The new Republican majority in the House of Representatives took power yesterday, vowing to roll back everything Democrats had passed “in the last 50 years, including the entire decade of the 1960s.”
Newly-minted Speaker of the House, Rep. John Boehner (R-OH-range), said, “The ‘60’s were an outrage, filled with such travesties to rich, white men as the Civil Rights movement, sex, drugs and rock and roll. We’re going to take this thing all the way back to 1959, when sex was a private matter between two men in a certain stall in the men’s restroom on Concourse B at the Minneapolis airport, not a bunch of dirty hippies rolling around on a mudfarm in upstate New York.” Boehner, who spent the last days of the November election campaigning with a Nazi, then broke into tears and had to leave the room.
Boehner and new Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-VApid) also announced plans to form the new Committee to Reinvade Vietnam.
“The American people have spoken,” said Cantor of the midterm election that saw voters give Republicans control of half of one of the three branches of the federal government. “They repudiated everything the Democrats under Barack Hussein Obama have done and demand that we return America back to her former glory. And that means, among other things, going back to Vietnam, and this time we won’t leave until we win.”
Repealing the ‘60’s may only be the first step in Republican plans, as Rep. Michele Bachmann, (R-MINsane), revealed. “We’re going to take the country all the way back to the Old West, and maybe even further. You know, previously I had called for what those in the liberal media referred to as a McCarthy-like witch hunt for anti-Americans in congress. But personally, I’d like to see us go back to the actual witch hunts, like the ones they had in Salem in 1692. I suspect that we’d find a lot of these Democrats have been practicing sorcery over the past couple of years.”
Meanwhile, Rep. Darrell Issa, the new chairman of the House Oversight and Government Reform committee, has vowed to spend the next two years investigating whether or not President Obama’s driver’s license is valid.
“We don’t believe he’s licensed to drive,” said Issa. “That license I saw on the internet looks faked. The American people have a right to know the truth.”
Cantor, meanwhile, acknowledged that since Democrats still control the Senate, none of what House Republicans do has much chance of actually passing into law, but warned, “We’re getting closer to a majority in the Senate. We’ve got 46 votes now, 47 if we can get (Louisiana Senator David) Vitter out of that New Orleans brothel.”