Sunday, September 29, 2013

The Bozone

There is a fifth dimension, beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as a giant pair of clown shoes and as timeless as a squirting lapel flower. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and supersitition, and it lies between the pit of a man’s big, billowy clown pants and the tip of his bulbous, honking red nose. This is the dimension of goofy laughter. It is an area which we call The Bozo Zone.

Picture, if you will, living every single moment of your day in constant, babbling fear of running into an evil-looking red-haired clown holding a bouquet of brightly-colored balloons. This is exactly how the people of the sleepy town of Northampton, England, spend their daily lives. Because, you see, they are being terrorized by a mysterious, spooky clown who ... well, pretty much just shows up and stands there looking all clowny, holding some balloons.

Nevertheless, Northampton police have issued a warning following multiple sightings of clowns “acting suspiciously.” There is good news, however. Because even as local authorities seem powerless to stop this not necessarily evil clown, one man has risen. Yes, out of this tangled web of giant clown pant suspenders, one mild-mannered citizen has stepped forward to take matters into his own hands. He calls himself … The Clown Catcher. He is the world’s most specialized superhero.

All of this got us to wondering: what are The Clown Catcher’s super powers/tools? We’re guessing these might make the list:

• The ability to guess any balloon animal in a single try

• A towel (for drying after being squirted with seltzer)

• A really big car that seats dozens of clowns quite comfortably

• A very fast, souped-up tricycle capable of overtaking any clown tricycle in existence

• Empty pie tins and quick reflexes to block pies thrown at him by not necessarily evil clowns

• Earplugs capable of blocking out the deafening sound of a giant, honking red rubber nose

Some other really specific super heroes:

The Mime Manacler

Evil Hobo Hinderer

Foole Frustrater

Jester Jailer

Prankster Prohibiter

Prop Comic Confiner

Buffoon Buster

Juggler Jammer

Trapezist Tackler

Ventriloquist Vexer

Stooge Stopper

Acrobat Apprehender

Carny Clencher

Tap Dance Disrupter

Human Cannonball Cramper

Unicyclist Stymier

Human Pincushion Perplexer

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