Saturday, July 27, 2013

Whitey Bulger case dropped: ‘He was just another of Anthony Weiner’s aliases’

The federal case against Whitey Bulger was dropped today when it was revealed that the alleged mob boss never really existed.

“Turns out there is no Whitey Bulger,” lead prosecutor Frank Wyshak told a group of stunned reporters outside the federal courthouse in Boston. “Apparently he was just another of the fake names Anthony Weiner used when texting pictures of his private parts to women.”    

Bulger, or the imaginary person known as Whitey Bulger, had been on trial on federal charges of racketeering and the murder of 19 people. But after seven weeks of explosive testimony, the charges were dismissed after Weiner admitted that Whitey Bulger was just one of the names he made up to use as an alias when he emailed pictures of his penis to women.

“Like Carlos Danger, Whitey Bulger was just one of those names I used when sexting,” Weiner told the New York Times on Saturday. “I thought it was funny, until the feds put my creation on trial. Whitey Bulger never hurt anybody. He was just a funloving guy I created who liked to take pictures of his penis and send them to random women I never met.”

The bombshell left the prosecution – and the public – to wonder how they had been so easily duped.

“In hindsight, we should have known,” said Wyshak. “But it’s not always so easy. How many people knew about Carlos Danger before last week?”

Meanwhile, sources close to the case warned the public to prepare for more celebrities to be revealed as nothing more than fake names used by the disgraced former New York congressman and mayoral candidate.  

Said one investigator: “Some of the celebrities we’re looking into that may have been simply aliases created by Anthony Weiner include the late actor and comedian Wally Cox, former New York Yankees pitcher Chien Ming Wang, the French author Honoré de Balzac, former Chicago Bears linebacker Dick Butkus, and Anthony Weiner.”

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