50 Shades of Greg

1. Purple – After climbing a flight of stairs

2. Red – After accidentally changing the channel to Fox News

3. Green – While on a ship on the ocean

4. Maroon – What happens after the ship sinks

5. Yellow – How I felt about going swimming with my friends after seeing the movie “Jaws”

6. Orange – After eating too much cantaloupe

7. Burnt orange – After my orange catches on fire

8. Blue – How I feel after finding out I’m all out of cookies

9. Tan – After spending a little time in the sun

10. Pink – After spending more than a little time in the sun

11. Beige – Bored

12. White – Just saw a ghost

13. Brown – Did a heckuva job

14. Gray – My skintone at the funeral home after killing myself rather than read “Fifty Shades of Grey”

15. Violet – My face color during the Republican convention

16. Black – After getting trapped in a licorice factory

17. Fuchsia – What I say when someone says they want to see a Shia LaBeouf movie

18. Apricot – Ate too many apricots

19. Auburn – Who I root for when Auburn plays Alabama

20. Avocado – Spilled the guacamole

21. Azure – Accidentally put Ti-D-Bowl in the bath instead of Mr. Bubble

22. Olive – Tea many martoonis

23. Lavender – My face color after eating too many mints

24. Indigo – After rubbing against the Indigo Girls

25. Gold – After pissing off Goldfinger

26. Silver – After being knighted

27. Burgundy – Fell into a vat of wine

28. Burnt Sienna – Set fire to my crayons

29. Cardinal – Almost Pope

30. Carmine – Thinking about changing my name and joining the mafia

31. Cerulean – What I call a knight named Ulean

32. Charcoal – After opening my Christmas presents

33. Chartreuse – What I call my phony map scheme

34. Magenta – After eating too many raspberry popsicles

35. Salmon – Feeling like a schnook

36. Almond – Joyful

37. Ivory – Used too much cheap soap

38. Jade – After watching a bad David Caruso movie

39. Khaki – Feeling like George W. Bush under a “Mission Accomplished” sign

40. Cyan – Saying goodbye to Ara Parseghian in Japanese

41. Ochre – Feeling Shrekish

42. Maize – How I feel that you’ve made it this far down my list

43. Russet – Type of potato I throw at the TV whenever Luke Russert comes on

44. Periwinkle – What you get when the Governor of Texas marries Wee Willie

45. Vanilla – Meh

46. Sepia – What happens when I close my eyes after watching a Pia Zadora movie

47. Scarlet – The color someone’s face turns after getting slapped 27 times by Scarlett O’Hara

48. Ecru – What you ask Brutus when he shows up in a yellowish-brown toga

49. Plum – Color my face turns when I plug the toilet and have to call the plumber

50. Navy – Where you look for the Village People if they’re not at the YMCA