Thursday, July 25, 2013

A statement from Carlos Danger

Hola, amigos. I am Carlos Danger, and you are looking muy, muy sexy.

Perhaps you are wondering, “who is this Carlos Danger I am hearing so much about, whose name is flying around the Twitter with the power of a thousand sharknados, and who has just texted me sexy photos of his junco?” Or, perhaps it is the case that you have not yet heard of Carlos Danger. If this is so, then please, do not feel bad. It is not you. It is my workload. Obviously, I have not yet gotten around to texting you sexy pictures of my nether regions, which I can assure you are quite alluring. You see, as the alter ego of the disgraced former New York Congressman and current mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner, it is my duty to text pictures of my private parts to thousands of sexy ladies I have never met, and there are only so many hours in the day, my sexy friends.

So let me begin by telling you something about my background. I, Carlos Alejandro Rodrigo Maximo Danger, come from a long line of dashing deviants and swashbuckling perverts.

I am the son of Don Fernando Ricardo Ernesto Luis Narciso Felipe Danger, the famous Flashing Matador, who used to dangle his family jewels in the arena while bullfighting before thousands of delirious fans. This was before cellphones were invented, and we Dangers had to expose ourselves in public like common pervertidos, rather than in the privacy of our own cameraphones. My father died gloriously in the bullring at the Plaza de Toros de las Ventas in Madrid, when he was gored in the gonads by El Furio, the most magnificent of all el toro bravos, when I was but a child of six.

My mother, who has dressed all in black and refused to appear in public since that sad day, is Guadalupe Juanita del Carmen Miranda Theresa de la Vega Danger, the great, great, great granddaughter of none other than Don Diego Hernando de la Vega, better known to you, my sexy gringos, as Naked Zorro, the dashing, nude outlaw who wore nothing but a black mask to hide his identity as he gallantly and nakedly defended the people of Oaxaca against corrupt officials, tyrants and other despicable and unsexy individuals. Instead of carving a trademark "Z" with his sword, Don Felix enraged the Alcalde by riding around the territory and drawing his penis onto his wanted posters for all to see.

On my father’s side of the family, we have my great-great-great grandfather, Hector Danger, the Degenerate of Durango, hero of The Alamo, who gallantly exposed his cojones in a portrait he commissioned in Mexico City in January of 1836, a painting which he then copied and sent to the wives of Colonel Jim Bowie and Colonel Travis of the Texas army, just weeks before the famous battle.

Hector’s great uncle was none other than Pedro Danger, the famous buccaneer, scourge of the Tortugas, known throughout the West Indies as Blackballs the Pirate, who had a giant picture of his unmentionables sewn onto his Jolly Roger and flown proudly from the mast of his pirate ship.

It is said that my ancestors were direct descendents of the Danglers, the Incan cave dwellers who were famous throughout South America for drawing pictures of their privates on the walls of the caves of Cuzco. Later the “l” was dropped from the Dangler name, and thus was the surname Danger born.   

And so, you see, while Anthony Weiner will once again have to apologize for the actions of me, Carlos Danger, I will never apologize, for I am only carrying on the disgusting and debauched traditions of my perverted ancestors, as it is the tradition of all Dangers to do. Yes, proudly will I, Carlos Danger, continue to fly the sexy flag of my forefathers and utter the Danger family motto: “Pants? We don’t need no stinkin’ pants!”

Until we text again, my sexy friends.

Turgidly yours,     
Carlos Danger