Thursday, July 4, 2013

Thank you Mask Man

As if we didn’t have enough weirdos in masks and capes hopping around on our movie screens this summer, The Lone Ranger galloped into theaters this week, with his faithful Indian sidekick, Tonto, and you know what that means, kemosabe. It means it’s time to prepare yourselves for all those terrible, awful, no-good, horrible, really bad ads. You know the ones we mean. Bankers calling themselves “The Loan Arranger.” Landscapers turning into “The Lawn Ranger.” You’ll probably even hear some exterminator commercial that ends with a masked bug squirter in tights shouting, “Hi-yo, Silverfish! Away!”

Here are a few more you’ll want to keep an eye out for:

A plastic surgeon who specializes in ears – The Lobe Arranger

Lisa Loeb’s music arranger -- The Loeb Arranger

A scientist who promises to make exact duplicates of your pets -- The Clone Arranger

A brain Surgeon -- The Lone Brainger

The zombie Lone Ranger -- The Lone Braaaaaaaaaainger

Pilot of the remote-controlled spycraft that’s hovering over me right now, watching as I write this sentence (Hi, Mr. President!) – The Drone Ranger

Last remaining member of the group Fountains of Wayne – The Lone Waynger

A cook at a Chinese restaurant -- The Lo Meinger,

and his sidekick, Won-Tonto

And then there are all of Tonto’s relatives:

The Loan Arranger’s sidekick, who waits outside the Loan Arranger’s office and mocks you after you’ve been turned down for a loan -- Taunto

Don Ho’s sidekick -- Donto

Blondie’s sidekick -- Blonto

Jeff Bridges’ sidekick, who follows him into a video game – Tronto

Sidekick to a pawn broker – Pawnto

Sidekick to a large, swimming crustacean – Prawnto

Sonny Corleone’s sidekick – James Caanto

Sidekick to World Champion figure skater Michelle Kwan – Kwanto

Sidekick to the Bronte sisters – Bronto

Sidekick to the Brawny paper towel guy – Brawnto

Oliver North’s secretary’s sidekick – Fawnto

Jon Bon Jovi’s sidekick – Jon Bonto

Chaka Khan’s sidekick – Chaka Khanto

Sidekick to a pastry chef who specializes in caramel custards -- Flanto

Sidekick to a giant ape – King Konto

Sidekick to a men’s room attendant who calls himself The Porcelain Throne Ranger -- Johnto

The Lawn Ranger’s unfortunate sidekick, who got in the way of the lawn mower -- Ninetoe

The Tin Man’s sidekick -- Tinto

TinTin’s sidekick -- TinTinto

Rin Tin Tin’s sidekick -- Rin Tin Tinto

George Hamilton’s sidekick – Tanto

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