With the news this week of the new iPhone “Confession” app that lets Catholics confess to their phone, we started thinking about what other religious apps could be on the way. Some possibilities:
• “Exorcism” – Are you possessed by a demon? Spewing profanities, levitating and scaring the family pets? There’s an app for that! Since the Catholic Church only has about ten official exorcists operating in America today, the odds aren’t good that one will be handy the next time you start blorching pea soup all over your family members, so it’s probably a good idea to download this handy app to your mobile device, just in case. Then, at the touch of a button, you can have the Catholic church’s 27-page ritual to drive out evil spirits at your fingertips. Hit # and it squirts holy water out the side of the phone. The power of Christ compels you – to buy this app!
• “Papal Election” – Whenever a Pope kicks the bucket, all the Cardinals gather in the Sistine Chapel and vote for a new Pope. And vote, and vote, and vote again. It takes two-thirds vote of the “conclave” to elect a new Bishop of Rome, so it can take awhile. You don’t have time to sit glued to your TV for days watching a camera shot of the outside of St. Peter’s Square, you’ve got stuff to do! But download this app and, when the conclave votes, it shoots a little puff of smoke out of your phone -- white smoke if a new Pope has been elected, black smoke if not – so you’ll be among the first to know.
• “Bite Me” – Hallelujah! Finally, an app for Pentecostal Snake Handlers that features a countdown clock so you know exactly how much time you have before you croak from snakebite after being bitten by a venomous viper. Simply enter the type of snake that sank its fangs into your flesh and hit “Send.” The app will provide a countdown clock to the exact time when you’ll go to meet Jesus! Add the special “Tongues” app that translates your neighbor’s gibberish when he’s rolling around on the floor and speaking in tongues. This app is a huge seller in Appalachia.
• “Pro-Life” – For fundamentalists on the go, this handy app alerts you whenever you’re in the neighborhood of an abortion clinic or near the home of a baby-killing doctor. Also lets you know where the nearest gun show is so you can purchase your weapon without any of those pesky background checks. Lock and download for only $1.99!
• “rAPPture” – So, Armageddon is finally here (what took you so long, Jesus?), and you’re getting raptured, of course. But where exactly in the air are you supposed to meet up with Christ and all your sin-free friends and family? You don’t want to end up on the wrong cloud or even – God forbid! – left behind with the losers! This app pinpoints exactly where in the air you need to go to catch the big Jesus bus to heaven. Also available: the App-ocalypse, which helps Evangelicals remember exactly what to expect next during the End Times. So after all the pestilence, famine, earthquakes, and exploding volcanoes, you can start getting ready for the locusts. By purchasing a beekeeper’s hat, or something.
• Divine Appiness – This app points you in the right direction to achieve Nirvana. Simply punch the Buddhist or Hindu button for the correct version for you. Appy trails!
• What Fresh App is This? – For those of you who end up in Hell, this handy-dandy little app will provide you with an essential guide to let you know exactly which level of hell you've been banished to. Because there's no elevator operator in Hell to announce, "Third floor: Gluttons." And let's face it, it's not that easy to figure out if you're in the 8th Circle (Fraud) or the 9th (Treachery).