. Almond – Joyful

37. Ivory – Used too much cheap soap

38. Jade – After watching a bad David Caruso movie

39. Khaki – Feeling like George W. Bush under a “Mission Accomplished” sign

40. Cyan – Saying goodbye to Ara Parseghian in Japanese

41. Ochre – Feeling Shrekish

42. Maize – How I feel that you’ve made it this far down my list

43. Russet – Type of potato I throw at the TV whenever Luke Russert comes on

44. Periwinkle – What you get when the Governor of Texas marries Wee Willie

45. Vanilla – Meh

46. Sepia – What happens when I close my eyes after watching a Pia Zadora movie

47. Scarlet – The color someone’s face turns after getting slapped 27 times by Scarlett O’Hara

48. Ecru – What you ask Brutus when he shows up in a yellowish-brown toga

49. Plum – Color my face turns when I plug the toilet and have to call the plumber

50. Navy – Where you look for the Village People if they’re not at the YMCA